More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (67 page)

FRANKLIN'S STORY
Many years ago, when I first started dating Maryann, my new relationship caused conflict between my business partner at the time and his girlfriend. His girlfriend believed that Maryann was his "type," so when she and I started dating, his girlfriend became convinced that he would follow my lead and want a poly relationship too.

They argued about it for almost a week, in spite of the fact that my business partner had never expressed any interest in polyamory generally or in Maryann specifically.

We call this particular response "fear of the polyamorous possibility," a term coined by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. Sometimes it is expressed as fear that poly people are always on the prowl. At its root, it's the fear that polyamory
offers an attractive option
—for your partner, and maybe for you. About all you can do when faced with this reaction is to explain that you're not interested in people in monogamous relationships. Don't expect that always to work, though. Sometimes you have to accept that you will lose friends.

EVE'S STORY
My very first coming-out story is a perfect horror story of what to avoid. Peter and I had made the decision to be poly the year before, but we were clueless in how to talk about it, or to whom, or how to meet people. I had a crush on his friend Justin, who was married to an acquaintance of mine, Jeanne. We decided it would be a good idea to come out to them by having Peter talk to Justin about our open relationship and my interest in Justin.

Their conversation went well, but Justin said that Jeanne would never accept an open relationship, and Peter and I considered the matter closed. Except that a few weeks later, Justin told Jeanne about the conversation. The next day, Jeanne sent me two of the most vitriolic, angry emails I have ever received, before or since. She had decided that my entire relationship with her had been a ploy to get to Justin, that I had been implementing a long-term master plan to manipulate her, or perhaps even go behind her back. She accused me of taking a desperate grasp at a fantasy and told me, "I will warn you to keep your eyes and your mind off my husband." I asked her to meet me to talk face-to-face, but she refused to see me.

This experience was the first time I realized just how far Peter and I really were from mainstream society: by the traditional script, I was clearly in the wrong, and Jeanne was absolutely right to hate and fear me. Until then, I had imagined we might be selling our friends short by not telling them, but with this, I began to doubt myself—and them.

Eve and Peter lost many friends besides Justin and Jeanne, even after learning the (rather obvious to them now) lesson that it's better to find out how people feel about polyamory—and you being poly—
before
you disclose an interest in them. This kind of rejection never happened again quite so dramatically, but many people gradually distanced themselves, stopped returning calls, changed the subject when we'd mention our other partners. Usually it didn't seem to be judgment that created the distance, only discomfort—a feeling that they were somehow no longer the same, that their friends couldn't relate to them. And to be fair, the experience was so chilling that they may have pulled away from other friends in the small community they lived in—which they left shortly thereafter, to move to a large city—purely out of self-defense.

COMING OUT POLY

Being open has a lot of personal advantages. It relieves what is for many a constant sense of tension and dread about what will happen if someone says the wrong thing or lets the wrong information slip. It's easier to be authentic to yourself when you don't need to hide who you are. It's easier to act with integrity when you're authentic to yourself. Not expecting partners to be closeted, and being willing to acknowledge partners as partners, helps promote strong, secure relationships.

EVE'S STORY
During the four years that Peter and I explored the idea of opening our relationship, without being sure what that would look like, we didn't talk to any of our friends or family about it. Even when we bought a house with another family, we didn't come out to them. We saw it as part of our private sex lives, no one's business.

That all changed when I fell in love with Ray.

Ray was very quickly becoming an important part of my life, but one I couldn't mention. I would censor myself when I talked to my friends, and I realized that that wasn't okay. And falling for Ray was changing everything for me: who I was, what I wanted, what my marriage would look like from then on. If my friends were going to know me, they needed to know about Ray.

So I made a list of all the most important people in my life. And one by one, coffee after coffee, I came out to each one of them. For the most part, my friends lived up to the trust I'd given them. Though some fell by the wayside or pulled back, most were not only supportive of my choices, but have done their best to learn and understand, to ask questions and not make assumptions. They've been willing to spend time with my other partners and with Peter's other partners.

Then I came to the last name on the list. My mom. I'd always felt my mom held up my relationship with Peter as some kind of personal romantic ideal. When we separated, four years into our relationship, we never told her; we were too afraid of the pain the disappointment would cause. So it was pretty darn scary to tell her about being poly, that we weren't that romantic ideal and never would be.

Peter and I drove to meet my mom for dinner one evening and agreed that was when we'd tell her. On the drive there, I began to panic. Peter took my hand and asked me if I'd like him to do the talking; I said yes.

That may sound cowardly, but it turned out to be important. It's not just that Peter is a good talker. Hearing about my relationship with Ray in Peter's own words allowed my mother to see that he was on board with it, a full participant in our decision to be poly, and supportive of my relationship with Ray. If she hadn't heard it from Peter, she could have easily imagined that I was just cheating and we were trying to put a positive spin on it, or that I was taking advantage of Peter.

So you're ready to come out. How do you do it? Every person may have a different preferred approach. That said, some approaches succeed more often than others. You probably don't want to sit down at the Thanksgiving table and say, "Mom, Dad, I want you to know I'm having sex with a bunch of people. Pass the cranberry sauce?" Holidays can be stressful under the best of circumstances, with everyone hoping Uncle Bill won't repeat last year's incident with the lampshade and the toaster. Plus, coming out means revealing something deeply personal about yourself, and that usually works better as part of a private conversation.

A more successful approach might be "You know my friend Marcel, right? Who I spend a lot of time with? Marcel and I are in a romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong between Ambrose and me. Our relationship is excellent, and I'm grateful to have his support as I explore my relationship with Marcel. We're very happy together. I love you, and it's important for me to be authentic with you." Focus on the positive, without apology or evasion. You're here to share yourself, not to apologize for being who you are. Talk about how polyamory is a part of your life that makes you happy. Above all, remember the people you're talking to are people you want to share authenticity with.

It certainly helps to have your partners right there, or at least your socially recognized partner, as with Eve and Peter. This shows, in a way that can't be ignored, that your partners really are in on it and okay with it. Otherwise your listeners may sometimes assume you're not telling them the real story, or that you are deluded. Allow them time to process what they're hearing. The people who love you want what's best for you, even if they think what's best for you comes from a rigid social script. If someone reacts negatively, you may be tempted to respond defensively. Try not to do that. Be polite and cordial. Say "I would be happy to discuss this with you more, if you like." Be willing, if the other person is interested, to share what it is about your relationships that brings you joy. And then be prepared to give people space! It can take time for friends and family to come around to understanding that you're not a terrible cheater stepping out on your long-suffering partner or taking advantage of a string of lovers.

Being polyamorous is still not as well understood as, for example, being gay or bisexual. So it's likely that the people you come out to will have a lot of questions about what it means. It helps to have a short spiel about what polyamory is. You can explain the basics: It's a form of romantic relationship where you have more than one romantic partner at the same time with everybody's knowledge and consent. It's not a form of cheating, sanctioned or otherwise. The focus of polyamory is different from the focus in swinging, which tends to be more concerned with recreational sex rather than romantic relationships. It's not the same as polygamy, which is the practice of having multiple spouses. It's not about collecting a harem, as polyamory tends to give all the people involved freedom to be involved in more than one relationship at once. It doesn't mean that your existing relationship, if you have one, is in trouble.

It helps to start by telling people who are more likely to be supportive. Sometimes, if you have one family member you are sure will be a problem, coming out to more accepting friends or family first is useful, because they can act as allies when you talk to others. Even if they try to be supportive, people can also be unintentionally hurtful when they first learn about polyamory. If someone says, "Oh, I thought you and Olivia were happy," that doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to disparage your relationship. It may simply indicate an assumption that polyamory means you're dissatisfied with your partner. A simple, upbeat "Oh, we are! We love being together!" is a good way to address this response. Again, focus on the positive. Don't let the other person get under your skin.

Coming out doesn't have to involve a deep, serious conversation. Sometimes the easiest way is to let it arise naturally in a conversation.

"What did you do last night?"

"My boyfriend and I went out dancing with his wife and her girlfriend. We had a great time! There's a new place downtown that's really nice, though the band was only so-so."

Answer questions that come up, but don't feel compelled to share more information than the person you're talking to seems interested in hearing.

People take their cues for how to respond from the way you present something. If you're open and casual about coming out, people will tend to react like it's not a big deal. If you act like it's shameful or embarrassing, people will think it is. Anxiety about being out makes it more difficult to act casual, so the more you're worried about the way someone will respond, the more likely you'll receive a negative response, which increases your anxiety about coming out, which makes it more likely people will respond poorly…and so on.