Never Been Ready (27 page)

One in particular caught his eye, and he hesitated a bit before picking it up.

It had
Mom
written across the front, and on the inside, it simply said,
I miss you
, in messy little boy handwriting.

Declan stared at the words for a moment, rubbing his thumb over them, before placing the note back exactly where it had stood earlier.

"I don't know how to do this," he said. "I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. It's just you and me, Declan. Say whatever you want or say nothing at all."

"I'm just so...I'm just so angry with her. Eight years, Leah. Eight years went by, and she couldn't have picked up the phone and bothered to mention that I had a fucking son?" His voice turned harsh, and I could hear the raw hurt.

Something had been taken away from him, and he had no one to blame, no one to be angry with, except for a headstone.

"I wanted so desperately to ask Sarah if I could see a photo of him just to see what he looked like. But then I thought,
What if they say no? What if I never get to meet him?
Then, I'd have an image of him for the rest of my life, and nothing to go with it. Nothing. Just a ghost of what could have been if Heather had just chosen to do the right thing."

I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. He fell back into me, and we sat down on the dirt together, me cradling him as he let go. All the pent-up anger and tense disposition he'd been holding on to gave way, and he sobbed. He turned in my arms, so he could bury himself into me as he released everything he'd bottled up.

I could do nothing but stroke his hair and be there for him. When women cried, they wailed and moaned. Hearing a man cry was agonizing. When men cried, it was ugly and raw. It was guttural and visceral, like someone was ripping them into two. It was like they were both fighting and giving in to the emotion all at once.

He clung to me like his life depended on it, gripping the fabric of my coat so hard that his fingers were turning white.

"Do you think I'm ready to be a father?" he asked when his tears had finally dried up and his breathing had slowed.

"I think you are one whether you are ready or not," I answered.

"Never in a million years would I ever be ready for something like this."

"I think you can do anything," I said against his ear.

"Let's go home, babe," he said, giving me a ghost of a smile.

We made our way back to the car, hand in hand, wandering silently down the path.

"You know, you really suck at pet names," I said suddenly.

"What? What's wrong with babe?"

"It's totally unoriginal."

"Well, I guess I'll have to work on that then, honey buns."

"Nope, try again."

"Sweet bottom?"

"No!"

He laughed, and it was the first laugh I'd heard in what felt like years. It was like music to my ears. He threw an arm over my shoulder as we walked.

He kissed my head. "Thank you," he whispered.

I didn't ask why. I knew he meant for this, for the last two days, for being in that hospital that night. As hard as this discovery was, I had known he needed to know, and I knew he would be better because of it.

~Declan~

Five long agonizing days —that was how long I had to wait for a phone call back from Sarah. I'd gone back to sucking at work, and I was once again known as the diva asshat on set. I'd fucked up my lines and cussed out a PA for getting in my way. I was a disaster.

Patience was not my thing. I hated waiting for anything. By day three, I was pacing the floors like a fucking psycho. By day four, I was convinced Sarah had brushed me off and would never contact me. Leah had done her best to prove to me that Sarah and Devin were just taking their time, and it would all happen eventually, but I was a pessimist to the core, and I'd already convinced myself of the worst.

When the call actually came in, I was on break at work. I answered the call on the first ring, seeing Sarah's name show up on my phone.

"Sarah?" I answered.

"Hey, Declan," she began.

Her tone was even —not energetic, not sympathetic. I didn't know what to think.

Was it good news or bad? Give me a damn clue!

I got up from my seat at the small table in my trailer, and I started to pace, only to realize I couldn't pace in there unless I counted walking two steps and turning around to go back and do it all over again.

I headed out the door, opting for someplace less confined. If she were about to tell me no, I needed some damn fresh air and someplace to scream.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm all right, a bit anxious. I really want to see him, Sarah." I tried leveling with her. I was sick of pussyfooting around the subject.

"I know, and that is why we have agreed."

"What? You have?" I let out the breath I'd been holding for the last five days. I finally felt like my lungs were functioning again.

"Yes, but we have some requirements first, Declan."

"Anything, Sarah. Anything."

"First, we believe it's a good idea that, initially, Connor be introduced to you as a friend of Heather's. We're afraid introducing you as his father might overload him."

"Okay, I agree with that as long as you understand that he will eventually know me for who I really am."

She sighed before saying, "Yes, I understand that, Declan. We aren't trying to keep you from him. I only tried to do what Heather had wanted. I know it was wrong, but she was my best friend, and now, I'm trying to make it right. Having him here with us...we're doing the best we can, but it's difficult."

"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brow in concern.

"When Heather asked us if we would agree to take Connor if anything were to ever happen to her, we agreed wholeheartedly. We had just gotten married, and we didn't have any kids of our own. We never once believed that anything would ever happen. When it did, our lives were very different. We have a baby, and now, all of a sudden, we have a very angry and sad seven-year-old. He is having a hard time with finding a place in our family. As much as I love him, he needs something more than me. I'm willing to admit that. If that is you and you can give him what he so desperately needs right now, then I am more than willing to open up our home to allow that to happen. But just know that I am taking a risk here. We are not going to social services. We didn't hire a lawyer. This is between us —as friends."

"I understand. Is there anything else?"

"Yes, one more thing —your girlfriend. How close are you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"Connor is in a fragile state right now. We don't want to introduce anyone into his life who might not be there in a few months. We don't want him to form attachments to people who aren't committed to being in his life for the long haul. He's already suffered a major loss, and I can't stand to see him lose anyone else."

"Leah and I are together for life. You have nothing to worry about," I said without hesitation.

"I'm happy for you, Declan. You deserve happiness. I've been worried about you for years. It's good to see you finally in a good place."

"Thank you, Sarah," I answered as I paced back and forth between the trees lining the film's location for today.

"So, when do I get to see him?" I asked.

"Does tomorrow sound good?"

"It sounds perfect, Sarah. Thanks."

In less than a day, I was going to meet my son.

~Leah~

"Seriously Declan, stop fidgeting," I said, for the fourth time. He'd been a mess ever since he'd come saying Sarah and Devin had given permission for the visit. One minute he was excited, super pumped and happy, dancing with me across the room and laughing. The next he was a ball of nerves, scared out of his mind. We'd already made three separate trips to the store so he could pick up a gift for Connor. The second trip was because he thought the first gift was too small and it needed to be bigger, so we exchanged it for something larger. As soon as we got home, we had to turn around because the gift was suddenly too large and he didn't want to look like he was trying to hard, so after three tries we were back to the original gift.

I tried to explain to him that he didn't need a gift, but he was insistent. I think he was afraid he wouldn't have anything to talk about and at least the toy would be an ice breaker.

"Hot Shot, you're going to be great," I encouraged as we drove down the interstate once again, making our way back to Williamsburg. Sarah and Devin had given us the entire afternoon with Connor. We had four hours with him alone. We asked if they were sure, and they said yes. They thought it would be better for Connor to get to know us without them around, and they trusted us with him.

I was humbled by their generosity. I know what they must have gone through the last few months couldn't have been easy. Becoming parents for the first time, and then becoming parents again to a broken seven year old. I remember what I was like when my mom left and at times it seemed like no amount of love would ever be enough to replace the void left in my heart. A mother's love is irreplaceable, and to lose it so suddenly, and so young...there are no words to describe what that does to a child.

"Do you think he'll remember you?" Declan asked.

"I honestly don't know. We spent such a short time together. I hope so," I said, smiling softly. I'd thought about Connor quite a bit over the last few months, not realizing who he was or what he would come to mean to my life. He'd left his mark on my heart because I'd felt for him, being a child who'd lost someone at a young age. I don't know if that was reciprocated. His life had just been turned upside down that night, and in retrospect, that entire night could be a complete blur.

Pulling into the familiar driveway, Declan put the car in park and we made our way to the front door. Sarah opened the door just as I went to ring the doorbell and we all said our hellos as she invited us in. Just inside the front door was a tall, regal looking man with gray framing his face glasses that made him look very scholarly. It fit the professor stereotype I'd had brewing in my head ever since Sarah told us he taught History at the College of William and Mary.

"Hi, I'm Devin," he said, offering his hand to Declan first, before turning to me.

We all finished our introductions and made our way to the living room. Declan took a look around, and I know he was looking for Connor.

"We thought we'd talk to you for a moment privately before we brought Connor in, if you don't mind," Devin said.

"Absolutely not. Like I told Sarah, we're willing to do whatever is necessary to make this work. I spent the last seven years unaware of his existence. The only thing I want right now is to know him." He weaved his fingers in mine as sat down across from Sarah and Devin in the living room.

"As Sarah told you, Connor's had a bit of a rough time since Heather died. No one blames him for this. It's normal and necessary, I think. He's grieving, and I know with all the other changes in his life, it will take time for him to adjust. We're doing everything we can, but he's still in so much pain."

"And he will be, forever. It will never go away," I chimed in, suddenly embarrassed by my outburst.

"Sounds like you're coming from experience Leah?" Sarah said.

"Yes and no. My mother left me when I was seven. So the loss I can relate to. The circumstances are different, but the loss similar and I can tell you it never goes away. It's a festering hole that never completely heals. You can find ways to cope...ways to move on, but it will always be there. A dull ache in your side that reminds you of the immense loss."

"How can we help him then?" she asked quietly.

"Honestly? Just be there for him. When I was growing up, the one thing I wanted, begged God for every night was a parent who would just hold me at night while I cried. Pretty soon the pain will dull and he'll be able to wake up in the morning and her face won't be the very first thing he thinks about, maybe the second or the third...and eventually he will be able to go on with life. But until then, all you can do is let him talk when he needs to and hold him when he'll let you."

Declan squeezed my hand in silent support and leaned down to kiss my cheek. As he did, he whispered ever so softly, "I love you" in my ear. My sexy bad boy who wore leather and whispered sweet endearments in my ear. He really was my perfect match.

After that, we went over a few housekeeping things about Connor. He was allergic to peanuts and hated fish. So seafood was out. He also had a serious movie obsession, and loved reading. Declan's ears perked up at the mention of movie obsession, wanting to know what types.

"Um, all sorts really. He loves old black and white films, campy eighties movies, and anything with Ironman of course."

Declan laughed, and shook his head like he couldn't quite believe he had something in common with his child. Just wait until he saw him.

"Well, Declan...are you ready?"

He glanced at me and I gave me a small encouraging smile. "Yes, we're ready."