My Misery Muse (3 page)

He just looked at me and then started muttering curses under his breath.  I just watched waiting for his rant to be over. He was always like this, not that I could have blamed him, it’s got to be a pretty big shock to find out you have a son you didn’t know about.

“I don’t know where to start here Dev, I am so mad at you I want to throttle you. I want to go find Chloe and kick her ass,” he said.

“His name is Jackson Seth Porter but we all call him Jaks for short, he’s 2 years old,” I said to answer his previous questions.

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I still couldn’t believe I had a son, a 2 year old son.  I looked at Devi and I could see the truth in her eyes, as well as the protectiveness when she spoke of Jaks.

“You named him after Jacksonville?” I asked.

Devi nodded.

Jacksonville, FL had great memories for us both. One of her family members was getting married down there and I went with her as her date, despite her parents complaints. Devi, Mags, Drake and I drove down in my Chevelle.  It was where we made love the first time. She had turned 17 that day which was the real reason Mags and I joined her and Drake, so we could celebrate her birthday.  Her parents ignored her birthday for the most part, just telling her present was in Dallas, and then spent the rest of the day with various family members.  We took her out to dinner, then tested her new fake ID that Mags had given her for her birthday that year.  Later when we went back to the hotel, Devi and I had gone back to her room where she told me she was ready. I was almost as nervous as she was, we slowly made love that night and had declared our undying love and devotion for each other, and she had named our son after that memory.  I pushed the memory back needing to deal with what was happening now.

“Well, can I meet him, Dev?” I asked, not really planning on taking no for an answer. I also had every intention of talking to Dev more about this but I wanted to meet my son more.

“Yea, come on,” she said and opened the door and walked across the hall.  Standing behind an easel set up in a corner was my son— damn, did that sound strange, my son.  He looked up and saw his mom standing there and smiled.

“See Mommy, like yours,” he said pointing at his arm. That’s when I noticed the pen in his hand and the artwork he drew on himself covering his arms, I bit back a grin at this.

“Wow buddy, that is just like mine, I want you to meet someone Jaks,” she said. “Jaks, this is your dad can you say hi?”

He looked up at me and then scooted closer to Dev, and it felt like a vise around my heart, that he didn’t know who I was.  I kneeled down so I was eye level with him and said, “Hi Jaks, how are you?”  I didn’t know what to say or do; I was completely lost looking into eyes that were so eerily similar to my own.

Jaks took a step away from Dev and looked at me and gave me a timid smile, “Hi,” he whispered.

“Jaks and I are about to get out of here, do you want to come back to our place for dinner, Seth?” Devi asked.

I looked up at her, and I could see the sincerity in her gaze along with fear.  I stood up and shook my head one more time, I still couldn’t believe this was happening and I still didn’t know what to do or think about it all.

“Yea, I would like that,” I said.

I watched as Devi got all of Jaks stuff together then took it from her so she could grab Jaks and followed her out to her car.  I put the bag in the passenger seat while she got Jaks strapped into his car seat.  As I shut the door, she was just finishing and I got a great look at her ass— man, I had missed her.

“Uhm, my car is around front, I’ll follow you,” I said.

“Ok, do you want me to drop you off at your car, or meet you around front?”  she asked.

“I’ll just walk around, see you in a few,” I said then loped off.

A few minutes later I was in my car following Devi, trying to figure out what just happened.  I had more questions than I did answers. Why didn’t she continue to try and tell me? Why did no one else tell me? How did Chloe get my phone and why did she lie to Devi? Well ok, so I knew the answer to the last question.  She’d been delusional telling everyone who would listen that she was my fiancée when in reality, she was our ex band managers sister, and one of the biggest reasons he’s now our ex-manager. 

Devi pulled into a driveway and I parked in front on the street, when I got out I got my first good look at a small house, with the front windows painted in eclectic designs.   The house screamed Devi; it fit her to a T.  She walked up the steps to the small porch and unlocked the door, Jaks took off inside and she followed leaving the door open for me.  I walked into a smallish sized living room that had no space left on the walls, everywhere there was a piece of art, a poster, or photograph.  A deep burgundy couch took up one wall, it looked comfortable and inviting, also a couple of mix matched chairs were situated around the large ottoman in the middle of the living room.  In the corner was a box filled with toys almost to the point of spilling out.

I started looking at the photographs hung on the walls, and found one of a baby boy dressed in a Ramones onesie and his black hair gelled into spikes. The others circling the room were all of Jaks, some of just him, some of him and Devi, and others of Jaks, Devi and random people, mostly Drake and Cris. The ones with Cris were the hardest to look at. What was the story behind Devi and Cris, were they together, did he come in and fill the roll I should have for my son?  I knew I had to get answers. I also knew I would not walk away from my son now that I knew about him or from Devi ever again.

I walked in the room and found Seth looking at the photos of Jaks on the wall; I couldn’t help myself from watching him, his graceful movements and how well he filled out a pair of jeans.  God, I still loved this man; I’ve been in love with him for as long as I could remember.  We were both young and dumb when we got involved. Me being a whole 16 years old thinking I knew everything and him being a 19 year old punk getting into trouble with my brother.  I still remember first time I met him, he was 15 and starting a garage band with my brother Drake. I had a crush on him from the beginning, and he treated me differently from Drake’s other friends.  He didn’t see me as the annoying little sister of his friend, I was 12 years old and he treated me as an equal listening to what I said, which was a first for me.  He was the first person who actually encouraged my love of art. We spent hours discussing art and music, while my brother and the rest of their friends sat in front of the TV playing video games, getting stoned.  I shook myself out of the past and made myself focus on the here and now, and the here and now included a 2 year old little boy that was my life. I needed to figure out how to deal with Seth’s reemergence into our life.

“Dinner’s ready, Jaks is already at the table,” I said.  He looked over his shoulder and gave me that lopsided grin and my heart stopped for a second.  I cleared my throat and said, “Come on this way,” and turned back towards my small kitchen where Jaks was sitting in his booster seat playing with his food.

“When did you learn to cook?” he asked while sitting at my small scarred kitchen table.

“I can’t cook much, but Jaks and I have to eat, so I am slowly learning, “ I responded then made a plate for myself.  The truth was I could only make a handful of meals but the beef stir fry I threw together was one of my favorites.  I watched Seth dig into his food with a gusto he always took to life; it was always one of my favorite things about him.  He seemed to savor everything life had to offer as if it would be the last, but then from what I knew about his childhood that made sense. He always said that everyone’s life is hard no matter their background and refused to let it get to him though. 

We ate in silence for a while, Jaks talking enough for both of us.  He talked about school and playing with his friends, needing minimal response from us to keeps the story going, every now and then looking at Seth curiously.  When dinner was finished, I went to work on our normal evening routine, giving Jaks a bath, getting his pj’s on all under Seth’s watchful eye.  I could tell he had lots to say but he seemed resigned to hold it in until we were alone.  After Jaks was dressed in pj’s he plopped on the floor with his cars and I sat down beside him taking the car I was offered and we started crashing them into each other.  Jaks looked over at Seth who was sitting a foot or so away watching, with a longing look in his eye, Jaks grabbed another car and held it out to Seth and gave him his own lopsided smile.  With that Seth joined us crashing cars and asking Jaks about them and about the other things he likes to do. 

“Jaks, what’s your favorite toy?”  Seth asked him.

Jaks got up and walked over to his box of toys and pulled out a plastic Thomas the train guitar, which he loved to play with, and make different train, sounds with.  Seth looked at me, his eyes bright with pleasure at what his son pulled out.

“My choo choo tar,” responded Jaks and with that he played for us, the familiar theme of Thomas interrupted with different train whistles and chugging interspersed as Jaks hit different buttons.

Shortly later it was time for Jaks to go to bed, so I snatched him up and carried him to his room, laid him down in his toddler bed and sat down beside him.  I pulled out his favorite book from the book case beside his bed and glanced up and found Seth’s eyes trained on me.  I read Jaks
Goodnight, Moon
, kissed him on the forehead and finished tucking him in.  On my way out of the room I turned on the small lamp on his dresser then turned out the overhead light.

“Wub you Mommy, nigh Daddy,” Jaks said then turned over and cuddled tighter into his favorite stuffed elephant.

I had to blink away the tears, while looking at my son’s form curled in his bed.  I brushed past Seth out the door without looking at him, I was scared what I would see in his expression, not sure what I wanted to see there.

I walked back into the living room, a few minutes later Seth joined me, he went back to facing away from me looking at the pictures of Jaks.

“I have a journal I’ve kept all about him with a lot more pictures, if you’re interested in seeing it,”  I said.

Still not looking at me, “I’d like that,” was all he said.

I sat on the couch looking at his back for I don’t know how long neither of us speaking, the only sound in the room was our breathing.  After a few minutes Seth turned and looked at me.

“I should have known, you should have told me,” he said.

“I know,” was all I could say. “If it makes it any easier, I talk about you with him, he’s even got a picture of you in his room.”

His jaw clenched, “No that doesn’t make this easier, you told our son about me, but never bothered to let me in on the secret.”

“I tried…” I started.

“So you’ve already said Devi, it’s just a lot to take in.  Were you ever going to let me know?  God, how have you kept this hidden?  Why didn’t anyone from here tell me?”

I knew why no one told him, and I am sure he did too, Drake was so angry,
is
angry at him that no one even thought about telling Seth.

“I was going to tell you Seth.  I tried over and over the past 3 years. First I couldn’t get ahold of you, then the ways I did have to reach you no longer worked.  I could have had someone else tell you but I thought you deserved to hear it from me, and as to why no one told you, you know the answer to that question as well as I do.”

“I always thought it was strange that Drake never called, not just me but any of the guys, and if we tried calling him no one ever answered.”

“Drake was angry, at first he threatened to tell you himself if I didn’t. I tried numerous times, hell even he tried calling to have you call me so I could tell you, then the last time I called, when he found out what that girl said to me, he went ballistic,” I said.  “After that no one would dare tell you, they were all scared of what Drake would do.”

“I can’t blame him for being pissed, hell, I would have been too, but that girl, Chloe,” he spit out her name, “she was nothing to me, never was, she was Eric our old manager’s sister. She followed us around, me more specifically, and started a lot of rumors about the two of us but I swear to you,  nothing ever happened between us.  We ended up letting Eric go, we told him to keep his sister away from us. But he didn’t and one night I walked into my apartment and found her naked in my bed, which was the last straw, the next day we let him go.”

I shrugged, nothing much I could do with that info now. “I’m sorry she made your life difficult,” I said trying to push down the wave of jealousy that always came up when Chloe’s name was brought up.