Mrs. Lilly Is Silly! (7 page)

“Klutz!” he shouted. “Why are you standing there with your pants down?”

“I… I… I was just proving to the children that I wear underpants,” Mr. Klutz explained.

“The children are here to learn about reading, writing, and arithmetic,” yelled Dr. Carbles. “They're not here to learn about your underwear.”

“But … but … but…”

We all started giggling because Mr. Klutz kept saying “but,” which sounds just like “butt”; but you can't say “butt” in school. Nobody knows why.

“Parading around in your underpants is not part of your job description, Klutz!” said Dr. Carbles. “You're fired!”

Everybody gasped. That's when a bunch of the teachers came running into the room.

“We heard that the students are writing mean stories about us in the school paper,” shouted Mr. Macky. “Is this true?”

“Yes, it's true!” Mr. Klutz said, waving around a copy of
The Ella Mentry Sentry
. “Look at this! ‘Mrs. Patty—Dog Killer!' ‘Vice Principal Poisoned Defenseless Animals!' ”

“You can't print that garbage!” shouted Ms. Coco.

“Sure we can,” said Mrs. Lilly. “Didn't you ever hear of freedom of the press? It's in the First Amendment.”

“Well, I'm the president of the Board of Education,” said Dr. Carbles as he grabbed all the papers out of the printer, “and what I say goes. I'm shutting down
The Ella Mentry Sentry
right now!”

Everybody gasped.

“That's not fair!” Ryan shouted. “It's our paper. You can't shut it down!”

“Oh yes, I can!” Dr. Carbles said. “And there's nothing you can do about it. Nobody will
ever
read this trash!”

Everybody was really upset. But Mrs. Lilly had a little smile on her face.

“I'm sorry to tell you this,” she said quietly, “but people are
already
reading
The Ella Mentry Sentry
.”

“What?!” shouted Dr. Carbles as he waved the papers in the air. “How can anybody read it if I have all the pages?”

“Because they're reading the online edition,” Mrs. Lilly told him. “
The Ella Mentry Sentry
is on the internet. I sent it to WikiLeaks. Thousands of people are probably reading it right now.”

“Oh no!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “Everybody is going to think I have two wives, and that I don't wear underpants!”

“People are going to say I beat my wife!” shouted Mr. Docker.

“They'll say I'm a drunk!” shouted Miss Laney.

“And that I kill defenseless animals,” shouted Mrs. Jafee.

Suddenly, there was a siren outside. I looked out the window. A police car pulled up to the school, and two cops got out. A minute later they were in our classroom.

“Which one of you is the principal of this school?” one of the policemen asked.

“I am,” said Mr. Klutz.

“Well, you're under arrest,” said the policeman. “It's against the law to have more than one wife.”

“But … but … but … this is all a big mistake, Officer,” Mr. Klutz tried to explain. “I don't have—”

“You have the right to remain silent,” interrupted the policeman as he got out a pair of handcuffs. “So be quiet. And pull up your pants.”

The policeman handcuffed Mr. Klutz and led him away. The other policeman took a pad out of his pocket.

“Okay, we also need to arrest the guy who beats his wife, the lady who burns down houses, the car thief, and, uh, who's the dog killer?” he asked.

“That would be me,” said Mrs. Patty, raising her hand.

“The guy who kisses married women can stay,” said the policeman, “and so can the illegal alien and the lady who thinks she sees Elvis in soup bowls. But we're keeping an eye on you three.”

He put handcuffs on Mr. Docker, Mrs. Yonkers, Ms. Coco, and Mrs. Patty. Then he led them out the doorway. It was cool! We got to see it live and in person.

Nobody said anything for a while after the police car drove away. Then Mrs. Lilly stood up and put her trench coat on.

“Well, my work is done here,” she said. “You can thank me later. For now, I have to go.”

“Do you have to go,” I asked, “or do you have to
go
?”

“I mean, leave,” said Mrs. Lilly.

“You don't need to use leaves,” I told her. “There's toilet paper in the bathroom.”

Dr. Carbles and just about all the other grown-ups left the classroom after that. The only one who was still there was Mr. Granite.

“Okay,” said Mr. Granite, “maybe we can finally do our math lesson now. Turn to page twenty-three in your—”

He never got the chance to finish his sentence, because at that moment a loud bell rang.

Brrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnngggggg!

It was three o'clock! Time to go home! Yay! No math!

When I got home, my mom asked me what happened at school during the day.

“Nothing,” I said.
*

I didn't know if school would be open on Monday, because Mr. Klutz and half the teachers were in jail. But when I got to school, the front door was open, and there were a bunch of substitute teachers in the halls.

Most of the kids were already in class when I got there. I put my stuff in my cubby and sat down.
*
And you'll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

It was Mayor Hubble, who is like the king of the whole town! He walked right into the door!

“Ouch!” Mayor Hubble said. “That hurts!”

“Will you be our teacher today, Mayor?” asked Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

“Yes,” Mayor Hubble said, “we ran out of substitute teachers, so I'm filling in today.”

“Is it true that you were going to the bathroom when a tree fell on your house?” Alexia asked the mayor.

“Yes, I was trapped in there for many hours.”

“Well, at least you had a bathroom handy,” I said.

The mayor opened up his briefcase and pulled out some papers. He passed one to each of us.

“The teachers were inspired by you kids,” Mayor Hubble said. “Over the weekend, they made a little newspaper just like yours. I thought you might want to look at it. There are some great human interest stories in here.”

I looked at the newspaper. This is what the top headline said:

“Ewwwwwwwww, disgusting!” Neil the nude kid shouted.