Naw Much of a Talker (3 page)

Uli tells me tae shut the fuck up but. His auld man knows folk furra reason. It’s naw as if ah owe him anythin. It’s piss-easy fur him. He’s got contacts. Enjoys brokerin
stuff, ah know whit like he is. He likes tae help. Ahv tae think aboot it.

Ahm like that: Okay, Uli, okay. Okay, if ah get a minute, ah’ll think aboot it. An’ if ah need anythin, ah’ll gi’e ye a buzz.

Ah opened the windae tae let some air in an’ asked whit else he’d oan. Hid he the motor wi him? We kid take a run o’er tae Melchnau, see if Edith wis in, play dice furra bit,
or summit. She’d be pleased tae see us.

He’s like that: naw, mate, he needed tae be goin, needed tae make sure he got some stuff.

That’s exactly whit ah mean. Whit ahv been sayin the hale time. Ye cannae dae anythin fuckin normal when yir oan them. Cannae jist say: of course, let’s go here, or there, take a
bite tae eat wi us, a wee bottle ae rid an’ make an evenin of it, cook summit nice an’ chat a bit, boot the auld days or whitivver, an’ jist be guid tae oorsels. Ye can nivver
jist think: cool, it’s fun bein thegither, watchin a film, or playin dice, or pickin up the guitar an’ singin a Bob Dylan or Hannes Wader song, or summit else that makes ye feel that
nice sad way. Naw, ye can dae nane ae that cos ye hiv tae chase yir fuckin flash. It’s true. Admit it.

Trip tae Melchnau didnae happen anyhoo.

Ah wis sorry ah spoke. An’ Uli took himsel off.

Say hi tae Marta an’ get tae the fuckin doctor, ah cawed eftir him. He didnae hear me but. Wis awready on the ither side ae the railway crossin.

Ah tidied the kitchen an’ checked the envelope. Five thoosan. The hale loat at wance. Looked guid, it did, aw in hunners, wey it shid be. Thanks, Uli, ah thought an’ went doon intae
the village tae buy summit tae eat, cleanin stuff fur the toilet an’ a few bottles ae wine, good stuff, tae be oan the safe side.

An’ naw, ah dont want the money-off coupons. An’ you hiv a nice evenin an’ aw. An’ thank you an’ aw, Frau Zürcher. Thank you, ah’ll pass it oan. Course
ah’ll mind tae. An’ thank you very much. Bye noo. Thanks a lot.

Followin Wednesday, ah get an early mornin phone call fae some insurance company cunt. Wakes me at nine. Fuckin great. Contents an’ third-party liability or summit,
widnae mind droppin by, tae gi’e me a quote, nae strings attached.

Did ah ivver fuckin ask furra quote? Hi, hello, the some-cunt said, I understand you require a quote? Ahv nae memory ae it, sorry. Ah think ahd know but. Ah know who ahv requested whit fae.
An’ whit’s mair: it wisnae his fault exactly, but ah wisnae feelin very well right at this minute.

He apologised an’ hung up. Guid. Okay. Naw that it matters. Ah apologise an’ aw. Nae idea why ah reacted so aggressively.

Truth ae the matter wis ah kid hiv gone tae Cobbles right noo, furra read ae the paper an’ tae see wis Regula workin. Ah didnae go. An’ ahm naw goney eether.
There’s nae point. Regula’s thegither wi Buddy an’ Buddy’s thegither wi her an’ the two o them ur gettin oan great, presumably, an’ there’s nae part fur me
in this soppy fuckin film they’re in. Ah’ll make masel look ridiculous jist if ah try tae get aff wi her, her practically merrit an’ aw.

Mibbe but, ah kid jist gi’e it a go. Mibbe she’s been sick tae the back teeth ae this Buddy guy fur ages awready, him an’ his souped-up Toyota fuckin Celica, his rotten taste
in music an’ that stupit fuckin face ae his. If that
wis
the case, it disnae mean ah shid be the wan tae draw it tae her attention but. Naw. If she’s goney tell Buddy tae get
tae fuck, it his tae be her idea. That wid be the best wey. Fur me, anyhoo.

Ah walked the full length ae ma pad, up an’ doon, up an’ doon, fur hawf a fuckin eternity. The nerves, fuckit, ma nerves. Ah jist got even mair nervous in jail. Ma nerves ur ma weak
point. Bein nervous is the pits. Ye can smoke as much as ye fuckin want, if yir nerves ur really gettin tae ye but, nae cigarette an’ nae joint oan this earth is goney help ye.

Whit time is it? Eftir hawf nine. Fucksake. Ah need tae find a joab once an’ fur aw. Need tae look at the Advertiser, check oot the joab adverts. Where’d ah pit it? They’ve the
Advertiser at Cobbles an’ aw. They dae coffee at Cobbles. Ahd feel better at Cobbles.

Check this oot, Regula, me headin fur Cobbles, ten minutes ah need – door-tae-door – fae ma place tae Cobbles, anither two jist noo. Listen, Regula, it’s got nowt tae dae wi
you, it really hisnae. Naw, it’s jist the Advertiser ah want. Look at me. Ahm Goalie, the guy makin a new start. When ye see me comin intae Cobbles, aw ye need tae think is: aha, he’s
lookin furra joab an’ comin in here tae read the Advertiser. It’s naw the before-Goalie. Naw, it’s the eftir-yin. He’s changed. He’s Paul oan the way tae Damascus.
He’s fell aff his hoarse an’ his eyes hiv opened. It’s naw cause ae me he’s in. It’s naw some dodgy deal that’s brought him. He disnae want tae borrow money.
It’s jist a coffee he wants an’ the Advertiser, a decent joab a-s-a-p an’ that’s it: nowt else like.

Mornin, ivrywan.

Mornin, Goalie.

That’s Paule, the postie. He sits there ivry day fur nearly an hour oan his break. The ithers dont say hello tae the cunt unless they hiv tae. Eh, excuse me, guys, when is it ye hiv tae?
When, if naw when some cunt comes in an’ says hi tae ivrywan? Fuckin: miserable old fogeys – aw ye get in this dump. Fuckit. Ah lift an Advertiser. Pesche’s the only wan servin.
Pesche’s the boss. He owns Cobbles. A coffee wi cream but nae cream but, please, Pesche, an’ an almond croissant. Is Regula naw workin theday?

Naw until the eftirnoon, how?

Ahm ah naw allowed tae ask or whit, Pesche?

Ah didnae say anythin, did ah? Ah jist said she isnae in till the eftirnoon.

Aye, but kid ye naw mibbe say it mair normally like. Friendly, like.

Whit’s up wi ye, Goalie? Wis the wey ah said it naw normal enough or whit? Ur ye noo comin intae ma pub tae tell me how tae speak, how tae tell folk who’s here an’ who isnae?
If ah wur you, ahd cool it a bit, Goalie. Specially wi your record.

Sorry, mate. Yir right. Got oota the wrang side ae the bed this mornin. Sorry. Ahm sorry, ah am. Kin ye gi’e me change fur the cigarette machine?

It’s aye a bit touch-and-go wi Pesche. He’s often in a bad mood, he is. If you turn up in a bad mood but, he can be fuckin venomous. Right fae the aff. Disnae take much. An’
that’s the last fuckin thing ah need: a fight in Cobbles. So ah gi’e it: thanks, Pesche, thanks, can ah pay right away, it’s fine like that, naw ah mean it, keep the change,
thanks, mate, an’ ahm sorry, okay?

There ye go. A coffee wi cream wi’oot any cream. We’re ootae croissants but. Enjoy.

Aw right, they’re ootae croissants, right, right. Folk must be fuckin ravenous in this dump.

Ah am: ahm an idiot. Ah shouldnae hiv come here. There’s nowt in the Advertiser eether. Nuthin suitable anyhoo. Mibbe ah should fuck off, back tae ma auld joab. Or fuck off awthegither,
exactly, mibbe ah should jist fuck off some place else, some place where nae cunt knows me.

That right, Goalie? It true ye wur in the Joke? (It’s Paule again, the postie.)

How long hiv ye been oan yir break awready, Paule? Ye shid pay up an’ go. Itherwise it’ll be you that’s daein time fur in-yir-face fuckin laziness an’ askin stupid
questions. Ye widnae be the first. An’ mibbe, while ye wur in there, ye kid take oan the post, the jail mailman, it’s a popular position. Ye’d need tae get yir rear in fuckin gear
fur that wan but.

A few cunts ur laughin now. They dont say hi – gi’e them summit tae laugh at but an’ they’ll rise tae the bait. Ah shoulda kept ma gob shut. The postie’s naw a bad
cunt really. Naw any worse than aw the other dicks in here anyhow. An’ the truth ae the matter is: it’s aye a mistake tae give folk that hivnae a fuckin clue summit tae laugh at. Ah
feel sorry fur the postie, fur masel, ah feel sorry fur masel, the situation, me needin tae use a sad bastard like the postie tae show ahv still got whit it takes upstairs.

Hardly in the door ah am, an’ Uli’s faither’s oan the phone.

Hello, Mr Sutter.

How ahm ah, Sutter asks.

Fine thanks, ah say, yirsel?

Fine as well, thanks.

An’ then, eftir the two of us hidnae said nuthin furra minute, he says he’d heard ahd been through a rough patch.

Aye, true, it wisnae easy. Things ur oan the up again but. An’ thanks, by the way, the flat’s jist-the-joab. Really: jist-the-joab it is.

Dont mention it. He’d heard an’ aw ah wis oan the lookoot fur summit. An’ he’d summit fur me. Maag’s. The print shop. Deliveries. Wis jist temporary. Fur aboot six
months. Staunin in fur someone else. It wis a joab but. Ahd a drivin license, hadnt ah? Or hadnt ah? He kid gi’e me the number tae caw.

Thanks, ah’ll think aboot it. How long did ye say it wis fur?

Six months. Ask them yirsel but. Six months, ah think it is.

Thanks.

It’s nuthin.

Then anither wee silence. An’ then – this hid tae come, hadnt it – wan ae they embarrassed coughs an’ then: ur ye still in touch wi oor Uli?

Noo an’ then, aye.

Ahm worried aboot him, ye see.

Really?

He’s changed. An’ ahv the feelin it’s gettin worse. He’s hardly any friends any mair an’ only contacts us when he’s needin money. Recently but, he’s naw
been lookin fur money even.

Hmm.

It wid be guid if ivry noo an’ again ye kid go oot wi him or summit. Faur as ah know, you an’ Marta ur the only friends he his left. Why dont ye arrange summit. Dae him guid, it
wid.

Ah’ll see. Thanks again fur the joab.

Ah dont fuckin get him, Uli’s faither. Seems tae think ahd be guid company fur his fucked-up boy – an’ he’s serious an’ aw. Okay, compared tae the
bunch ae milkboys he hings aroon wi the rest ae the time, ahm mibbe naw sae bad. Aw jist a matter o perspective. Fuckit.

It’s true we grew up thegither, Uli an’ me. Lochfeld Primary, the wee ones. The pit o’er in Hüseli. Hofwald. The moon landin. Then the Seventies. An auld record player
doon in the basement. At first, fur LP’s wi fairytales oan them. Soon enough, fur rock ‘n’ roll. Status Quo. Then the Hendrix an’ Joplin stuff the boy next door’s big
brother brought back fae Zurich. A few posters: pictures ae part-time rockers wi long hair. An’ a gallery full ae the gods ae black ‘n’ white telly. David Cassidy, Günter
Netzer an’ the 1974 World Cup when he wis jist a sub, Netzer. Uli wis aye the captain when we played fitba against the Itais fae the gasworks. Course, ye wurnae supposed tae say Itai, we said
it but anyhow when we wur oan oor tod. Ah wis scared ae a few ae them cos they’d bum-fluff oan their faces awready an’ kid look at ye dead serious. Ah kidnae hiv said it at the time, ah
felt but: it wis as if they despised us cos we’d hardly ivver tae fight fur fuck-aw. Cos we wur Swiss, so: spoilt an’ weak-as-fuck. An’ anyhoo, the Itais spoke Italian tae each
ither an’ ye nivver knew whit they wur oan aboot. It wisnae always easy, as ah say. Whenivver we played fitba but, ah forgot tae be afraid. A gemme’s a gemme. Nae cunt needs tae shite
himsel.

So okay. Ahm thinkin aboot it. Thinkin aboot oor childhood an’ thinkin aboot oor young days an’ ah dont stop thinkin. Me an’ Uli, played fitba thegither, grew up thegither,
started smokin thegither, experimented, started the drugs thegither. Okay. Right. Ah think aboot it a bit mair an’ there’s wan thing ahm sure aboot: nane ae yir fuckin crap, Goalie,
pull yirsel thegither, noo’s naw the time fur the wrong mistake. Run yirsel a hot bath, read a book, smoke a cigarette, make a cuppa, do whitivver ye want, jist nane ae yir fuckin crap.

Know whit, the fuckin stuff kin be ootae yir system long since – physically, ah mean – but it’s still up in yir nut but still, it’s aye in yir nut.

Be that as it may. Ah go tae the print shop, tae Maag’s, an’ say at Reception ahv heard they’re lookin fur someone tae dae the deliveries. The woman at
Reception tells me tae wait. Ah wait. Wan ae they guys comes oot, aboot fifty or summit, someone ahv nivver seen before, doubt he’s fae here. Looks a bit like a lower-doon boss, naw a big-big
boss anyhoo, mair like wan fae hawf-way up, cos ae whit he’s wearin, cheap shirt, cheap tie an’ stuff, aw a bit pseudo. Looks like his wife picks stuff ootae her stupit catalogue fur
him – ivry couple ae years.

His name’s such-an’-such an’ ahv tae take a seat. Sayin that, ahd awready parked ma arse. Mibbe he wis bein ironic. Cos ah hidnae stood up when he held his haun oot.

Ah introduced masel, said Uli’s faither hid tellt me etc etc.

Looks at me, he dis, asks hiv ah any references. Course: ah hivnae, naw tae haun over there an’ then anyhoo. Tellt him he kid caw Mr Sutter, Uli’s faither. Wis him gave me the
nod.

Wis ah unemployed at the moment?

At the minute, aye. Ah hidnae been fur long but.

Hid ah a valid drivin license?

Course, aye. – An’ ah put ma papers oan the table.

Hid ah ivver done deliveries afore?

Course ah hid. A holiday joab, it wis. Furra textile place. Mair than once. Ah knew whit the score wis, pretty much.

Good, he says, ivrythin in order fae his point-of-view, start on Monday, five ay-em oan the dot. An’ dont forget tae bring proof ae a pension scheme etc. The first day someone wid go oot
wi me, that wey ye get tae know wan anither. He’d show me how things ur done. Eftir that, ah wis on ma tod.

An’ whit’ll ma salary be? ah asked.

He hesitated furra minute an’ ah kid see he hidnae gi’en it any thought. Then he rummaged aroon in his papers a bit an’ then, eftir a few seconds, went: such an’ such an
amount per hour. Overtime wid be 25 percent mair. An’ aye, cos ye startit so early, ye kid knock off at hawf wan an’ still hiv the good ae the eftirnoon. That wis wan ae the advantages:
hivin the hale eftirnoon, nearly, aff. Specially fur someone who done a loatae sport, fur instance. Did ah dae a loatae sport?

Jist a bit, mair like.

That wis a pity cos sport wis guid fur exercise, an’ naw jist physically. He himsel hid always done exercise, aw his life. An’ he kid assure me the exercise hid done him a loatae
good, really a loat.

Ah goes like that: Great, ah’ll be seein ye then.