More Than One: A Novel (13 page)

              I pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. I tried to look deep into them to see if I could find answers there. He was still such a mystery to me. There was still so much I didn't know about him. A part of me wanted the answers right then, and another part of me just wanted to get up, run, and just keep running.

              He looked at me with those eyes, the eyes that always made me want to melt. I was so back and forth with myself, because now I just wanted to kiss him and see if that would make everything go away. I tried to get rid of all of the feelings and emotions that were playing tug-a-war with my insides.

              He still hadn't said anything, and I knew he was just waiting on me to answer his question, but I had nothing to say. I didn't know how to tell him what was going on with me. I couldn't be sure what his reaction would be. Not everyone is like Rach. She wanted to take on my problems and part of that was because she has known me for so long. But Michael doesn't know me. He says he likes me, but if he knew what was going on, would that change? I had to look away.

              “You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I mean, I haven't been as open with you, but I do want to know if you're okay,” he finally said.

              Once again, he waited. I buried my head in his chest and started to cry. I was so tired of keeping things bottled up. He started rocking me and I felt like some child who had just lost her favorite blanket.

              “Baby, whatever is going on with you, you can tell me, just let me help you. I promise I won't walk away from you. I care about you too much to let anything happen to you. Please just let me in.”

              “No one can help me. There is nothing you, Rach or anyone can do to help me,” I yelled.

              “What is it you're not telling me? I don't understand. Why can't I help you?”

              “I know you don't understand, and even if I told you, you still wouldn't get it. I just need to figure things out for myself, okay?”

              He stopped rocking and grabbed my face to turn it toward his. The features in his face turned hard, his forehead was crinkling up as the rain drenched his face. I didn't want to do this with him right now. I didn't want him looking at me like I was insane.

              “Jamie, whatever it is, you don't have to face this alone. I'm here and I know Rachel is more than willing to do her part in helping rectify the situation,” he said.

              “You don't get it... I don't want your help, Michael. Just understand that. I don't want your help and I don't want Rach's help. I just want to be left alone to figure this out,” I said pushing him away to stand up.

              He was still sitting on the ground when I looked down at him. He had his head in his hands facing downward. I felt so bad saying that to him, but it was the only way I could get him to leave this alone. There was nothing he could do and I didn't want to bring him in on this like I did Rach. I couldn't bear doing another person like that.

              I squatted down in front of him and pulled his chin up to look at me. His eyes were red like he was crying and it made me feel worse.

              “Look, I'm sorry I have been acting weird. It’s not you, it's me. I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how to deal with being around anyone. Things won't make sense to you if I told you what was going on, but it will make you worry about me more than you have been, and that is something I don't want you to do. So, please, just let me deal with this on my own. Later on, if you still decide you want to be with me, then we will go from there,” I said.

              He had a confused look on his face and I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but decided against it. I felt bad, but I didn't feel guilty for not telling him the truth. He said it himself, he hasn't been open with me at all, and this was something that I had to keep to myself.

              “Can you do that for me? Can you let this go and let me work it out on my own?” I asked. “I promise I will try to act sane, if you promise you won't push me.”

              “Do you like me?” he asked.

              “Of course, I do. Why do you ask?”

              “Do you think that I am the right guy for you? Like, do you see our relationship going anywhere or do you feel like it’s a dead end?”

              “I don't know how to answer that. I mean, I care about you and I think you are a great guy, and I would love to see where this could go, but I don't...”

              “Then why do you feel like you have to keep secrets from me? If you like me and you think we have a future then you have to be completely honest with me about what's going on with you. I need to know so I can help you, don't you understand that?”

              “I know you are not giving me any crap about not being honest with you. You of all people. I don't even know you. You know more about me than I know about you, so don't tell me what I should do.”

              “Okay, I get that. I know I haven't told you everything about me, and maybe you don't know me, but I told you why I couldn't. And it doesn't change the fact that I love you and I want you to be safe. You don't realize what would happen if I told you what I do. I couldn't put you in that kind of danger...”

              He was still talking, but I stopped listening after he said he loved me. He loves me. But how could he, he hasn't known me that long and I've been acting like a nut job. I felt like I was back at Ash's apartment the night he confessed he was in love with me. I was speechless, but this time I actually loved this person back. It wasn’t in a platonic kind of way, but I really did feel love for him.

              I hadn't noticed that he had stopped talking and was looking at me. I didn't hear anything he had said. All I knew was, my eyes stung and I just wanted to be away from here. I came here to think and now I’ve been weighed down with even more than I could handle. 

              Why couldn't things go back to the way they were, so this episode would be more enjoyable? Back to the place where I was sane and when he told me he loved me, I could say it back and then we would hug and be happy in that moment. Right now, all I felt was regret. Regret for even talking to him in the beginning. I had my doubts about starting a relationship with anyone. But despite the warning signs, I did it anyway.

              “Please say something,” he said.

              “You said you loved me,” I whispered.

              “Yeah, I said I loved you. Does that freak you out?”

              “No. I love you, too,” I blurted out without thinking about it.             

“Okay. This is the first time we've said I love you. That's big, don't you think?”

              “Yes, it's huge, but I don't get
why
you love me. You hardly know me and I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately. But you still say you love me. Why?” I asked.

              “Well, there are so many reasons.”

              “Just tell me the main reason,” I said.

              “It's just you. It's hard to put it into words, but I'll try.” He paused. “It’s just who you are. Your spirit is refreshing, because you're gorgeous and you act like you don't know it. You have so much passion and everything seems to excite you, even the small things. I love that about you. Like I said, it's hard to put it into words, but it's just you,” he said pressing the palm of his hand to my chest.

              “That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me,” I said.

              “Well, I mean it and I want to be here for you. No matter what it is, I want to know and I want to be able to make it all go away. All of your pain, I want to help make it disappear. I'm begging you, give me a chance and I promise, if I make things worse, I will drop everything and leave you alone.”

              He pulled me back down into his arms and held me. He kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He pulled a strand of hair out of my face and kissed my eye. I felt so drained at that point, but I was warm inside. Maybe he was my savior, maybe he was meant to be in my life for this purpose.

              I looked at him again, and this time I could see light in his eyes. It seemed like the mystery that was always there started to dissipate right before my eyes. He wasn't some mysterious guy that I liked; he was now this warm and caring guy that I loved.

              “I love you, Miss Whitlock,” he said.

              “I love you too, Mr. Ian.”

              I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. My body was tingling all over and the feeling came back. It was the same feeling I had when we were in the woods the first time, a feeling of security and oneness. My ocean was back behind my eyelids, and there he was holding out his hand, telling me it was okay to be with him. He was telling me it was okay to let go and love him and to be loved, that I didn't have to run anymore or be afraid. And for the time being, I relaxed and released all the horrible things and held on to him and that moment.

Chapter Thirteen

This was the first time I have checked my email in weeks. I was flooded with messages, so much so, I thought it might be spam. I had emails from my mom, some of my teachers and the list went on. I was afraid to open them. I knew they would be yelling at me in their own way about my lack of commitment and concentration.

              I clicked on the first email from my mom. She was telling me about some of the things my dad had bought. She said she was running out of space in the house and in the garage for all of his junk. I laughed to myself. I missed them.

              I scrolled down the list and saw an email from my dad. He never emailed me. He said sending messages over the computer was so impersonal. He always wanted to see me face to face or we had to talk over the phone. I wasn't actually answering my phone around that time, so it must have been important.

              I opened the email and when I got to the end of it, my heart sank. My father was disappointed in me. He called the school and talked to some of my teachers and they told him about the absences and the failing grades. He said he was disappointed in me. That was the only thing I kept reading over and over. He has never said that to me, even when he was.

              I quickly opened the emails from my teachers and all of them pretty much said the same thing. They were worried about me. They asked me if I needed help, or was I planning on dropping their class. I knew I needed to catch up on my work, but I didn't think it was this bad. I would have to get a tutor because I couldn't bear the thought of my dad being disappointed in me.

              I went back to the message from my dad and looked it over again. He said he didn't tell my mom about all of this, but he wanted me to try to fix things before he stepped in. He went on to say that if I needed to talk to him about anything, he would always be there. He wanted me to know that he loved me more than I could ever know and then he signed it “Dad”, not “Love, Dad”, just “Dad”. I wanted to break down, but I was too drained.

              I closed down my laptop and went to the mirror. I didn't even know myself anymore. Who was I becoming? I stopped caring about my future, and I almost got fired from my job. The only thing that saved me from that was Keisha and Dana covering for me. They knew something was going on with me and wanted to help in any way they could. I told them that things would get back to normal soon, but I didn't even believe that anymore.

              I went to Rach's closet to find something to wear; laundry was another thing on my list that had been avoided. I immediately found a black v-neck sweater that I adored and her black fedora to go with it.

              I pulled out the sweater and threw it on my bed and grabbed the footstool from the corner to get to the top shelf of the closet. I grabbed the hat and there was a shoebox underneath it that fell. I got down from the stool and started picking up the contents of the box which was a box of letters. I started to put them back into the box when I noticed my name on one of them. I then turned over the others and all of them had my name on them.

              In that instant, the first letter I received months ago entered my mind. This was the same handwriting and everything. I fell back on the floor and pulled the letters with me. I started counting the envelopes; there were ten of them. Why were they in a box in her closet? She has been hiding these from me. I thought back to every time she looked suspicious when we came in the room. All those times she was collecting these letters and hiding them.

              I tried to understand why she would do something like this. The only thing I could think of was the fact that I have been acting crazy and losing it, she didn't want to burden me. But what if these letters were clues? What if there was some more danger this person was trying to warn me about? The letters weren't open, so she had no way of knowing what was in them or if they were vital to my situation.

I put all the letters back in the box and went to my bed. I moved the pillow, sat down, and then grabbed the letter that was on top. I opened it and it was just like the first one, short and to the point.

Jamie, I feel that some of this is my fault and this is the only way I can help you. Please be careful.

A.

              What does that even mean? None of this made sense. I grabbed another letter and opened it.

Jamie, please forgive us. There was no way of knowing, but I fear for you.

She can see everything you see.

A.

              I went through the letters and learned that I should be careful and not to trust anyone. This was becoming too much for me. Who was A? Why were they sending me these letters? Who can see what I see?

              I couldn't cry anymore. I was all out of tears. I grabbed my journal and put the letters on top of it. I settled back on my bed and rubbed my temples.

              It would have been nice if Rach was here, so I can first ask her why she hid the letters and then ask her to help me figure out the pieces to this crazy puzzle. Since she wasn't here, I had to guess until I made a connection on my own.

              I separated the letters and spread them across my bed. I opened my journal and looked back and forth between the letters and my book. There had to be a connection, I just knew it. The letters were saying they were sorry;
we are sorry, I feel like it is my fault and she sees what you see.
Maybe that was the connection, the fact that I am having the dreams of someone else do the killings, this person is probably dreaming about me somehow.

              This
A
person knows who is doing the killing and is trying to warn me. I looked at the last entry I wrote in the book about when I was the one who was killed. I thought about what was written on my arm,
Next.
The only thing I didn't get was, who this A person was and why were they helping me? If they knew who the killer was, why didn’t they just go to the police?

              She said I shouldn't trust anyone, but I didn't know that many people, except Rech, Ash and Michael. I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be able to trust them. But when I thought about it, Michael was so secretive. He claimed he couldn't tell me what he did for a living. He says that there would be danger for me if I knew. That was crazy.

              Then there was Ash, who always starts to tell me something and never finishes. I know he was holding some important information from me, but he would never tell what it was.

              Lastly, there was Rach, who was hiding the letters from me. What if she knew more than she was letting on? What if she knew what was causing the dreams and didn't want to tell me?

              I had so many questions, no answers, and very little patience. If they all somehow knew or were involved in some way, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I was livid. Someone needed to tell me something, and I wanted to know right now. I grabbed my phone, started texting all of them and told them to meet me at the Junction.

              I grabbed my keys, purse, the letters, and my journal and headed for the door. When I got downstairs, my phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw it was Rach. I didn't want to talk to her until I had calmed down, but I knew she would just keep calling.

              “Hello,” I said.

              “Hey, what is this text about? What's going on?” she answered.

              “I just need you guys to meet me so we can talk. I found some information and I want to ask you guys about it.”

              “Who else is coming?”

              “Ash and Michael. Can you make it?”

              “Yeah, I'm actually headed there right now. But what does this have to do with all three of us?”

              “I'll tell you when I see you, but I have to go, my line is beeping,” I lied.

              “Okay.”

              I hung up the phone without saying goodbye. I was still angry and I needed to calm down, but a big part of me didn't want to. I got in my car and headed to the Junction.

              I walked inside and looked around trying to find Rach. I finally spotted her in the far corner of the restaurant. She had her head down on the table as I approached her.

              I slid into the booth and we just stared at each other. I looked away and saw a waitress coming. She took our order and left, leaving us in silence. I pushed the menu to the side and opened my purse to retrieve my phone.

              Rach was looking at the side of my face and I could tell this was eating her up. I didn't want to talk about anything until everyone was there. This would be the first time Ash and Michael would be hearing about this coming from me. It was time to get everything out in the open and get to the bottom of this. I didn't care what the consequences were anymore. I just wanted all the drama to stop.

              “What is this about Jay? Why did you ask all of us to be here?” she asked.

              “You will find out soon.”

              She looked at me with a confused expression on her face. After about a minute, she put her head back down on the table. I was satisfied with her frustration for some reason. I really wasn't feeling like myself today. My phone vibrated and it was a text from Ash saying he was on the way. A couple of minutes later, Michael sent a similar text.

              Ten more minutes went by and the guys still hadn't made it. My anger started to return. Rach and I hadn't said two words to each other this whole time. She just kept her head down and occasionally lifted it to take a sip of her coffee. I started to call them when they came through the door. I relaxed as they walked up.

              “What’s up? Why does everyone look so down?” Ash said standing in front of the table.

              No one said anything. Michael kissed me on the cheek, then turned to Rach, who had her eyes closed again.

              “Is everything okay babe?” Michael asked.             

“Right now, no, things are not okay, but we'll talk about that in a minute,” I said.

              The waitress made her way back to the table and took Ash's order. After the waitress left, all eyes were on me. It was time for me to talk to them about why I brought them here, it made me nervous a little, but it needed to be done.

              “Okay, as you all know, I have been going through a lot of things lately, but you don't know the extent of it. Well, that's what I thought before today. Rach knows that I have been having problems and for the most part, she has been helping me deal with it. Now I feel like everyone I'm around the most should know exactly what it is I'm going through. I also have some information I wanted to share with all of you and see if you know anything about it,” I said. “I need you guys to be open and honest with me because this is serious. So, you have to promise you will be truthful the whole way.”

              I looked around the table at every one of their faces. Everyone nodded as I went down the line.

              “I promise,” Rach said.

              “I promise, too,” Ash said.

              “Me too,” Michael added.

              I crossed my arms and prepared to tell them everything. I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.

              “I honestly don't even know when this all started, but I have been having nightmares,” I started saying, but Rach grabbed my hand and leaned in.

              “Are you sure you're ready to tell this?” she asked.

              “Yes, I'm sure. It'll be okay.”

              She let go of my hand and leaned back. Those letters were really getting to me; they made me so suspicious of her.

              “Anyway, I have been having nightmares...” and I began telling them the same thing I have repeated countless times to Rach and even a shrink.

              They all shook their heads, so I continued.

              “I can feel myself in all of these dreams; every emotion, every thought, it all feels tangible. When I wake up from the nightmares, I'm tense. There were times when I was sore in the morning from fighting or because the straps that held me down in the dream were too tight. It was like I was there for real. Then, when I don't have those types of dreams, I don't dream at all. It is nothing but blackness.”

              I stopped to take in everyone's expression. The looks were blank, placid even. No one looked horrified just yet.

              “So, you are in these rooms and what is happening to you?” Ash asked.

              “Well, it's just like I said. There are test and I'm being strapped down. I remember one dream where the two guys are standing outside the door talking about how they wish there was something they could do to prevent my passing, like I only had a certain amount of time to live. I'm trapped in these places, because later on, I dream about escaping some nights.”

              “So, when you escape, what is it that you see and what are you escaping for?” Michael asked.

              “Just recently I saw the area outside of the room I'm living in. It is the laboratory that is connected to the room.”