New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (13 page)

Chicken Hawk Down

 

NEW RULE

 

T
he people in America who were most in favor of the Iraq war must go there and fight it. The army missed its recruiting goal by 42 percent a few months ago—more people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. We’ve done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs... warm bodies.

A Baptist Minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well—if we’re
that
certain these days that George Bush is always
that
right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader’s vision would seem the least one could do.

Hey, if it makes it any easier, just think of it as a reality show.
Fear Factor. Shitting Your Pants Edition. Survivor: Sunni Triangle.
Or maybe a video game: Grand Theft Allah.

I know, you’re thinking, “But Bill, I already do my part with the ’Support Our Troops’ magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe—how much more can one man give?”

Here’s an intriguing economic indicator: It’s been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don’t they sign up for Iraq duty? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?

That goes for everybody who helped sell this war—you gotta go first. Brooks and Dunn? Drop your cocks and grab your socks. Ann Coulter: Darling, trust me, you will love the army. You think
you
make up stuff? Curt Schilling? Bye-bye. You ended the curse on Boston? Good. Let’s try your luck on Fallujah. Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother has to go, too, so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag.

But mostly, we have to send Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears, because Britney once said: “... we should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.”

Somebody has to die for that. Hell, Britney’s already knocked up, so that’ll save the guards at Abu Ghraib about 10 minutes. And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline’s face and fills his low-hanging trousers with duty.

In summation, you can’t advocate for something you wouldn’t do yourself. For example, I’m for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I’m for legalizing marijuana, so I smoke a ton of it. And I’m for gay marriage, which is why—oh well, you get the point.