More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (63 page)

What you
can
do is encourage them to speak directly to one another. If one of them asks for insight about what the other is thinking or feeling, resist the urge to answer, and instead suggest they ask the other person directly. If their conflict is going to be resolved,
they,
not you, will resolve it.

METAMOURS AS THE PRICE OF ADMISSION

In an ideal world, we poly folks could be sure that all our partners would always be thrilled with each other and enjoy spending time together. In such a world, leprechauns frolic with unicorns under trees that blossom with cotton candy. The fact is, sometimes people just don't like each other. Columnist Dan Savage has said that all relationships have a "price of admission." The perfect partner doesn't exist. Everyone has some quirk, habit or trait that becomes annoying once we get involved with them. It might be something as simple as leaving dirty socks on the coffee table. Whatever it is, there's always an annoyance or three that we need to be able to get over if we want to be with someone for long.

In the poly world, sometimes a person's other partner might be that price of admission. Occasionally someone we love very much will love someone very much whom we love not much at all. It's the price of admission for being with that person. Both of us have had the experience of loving people whose partners we care rather less for. The best guidelines we can offer are to behave, to the best of our abilities, like reasonable adults when we're around people we don't particularly like; to understand that these people add value to the lives of those we care about; and to seek to be supportive and compassionate toward those our partners love.

Poly people tend to act as though metamour relationships are free. That is, we invest in relationships with our partners, but don't often think of the investment required to maintain friendships with their partners. In fact, these relationships can require considerable effort to build and maintain, especially for people who tend to be introverted. An expectation of close relationships, or even family, between metamours is a tacit expectation that someone will be willing to invest significant time and emotional energy in us, just to be with us. However amazing we may think we are, that's asking quite a lot.

In open poly networks, an expectation that each person is involved on some level with every metamour, and each of
their
metamours, and each of their metamours, quickly becomes unrealistic.
Dunbar's number,
the number of significant interpersonal relationships that a human is capable of maintaining at once, is generally taken to be around 150. Our own romantic network has occasionally reached more than 80 people, which is more than halfway to Dunbar's number
.
A serious approach to our whole network as "polyfamily" would require us to neglect many other important relationships in our lives (birth families, relatives, work colleagues, friends, neighbors), just to remain connected to our networks. For an introvert, especially, even the number of first-degree metamours a person might have could exceed her total number of close, lifelong friends.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Problems between metamours can be as corrosive as problems between partners in poly relationships, so they bear careful thought. Here are some questions to ask yourself about your expectations of metamours:

• What are my expectations of my metamours?
  
• Do I have to know my metamours? Do I expect to have close relationships with them?
  
• Do my expectations allow space for metamours who might have different expectations?
  
• How do I communicate my expectations?
  
• How and when do I want to meet my metamours?
  
• Do I give my partner space to conduct his relationship with my other partner, without trying to take sides in conflicts or carry messages between them?
  
• What will I do if I don't get along well with a partner's partner? What do I do if one of my partners doesn't get along well with another of my partners?
  

24

FINDING PARTNERS

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

ANAÏS
NIN

Dating in the poly world is a lot like dating in the monogamous world, with some exceptions. For those of you who are single or solo poly there's not much difference at all, except that you may be openly dating more than one person at once and you need to disclose those other relationships. For people in a close partnership such as a marriage, however, poly dating will likely involve special scheduling or logistical constraints. You might have to work around a partner's schedule or, if you have a nesting partner and you don't live in a large house, you might find it difficult to bring a date home overnight. None of these problems is unique to polyamory, though: monogamous single parents face similar dating challenges.

Still, "How do I find partners?" is one of the top questions we hear about polyamory. And there are certainly unique concerns: finding poly partners, choosing partners who are compatible with you and your poly style, and disclosing your poly relationships are all things to think about.

IT'S NOT ABOUT FATE

The fairy tale of love has a lot to say about finding romantic partners, but most of this info is not very useful to poly folks. A great deal of it has to do with fate and luck and eyes meeting across crowded rooms. We believe luck plays little role in finding partners. Your success or failure at finding good romantic relationships depends on many factors that are within your control. When we have been unsuccessful finding partners, we've found it helpful to look at ourselves, what we're doing, what we're offering and what we're asking for.

Some things consistently make it harder or easier to connect with potential partners. We offer the following guidelines:

• Try not to make every social encounter about your search for a partner.
  The harder you look the more desperate you appear, and the more people will avoid you—except the kind who find desperate-seeming people attractive, and these are often not the kind you'll be able to form a healthy relationship with.
  
• Be out, if you can.
  You can't say "Poly folks are hard to meet" if you're closeted and nobody knows about you. Although some people have significant barriers to openness, such as concerns over employment or an ongoing child-custody dispute, being closeted will hamper finding poly partners. We discuss coming out in the next chapter.
  
• Be casual.
  If you treat being poly as if it's a shameful secret, then folks will act as if it's a shameful secret. If you're open and casual about it, then responses are more like "Oh, I have this friend who's poly too. Do you know him? Maybe I should introduce you."
  
• Network with other poly folks.
  Go to poly groups or events.
  
• Don't be afraid to expand your social horizons.
  If you don't know any poly folks in your social group, build a new social group. Hang out with other poly people even if you don't want to date them. Become part of the crowd. Get to know people as people before sizing them up as dating material.
  

SHOULD YOU DATE ONLY POLY PEOPLE?

If you choose only partners who are already polyamorous, as both of us do, a lot of problems are solved right away. However, many people like the opportunity to connect with people who aren't necessarily familiar with polyamory.

Each approach has advantages and disadvantages. Choosing partners who are already poly decreases the chances that, at some point in the future, they'll want a monogamous relationship. It also means they're more likely to have already developed skills to navigate poly. In fact, we know people who won't start a relationship with anyone who doesn't already have at least two partners, on the grounds that dating people with multiple partners allows you to see in advance how well they relate to multiple people.

On the other hand, making this choice really does narrow the dating pool. The poly community in most places is relatively small. Which also means that if you have a bad breakup, everybody will know about it. Then again, maybe that's not a bad thing. Where everyone hears the gossip, there's an incentive to treat people well and keep breakups civil.

If you opt to start a relationship with someone who's new to poly, be prepared for a lot of discussion and negotiation. It can be helpful to read websites, books and other resources about polyamory together. Talk about what polyamory means to each of you, and how your visions of it mesh. Trying to "convert" a person to polyamory is a bit of a mixed bag. Some people take to polyamory naturally as soon as they discover it. Others find that, no matter how hard they try, they can never become happy with it. Starting a relationship with a person who's unsure but willing to "try" may mean painful renegotiations later, and possibly a choice between the end of the relationship and the end of your dreams.

TELLING A PROSPECTIVE PARTNER ABOUT POLYAMORY

So you're on a hot date, maybe with someone you met online or at a party—outside the poly context. Things are looking good, you're feeling chemistry…so when do you talk about polyamory?

EVE'S STORY
It was the year before I started my first poly relationship, with Ray. Peter and I had formally opened our relationship three years before, but we'd had only a few mediocre dates with people we met online, and a few awkward and ill-fated attempts at initiating interest with people in our social circle.

I met Hugh at a concert by a folksinger who happened to be openly polyamorous. I naively assumed that Hugh would be aware of and comfortable with poly. The two of us hit it off, flirting throughout the concert, and at the end of it, we exchanged numbers. A few days later, we met for dinner and a political lecture (you know, just your routine leftist-intellectual first date).

I knew I had to bring up polyamory—and Peter—with Hugh, but had no idea how. So I looked for an opening in the conversation. Hugh started talking about his union involvement.
Aha! My opening. Peter was in a union too!
The words came out all at once. "Oh yeah, my husband is in a union and is really involved in it and oh, by the way, we're polyamorous and oh, you don't know what polyamory is?"

A look of shock and betrayal briefly crossed Hugh's face—but I thought to myself,
Of course, I never actually told him I wasn't married, right?
To his credit, he recovered quickly and gracefully. We went to the lecture and politely said our goodbyes. There was no second date.

Ask people in the poly community when to bring up polyamory and many will say, "Before the first date," though a few will hold out. "Not until you're sure you want a relationship."

We are definitely in the "Before the first date—if not earlier" camp. You might avoid bringing up the subject early for fear of "scaring off" a prospective partner. However, we find this logic faulty. If someone isn't okay with polyamory, you
want
to know right away so you don't waste each other's time. Putting off the conversation too long will make an incompatible partner feel like you pulled a bait and switch; you deprived him of the chance to give informed consent to being on a date with you at all. Our policy is unapologetic openness: If one of us is on a first date with someone, that person is
already
well aware we are polyamorous.

Being forthright is much easier when you hold the abundance model of relationships. Wanting to put off disclosure about polyamory reveals a scarcity model: an idea that relationship opportunities are so rare that every opportunity must be pursued, even a wrong one. When it comes to bringing up polyamory, simple and direct is usually most successful, especially if you are already partnered. Hiding or talking obliquely about your partner or spouse is really not going to impress your date—at least not in a good way.

Treating polyamory like bad news that needs to be broken gently also isn't a great approach. People take their cues about how to respond to something from the way you present it. If you treat polyamory as if it's an unfortunate medical condition or a guilty secret, that's how they'll see it. If you treat it as a bold philosophy that you're proud to share with the world, they may be impressed by your avant-garde amazingness.

Start simply. "I'm polyamorous." Explain what that means to you. "I believe in open relationships with the knowledge and approval of everybody, and maybe multiple interconnections if everything clicks for the people." Ask questions, such as "Are you open to polyamory?" or (if you know your prospective partner is poly) "What kind of poly do you practice? What kind are you most interested in?" Approaching a potential new partner with integrity means being transparent about your relationship expectations.