Never Been Ready (31 page)

"Yes! I'm going back to work! I start back this fall," she said excitedly.

Clare, in her former life —before Ethan had become sick and it had become too hard to take care of him and work at the same time —had been a high school history teacher.

"That's great! Is Logan excited?" I asked.

"Yes, it was his idea. He knew I was lonely in the house now that Maddie is in school. My mom will have to pick her up from school since the high school runs a bit later than her elementary school, but I will still be able to be here with her in the late afternoons. I honestly can't wait to get back into teaching."

"That's great. And hey, think of all the teenage boys who will have crushes on you! That will be a boost to the ego when you hit the big three-oh," I joked.

She threw a napkin at my face, and we continued to talk until Declan came over, announcing dinner.

"I cooked a mean steak, snickerdoodle. You have to try it."

"Nope."

"Nope to the steak or the pet name?"

"The pet name. It's awful. Call me that again, and I swear to God I will tell Clare right here in front of all our family and friends what your favorite movie is," I threatened.

His eyes widened.

"He told you?" Clare exclaimed, knowing all about my long, arduous ploy to get Declan to tell me his favorite movie.

It had taken months, but I'd finally gotten him to break down.

"Oh yeah, and it's good. Not something he'd want to share with his man buddies over there," I said, pointing to Logan and Colin.

Colin had his arm slung around his wife as he just laughed, and Logan gave me a goofy grin. They really, really wanted to know.

"What are you talking about?" Connor asked, coming from the playground with Maddie in tow.

"Declan's favorite movie," I answered, giving Declan a sly grin.

"Oh, you mean that movie,
The Notebook
?" Connor said.

Seconds after he'd said it, the backyard exploded. Logan and Colin doubled over in deep masculine laughter. Declan cursed, and all the women in the vicinity gave a collective sigh. I found it sexy that he loved that movie. It was seriously romantic...but for a dude, it wasn't a typical movie to love.

"Can't. Fucking. Breathe," Logan bellowed, clutching his side, before letting loose a string of jokes that addressed Declan's masculinity or the lack thereof that had the entire backyard in an uproar.
I had to admit, it was pretty damn funny.

"I'm going to get you back for this, Matthews," Declan promised.

"Uh-huh, are you sure you can? I mean, don't you have a pedicure to go to or something? And besides, I really don't think I have anything that can top that, but I'd love to see you try."

"Oh, really?" Clare challenged. "I believe there's a frilly apron in there you love to use when cooking. Should I go get it and share?"

Logan went white, and it was Declan's turn to laugh.

"You use an apron, dude?" Declan chuckled.

"It keeps my clothes clean! And it's Clare's! I just use it because it's the only one we have." Logan pouted, making him look ridiculously handsome in a boyish way.

The entire time this was going on, Connor stood next to me, watching with a big grin on his face. Three months ago, if he'd said something like that and this had all happened, he would have run out of the room, worried that he'd ruined the party with his slip-up. But today, he was relaxed, and he understood we teased in good fun.

We all sat down at the picnic table after piling our plates full of food. Connor sat in between Declan and me.

Declan gave him a little nudge. "Last time I tell you anything, Little Man."

Connor giggled as Declan tried to pinch his side.

"I didn't know it was a secret!" Connor laughed again.

"Just remind me of this day when we meet your first girlfriend. I'll be sure to return the favor with something equally embarrassing," Declan said.

~Declan~

Dinner was finished, and I went wandering through the house in search of Connor. I hadn't seen him since we sat down to eat, and then he'd run off with Maddie to play again. I loved these visits I had with him —except for the end when I had to give him back. I hated that part. It reminded me of the fucked-up situation I was in —the fact that I still couldn't tell him who I was, the fact that my son was being raised by someone else, and the fact that he still thought of me as nothing more than a close family friend. I was basically the family equivalent to an uncle.

I understood Sarah and Devin's reluctance. I did. I was just impatient. Connor had made such strides in the last few months. Every obstacle he'd faced, he had overcome. It hadn't been easy.

There had been days he'd spent with us where he would still cry and ask, "Why? Why her?"

I couldn't answer that for him. I didn't know why his mother had been taken so early in his life. Despite our falling-out, Heather had been a good person. I knew she'd made mistakes, and I hated that I couldn't get the first seven years of Connor's life back.
Did I wish things were different though? Hell yes.
If I could take his pain away, even at the cost of not knowing him, I would do it in an instant.

I found Maddie and Connor in the hallway downstairs, looking at old photos. There were photos of Clare and Logan, baby pictures of Maddie, and a few of Ethan, Clare's late husband. I thought it was cool of Logan to honor Ethan's memory. I wasn't so sure I'd be as accommodating as Logan was, but then again, I wasn't in his situation, so I guessed I'd never know. We all did what we had to do to love the person we were meant for, and Logan was doing just that.  "That's my other Daddy. He's in heaven," I heard Maddie say to Connor.

I hung back, ducking into one of the spare bedrooms, curious to see their interaction.

"My mommy is in heaven, too," Connor said.

"Maybe they're friends!" Maddie suggested brightly, bringing a slight smile to Connor's face.

"Maybe. That would be cool. Was your Daddy nice?"

"He was really nice. He used to surf and take me to the beach when I was a baby."

"My mom liked the beach, too, so maybe they are surfing together in heaven."

"On pink waves!"

"Why would the waves be pink?" Connor asked.

"Because it's heaven. Duh," Maddie said.

I had to suppress a chuckle.

"Hey, look at this picture. That boy looks just like you!" Maddie said, pointing to a picture on the opposite wall.

I could just barely make it out. It was one I hadn't seen in a long time. It must have just been added to the wall. It was an old photograph of Logan and me from grade school. We had our arms around each other's shoulders in a boyish embrace, and we gave goofy smiles while looking at the camera.

"It does kinda. Who's the other boy?" Connor asked.

"I think that's my Daddy, Logan."

I heard Clare call for Maddie from the kitchen. Maddie had left a mess in the living room, and she was being told to clean it up. Maddie took off in a run, leaving Connor in the hallway. He stood frozen, staring at the photo of Logan and me.

"You know, we hated each other back then," I said, walking up next to him.

"That's you?"

"Yep. Logan and I go way back. We grew up together. Our fathers were close friends, and they figured their boys should be, too. Problem was, I hated Logan. He was annoying and pretentious."

"What does pretentious mean?"

"Stuck up."

"Oh, like Tyler at school. He says his dad is rich, and his room is filled with Iron Man toys."

"Yeah, exactly. Annoying, right?"

He nodded, slipping his hands into the pockets of his khakis shorts.

I continued, "So, we were forced to spend a lot of time together. We'd play nice whenever our fathers were around, which is how we ended up with pictures like this." I pointed to the frame on the wall, "But when their backs were turned, we'd be on each other in a second. Fists would fly, and we'd go home bruised and battered, both lying that we fell down or got a bit rough while wrestling."

Connor stared quietly at the picture a few moments longer, and then he looked back at me. I could see his wheels turning. Maddie was right. The Declan in that picture was a spitting image of the boy standing next to me. It would be hard to miss, and my son wasn't stupid. He'd already begun to ask questions here and there. He'd asked one day after a walk in the park if I knew who his Dad was. Another time while we were out for ice cream, he asked about his mom's friends, trying to find the missing link. I couldn't lie to him, so I'd always changed the subject. I would not tell him any more lies.

"You know last month, when it was my birthday and Sarah and Leah got me that cake that looked like a stack of pancakes?"

"Mmhmm, that was awesome."

Sarah and Leah had gone to a fancy bakery in Williamsburg and had it custom made. It was a new twist on an old tradition. Heather had made him pancakes on his birthday. We had made him a pancake birthday cake. It was a perfect melding of the old and new. It had been Leah's idea, and when she'd told me, I had fallen in love with her all over again. She never ceased to amaze me.

"And remember how I blew out the candle and made a wish?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what I wished for?"

"For your mom to come back?"

"No," he answered, "I know that's not going to happen."

I was a little sad, but I was also proud of him for saying this. I was sad because he had to realize this at a young age, but I was so proud that he was finally able to come to terms with his mom's death.

"Well then, what did you wish for, Little Man?" I asked, looking down at his eyes that perfectly matched mine.

"I wished for my dad."

Words failed me. I forgot how to breathe.

He looked at that photo on the wall and then back at me. His eyes were so full of hope. "Declan, are you my dad?"

I just nodded and knelt down to catch him as he jumped into my arms. I held him tight, and tears stung my eyes as I finally was able to hold him as his father.

"I knew it. I knew you were my dad," he just kept saying over and over.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know," I answered back.

We clung to each other in the empty hallway, crying until there were no tears left. We held each other for as long as we could as if making up for every hug we'd missed over the last eight years of his life —every milestone, birthday wish, and accomplishment I'd never get back because I hadn't been there.

But never again.

I never wanted him to wonder where his father was or ask why his dad didn't care enough to there for him. Saying good-bye to him after our visits was becoming more and more difficult, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand being a visitor in his life. Now that he knew who I was, I didn't want to say good-bye. I shouldn't have to. He was mine to protect, and it was time I started doing that full-time.

I looked up then to see Leah standing in the hall. Her stunned tear-stained eyes were watching over us as she witnessed our emotional introduction. She stayed back, allowing us a moment as father and son. She gave me a loving smile and mouthed the words,
I love you.

While holding my son finally, I realized I needed to step up and become the father he needed of me. It made me feel driven, but it also scared the living shit out of me. Clutching him as I gazed into the eyes of the woman I loved, I wondered if my decision would be the one thing that could tear us apart.

~Leah~

"Now, tell me the reason we just watched that movie?" Declan asked as he rose from the couch to carry our empty mugs and soda cans into the kitchen.

He might have made fun of me for eating ice cream out of a coffee mug, but ever since he'd moved in, it was the only way he would eat it. I'd successfully converted him.

"Because it was an action movie. Guys like action movies, right?" I asked innocently.

"You know I like watching all sorts of movies, even romances. I'm not a typical guy when it comes to films. Everything else, yes," he said with a impish grin, "but films, no."

"I don't know. I just wanted something a bit different," I answered sweetly as I joined him in the kitchen, dumping the soda cans into the recycling bin.

"Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that it starred Chris Hemsworth, would it?" he asked, leaning against the counter, which made his biceps flex against the fabric of his T-shirt.

"No. No, that had nothing to do with it," I answered, suddenly forgetting what we were talking about altogether as I stared at his rippling biceps.

He slowly made his way to me and captured me between his arms against the kitchen counter.

"Good, because if you ever, ever need a man to do something with a hammer, just let me know."

I couldn't help it. I snorted against his shoulder, laughter escaping me. "Oh God, that was awful. Worse than the last pet name you thought up."

"Precious?"

"Yes!"

"I liked that one. It was endearing. What's wrong with precious?" he asked.