My Woman His Wife Saga (18 page)

What had I become? I just knew I had everything on lock, but somehow I messed up along the way. I was supposed to be a part of a happy family. Jasmine, her children, and I were supposed to be filling the space under my roof. I had succeeded in getting pregnant, so James was no longer an issue. For the life of me I just couldn't put my finger on where I had messed up.

And that damn Sheila! Lord knew I didn't want to talk about her. She said her plan was foolproof. Why in the hell did I listen to her? I mean, what woman wouldn't be mad if she walked into a threesome on her kitchen table? I was surprised Jasmine didn't cut us all up into little pieces. I honestly think the only thing that saved us were the kids being in the house.

I wanted to call James to see if he had a number for Jasmine, but I knew he wouldn't cooperate. I had to find a way to get around things and get back into his good graces. Maybe now that Jasmine wasn't an issue, he and I could hook up. Shit, who was I kidding? That man wanted me dead and his unborn child with me. If only I could just get him to listen to reason . . .

I had a doctor's appointment the following Monday, and I was hoping she'd tell me something good. I've tried carrying before, and it didn't work out, so I was hoping this pregnancy would be followed all the way through and the baby would be born healthy. I was also wondering if she could tell me about the nightmares I'd been having. I thought all of that had stopped once I got out of my uncle's hellhole, which was cleverly disguised as a house. My head pounded just thinking about it, and I couldn't even take anything because I was knocked up.

Well, one thing I could say was that I'd never been a quitter. I hoped if I could just talk to Jasmine she'd see things my way. As I looked at myself through my mirror, I hoped what I saw was still appealing to her.

I would wonder about Jasmine on a daily basis and although I wasn't physically with her, that didn't stop me from being connected to Jasmine and being
with
her in my mind. In fact, on almost a nightly basis I would masturbate while fantasizing about being with Jasmine.

My routine and my fantasy was pretty predictable. Each night I would begin by lighting my candle and placing my favorite song, “Reunion,” on repeat before making myself comfortable in my bed. “Reunion” was the first song I heard as I watched Jasmine and James dance on the night we met. The very night I fell in love with her.

I started out with my little silver bullet like always. I lifted my legs up and back so that my knees touched my ears, and my pelvis pointed toward the ceiling. In a slow circle, I started with the vibrating tool on low and traced my erect clit in small circles. The closer I got to my orgasm the more I increased the speed of the bullet, every so often dipping it into the puddle of juice that was quickly collecting at my opening. By the time I reached my climax my body would be shaking from the currents of pleasure running through my body.

I would imagine my tongue was Jasmine's as I placed my nipples into my mouth and fingered my clit until the shaking subsided enough for me to grab Hector, my ten-inch, hot pink dildo from the table. I always started out with slow strokes so I could tighten my pussy muscles around the shaft, making it almost difficult to pull it out. I would close my eyes, picture Jasmine's naked body in my mind, and start fucking myself harder and faster pretending I was doing it to Jazz until I squirted my love juice all over my sheets.

To finish it off I grabbed the Jackrabbit, a beaded vibrator that had a rotating head and beads that jumped around on the inside, causing all kinds of havoc. On the outside the little bunny ears rested on your clit, and once turned on, they squeezed and vibrated on your clit in conjunction with the inside action, causing my damn head to spin.

By the end of the night I was thoroughly fucked, but missing Jazz even more. I knew I couldn't have her to myself, but if I could just get her one last time . . .

“Mommy! Mommy!” my four-year-old twins screamed at me in unison while shaking my sleeping body. It felt like I had just fallen asleep, my eyes dry as a bone from all the tears I'd shed. It'd been about three-and-a-half months since the catastrophe at my house, and I still couldn't seem to get it together.

“Don't y'all see Mommy is trying to sleep?” I asked as I reluctantly opened my eyes to acknowledge them. My daughter gave her brother an “I told you so” look as she brushed her long braids away from her face.

“Mommy, are we going to see Daddy today?” my son asked, oblivious to the stares both his sister and I were giving him. I felt so bad because they had been asking me that same question every day since we came to my brother Dave's house.

It was killing me on the inside because they were too young to understand. It wasn't that I was keeping them away from James, but if I saw him at that time I may have ended up behind bars. Although he could have called to check on them himself, he made no moves to see about their well-being, and that pissed me off. For the first three weeks he called every day, pleading with my brother to get me on the phone. My brother said he was going to stay out of it, but I knew he wanted to go hurt James for the pain he had caused his little sister.

“Let Mommy get herself together, and I'll let you know in a bit, okay?” I said to them as I swung my legs around to the side of the bed so I could get up. I'd been feeling nauseous all week and the light-headedness was a bit much. I didn't even want to entertain the thought of being pregnant again. Not then anyway.

“Okay, Mommy,” my twins said in unison before kissing me on my cheeks and walking away.

I sat there on the side of the bed for a second trying to figure out my approach. I wasn't ready to see James yet, but our kids were having a hard time dealing with the separation. Well, Jalil was. Jaden just seemed to go with the flow. She was the stronger one. I contemplated what I would say as I reached over and picked up the receiver. Dialing the number was painful as I thought about what had happened under that roof, but I had to do it for my children. I slowed my breathing as my heart pumped at top speed in my chest. I maintained my cool when I heard his voice. James answered on the third ring.

“Hello?” James's voice sounded a millions miles away to my ears. The man I loved with all of my heart and soul, the man who had hurt me the most.

“Hey, James, it's me,” I said into the receiver. I could hear his breathing quicken at the surprise of hearing me through the other line.

“Jasmine, baby, I'm so sorry,” he began, his voice sounding like he was holding back tears. I was struggling with my own tears as I finished with the call, making it as quick as possible.

“I was calling to see what you were doing this afternoon. The kids have been asking for you a lot. Maybe we can stop by.” I kept it cool although I wanted to curse his ass out for doing me the way he did.

“Sure, please do. I miss all of you so much. Can we talk when you get here, please?”

“Only if we're talking about the kids, James. I'm not ready to relive that horror right now.”

“Jazz, please don't be like this. I made a mistake, baby. Just give me a chance to redeem myself, please,” James begged from the other end of the phone connection. He started sounding hysterical and a part of me really didn't give a damn. I wanted him to suffer. We definitely needed to talk, but I was not in the mood.

“James, right now I just want to bring the kids by to see you. We can talk when they're not around. Now is not the time.”

“Jazz, listen to me. I want you to bring the kids, but is it possible you can get your brother to watch them tonight? Jazz, please, I can't live like this anymore.”

“You should have thought about that when . . .” I couldn't even finish the thought. Pointing the finger at him would be pointing three back at me. I had to admit that I fell for Monica's bullshit, but I wasn't ready to take the blame yet. We had both messed up, but he got caught.

“Jazz, please just think about it. You can bring the kids now if you want, but I need you to come back tonight. I'm begging you, please give us a chance at starting over. I can't breathe without you and my kids.”

“James,” I began, letting out a long sigh in an attempt to keep my tears in check. We did need to air out our dirty laundry, so why was I procrastinating? “I'll be there in about an hour. I have to get the kids washed and dressed, okay?”

“Can we talk tonight, Jazz? Please?”

“I'll be there in an hour, James.” I hung up before he could say anything else.

This was going to kill me, but I had to face him. I missed him so much and I didn't want our kids to suffer because of our problems, but I couldn't seem to get up the nerve to make things right. He had hurt me terribly. As I pulled out clothes for us to wear, thoughts ran through my head a mile a minute. There was so much I wanted to discuss, and I contemplated leaving the kids so we could say what we had to say, but I knew they wouldn't let me leave the house without having a fit.

I washed myself, then them, and got all of us ready. We piled into the jeep, leaving a note for my brother on the fridge. Making the trek across town from Mount Airy to Wyncote felt a lot longer than the half hour it was. The block seemed a mile longer than it did when I was under that roof. I blasted my Tupac CD all the way to the front door, keeping my head up just as the rapper suggested.

Before I was even out the car, James was out the house and unbuckling Jaden from her car seat. I avoided eye contact as I unstrapped Jalil and placed him on the ground so he could give his Daddy a hug. James looked like he was close to tears as he hugged our kids close to him, their little arms barely fitting around his neck. I stood back, taking in the scene and wondered why our family couldn't always be as perfect as it seemed at that moment.

We finally made eye contact, but I looked away first, keeping my tears in check as I walked around him and went into the house. As soon as I stepped in, it felt like all the oxygen had left the room as flashes of that night raced through my mind. I could still smell the food I purchased that night. Shaking off the dreary feeling, I removed my jacket, then turned to remove Jaden's. Jalil was already out of his and back in James's arms.

I wanted to have a seat, but I felt restless. I wanted to jump on his damn neck and bash his head in for being stupid enough to get caught. I too was guilty of playing on Monica's field, but damn. Why did it have to end this way? I knew she wanted me for herself, and at one point in time I was considering it, but in reality there was no way possible I would have left James to be with her. I'd been loving him for too long.

Before I had a chance to sit, James pulled me into the kitchen. That was the last place I wanted to be. That bitch was parked on my kitchen table like she had a right to be there. This meeting was going way too fast, and I was ready to take my kids and make a hasty retreat. Entering the kitchen I was pleasantly surprised to see that the table had been replaced. Ten cool points for James for making this a little easier. This gesture didn't make me forget the events that happened here, but at least we didn't have to endure the pain of dining on the same set that they used to have their freak fest. But at the same time I knew that I was one to talk because I had fucked two guys right upstairs in our bedroom. But, hey, at least I was smart enough to not get caught!

There was a spread fit to feed ten people. Our feast was set up as if we were at a picnic. All of us took our normal seats while James served us before taking his food. I didn't want to look at him, but I did notice he was looking mighty tasty in his crisp, white wife-beater and button-down shirt. His body looked more buff in his jeans, making my panties wet just thinking about the power underneath. He sported a fresh cut, his goatee and side burns lined perfectly. The smell of his Cool Water cologne was driving me crazy, but I chilled. It wasn't that kind of party.

We ate in silence . . . well, I did. James kept up a lively conversation with the kids as they gave him blow by blow of the weeks spent at their uncle's house. I sat in silence and let him have his time with them. Every time I looked up I could feel his eyes on me, but I pretended it didn't bother me. He wanted to see his kids, and I had granted him his request. I didn't want it to be said that I was trying to keep them away from him.

Jalil chatted away; he was so happy to see his dad. Jaden looked occupied by her own thoughts, playing more with her food than actually eating it. I wondered if my baby girl felt what was going on between her parents. She was definitely a daddy's girl, but lately she'd been kind of withdrawn.

We finished up and went to sit on the back patio so the kids could play on the swings and seesaw we had built to match their clubhouse. The neighbor's children were outside, so they were too happy to see their friends. I sat on the lounge chair opposite James so I could have a good view of the kids. They looked so happy and carefree as they raced up and down the slide and around the yard. I remembered similar days and longed for life to be that simple again.

For a while James stayed in his seat across from me, staring directly at me. I knew he wanted to talk, but I wouldn't be the one to initiate the conversation. I honestly didn't want to talk about it with the kids there, just in case I wanted to use a few choice words to get my point across. At the same time I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms and make the pain go away. I wanted to be a family again.

James got up and sat next to me, draping his arm across my shoulder, my head finding a place to rest on his shoulder out of habit. Nothing made sense to me at that moment. I still wanted to be mad at him for what happened, but I loved him so much I honestly couldn't stay upset forever. It felt good being in his arms, his chin resting on top of my head, his breathing like a lullaby. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of my man, wrapping my arms around his waist in comfort.

“Jazz, I'm so sorry things ended up this way,” James began as we cuddled on the patio. My eyes remained closed as I listened to his words. His voice sounded deeper with my head pressed against his chest.

“James, can we talk about this later?” I wanted to talk, but I knew right then wouldn't be a good time.

I wanted to enjoy the moment before it got tense again. He breathed a long sigh, and his grip tightened around me. I held on to him like my life depended on it as I watched the kids play, so innocent at that age. Jaden was the bossy one and Jalil was a natural born leader. I smiled on the inside at what I was able to bring into the world. As hectic as my life had been lately, when I looked at our children they reminded me that peace still existed on this twisted planet we call home.

James put his finger under my chin, lifting my face up to meet his. At first I thought he was going to kiss me, and I wouldn't have resisted. To my surprise he just stared at me, tears threatening to fall from his pretty brown eyes. I wanted to put his soul at ease and let him know everything was okay, but we both knew it wasn't.

“Jazz, I know I messed up, baby. Just know that I love you more than life itself and I'll do whatever I have to do to make this right. I know you don't want to talk right now and I respect that. I just want you to know that I need you in my life. I need my children, and I need us to be a family again. I love you, Jazz, I really do. Can we please just work this out? I feel like I'm suffocating.”

Our tears dropped simultaneously when he leaned his head down to kiss my lips. I could feel the electricity pass through my body into his as our tongues explored familiar territory. For a second I forgot how crazy everything was as I kissed my husband, the man I swore to love through sickness and health until death parted us. The man I bore children for, the love of my life.

As our kiss ended I knew that it was almost time to come back home to our house and live as a family again, but we had so much to talk about first. The closet was now wide open and skeletons were practically sprinting out of it and dancing on Broad Street. It was time for us to do some soul searching and come clean. Myself included.

For the next couple of hours we just sat and held each other, engrossed in our own thoughts. It wasn't until the sky turned burnt orange, indicating the end of another day, that I gathered the kids up so we could leave. They had a fit as we put them into the jeep. They did not want to leave their father. There were too many things left unsaid, too much hurt. James kissed the kids good night, then walked around to the driver's side where I was standing.

We embraced for what felt like an eternity, neither of us wanting to let go. We kissed one last time before I got into my jeep to leave. He leaned into the window to kiss me again. I pulled away, my tears making me see double for a second.

“Mommy, I miss Daddy. Will we be going back home soon?” Jalil asked as he and his sister yawned, trying to fight sleep. Their time in the yard had exhausted their little bodies.

“I miss Daddy too, baby. But don't worry, we'll be home soon enough.”

That answer must have been good enough for both of them as we continued our ride back to my brother's house, but as I listened to the Quiet Storm on the radio, my thoughts wandered to a happier time in my life when everything felt like it was perfect. I wanted to be there again, but things had to be smoothed out first. It was going to take some time for us to completely heal and bounce back. We had to learn how to trust again, and that might be our biggest hump to get over.

I let the melody from the radio take me back to a time when I had no doubts. Now doubt was all over me like a second skin. I wanted to know so much, but in a way I didn't. Crazy thoughts ran rampant through my head all the way back to my temporary home. I wanted my life back, and was determined to get it, no matter what.