Music Notes (Heartbeat #3) (3 page)

Some time ago I would have been all over that. Beautiful girls offering themselves to me, thinking I was missing out on something. I was a taker then, empty and lost in my mother’s illness and the absence of my father, so I took all they offered. I would take the nameless girl, and after we screwed all night long, they would always ask me, “What did you think?” My mind was usually so far away thinking about the music we played recently or about something that we needed to practice. My normal response was, “I think it was good, could be real good, but we definitely need to switch some things around.” The nameless girl would reply, “Like what?” and with that my head would snap out of my thoughts and I would reply, “Oh, sorry. I was thinking of my music.” Most times they would stomp out, or once in a while they would lean back into me to caress me like I needed that. I was so freaking numb to the emotion of love that their touch often chilled me.

Going through my father’s voluntary departure from our lives when I needed him, and then my mother silently battling in her last days from her illness, I realize that this all took so much from me. The only caring soul I let into my thoughts and world back then was my sister Ashley. There were times Ashley told me to reel it in that I was getting out of hand, hurting girls’ hearts but since I didn’t feel it, I hadn’t considered they did either. I get up and head to the bar to grab a cold beer. I am lost in thought about becoming a father. I’m nervous and my thoughts continue to consume me. I reach for another beer. It’s warm up here in the loft area and I remove my shirt and throw it to the edge of the chair. I toss my head back and close my eyes and fade into visions of my past.

I hear Isaac and his roar entering the practice space. I hear a faint giggle of one of the girls that follow him like a mini harem. His steps are heavy as he comes up to where I am, crashed on the sofa. “Hey Rand what’s up? You look a mess dude,” Isaac says in my face.

“I’m fine. Just a bit off today, but give me a minute and we can start to work on some new tunes.” Before I could get myself up from the sofa I felt a slight touch of the softest finger trace the inner fold of my ear. Then she leaned in, and I felt her heat and watched her delicate, manicured nail trace the artwork that ran across my chest. Her velvety fingers fanned underneath my shirt. At first, apprehension soared through me. I was a bit taken back that Isaac had brought these girls in here, and one was already abandoning him and on to me. She was not shy at all, and straddled me in the next moment. This girl was quite confident of herself and ready to have some action. I didn’t care who she was. When a hottie is on top of you and lifting her shirt up over her head, I’m gone. She can take me wherever she wants. I am tired of being told to reel it in and I am certainly not going to now.

Her tongue licks across my chest tattoo and plays with my nipple and I then cannot take the tease any more. Clenching my hands into the sofa to not give into her, that last wet stroke from her soft lips made my dick hard. I can’t stop myself, and I reach out and take her hair in my fingers and pull her down toward me. I plunge my tongue into her mouth and give her everything she was after. “Enjoy yourself man, we can practice later,” Isaac says as he punches my arm and I hear him thud down the steps. He must have taken the other girl with him because when I finally look up from under the girl’s tangled hair, no one remains.

I hear her let out a soft moan and she begins to slide her skirt off. She is wearing the tiniest strip of fabric underneath. I am the lead vocalist in the band—I get sex—I can have just about anyone whenever I want. It should feel good, but somewhere in my head something is telling me that this just isn’t right. I pause and pull her away, but then she resists. She is completely fixed on my eyes and I can tell from that look that she wants me. Again, something bangs at me saying stop, but hell, I just don’t care. I’m going to take her. No one is around. The barn is empty, no one will know what is about to happen here. Just like the many times before, I haven’t even asked her name. I take her and flip her under me. I reach under and pull the soaked strip of fabric away. I rise up unzipping my jeans, and she licks her lip slowly. Seeing that, I hurry my movements. I reach over into the drawer off the side of the sofa and pull out a condom. As I rip it open I feel her take it from me. I stiffen more. I am giving this girl control to take me, to take over.

She begins rolling the condom down over the tip that has already begun to glisten. My mind is racing now with the thought that I can’t stop this. I squeeze my lids to keep them shut tightly just feeling the sensation, but I am unable to fully enjoy this. I am escaping in my own head. I reach out blindly and touch a sweet ass. It should feel great, but I don’t really feel anything. I am numb. I just want to
freaking
feel good again. My world is so great, the band, our music, a beautiful girl spread out below me for the taking, but I still am screwed up. I have nothing. I pump into her in a robotic motion. She moans and then shakes and says my name, “Oh Max that was incredible.” I pull out and grab my jeans. I walk back to the bathroom past the bar, and don’t look back. I stare at my face in the mirror hoping to have that stress released and all I see is my blank stare. I feel hollow and so empty.

Several minutes pass and I come back to the sofa. It’s empty, only the pillows are scattered out of place. Did I dream her, or did she leave already? I fall on to the sofa and throw my head back with a sigh. I hear light footsteps patter across the floor. I open my eyes to see she is still here with a beer and still completely naked. My eyes trail from her light, sun kissed blonde bangs that sweep her face to the faded long red strands that lay down gently blocking the dark coloring of her nipples. This girl is really beautiful but something is off. I just can’t figure out what it is. She leans in close to me and takes a sultry, slow sip of the beer and then hands it to me. As I take it, she then begins to close further into my personal space again. I push her back quickly. “Hey, let’s not start this again. I got practice to get started, but thanks for stopping by.” I see that flash of hurt in her eyes before she turns and grabs wildly at her clothing and tries her best to get dressed in world record time. “Hey,” is all I can call to her as she is stomping down the steps, but I knew if she stopped and looked back that I had nothing else to say. My heart is completely empty. I’m a piece of shit for doing this when everything is going well in my life. I am a piece of shit to take a girl like this. I know it will screw up her head, making her feel defeated and used. I’m not sure when Isaac will return, so I lean back on the sofa and take my notepad to play around with some lyrics.

Sitting here now thinking back to those moments I am not sure why my mind keeps punishing me with the past. Another time pops instantly into my head and this all flashes back to me like it was yesterday.
I can hear Isaac below and he is loud, really loud. Even when he has sex, everyone around hears his roar. I don’t want to ruin his fun, so I head to grab a cold one. Lately Isaac seems to bring all these chicks back here when he picks them up. I don’t feel like I am alone in the loft of my barn and suddenly that is confirmed as I turn with the beer bottle neck in my grasp I see a girl that caught my eye recently at a show. Oddly enough she is sitting on the chair just watching me move across the floor. How the hell did she get up here? I pass her and say “Hey.” She stands and comes up behind me wrapping her hands over my stomach. I’m confused about what’s going on right now, and I want to peel her arms off of me, but I like the warmth of this embrace. Hell, lately I like the warmth of any embrace. As empty as I am, it’s a little comforting.

Her hands slide up to pinch my nipples definitely getting a response from me. “Mmmm Max,” she moans. As I lean in to grab another beer I ask, “You want to join me?” Her response says she’s up for joining me for more than the beer. I feel her hand slide down into the top of my jeans and her fingers fan along my skin. I put the beer down and I am pulling her hand up and she looks slightly disappointed, “Oh girl I will not disappoint you,” I say as I open my pants and drop them to the ground, inviting her to take what she was after.

All I can see is her long, smooth, dark hair on her head going down on me. I haven’t gotten her name, and I don’t need details. She seems to know why she came here, and I am not challenging that. “Oh, yeah,” I groan out as she has finished me off. I don’t feel like taking care of her now. I want to just close my eyes and sleep. When I sleep I know that nothing can touch me. I hear only music in my head, and I am in the most peaceful state of mind. After pulling my jeans back up, I lie back on the sofa. I’m so tired, I can’t even stay awake long enough to zip them back up.

I open my eyes again and squint to focus. I am still so tired, but I begin to skim over
The Wall
and the photographic memories. I stop and focus on the one girl that totally rocked my world. This is definitely not a memory, I know this is the present and she is my real deal. Madison has opened up the flood gates to feelings, and a direct path to my heart. As I am happily smiling at the thought of her, the barn door opens. Here comes my lovely wife walking toward me carrying some food.

“You have been here for quite some time, I thought for sure you would need something to eat.” I smile back at her still a bit confused. I ask Madison, “Did you happen to see Isaac?”

“Oh you are so funny, Rand. You know he is visiting his family. What did you do? Bump your head or have too many beers?”

“Yeah Madison, I must have. I dozed off but it seemed way too real. I thought I heard his big voice and stomps on the steps. Tell you the truth, that was definitely not a dream I want to ever revisit.” I shook my head to get rid of those previous visions.

“Well, you better rest up because fatherhood, my dear, is going to be quite hectic,” Madison said smiling. Then she took her hand delicately up my arm to my shoulders and rubbed whatever worries I had or previous thoughts away. “And what’s this, were you waiting for me?” Madison asks looking at my unfastened jeans. I smiled at her, “I am always waiting on you my love, always.”

My mind has been crazy lately. I was thinking the past shit coming to revisit me and the future shocking me every moment and I feel like I am traveling my own mind trip. Hell, I’m a man. We don’t talk about insecurities so no way was I mentioning this to my wife. I was thankful that she brought me up some food. I reached out and gave her a quick kiss and then a great smell hit me. Madison always smells terrific, but this time I was smelling the food. It was a grilled steak wrap she prepared for me so I dove into it. She is always taking care of me. I finished it way too soon. “Thank you Love, that was so good,” I smiled with my stomach now content.

“I’m glad Babe, and now let me get you to relax and I can soothe away this tension.” Madison’s voice seemed so comforting to my ears. I could never turn her away or stop her. I heard that pregnancy makes women hornier, so I will definitely be having the time of my life during her nine months. I couldn’t wait to leave for the honeymoon that Maxwell put together for us. I was so relieved that he hadn’t spread our news yet. Madison had not shared it with her own mother. We planned to take her mother and Jake out for a quiet lunch when we came back from our honeymoon and tell them. We figured we didn’t want to jinx any of this great news and wanted a few weeks to ourselves to digest it. We knew they all would be thrilled. I just knew all too well that soon all the baby items would be arriving into our home. I know I am ready for this—I think I am. Hell, I have to be.

I was probably thinking of old shit in my head because being married, and now a father, is a bit overwhelming. So much good stuff is happening in my life so quickly. As Madison begins, the magic of her touch alone excites me. I soon forget why lately I am having all these flashback episodes. “Mmmm, that’s perfect, right there Madison. That feels sooooo good, Love,” I groan. She knows just how to relax the tension from my body. As her fingers work over my shoulders and each tip hits a tender spot, my tension easily melts away. “So Love, I want you to know I’m looking forward to taking care of all of your pregnancy cravings. I hear pregnancy makes women hornier, so I want you to know, I’m right here for you.” I finished with a devilish grin.

“Oh, no more than I have been for you all along.” She turned her head just so I could catch the sincerity of her statement in her eyes.

“Let me start with taking your shirt off so I can see you.” I catch her eyes with that comment and excitement is looking back toward me. I lower my mouth to her flesh and taking her nipple to my lips. I’m holding back to make love to her sweetly and slowly. Her hands rake through my hair rapidly with need as she moans and then Madison pulls away from my mouth that was sucking her luscious breasts. Before I can try to protest or slow down our pace she has positioned herself on top of me and she is rubbing her mound against my jeans eagerly waiting for me to make the next move. I can’t resist her repeated gyrations, I am going to freaking come before I get inside her. Keeping her seated over me I raise my pelvis lifting her up a slight bit and she giggles. I shift my already unzipped pants down and now she can continue her dance on my naked, exposed shaft.

All that is between us is her long skirt that she hiked up in her initial climb on top of me. I take my tense hands and tightly pull up the sides of the fabric until it is close to her smooth thighs. All I know is that I want to find my resting place between those thighs. I slide my free hand underneath her skirt and can feel the warmth that is coming from her. I touch her with just a flick and she quivers and groans. Her head is thrown back and her eyes closed and she is still rocking and moving her pelvis into me, but now with me playing her folds. “Rand, I, oh, I, meant to make you feel…oh, that feels so good.” Madison is getting out of breath. I know it won’t be long, I only have to play with her just a tiny bit more. Oh yeah, she will be breathless in about fifteen seconds… “RAND OH YES, YES, RAND!!!!” In my head I know that was actually just about five seconds, and I’m grateful for that. I know I can’t hold out much longer, and I still haven’t gotten inside her.