New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (9 page)

BOOK: New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer

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And Queen Elizabeth, your son has been waiting so long to be king, even his mistress is a senior citizen. Queen for 50-plus years, it’s a good run—second only to
Cats.
But now it’s time to kick off those royal slippers, smell the English roses, and spend some time with those Nazi grandkids.

I don’t understand America. We work until we have strokes, then after we die, our estates are fought over, and we’re turned into Soylent Green and eaten.

You know who knows how to live? Titans of industry: Ray Kroc, Colonel Sanders, Dave from Wendy’s—none of them spent their golden years tied to a desk. They all died of heart disease from eating their own food.

In conclusion, there’s a reason that names like Cary Grant, Joe DiMaggio, and Johnny Carson inspire a special kind of awe: They all did something that made them more beloved than anyone else—they left before we got sick of them. They didn’t make us all pretend to yawn to get them to leave the party. They looked around, as all of us will someday, and said, I’ve done my part, I’ve said my piece, and I’m finally deaf enough to stand being home all day with my spouse.

BILL MAHER
F

NEW RULES

Face Reality

NEW RULE

Stop being shocked when reality TV contestants turn out to be wife beaters, drug addicts, shoplifters, and porn stars. They’re letting us marry them to strangers and make them eat eel shit. They don’t have the gene for shame—that’s why they’re on reality shows.

Faking the Band

NEW RULE

No playing guitar and harmonica at the same time. Yes, I know it’s possible, but it always sounds like shit, and you look like an idiot doing it. If you must have both playing at the same time, hire another musician. How much can a harmonica player cost? Wearing a harmonica harness is only acceptable if you make a living performing in the subway, and you have cymbals strapped to your knees.

Fantastic Bore

NEW RULE

Let’s make at least every second American movie not based on a comic book. How many of you knew the film
Sideways
was actually based on a comic book called
The Tedious Adventures of Drunk Man and Horny?
If we keep making superhero movies, the rest of the world is going to start seeing America as some kind of infantile fantasyland where reality is whatever we say it is and all our problems can be solved with violence.

Faux Paw

NEW RULE

Don’t make people who hate you hug you. Whatever the Bush administration is blackmailing John McCain with, stop.

Fashion Police

NEW RULE

Give arrested celebrities a chance to comb before their mug shots are taken! Not allowing fallen icons to wash up gives the impression that they’re, well, washed up.

And we’d hate for that to happen.

Felonious Monks

NEW RULE

If you’re bringing birthday cake to a chimp, bring enough for everyone. An L.A. man visiting a chimpanzee in a wildlife sanctuary was mauled by the other chimps when he didn’t bring any cake for them. The man’s face was partially peeled off and his nose was completely detached. And, in this town, that kind of work costs good money.

Femoirs

NEW RULE

You don’t get a million dollars just for being gay. Remember Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary? The one John Kerry mentioned was a lesbian and the Republicans pretended to get irate? Well, she got a million dollar advance to write her “memoirs.” Memoirs? Chapter One: “My Dad’s Vice President.” Chapter Two: “I Like Pussy.” The End.

Film Boff

NEW RULE

Let the drive-in movie die. The popcorn is always stale, the sound is always crappy, and the picture is always blurry. It’s 2005—teens no longer have to drive onto a hillside and park in formation to get a hand job.

Flat Tax

NEW RULE

I don’t care how big or flat it is, it’s still just a TV. Congratulations—you just paid $10,000 to watch
Hogan’s Heroes.

Floral Sex

NEW RULE

“Valentine’s Day Sex” is an urban legend. Every Valentine’s Day ad is the same pitch: Buy her the roses and candy, and you’ll get the “Valentine’s Day Sex.” Unfortunately, lust, over time, is just like the roses and the candy—wilting and growing stale. The last time a guy actually got sex for chocolate was when we liberated France.

Folk Off