My Brother's Famous Bottom Goes Camping (5 page)

I followed him out. I wanted to know what we were going to do with our goat, Rubbish. She needs milking every day and I’m the one who does that.

‘Granny and Lancelot can look after her,’ said Dad. ‘They’ve done it before.’

‘What about the hens?’ I added.

‘I’ll get your mother to talk to Mrs Tugg about that. She’s a reasonable woman – unlike Grumblebum, her husband. The hens don’t need
much attention, and she likes them, apart from Captain Birdseye, but that’s only because he crows in the morning and wakes her up.’

I rang Granny to tell her our news and she was so excited to hear about the camper van that she said she and Lancelot would come round straight away. Sure enough, a few minutes later we heard the familiar roar of their motorbike as they came up the road.

Lancelot pulled off his helmet and whipped the shades from his eyes. ‘Wow!’ he breathed. ‘That is some motor!’

‘It’s got a shower,’ Mum said proudly. ‘But you have to stand in the toilet to use it.’

Granny looked confused. ‘Why do you boil sand for the shower?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ asked Dad.

‘You said you get sand and boil it,’ Granny repeated.

I laughed. I knew what had happened. Granny is a bit deaf at times and she mistakes words.

‘Gran! Gran! Mum said you STAND in the TOILET to use the shower.’

But Granny was still confused. ‘She may very well have said that, Nicholas, but it still doesn’t make sense. Why do you stand in the toilet if you want a shower? If I want a shower at home I stand in the shower, not in the toilet. I think that’s rather horrible. I wouldn’t want to stand in a toilet, it’s most–’

‘YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAND IN THE TOILET!’ Dad suddenly yelled, tearing at his hair. ‘YOU SIT ON THE TOILET! THEN YOU TAKE A SHOWER.’

Granny looked at Dad steadily. ‘You always were a noisy child,’ she told him. ‘And I still don’t see why I should have to sit on the toilet if I want a shower. When I want a shower at home I don’t–’

‘YOU’RE NOT AT HOME. THIS IS A CAMPER VAN!’ Dad howled.

‘Just look at him,’ said Granny, shaking her head. ‘You’d think he was three, wouldn’t you?’ She glanced at the beds, counting them. ‘There’s only room for five to sleep. Where do Lancelot and I go?’

Dad turned red. ‘You’re not coming,’ he said tetchily. ‘I mean, I was just thinking of the family.’

‘But we
are
family. I’m your mother,’ Granny pointed out. She caught my eye and winked at me. She was winding Dad up.

‘I know,’ Dad grumbled. ‘I mean
family
family – Brenda and Nicholas and me and the twins.’

‘And Poop!’ added Cheese.

‘Oh yes, you must take Poop,’ said Granny, quickly.

‘How many more times? We are not taking Poop!’ Dad couldn’t take much more.

Cheese began punching the air with one hand, then the other and he marched round, shouting, ‘Pooper-dooper, sooper-pooper!’

Then Lancelot joined in, tucking his hands under his armpits and flapping his elbows and strutting round the van like a chicken. ‘Prrrarkk! Prrrarrrkk! We’re going camping!’

‘Right, that’s it,’ grumbled Dad.

‘I’ve had enough. I’m taking the camper van back and we’re going to stay at home and twiddle our thumbs and not go anywhere at all.’

Mum slipped an arm round Dad’s waist. ‘Oh, stop being such a misery-guts. Don’t you know when you’re being teased? Your mother’s pulling your leg. Of course she and Lancelot aren’t coming camping with us. They’ll be here, looking after Rubbish.’

Dad’s frown vanished. ‘Oh, right. I’d forgotten about that.’

So there we are, we’re going on a camping holiday and I can’t wait!

We packed most of the van yesterday. It’s got loads of cupboards and places to put things. It’s really clever. The cupboard doors and drawers have special locks on them to stop them opening when we’re driving along. The beds pack down and turn into proper seats. The fridge even has an ice-maker.

We’re going away for a week and I had to choose all the clothes and things I wanted to take. Mum helped Cheese and Tomato. Tomato wanted to take the wheelbarrow for Cecily Sprout but Mum told her it was too big. Then Cheese carried Poop upstairs, put the hen in his bag and did up the zip so that just Poop’s head was sticking out.

‘No,’ said Mum, in her stern voice. Cheese scowled, stuck his hands on his hips and looked defiant for several seconds while he and Mum had a silent staring match. Finally, he unzipped the bag, lifted Poop out and went stamping back downstairs. There was something about the look on his face that made me think we hadn’t seen the last of Poop.

Meanwhile, Tomato was carefully packing her carrot. Cecily was wearing Barbie pyjamas for the journey.

‘I’m sure Cecily is going to love camping,’ smiled Mum.

‘She says she won’t like it if it rains,’ Tomato warned.

‘It won’t rain. It’s going to be lovely and hot. Has Cecily got a swimming costume?’

‘Yes,’ nodded Tomato. ‘She’s got a blue bikini and sunglasses but she mustn’t go in the sun too much in case she burns.’

Mum glanced at me and bit her bottom lip very hard to stop herself from laughing out loud. I guess we were both imagining a carrot with sunglasses, not to mention the bikini.

Dad had packed three suitcases, and that was just for him.

‘What have you put in there?!’ quizzed Mum.

‘Scuba-diving kit, inflatable dinghy, five pairs of trousers, sixteen shirts, eight jumpers, three jackets, ten pairs of shoes, socks, underpants, pyjamas, slippers, toothbrush, books to read and the goat.’ Dad saw the look on Mum’s face. ‘Just
joking about the goat,’ he added quickly.

‘Well, I hope you’re joking about the scuba-diving kit and the dinghy and all those clothes too. We’re only going away for a week. We’re not moving house!’

Dad scratched his head. ‘Do you think it’s too much?’

‘Of course it’s too much. If we put all that in the van there won’t be any room left for people. You are allowed one case only, one small case.’

‘What about the –’ began Dad.

‘Leave it,’ Mum interrupted. ‘If you have to ask you obviously don’t need it. I suggest you take two of everything.’

‘Does that mean two shoes, or two pairs of shoes?’

‘Of course I mean two pairs. Why would you only take one shoe? What’s the point?’

Dad shrugged. ‘I was just asking. Sometimes women say strange things.’

‘That’s probably because sometimes men
do
strange things,’ Mum shot back. ‘Especially in this house. Nicholas, how is your packing going?’ Mum checked through my bag and nodded approvingly. ‘You’d better go and help your father,’ she suggested. ‘Thank heavens you’re sensible.’

I grinned and went to help Dad. What this actually meant was that I stood on the bed and gave him orders while Dad held things up for my inspection. ‘Yes. No. No. No. That’s my old teddy. Why have you got my old teddy?’

Dad turned a deep red. ‘I like it,’ he muttered.

‘You’ll have to leave it behind. No. Yes. No. No. Dad, you’ve shown me your scuba-diving kit three times now and I’ve said “no” each time.’

‘I was hoping you might forget you’d already said “no” and say “yes” instead.’

‘The answer is still “no”,’ I ordered.

‘Spoilsport,’ Dad complained, and so we went on.

Mrs Tugg has agreed to look after the chickens. She said that she’s not going to tell her husband until we’ve actually gone, because otherwise he’ll make a fuss.

‘He’s never been fond of animals since he was a child,’ she confided to Mum. ‘His dad took him to the zoo. He was standing next to the monkey cage while his dad took a photo and a monkey came up and pulled on his trousers and they fell down round his ankles.’

‘Oh dear!’ laughed Mum.

Mrs Tugg was chuckling too. ‘I know! It was
rather embarrassing, of course, but things like that seem to happen to him.’

I didn’t get to bed until late and even then I couldn’t sleep. I was too excited. I have no idea what time it was when I eventually dropped off, but Cheese woke me up in the morning. Or to put it another way, Poop woke me up. She was
squawking loudly because Cheese was trying to stuff her into my bag. He was determined that the hen was going to go camping.

‘You can’t put Poop in there,’ I said. ‘Mum will find out and she’ll be cross. Poop can’t come with us.’

Cheese stood there with Poop tucked under his arm and they both stared at me in silence. Even the hen seemed to be looking daggers at me. Cheese stuck his thumb into his mouth and walked off without a word.