More Than Music (28 page)

I tried to watch some of the interviews we’d done, but all I heard were our lies and all I saw was Jared’s fake stage smile. Even worse, someone had recorded the entire fight between the two of us with their phone and posted it online. One of the roadies, it had to be. I watched it over and over, alternating between regretting everything I’d said to Jared and getting angry at him all over again. This time I didn’t read the comments under the video though. I’d learned my lesson on that at least.

But the videos that hurt the most, and the ones I watched a thousand times, were the ones capturing behind-the-scenes moments of all of us. The guys joking around in rehearsal, being silly on our breaks, wrestling and grabbing each other for goofy man-hugs. That time when we’d switched instruments and I’d banged on Hector’s drums. Dan coaching me on my stage presence and my wardrobe.

And Jared—laughing at something Kyle had said or bent over his bass with a look of concentration or practicing the same lyric a hundred different ways to get it right. Those videos were the only ones that showed the genuine Jared, and I couldn’t stop torturing myself with them. I missed the way his true smile lit up his face, the way his real laugh burst out of him like it was a surprise every time. But I doubted I’d ever see that Jared again.

I
heard one of the girls wheel her suitcase into the apartment, but I couldn’t get out of bed. What was the point? Besides, moving sounded like a lot of effort, and my head pounded like someone was kicking me in the skull over and over. Last night I’d discovered a secret stash of vodka in the kitchen and might have gone a little overboard. Not that it mattered, since I had nowhere to be anyway.

“Maddie?” Julie called.

“Here,” I replied. Ow, too loud, so much pain.

“Why are you here? Isn’t there a week of the show left?” Her voice got closer as she moved through the apartment. “Hey, since you’re home, I need you to try on your Harley Quinn costume so I can do the final adjustments. Comic-Con is only in two weeks. Can you believe it?”

I covered my face with a pillow and groaned. I couldn’t wear that costume now; it would only remind me of Jared. Not to mention, I was never getting out of bed again.

“Maddie?” She knocked on my door. “Can I come in?”

I gave a noise that sounded like “unngghh,” and she opened the door and sat beside me on the bed.

“Wow, you reek. Have you been drinking?”

I moaned under the pillow. “I’m never touching vodka ever again.”

“Hang on.” She left and returned a few minutes later with some water and pain meds. “Take these.”

I did as she said and then closed my eyes, leaning back against the headboard. Julie smelled faintly of vanilla, and her familiar scent gave me a small amount of comfort. She’d been my best friend since we were in eighth grade, but I’d barely seen her this summer. I missed hanging out with her. I even missed her getting on my case all the time.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Didn’t you see the show?”

“No, I was flying back from Seoul. What happened?”

Oh, right. She'd been visiting her grandparents. I should have remembered that. Further proof I was the worst friend ever.

I sighed. “It’s over. The show. The band. Jared. Everything.”

“What? Tell me.”

I spilled everything, and she listened without judging or interrupting, letting me vent and cry. When it was over and I’d let it all out, she wrapped me in a tight hug. “Maddie, I’m so sorry.”

“I ruined everything,” I said, grabbing a tissue and blowing my nose. “My place in the band, my friendship with Kyle, my relationship—or whatever it was—with Jared, and even things with you and Carla. I’ve ruined it all.”

“Okay, now you’re being silly. You definitely didn’t ruin your friendship with us. We’ll be friends forever, no matter where life takes us, so don’t worry about that. And I’m sure Kyle feels the same, too.”

“I guess.” I pulled my knees up and rested my head on them.

“Maddie, you know I love you, but when things get hard, you always run away. You ran from your mom and her drinking, you ran from Jared when he invited you to join the band, and now you’re running from this, too. Maybe it’s time to stop running and fight for what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Don’t give me that. You know
exactly
what you want.” She stood up and moved to the door. “Think about it. I’m going to unpack, but I’m here if you need me. And take a shower. You’re disgusting.”

She closed the door behind her. I sat there, digesting her words, until my headache faded enough that I could move again. I took Julie’s advice and got in the shower, and the hot water slowly washed off the gloom of the last few days. My god, what was I doing? I’d turned into my mother, staying in bed all day, drowning my life in a bottle, and giving up guitar because a guy had broken my heart. That wasn’t me. I didn’t want to become her. My life didn’t have to be one big repeat of her mistakes.

What did I want? I wanted Jared, but I wasn’t sure I could ever have him the way I wanted. But even if we could never be together, I wanted to be part of the band again. I wanted to be
myself
again—my true self, the one I’d uncovered these past few weeks, who went after her dreams, who played guitar blindfolded, who fell off the stage and got back up again.

I wanted to fight.

I
t was Saturday, which meant the live show was in two days, and if I wanted to perform with the guys, I had to patch things up with them and learn the new songs as soon as possible. I found them rehearsing at Dan’s studio, but I couldn’t face them all yet. I texted Kyle and asked him to meet in the room where The Quiet Battles used to rehearse.

When he walked in, he immediately grabbed me in one of his bear hugs. “Maddie, I’m so glad you came back.”

“I’m sorry, Kyle,” I said into his shoulder, fighting back tears. “For lying, for sneaking around behind your back, for breaking my promise, for quitting the band, for being the worst friend ever. For everything.”

“It’s okay. Did you get my messages?”

“Yeah. Eventually.”

After I’d sobered up, I’d turned on my phone and found both texts and voicemails from Kyle, Hector, and Dan, all begging me to come back. There’d even been one from my mom, asking if I was okay. And four from Jared that I still couldn’t face. I’m not sure I’d ever be able to listen to those. But I’d checked all the others and had slowly come back to the world.

Kyle sighed. “I was really mad at first, at both of you, and I couldn’t believe you just left like that. But I don’t blame you for what happened, and I’m over it now. And since you left, Jared’s been a wreck. He spends every waking moment rehearsing this week’s songs, even long after Hector and I are done for the day. On those rare moments he does take a break, he just listens to this one My Chemical Romance song over and over.”

I sucked in a breath. I knew exactly which song Kyle meant: the song Jared had sung to me before the audition, the one he still referenced all the time. “Is it ‘I’m Not Okay’?”

“That’s the one, and I swear if I hear it one more time I’ll shoot myself.” He tugged at the gauges in his ear, like he was annoyed.

The door opened and I froze, worried it was Jared, but instead Hector slammed into me. It was like being hugged by a mountain, squeezed between his hard chest and his muscular arms. “Maddie!”

Hector had never hugged me before, except when we’d been celebrating our on-stage victories, not like Kyle and Jared who gave their hugs freely. I held him for a minute, my eyes watering up again. It seemed like the guys had missed me as much as I’d missed them.

He finally let me go. “Thank god you’re back. I’ve been barely keeping this band together without you.”

“It’s true,” Kyle said.

I laughed at the idea of Hector, of all people, keeping them together. “You’re okay with me staying in the band?”

Hector grinned. “Hell yes. We need you.”

My shoulders slumped with relief. “I wasn’t sure after the other night…”

He groaned. “Jared said you heard all that. Listen, I didn’t mean I
wanted
to replace you. I just assumed you’d leave like Becca did.”

“And you were right.”

“Yeah, but you came back.”

Someone knocked on the door, and Kyle slipped out to talk to whoever it was, leaving me alone with Hector. Was Jared on the other side? I wasn’t sure I could deal with him yet.

“I’m really sorry about everything that happened,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it.” He grabbed a drumstick from the back of his pants and twirled it in his fingers. “You know, I wouldn’t be in this band if not for Jared.”

“Oh, yeah, he made you learn the drums in high school?” I remembered Jared saying that in our first interview for the show. Why was Hector bringing this up now?

“Sort of. He and Kyle were always playing music, and one day I tried out their drums and was hooked. I spent every day at their house after that, just so I could play with them. When we started the band, I was living with my grandmother and we didn’t have much money, so Jared bought me a drum kit for my eighteenth birthday.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty big gift.”

“It was nothing to him. Changed my life though. And you know their mom is this famous songwriter and their dad is a big shot lawyer for, like, every big musician out there, right? But Jared refuses to let them pull any strings for him. He said if we succeed, he wants it to be on our own, without any handouts. He wants to know we earned it. That’s just the kind of guy he is.”

A lot of things about Jared clicked into place. How hard he worked, how much he pushed himself, how he would do anything to make sure we won. Not that it excused his actions, but I understood him a tiny bit better. “Why are you telling me this?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know I get on his case a lot and complain about this being ‘his’ band and all that, but I honestly couldn’t do all the things he does for us. Jared makes me crazy sometimes, but he’s also the best guy I know. Don’t give up on him yet, okay?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I didn’t
want
to give up on Jared, but I couldn’t continue with things the way they were either.

The door opened, and Kyle returned. “That was Dan. He wants to know what’s going on.”

I drew a long breath and stood up straighter. “Well, I’m back, and I’m ready to rehearse. What songs are you working on this week?”

“The new one is ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons. Dan chose it because none of us could agree on anything after the results show.”

“What’s the theme?”

“No theme since it’s the finals. We also have to play our song from the audition again.”

I nodded. I hadn’t practiced “Behind the Mask” in weeks, but that song was branded on my soul. I’d never forget how to play it. I didn’t know “Radioactive,” but I would learn the guitar for it by Monday even if I had to stay up all night tonight and tomorrow.

“Who’s been playing guitar?” I asked. “Or did you get someone to play bass?”

The guys exchanged a look. “Jared’s kind of doing both,” Kyle said.

“What do you mean?”

“On Wednesday we all assumed you’d come back after you blew off some steam, so Jared learned the bass for the song. But by Friday, it was clear you were gone for good, and Jared switched to the guitar.”