Murderers Anonymous (23 page)

***

Mulholland stared at the bottom of his fifth pint of Tennents. Drinking too much since he'd got back up to Glasgow, but it'd only been two days, and he knew he was pretty close to walking out on McMenemy and his ridiculous search for Barney Thomson. He could head back up north, forget the police, forget Barney, forget McMenemy, forget Erin Proudfoot and her pale face and beautiful lips, and spend his days up to his waist in freezing water trying to catch fish that had long since headed down to the African coast for a bit of warmth.

Maybe he'd continue the counselling, but if he'd ditched the police, they wouldn't pay for it any more, and there was no way he'd be able to afford the eight-million-pounds-a-minute fees of Murz and her crew. Maybe he could date Murz and get his counselling for free. She might have been fifty and a bit hairier than you'd like in a woman, but there'd still been something about her.

He delved into the bottom of a packet of crisps and came up with crumbs. Lifted his glass, stuffed the empty packet back inside and headed to the bar. Elvis on the jukebox.
You saw me crying in my beer..
. Mulholland could hear him singing.

Quiet pub, didn't have to wait. A large-breasted barman approached.

'Pint of Tennents and a packet of salt and vinegar, please, mate,' he said.

The barman went about his business, and Mulholland wondered if it wouldn't be better if perhaps he were just to die.

***

Later on that night, the killer sat at home, drinking beer and eating pizza. And he watched
The
Silence of the Lambs
, and thought to himself that Lecter was a complete pussy and that he could take him out with one swish of a knife.

Fava beans, my arse.

William Stanton squinted up at Barney, as he put the finishing touches to an exquisite Special Agent Dale Cooper; which would nevertheless leave him a laughing-stock among his mates. Stanton was slightly distracted, even though he was in full flow on one of his pet subjects.

'Aye, I'm telling you, that's what it says these days. And another one. Have you seen it, on the top of milk cartons? A big sticker that says
Keep in Fridge
? I mean, what kind of delinquent arse is that aimed at? Who needs to be told to keep their milk in the fridge?'

Barney was uninterested. Blizzard read the paper. Barney shrugged. Stanton attempted to catch his eye.

'Keep in fridge. You know what that says to me?'

Barney shook his head. Not really paying attention. Another night had passed when he had awoken screaming. Mind in turmoil.

'That says that they think I'm a fucking idiot. That's what it says. I'm going to sue. I'm going to sue them for disparaging my intelligence.'

Blizzard glanced over. Barney stood back and surveyed the finished product. Hadn't been concentrating, but he knew he'd done a good job all the same. This haircut would go far. Reached for the rear-view mirror and let the bloke have a look.

Stanton did not pay attention. Accepted the cut, but looked quizzically at Barney. There was recognition in his eye. Perhaps he realised that he might just have had his hair cut by a celebrity. Barney laid down the mirror and began the decloaking operation.

'Keep away from fire, that's another one,' said Stanton, not even listening to himself. 'On every bit of clothing you get nowadays. Who, in the name of God, is that aimed at? Where will I put this jumper while I'm not wearing it? Em, let me see, in the drawer or in the fire? Em, not sure really. I mean, for goodness' sake, what a load of shite. Bloody bastards,' he added, handing over the cash, and regarding Barney with some curiosity.

Barney didn't notice, headed to the till. Stanton decided to indulge his inquisitiveness.

'Have I seen you before, mate?' he asked, reaching for his coat.

Barney shrugged, turning back to him and handing over the change.

'Probably in the paper. I'm Barney Thomson,' he said.

William Stanton nodded, took the change from Barney. Forgot to give him a tip.

'The barber?' he asked.

Barney laughed and indicated the surroundings.

'Aye, but
the
barber?' asked Stanton.

'Aye,' said Barney. 'I'm
the
barber. Tried handing myself in, but they're not interested. Just don't believe I am who I say. There you go.'

And he reached for the brush and started to clear up.

Blizzard took a little more notice, but not much. Reading the personal ads. '
Woman. 65. Moustache and large lump on her face. Weekly change of pants. Likes mince. Seeks barber from Greenock, mid-80s.
'

'There you go, who'd have thought it. I've had my hair cut by a legend. Wait till I tell Denise,' said Stanton. 'And did you really murder all those nuns at the weekend, like it says in the paper?'

Barney laughed softly and resignedly again; shrugged his shoulders.

'Do I look as if I murdered any nuns?' he said, looking up.

Stanton shook his head.

'Suppose not,' he said. 'Suppose not. Right, thanks anyway, mate. Stoatir of a haircut, by the way.'

Barney acknowledged the compliment, and bent once more over his brush. The bell tinkled and Stanton was gone, out into the mild drudgery of another late December day. Three days before Christmas, with the promise of ill-cheer and untold misery in the air. And presents; lots of presents.

Barney swept; Blizzard read the paper. Barney contemplated the dream of the night before, Blizzard wondered about the exact nature of the big lump on the face of Mrs Clean Weekly Pants.

'Oh, aye, Leyman,' said Barney, looking up. 'I nearly forgot. You don't mind if I nip off a bit early the day? This mob I've joined are going away for the weekend, you know, and they asked if I wanted to go with them.'

'A weekend, eh? Where're you off to?'

'Down south, somewhere. Jedburgh, Kelso kind of a way.'

Blizzard looked at him. Being deserted by his new friend already. Another night in the pub on his own. All thanks to the lure of womankind.

'Thinking with your dick, son, are you?'

Barney didn't even bother laughing it off. Mind on other things, the dream removing all thoughts of Katie Dillinger, so that he had awoken that morning in quite a different mood from that in which he'd gone to bed.

'Aye,' he said, 'I suppose. I've got to buy her a present,'n' all. I was pleased at the time, but now I've no idea what to get her.'

Blizzard nodded and sucked his teeth.

'Can I give you the benefit of my years of experience, son?' he asked.

Barney smiled – a sad smile – and rested on the end of his broom.

'Aye,' he said. 'Go on.'

Blizzard laid down the paper and pointed at him.

'It doesn't matter what the fuck you give them. They'll either want to shag you, or they won't.'

Barney shook his head, still smiling. Brilliant.

'Tell you what you can do, son, though. I'll tell you what does work.'

'Go on.'

'They aye open up for a bit of poetry.'

'Poetry? Get a grip, Leyman. This is the West of Scotland. She'll think I'm a poof.'

Blizzard picked up the paper again and prepared to read about
Absolutely Bloody Desperate
from Kirkintilloch.

'I'm telling you, son. Poetry's the thing. Give them a nice poem, and their legs open up like you're pulling a zipper. No bother. A zipper.'

Barney laughed and bent to his work. Poetry. Where was he going to find poetry at this short notice? Unless he was to write it himself.

And before he could even begin to wonder what might rhyme with 'shag you', his mind was once more enveloped by the dark dreams of the night before, and the far-off face of his nemesis.

***

'You see, there are three kinds of women.'

Barney nodded. Gerry Cohn was in full flow.

'There's your common-or-garden stankmonster. There's your Plain Jane. Then there's your no' bad-looking bit of stuff. You know, your Sophie Marceau or your Uma Thurman. I mean, obviously you can sub-divide they three categories to an infinite amount, to be fair, but when it comes to it, you've got those basic three.'

Barney nodded. He was not in the mood for the Gerry Cohns of the world. His thoughts were still plagued by the remnants of the dream; and every so often he tried to recapture the face which had presented itself to him, and when it did not come, he did his best to not think of it, hoping that it might come subconsciously to mind; and when it did not, he concentrated his thoughts upon it, and so it went on. And thus he left his brain in neutral, as Gerry Cohn did his stuff.

'So, what about this lassie you're wanting to shag, then, Big Man? Which of the three does she fit into?'

Barney let his brain judder into first. Where did Katie Dillinger fit into all of this? Had she some obscure, subconscious part to play in these recurring dreams and his daily dread? Was it all just an equal and opposite reaction to his optimism over the potential of his relationship?

'Somewhere between the good looking and the average, I suppose,' he said.

'Aye, aye,' said Cohn, 'I know what you mean. Quite often there's cross-pollination between substrata. That concept makes up quite a part of the paper I'm writing on it for my PhD, you know. Usually the movement's between the Plain Jane and the good-looking bit of stuff ones, right enough. You meet some lassie, she looks plain enough. A couple of months later, you've got to know her a bit better, she seems all right, good sense of humour and all that, and you want into her knickers. All of a sudden she's in the A-band. It's common. Course, it's just yourself who thinks she's a looker, not your mates.'

'Aye,' said Blizzard from behind the Mirror –
Thomson Butchers Cow in Abattoir
– 'but a stankmonster is aye a stankmonster.'

'How right you are, mate,' said Cohn.

Barney slid back into neutral and tried to concentrate on the dream. He was sure that the minister, the haunting spectre on his knees, praying for Barney's soul, had revealed himself at last. He still felt the shock of revelation, greater than the impact of just recognising someone he knew. But when he'd woken, the face was gone, and all that had been left was the terrible feeling of dread; of Death at his shoulder.

'You're looking a bit distracted there, Big Man,' said Cohn. 'You're not obsessing about the bird, are you?'

Barney looked down at the head of hair beneath him. The requested John Lennon (
Let it Be
) was already in danger of becoming a John Lennon (
Sergeant Pepper
), and if he was not careful, it could become a John Lennon (
Some Time His Hair Was Really Short
).