More Than One: A Novel (12 page)

              The bartender yelled last call and we gathered all of our things to leave. The guys paid the check and we walked out to the van, ready to head back to the hotel.

              Back in our room, Michael was on the bed flipping through the channels when I came in. He looked up at me, then turned the volume down on the television. I started walking to the bed.

              “Is everything okay?” he asked.

              I sat down on the bed and slid back onto the pillows.

              “Everything is fine, why do you ask?”

              “No reason. I just wanted to make sure.”

              He slowly slid next to me and then kissed me. My heart did its usual back flip. I didn't think I would ever get tired of that. I really couldn't explain what it all felt like to me. It was thrilling, scary, amazing and mind blowing at the same time. That was just one kiss from him.

              He let go of me and I still lingered in the same spot with my eyes closed. My head was light and I didn't want to let go of that moment. My eyes were still closed when he kissed me again. All I could do was drift into that place that I always go to when we were together. Paradise.

              I'm back at the ocean, on the beach close to the water. The waves are crashing against my body and the sun is beaming down on me. Michael is there next to me holding my hand, smiling. I never want to leave this place. My mind always comes up with dark images when I'm asleep, but this time, I can make my thoughts go anywhere I want them to.

              He let go of me again and this time I opened my eyes. His eyes lit up and I blushed. He pulled me to his side and he put his arm around me.

              “You want to watch a movie or something?” he asked.

              “Sure, that sounds good.”

              He stroked his fingers through my hair and it was relaxing. I tried to fight sleep when he asked me what we should watch. I closed my eyes and started drifting off. All my efforts of trying to stay awake were futile. I settled inside his arms and let go.

              In the dream, I was looking into a mirror, crying. The room was dark except for the dim light that was coming from the lamp on the nightstand. I looked on the floor and there was torn up paper all around. The pieces were so small, it could have passed for snow.

              I sat down on the bed and my emotions were getting the best of me. I wanted to be angry, but I couldn't control the crying. I started pulling at my hair, snatching small strands out one by one. The anger grew and I began to rock. First slowly, then I heaved myself forward and backward. The whole room felt like it was spinning. Dizziness crept up inside me and I fell to the floor, breathing harder and harder.

              I got up and punched the wall before I went to the closet. I changed clothes, picking all black this time. I looked to the corner and the camera was already turned, so I continued on with the whole escape ritual.

              Once I was outside, I took off running in no particular direction. I just needed to get as far away from there as possible. I passed the park and kept running. My chest was burning. I wasn't sure if it was from the rage or something else internal. I pushed harder going forward looking for a place to stop.

              The streets were empty, so I slowed my pace. I continued to jog until the burning in my chest turned to pain. I clenched my heart and kept going. Nothing was going to stop me from what I had to do tonight. I turned the corner and saw a light on at a store up ahead. The closed sign was blinking, but I knew someone was still inside.

              I walked to the front of the store and peered inside, no one was in sight. I walked around to the back of the building and waited. Suddenly, the door flung open and a young woman walked outside. I stood and analyzed her for a minute. Everything in me was telling me to move forward, but I was frozen where I stood.

              She was throwing some water out of a bucket, oblivious to anything around her. She was short and petite with long black hair. Her skin was the same color as mine, but I still couldn't make out her face. She was humming some song as she worked and I recognized it from somewhere, I just couldn't think of where. She went back into the building and I still didn't move. I waited once again. She returned with another bucket of water to throw out.

              My legs started to move toward her slowly. A relaxed feeling came over my body and the pain instantly left my chest. I stopped behind the door and she came out with another bucket. I quickly came into view and she jumped. Her face was still fuzzy to me. I couldn't make out any details.

              “You scared me,” she said. “Are you looking for someone?”

              I shook my head. She started stepping back while I stepped forward. I was expecting her to scream, but she didn't. Most people started crying and begging at this point, promising me all of their worldly possessions, but not her. She stayed calm and didn't make a sound. This would be the easiest one yet.

              “If you're not looking for anyone, then what is it that you want?” she asked.

              I stopped walking and took in the question. I knew what I wanted, what I craved, and so desperately needed, but she couldn't give it to me in the form that would save me.

              “What do you want from me?” she said again, this time raising her voice.

              I was amazed by how brave she was. I knew she felt there was something bad about to happen and yet she didn't flinch. I almost wanted to walk away, but I couldn't.

              She opened her mouth to say something else, but I put my hand up to cut her off. I was done playing and the pain was returning. Her face was still a blur to me, like someone put their thumb over a newly painted canvas and smudged it.

              “I don't have much, but I will give you whatever you want if you just leave me alone. Just tell me what you want,” she pleaded.

              The severe anger came back to me full force and I took one giant step forward, now standing directly in her face. The knife was in my hand now and I was ready to attack. She was just like the rest of them. Pathetic.

              “What do I want?” I said grinding my teeth. I wanted her to take in my question before I answered. No one who has ever meant anything to me asked me what I wanted. And for some reason, I put this woman in their shoes and it was like I was speaking to them when I said to her, “I want life.”

              Then I plunged the knife straight forward into her neck and pushed it until it came out through the other side. She fell to the ground, her body lifeless. I bent over her to pull the knife out of her neck, then lifted her arm and started carving.

              When I was done, I stood up. The crippling pain returned and took over my body. I stumbled backwards into the door of the building and slid down to the ground. I balled up to ease the pain, but it wouldn't subside. I just stayed there rocking and moaning.

              A couple of minutes went by and I gathered up all my strength, still holding my chest. Before I could walk away, I had to look at the woman one more time. I limped back over to her.

              I could see the face now and even though she was covered in blood, I still knew who the person was. It was me. The hazel eyes were empty and the mouth was still open. The body lay motionless in piles of garbage. I looked back down at the arm. I wiped away the blood to make out the word that was engraved there. “
Next”
is what I read before I fell to the ground again and blacked out from the pain.

Chapter Twelve

I sat in my room looking out the window, watching the rain make puddles in the grass. The sky was dark and just like my life, it didn't seem like it was going to clear up anytime soon. My body was glued to this spot. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything.

              I was too embarrassed to face anyone. I just wanted to curl up and wait for my life to end. Which might be soon. Who knows? I had a dream that I was going to die and a very clear message that said I was
next
. She was coming. I still didn’t know who
she
was?

              I thought I was doing better. I tried not looking too far into the dreams and stop obsessing, but it’s easier to just let it consume me and take over. I’m tired of trying to fight this thing when I don’t know what I’m up against. My life was turned upside down and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt so alone.

              I couldn't find the energy to leave this room; not for class or work. I have called in to work and missed all of my classes for the past three days. I was going to fail and get fired in the same week. That didn't bother me at all. It felt like the end of my world was near and none of that mattered.

              There was nothing to make the days go by faster, not even sleeping. The dreams stop and then they'd come again, never letting go of me, not even for a second for some relief. Even when I didn't have the nightmares, I thought about them and read my journal. There was no way to get away from it.

              I started to cry again. That seemed the only thing I could do, and sadness and worry were the only emotions I could muster up. I left the window and went to the nightstand to get my journal. I don't know why I kept reading it. I guess I’m a gluten for punishment, but I couldn't help but read what was in there, especially the last entry. Someone out there was going through this for real; feeling these emotions I've experienced through the dreams, suffering in some laboratory, trapped in a small room. I felt for that person just as much as I did for myself, maybe even more.

              I thumbed through the book, reading only the entries about being trapped in the rooms. What I read was documented in such detail, it was like I was there again, scared and lonely, not knowing what was going to happen to me next. I cried harder.

              My head felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure building up. I put the book down and went back to the window. The rain was still coming down, and yet I was drawn to it this time. I opened the window and took in the fresh rain smell that gushed through. The breeze touched my skin and sent a chill down my spine.

              I closed the window and grabbed my jacket and keys and left. I walked down the stairs of my building slowly. People were running up in the opposite directions, trying to shelter themselves from the rain. Since this was the first time I had been out of my room in days, they looked at me like I was headed for some type of doom. I ignored them and kept going.

              Once in the car, I turned the heat up and put the car in reverse. I backed out and saw Rach pulling in. She looked at me with sorrow and worry in her eyes. I was in no mood for her solicitous behavior at this point, it just made me feel worse. It was killing me that I wanted to be alone, but that's all I felt I needed at this point. Solitude.

              I got on the street and started turning corners, not knowing where I was going. I just wanted to drive and find somewhere to be completely alone. I thought about the hiking area Michael took me to and decided to go there. I got on the highway and started out toward my destination.

              The rain picked up when I got further down the interstate. There were a lot of cars on the road and everyone was driving slowly. Honestly, I didn't mind the traffic, because I was in no rush. I just needed some time to think.

              After about an hour of going in circles, I found the sign for the hiking trail I once escaped to with the man I'd grown so fond of. I turned in and the place looked so desolate. The beautiful scenery that once graced this place was swept away by the rain. Everything looked so dark and groggy. It was a pale description of my own feelings.

              I parked and sat in the car with the windshield wipers on, looking out over the lawn where the picnic tables were. The colors in the trees didn't seem so bright and the skies darkness cascaded everything else. An eerie feeling came over me and consumed me in that instant. The heat was on full blast in the car, but I still shivered. I was scared to get out of the car. Then my attitude changed to anger; I got upset with myself for letting this, of all things, terrify me. There was nothing that was going to happen. I wanted to be alone and now I was. This was the only thing I could control and I was giving that power away as well.

              I turned the car off and put my hood on before opening the car door. The rain turned into a light drizzle as I walked slowly along the paved path. I passed the tables and ran my fingers across it and it soaked up my sleeve.

              I sat down at the table that was underneath the canopy and put my head down. Then, I began to cry. I thought about the things Rach had said about Michael, about how he saved me from going over the deep end. How he made me happier than I had ever been. It was somewhat true. I was happier at one point. I knew he didn't save me though, no one could.

              I rubbed the tears from my eyes and looked around. Nothing had changed, it still looked drab. I don't know why I picked this place to come to. Maybe I thought that once I was here, I could relive some of what happened when Michael was with me. I thought that it would brighten my spirits if I could get back a piece of what I had that day. The brightness didn't come.

              I got up and started out to the trail. I decided I needed to go in a little further to feel the enchantment that engulfed me before. I took my hood off and let the rain drain down my face.

              I made it to the mouth of the trail and stopped. I looked as far as I could into the forest and there was no apparent danger ahead, so I went in. The eerie feeling came over me again, but this time I dismissed it and kept going. I somehow needed this, just to let go of my fear and keep pressing forward.

              I looked back to see how far I was away from the clearing and I could still see the light coming in from where I came from. I kept on into the woods. The trees started to enclose all around me and the ground below me was soft. I stumbled along the same path and tried to remember everything that happened there, every word that was said, but only bits and pieces came to mind.

              I stopped where Michael and I had our first real, passionate kiss and stood in the same spot. I sat down on a trunk that was nearby. By then, I was soaked and didn't care. I needed this, I kept telling myself. I leaned back on the trunk, closed my eyes, and let the rain splatter on my face. Thunder and lightening crossed the sky, frightening me. After I skimmed over the area, I relaxed.

              I leaned back again and closed my eyes tight. So many different images flashed through my mind. There was Rach back at the park crying and holding me, trying to tell me everything was going to be okay, that she would always be there for me. Then there was my parents, sitting around in the living room and watching television, snuggling up with each other. Ash, with his puppy dog eyes, pouring his heart out to me, and then again, trying to keep so much bottled up. And Michael, Michael, Michael... All I could see was his face, no particular scene, just his face.

              After different aspects of him flashed in slow motion, the script came in. Him telling me how beautiful I was and how he was so glad he met me. There were so many sweet moments when I really thought he saved me; moments where everything that happened was bearable. There were times when I overlooked the dreams. They weren't nightmares to me anymore. I didn't care enough to dwell on them. All I could think about all day long was him. Now, I'm right back where I started. I'm so alone and lost.

              My mind was swirling and the images in my head turned to the murders. The faces of the people who died went through my head like a slide show. I wondered what their lives were like before all of this happened. Were they happy? Did they enjoy life as much as they should have? Why did this happen to them?

              Then my mind shifted again. I was curious about what the person from my dreams was feeling. I wondered if they wanted to kill themselves or just run away. Were they going out of their mind just like I was? I wished that I could do something to save them, but they weren't in my reach.

              I rubbed my temples and tried to ease the pain. My clothes were stuck to my body and I was drenched. The cold hadn't registered in my brain because there was already too much going on up there.

              I laid there under the trees for almost ten minutes when I heard what sounded like a branch breaking close by. I quickly sat up and looked around. I still couldn't see anything. I scooted back on the fallen log and pulled my knees to my chest. I was still searching, when I thought I saw something dart across in the direction of the entrance. My heart started pounding and I was too scared to move.

              Who was out here? Had someone followed me and I didn't notice? My heart was going so fast and pumping so hard, that I could feel it on my kneecap. I started rocking and praying, asking God to let me make it out of here safely. I hadn't moved from that same spot, I was frozen still. I heard another crackle and I knew I needed to get out of here.

              I eased off the log trying not to make a sound. I was still looking around, mentally making a note of where the noise was coming from and which direction I needed to retreat to. Michael and I hadn't walked all the way through the forest, so I didn't know what was on the other end of this maze.

              I stopped and listened again. There was silence. I still didn't move. My body started to cramp up from the cold. I knew I couldn't make a move, but I needed to find a way out. I thought about making a run for it and just knock down whoever came into my view, but I was so small and would probably just anger whatever or whoever it was in the woods with me. I thought about hiding, but there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to go.

              I heard the noise again and I strained my eyes to see if I saw the same flash that would dart across the clearing. I couldn't see anything. The water kept draining in my eyes, making my vision blurry. I still couldn't think of anything to do.

              All my instincts said run and before I could talk myself out of it, I just bolted for the entrance. I was almost there when someone stepped out in front of me. I was in a full sprint when I crashed right into them and knocked us both over. I started kicking and screaming. I felt like all the air in my lungs was gone as I clawed at whatever was holding me.

              “Jamie, calm down,” the voice said.

              I was still frantic and kicking, too scared to open my eyes, but it finally registered that whoever this person was knew my name. My body ached and was starting to get weak. I slowed down the pathetic attempt to save myself and my aggressive punches turned into pats.

              I finally opened my eyes and rubbed away the rain. The face that was there was smiling and trying to push the hair out of my face. He was just like I remembered him a week ago, right before I shut myself off from the world. It was Michael.

              Why was he here? How did he know I would be here? I didn't see him when I pulled up, so he had to have followed me. This was crazy.

              “Jamie, are you okay?” he asked. “Why are you out here? You're soaking wet.”

              He stopped rubbing my face and pulled off his jacket to wrap it around me. I still didn't know what was going on. I couldn't understand why he was here or why he had followed me.

              “Where did you come from?” I asked weakly. “How did you know I was here?”

              “Well, you haven't been out of your room in a couple of days and you won't answer my phone calls, so I came by to talk to you today. When I saw you leaving, I decided to follow you and make you see me. When you got on the interstate, I knew exactly where you were going,” he said.

              “But, but... I didn't see you when you pulled up. I was sitting at the picnic tables and I didn't see you at all. Where were you?”

              “I waited around the corner. I figured you needed some time to think things through. I'm assuming that is the reason you came all the way out here. I watched you get out of the car and go into the woods, and it worried me. I didn't know if you were going to get lost, so I went in and tried to keep my distance. You know, I just wanted to be there if you needed some help getting out of here. We didn't exactly walk all the way through here.”

              “Why are you following me Michael?” I asked.

              “I just told you. I wanted to talk to you. You just cut me off, and I needed to know that you were okay. And I wanted to know what I did for you to shut me out the way you did.”

              The rain started to pick up again and I was starting to freeze. I was shaking even with my jacket and his. He started to rub my arms rapidly to warm them up, but it wasn't working. He pulled me up into a cradling position and hugged me tightly. I was still confused about everything, and for the first time since I met him, I didn't believe him, something wasn't right.