New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (6 page)

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Authors: Bill Maher

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As no one could tell you better than our president himself, we don’t all blossom early in life, so maybe writing off so many kids so early isn’t so wise. It might amuse the President to know that this is exactly what they do in his favorite country, France, but France has more of a social safety net than we do. Our safety net has a name. It’s called prison.
People say education is the cornerstone of our democracy—they’re wrong, of course. The cornerstone of our democracy is campaign cash and lots of it. But shouldn’t education still count for something? As the president himself might say, “We can do gooder.”
BILL MAHER
C
 
NEW RULES
 
C3 Pee-Yew
 
NEW RULE
 
You can stop releasing
Star Wars
now. We’ve seen it. I don’t care if it’s in a box set, if it’s remastered or redigitized, if there are bonus scenes or a director’s commentary; it’s still a space movie for guys who can’t get laid.
Call Hating
 
NEW RULE
 
Ass-kissing must be done in person. Yes, I’ll “continue to hold” but not because you said, “Your call is important to us.” If my call was really important to you, you’d hire a human to pick up the damn phone.
Can You Hear Me Now?
 
NEW RULE
 
No more cell phones in movie theaters. You’re not a cardiologist on call—you’re a putz whose babysitter wants to know where the ketchup is. And then you tell her, in the middle of the movie! Sometimes it’s so loud in the theater, I can barely hear what the black people are yelling at the screen. There’s a simple solution: Put your cell phone on vibrate and then up your ass.
Car Tune Network
 
NEW RULE
 
Keep your homemade mix CDs to yourself. I know you spent weeks trying to pick the perfect song to put between “Hey Ya” and “Who Let the Dogs Out,” but I don’t even like music. I only wear an iPod to avoid talking to you.
Cell Lout
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Don’t call me when you’re stuck in traffic. It’s not my fault radio sucks. And did it ever occur to you that there wouldn’t be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road? Besides, I can’t talk now—I’m in the car behind you, trying to watch a DVD.
Center Old
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Just because you used to be famous doesn’t mean you belong in
Playboy.
A recent issue features a photo spread with Debbie Gibson, perfectly nice woman, whose “electric youth” ended in 1988. Here’s a way to tell if you’re an ’80s icon who shouldn’t be naked: When you sit down, your “leg warmers” are your tits. If I want to be exposed to has-been pop stars, I’ll sleep over at Neverland.
Check Your Local Lispings
 
NEW RULE
 
Enough with “gay-sploitation” TV.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
? If I want a bunch of gay men in queeny outfits telling me how to live my life, I’ll go back to MASS.
Checkout Whine
 
NEW RULE
 
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, “No, I don’t want cash back,” and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who’s supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that! I’ve just been called to do cleanup on aisle nine.
Chief Wannabe
 
 
NEW RULE
 
If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you’re not really an Indian. There’s a word for people who claim to be one-quarter Indian: Puerto Rican.
Chock Full o’ Putz
 
NEW RULE
 
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a decaf grande half-soy half-low-fat iced-vanilla double-shot gingerbread cappuccino extra dry light ice with one Sweet’N Low and one NutraSweet ... you’re a huge asshole. If you’re this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important, like a Danish.
Chopping Spree
 
NEW RULE
 
If you don’t want the world to think your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. Texans are bloodthirsty and dim, and even they learned to use an electric chair. Come on, Islam. Join the nineteenth century.
LAX Security
 
NEW RULE
 
H
omeland Security can’t call itself Homeland Security until it provides homeland security.
According to an FBI report, airlines are still a prime target for al-Qaeda, mainly because airline security in America remains a faith-based initiative. President Bush has certainly proved himself resolute when he wants to make something an issue—so we really could use his steely resolve on this one. Or, to paraphrase Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me you’re a bomb-sniffing dog.”
As a comedian, I do a lot of flying, and some of it is in airplanes, which unfortunately only leave from airports, which have become bureaucratic nightmares that test our patience, our sense of logic, and our ability to hide a small brick of hash inside a hollowed-out can of deodorant.
If you’re looking for a reason terrorists haven’t hijacked another plane, I think I know what it is: It’s too much of a hassle! I mean seriously, people, I’m on the road a lot—sometimes I honestly can’t remember who packed my bag!
Did you hear the latest? Now there can be no lighters on planes. This, of course, will do nothing to change the safety equation, but it will ensure that if the passengers end up enjoying the terrorists’ work, they still can’t bring them back for an encore.
And the new luggage screening system, which everyone agrees would help a lot, remains on the drawing board because the Bush administration insists the airlines should pay for it. Are they high? The airlines are broker than Michael Jackson. Delta announced last week it was taking away the pillows
—the pillows?
That’s like Holiday Inn saying they can’t afford the mint. Plus, now what am I supposed to use to muffle the crying kid next to me?
There’s what we pay lip service to, and then there’s what we pay money for, which is, after all, what we actually “value.” We could have good security at the airport; we know how to do it. Have you ever been to a casino? There are more cameras than at a Korean wedding, with zoom lenses that can count the stitches on your date’s sex change from 50 feet away. You can’t do math in your head in a casino without being spotted, recorded on videotape, hustled off the floor, and buried in the desert by Joe Pesci.
So what I’m saying is, Am I just a dreamer, or could we try to make the airports at least as secure as Circus Circus?
 
Class-Holes
 
NEW RULE
 
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com
. There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years—because you don’t particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days—mowing my lawn.
Closed-Mouth Session
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Congressional sing-alongs of “God Bless America” are the cheapest form of political pandering. We get it. You’re on our side. Now get back to work. Those lobbyists in your office aren’t going to blow themselves.
Color Scheme
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Color-coded terror alerts are not just for campaigns. I can’t remember the last time we had one. It must have been ... anytime John Kerry tried to speak. Okay, the terror alerts stopped the same second as the election, but that doesn’t mean they were fake. That’s just being paranoid. If you think Bush would do something like that, you might as well say he hires fake reporters, bribes columnists, and produces his own news.

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