More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (68 page)

Remember that coming out is a process, not something that happens in an instant. You might choose to come out to some people first, then gradually expand the circle.

Women coming out as polyamorous sometimes face greater social pushback than men do, because of the double standard that men with multiple partners are "studs" while women with multiple partners are "sluts." This double standard can result in much harsher judgment for women. It can be tempting to counter accusations of promiscuity by saying, "No, I'm not promiscuous, I'm very selective," or "I'm polyfidelitous," but that ends up reinforcing the double standard. It's a way of tacitly saying, "Yes, promiscuity is bad, but I'm not that way."

We don't know of any thirty-second elevator speech that effectively counters this ingrained social attitude. The best advice we can offer is to meet it with confidence and self-assurance. Keep your cool, respond calmly that a woman's value doesn't depend on her sex life or being opposed to sex, and above all, avoid internalizing this kind of judgment.

COMING OUT AND CHILDREN

One question nearly every poly parent has is when and how to explain things to children, and how much to disclose to them. The best guideline we know of, repeated to us over the years by dozens of poly parents, is to be open, within age-appropriate boundaries. For you to answer questions honestly as they arise may be all many children need or want; you may never need to have a serious sit-down talk about your lifestyle (although your child may someday want to initiate one). The healthiest poly homes we know of are the ones where the parents are open about their partners.

Trying to conceal relationships from children is unlikely to work and may lead them to feel that your relationships are somehow shameful or dirty. At the same time, there's rarely a need to disclose
anything
about your sex life to your kids, except—perhaps—when it's time to have the safety talk with them about their own sex lives. "You know how Mom's boyfriend has two other girlfriends? Well, here's how we keep that safe." In between, well…your three-year-old probably doesn't need to know that your good buddy Brian is anything other than a friend who loves Daddy. Your six-year-old is likely to pick up that Brian is pretty special to Dad, and by eight years old, she'll have probably figured out that Brian is Daddy's boyfriend.

The situation is a little different if you have older kids and decide to open your relationship. Your children won't have grown up accustomed to having other partners around. Then you probably will need to have the Talk. You will likely find it easier to come out to them once you actually have a new partner, or at least when someone's on the horizon. Again, you don't need to disclose more than is appropriate for your child's age. A younger child may just need to know that the new person is important; an older one should be told that they are a partner. You may or may not choose to go into the word
polyamory
.

Your child will need many of the same reassurances as adults: That your being poly doesn't mean the parents don't love each other anymore. That it doesn't mean you're going to have a string of strangers parading through the house. That you are committed to keeping them safe and happy, and that you want to know about any concerns they have about any partner of yours.

When Franklin's partner Vera came out to her daughter Angelica, who was six, Angelica asked for veto power over Vera's partners. Vera told her no, but said that she could always talk about a concern, that she had a right to get to know Vera's partners, and that she had a right to continue to see Vera's partners even after Vera was no longer involved with them, if she wanted.

Be prepared for the possibility that your children, particularly preteens or teenagers, will reject your polyamory outright. It may take them years to understand and accept. In fact, polyamory may become part of the focus of their teenage rebellion. They may hurl toxic judgments at you, as happens to lots of parents with teenagers; you've just given them a special target. The fact that it's to be expected—and ultimately not about you—doesn't mean it won't hurt. Have faith that by the time they are adults, they are likely to come around.

Children also complicate whether to be out publicly. Depending on where you live, you and your kids may experience stigma, and you may even face legal threats. Particularly in some conservative areas of the United States, polyamory can be and is used as a powerful weapon in custody battles. (In most parts of Canada, where polyamory has been recognized by the courts as legal, evidence of polyamory is very hard to admit into child custody or child protection cases.) Teachers and other parents may react badly to your lifestyle and end up taking it out on the kids. These are all considerations in the decision whether to be out.

Many poly parents are out in their wider communities, and—sometimes after a period of adjustment—many find that it presents little difficulty. (Your mileage may vary, of course: this is very location-specific.) Even if you live in a fairly accepting community, you may find that your kids feel embarrassed about not having a "normal" family. It's a good idea to think about how to balance your own need to be out against your kids' needs or desires for privacy, especially as they get older.

COMING OUT TO THERAPISTS AND HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS

We believe it's very important to be honest about polyamory with certain people. As Franklin's mom says, "Never lie to your doctor or your lawyer. They can't help you if they don't know the truth." Most doctors will probably assume, if not told otherwise, that their patients are straight, cisgender and monogamous. Being polyamorous is not the STI risk that some people believe it to be, but it does raise your risk profile. Some doctors are reluctant to give STI tests to patients who are married or in long-term relationships, for example, because they assume the tests are unnecessary.

With therapists or counselors, being out is arguably even more important. Being able to talk freely to your therapist is essential to effective therapy. More to the point, if your therapist judges you or tries to pin whatever problems you have on polyamory, you have a bad therapist. You want to discover that so you can get a different one.

Coming out to a health care professional means, as with anyone else, overcoming your fear of judgment or disapproval. But remember that your doctor and your therapist are your employees. You're paying them to render a professional service. Professional ethics require them to conduct themselves appropriately, regardless of their personal beliefs about relationships.

If you're not out to others, you may be concerned that a health care professional might out you to family members, your employer or other people. In most cases this is a violation of professional ethics, may be against the law and may give you grounds to sue. Patient confidentiality is an important part of the health care system; without it, people can't be expected to open up about important things. Nevertheless, some doctors and, slightly more often, therapists do behave unethically, so the risk of you being out to them is not zero.

Franklin has a speech he uses with any new medical professional that goes something like this: "If you and I are going to work together, there are some things you need to know about me. One is that I am polyamorous. I have multiple sexual partners, with the knowledge of everyone involved. I am aware of STI risks and I take care to talk to all my partners about our health boundaries. We take safer-sex measures as appropriate. I am also involved in consensual BDSM activities with some of my partners. This means there may be times when there are marks on my body. This does not indicate I am in an abusive relationship. If you have any questions or concerns, please ask me now, and I would be happy to talk to you about them. If you have a problem with this, please let me know, as I don't believe we will be a good fit for each other."

There are booklets and resources on the Web for therapists and other professionals explaining what they need to know about polyamorous relationships. If you're concerned that your therapist won't know how to talk to you about your romantic life, see the links to these at the end of this book. It pays to ask other poly folks for referrals to doctors or other professionals. Finding a poly-aware professional can save you a lot of stress, and you shouldn't have to teach a professional about polyamory on your dime. If you can't get a referral, you can try a Web search for "poly-aware professionals," though that's more likely to succeed in or near a large North American city. Directories of queer-friendly or kink-friendly professionals can also be quite helpful, as these people tend to also be poly-aware or at least not sex-negative.

There's a special pitfall in working with a health care professional who is herself part of an alternative community: you may end up meeting them in a social context. Handling this overlap requires impeccable boundaries and integrity on the part of the professional. We've seen it handled very badly, with serious negative consequences. The person you're working with should normally be covered by some sort of licensing board or professional association, which will usually have a code of ethics. Such codes normally discourage social contact outside the professional relationship.

LETTING YOUR LOVED ONES LOVE YOU

Accepting you as poly may be a big step for the people close to you. They may feel they don't know you as well as they thought they did, or that you're a different person than they thought you were. Over time, most will come to see that you are still the same person they've always cared about. The truth is that most people—though certainly not all—will eventually adjust their worldview a bit to make it big enough to fit someone they love, rather than become permanently estranged from a close friend or family member. Coming to terms with you being poly may force them to confront inner demons of their own. This can take time.

EVE'S STORY
It took time for my mother to come to terms with my polyamory. I gave her books, which she read. She had occasional "Where did I go wrong?" moments. At first she resisted meeting Ray, though eventually she did. That helped: she was able to see him as a real person, and our relationship as a real thing, and see how much we cared about each other. About a month later she sent me this email, with a request to share it with Peter and Ray:

My Dearest Eve, Peter, and Ray,

I began reading the books you lent me on polyamory, starting with the Wendy-O Matik book because it looked like it would be quick and easy to read, and that resulted in quite an epiphany when I found myself reading the same things I thought, believed in, and forgot decades ago.

Years ago, before I met any of you, I figured out about love and loving and being loved. I believed it and preached it, and when I had an opportunity to actually do it, guess what? I totally fucked it up! And by that, I mean I not only failed to make it work by not even beginning to practice what I'd been loudly and vehemently preaching to anybody with the patience to listen, but I did as much damage as I possibly could to as many people as possible (including, but unfortunately by no means limited to, myself), and emerged feeling aggrieved and self-righteous about it all.

So you might think that, when you told me you had decided polyamory was right for you, I reacted with anxiety and defensiveness because I'd had such a devastating experience myself, but you would be wrong. I reacted that way because I sensed something really ugly was lurking beneath the surface of my integrity with which, whether I chose to or not, I was about to come face to face.

I'm guessing the point of dredging all this up now is that maybe it will leave me free to love all of you, and the other friends and lovers that will come into your lives, respect the choices you have made, and be proud of your courage, independence, and ability to love in ways for which you will find very little support and much discouragement. Anyway, that's my hope.

I'm entirely supportive of the way you have determined to live your lives and delighted that my daughter has two such wonderful men in her life.

Much, much love,

Mom

When we make ourselves vulnerable to others, we do more than show them how we value their friendship. We show that we trust them and are willing to be seen by them. We choose to let them show us the best of themselves. This is, perhaps, the best reason to come out to those we love.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

It's important to consider whether you have an adequate social support system when you begin polyamorous relationships. It's also important to carefully consider why you choose to remain closeted or to come out, and the effects that this decision will have on you and those close to you. Here are some things to think about: