New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (12 page)

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BILL MAHER
H

NEW RULES

Hair Apparent

NEW RULE

Dye your moustache to match your toupee. You’re the new U.S. ambassador to the UN, not manager of the month at Baskin-Robbins.

Hajj-Podge

NEW RULE

Update the Hajj. Every year, the words “Islamic” and “stampede” seem to appear in the same sentence when millions of Muslims descend upon Mecca to observe what’s called the Hajj. I don’t understand Arabs: You’ve got most of the oil in the world, and your religion involves walking? Next year, I want to see a looser Hajj with a cooler name, like Allahpalooza.

Hallowed Grounds

NEW RULE

Stop telling me not to talk to you until you’ve had your coffee, you pathetic junkie. In fact, I’ll make a deal with you: I won’t talk to you
before
you’ve had your coffee if you won’t talk to me
after
you’ve had your coffee.

Handicrapped

NEW RULE

If you’re blind, you don’t have to pick up your guide dog’s poop. In California, a blind couple went to court over complaints that they didn’t. You see, they would have, but they can’t see shit!

Have It Yahweh

NEW RULE

God is a waffler. Pat Robertson said God told him that Iraq would be a bloody disaster. But the same God told George Bush it wouldn’t, which so surprised Robertson, he almost dropped the pennies he was stealing off a dead woman’s eyes. But why is God talking out of two sides of his mouth? Flip-flop. God told us to beat our swords into plowshares. God: Wrong on defense, wrong for America.

Heir Head

NEW RULE

You can’t be famous for nothing. Paris Hilton can’t be in the papers anymore unless she kills someone, marries J.Lo, or OD’s. Also, her head is too small and she only has one facial expression.

I know that’s not a rule, but someone has to say it.

AND NEW RULE

If most of the pictures on your camera phone are of yourself, you need to develop some outside interests. Someone hacked into Paris Hilton’s cell phone and discovered that all of her pictures are of herself. It’s almost like she’s an idiot. That kind of self-love isn’t healthy. Lindsey Lohan loves booze, but even she occasionally buys a round for the house.

Hin-Don’t

NEW RULE

McDonald’s and yoga don’t mix. McDonald’s has a new ad that features a sinewy woman in yoga poses. And you can tell she’s just eaten McDonald’s because after she gets in the lotus position, she farts. Stop trying to convince me you’re not the place that almost killed Morgan Spurlock. If I want to eat healthy, I’ll go to a place that serves actual food.

Suture Self

NEW RULE

S
top saying that blue state people are “out of touch” with the values and morals of the red states. I’m not out of touch with them; I just don’t share them. In fact—and I know this is about 140 years late—but to the southern states I would say, upon further consideration, you can go. I know that’s what you always wanted, and we’ve reconsidered, so go ahead. And take Texas with you. You know what they say: If at first you don’t secede, try, try again. Give my regards to President Charlie Daniels.
Sorry, I almost forgot—we’re in a time of healing. The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. Spice Rack? Meet Gun Rack. Picky about Bottled Water? Say hello to Drinks from a Garden Hose. Bought an Antique Nightstand at an Estate Sale? Meet Uses a Giant Wooden Spool He Stole from the Phone Company as a Coffee Table.
Sorry, there I go again—kidding, when I should be healing. But sometimes I just don’t understand this country. I don’t get that your air is poison and your job is gone and your son is scattered all over a desert you can’t find on a map, but what really matters is boys kissing.
Say what you will about the Republicans, they do stand for something. Okay, it’s Armageddon, but it’s something. Democrats, on the other hand, have been coasting for years on Tom Daschle’s charisma, but that’s just not enough anymore. Democrats will never win another election in America if they keep trying to siphon off votes from the Republicans. They’ll only win by creating a lot more Democrats, and you don’t do that by trying to leach on to issues that you should be denouncing. You wind up in a goose-hunting outfit a week before the election, trying to appeal to guys who would sooner vote for the goose.
These folks aren’t undecideds; they’re not in play. No, what the Democrats need are fresh, new ideas that are stupid, base, and hateful enough to win voters over. I dunno, like: no drinking on Christmas. Or a constitutional amendment protecting the song “God Bless America.” The death penalty for missing Mother’s Day. Let’s put a fetus on the dollar bill—with Reagan! You know what country has been asking for an ass kicking in the worst way? Wales.
Yes, Democrats need a really, really, really stupid, meaningless, and utterly symbolic issue. And by “issue,” of course, I mean “thing to hate.” How about this: an amendment that says people with fish don’t have the right to call themselves pet owners. Pet owning will be legally interpreted only as owning a cat or a dog. My opponent may disagree, but that’s because he’s a fag.
So, Democrats and Liberals, stop saying you’re going to move out of the country because Bush won. Real Liberals should be
pledging to stay
because Bush won. Trust me, you can’t get away from Bush by moving to France—that’s where we’re invading next.

Historical Blindness

NEW RULE

Not everything is a conspiracy. Black History Month is in February because Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass were born in February, not because it’s the shortest month. Here’s the deal: You accept this on faith, and we’ll pretend you didn’t completely make up Kwanzaa.

Holy Matrimony

NEW RULE

Priests should be allowed to marry. What better way to ensure celibacy?

Holy Spirit

NEW RULE

The government doesn’t have time to worry about cheerleaders. The Texas senate just passed a law against “overtly sexual” cheerleading. This is a horrible law. For one thing, how do these people think we train our next generation of strippers? I’m sorry, but the only time anyone in government should be spending time on cheerleaders is when his wife is away and he’s actually on a cheerleader.

Home Chopping Network

NEW RULE

Beheading hostages has jumped the shark. Come on, guys, you’ve seen one blurry home video of a guy in an orange jumpsuit begging for his life, you’ve seen them all. You’ve got to come up with a new twist, like one of the hostages is gay but the others don’t know it, or the hostages compete for immunity ... something. By the same token, Donald Trump has to start firing people by sawing off their heads.

Homicidal Namiacs

NEW RULE

No more serial killers with initials for nicknames, like the “bind, torture, kill” killer, BTK. It’ll just encourage copycats, like “BLT,” who kills you and then has a nice sandwich. Or “KFC,” who kills you and then places your body parts in a bucket. Or “ADD,” who starts killing you but then loses interest. Or “LBJ,” who kills you while holding you up by the ears. Or RSVP, who plans to kill you, but then calls and says he can’t make it ...

Hooked on Ebonics