New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (12 page)

Suture Self

 

NEW RULE

 

S
top saying that blue state people are “out of touch” with the values and morals of the red states. I’m not out of touch with them; I just don’t share them. In fact—and I know this is about 140 years late—but to the southern states I would say, upon further consideration, you can go. I know that’s what you always wanted, and we’ve reconsidered, so go ahead. And take Texas with you. You know what they say: If at first you don’t secede, try, try again. Give my regards to President Charlie Daniels.

Sorry, I almost forgot—we’re in a time of healing. The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. Spice Rack? Meet Gun Rack. Picky about Bottled Water? Say hello to Drinks from a Garden Hose. Bought an Antique Nightstand at an Estate Sale? Meet Uses a Giant Wooden Spool He Stole from the Phone Company as a Coffee Table.

Sorry, there I go again—kidding, when I should be healing. But sometimes I just don’t understand this country. I don’t get that your air is poison and your job is gone and your son is scattered all over a desert you can’t find on a map, but what really matters is boys kissing.

Say what you will about the Republicans, they do stand for something. Okay, it’s Armageddon, but it’s something. Democrats, on the other hand, have been coasting for years on Tom Daschle’s charisma, but that’s just not enough anymore. Democrats will never win another election in America if they keep trying to siphon off votes from the Republicans. They’ll only win by creating a lot more Democrats, and you don’t do that by trying to leach on to issues that you should be denouncing. You wind up in a goose-hunting outfit a week before the election, trying to appeal to guys who would sooner vote for the goose.

These folks aren’t undecideds; they’re not in play. No, what the Democrats need are fresh, new ideas that are stupid, base, and hateful enough to win voters over. I dunno, like: no drinking on Christmas. Or a constitutional amendment protecting the song “God Bless America.” The death penalty for missing Mother’s Day. Let’s put a fetus on the dollar bill—with Reagan! You know what country has been asking for an ass kicking in the worst way? Wales.

Yes, Democrats need a really, really, really stupid, meaningless, and utterly symbolic issue. And by “issue,” of course, I mean “thing to hate.” How about this: an amendment that says people with fish don’t have the right to call themselves pet owners. Pet owning will be legally interpreted only as owning a cat or a dog. My opponent may disagree, but that’s because he’s a fag.

So, Democrats and Liberals, stop saying you’re going to move out of the country because Bush won. Real Liberals should be
pledging to stay
because Bush won. Trust me, you can’t get away from Bush by moving to France—that’s where we’re invading next.