Night Fires (8 page)

A year, Billy, and yet it seems like only yesterday.

My heart hurts so much, baby brother. My eyes haven’t seen light since you left me, and I’m sure I’ll never see properly again.

I would give anything to go back, to change it all. I’m so sorry. I always say it, don’t I? ‘Sorry’ – but it doesn’t change anything. Nothing will ever be the same again. Not until I’m with you all, anyway.

Tell me why this damn pain never ends. Do you hate me? Do Mum and Dad hate me? Please don’t tell me Josh hates me; I couldn’t bear that.

If I could change it all, I would. You have to know that I would. I would trade myself for you all. This pain seems nothing compared to what you went through, and I know I deserve to feel the strength of it within me forever.

He’ll pay, Billy. If it’s the very last thing I do in this life, then I will make him scream until you can hear the agony devouring him, until you can witness, even from up there, how much my vengeance will destroy him and your pain. And I will accept the price of my revenge, because I sacrifice my own soul to save yours, and one day soon, you shall receive yours and finally be able to move on.

That I can, and WILL, promise you.

There is one thing I ask. 7pm, tonight, light a candle for Josh with me. He would have been three today, my beautiful boy. My happy and beautiful little boy.

I love you, brother. With every fibre of my heart.

I stared at the candle; its flame flickered and blurred under the vast amounts of alcohol I had consumed throughout the day.

Saturday had come all too soon. A year to the day that they left me – alone. So very alone.

Every part of me hurt, and even the whiskey I’d devoured had done nothing to kill it.

And now my eyes slowly lowered from the candle to the table in front of me.

A syringe.

A silver spoon.

A lighter.

A small bag full of heroin.

Oblivion in such a small, simple arrangement.

It had been five months since I’d last felt the slow rush inside me, since my body had yielded to a place where nothing could hurt me, where the pain stopped and my family lived. I knew it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be, but for the small moment it granted me, I relished the illusion it always awarded me.

Voices whispered in my head, echoes of screams made my skin crawl and a deep shiver ravaged my body. Pushing off the floor, my knees groaning in appreciation after being knelt before the table for so long, I grabbed the remote and turned the music up, praying the decibels drowned out the horror that lived inside me.

Another cold shiver burst a mass of goosebumps across my skin. Seizing hold of the handrail, I pulled myself up the stairs, dragging my drunken feet carefully up each step until I reached the top and turned to the bathroom.

The bathroom had yet to be fitted with a heater, but turning the hot tap on, the steam soon overwhelmed the chill and coated me in warmth.

My clothes hit the floor and I climbed into the bath, hissing at the hot water as I sank down, whiskey bottle still in my hand. Coldplay’s
Paradise
played loudly and I couldn’t help but snort at it. This was so far from paradise – it was hell. A living hell that wouldn’t ever set me free.

I rested my head back, closed my eyes, and lifted the bottle high in the air. “Happy birthday, Joshy. I love you, baby, and I hope you’re having the best party ever.”

The room swam before me as I took a long pull on the bottle. Why wasn’t it numbing everything? Why could I still remember?

My heavy eyes closed and at long last unconsciousness dragged me under.

“Wake up, damn you!”

I could hear him but my brain wouldn’t register what the words meant. “Mmm.”

“Alice! Come on!”

I was being dragged out of the water, the cold hitting my naked body and making me vibrate with the deep chill. I struggled, trying to climb back into the depths of the water, even though it was now cold.

“Stop fighting me, woman!”

Softness enveloped me, the touch of soft towelling making me snuggle down and concede. I couldn’t fight anymore. “I’m so tired,” I muttered.

“Then sleep,” his soft voice whispered as he lay me down on the bed. “Sleep, sweet Alice.”

The mattress comforted me, the softness taking my pain and easing it. I shook my head when I felt fingers softly stroking across my arms, then the inside of my thighs, and then my feet. “What are you doing?” The words were slurred, incoherent, but Carter must have understood me because he said quietly, “Looking for puncture sites.”

At first my addled brain didn’t understand, then I shook my head. “I haven’t.”

“Good.”

“Yet.”

“No, not
yet
,” he growled. “Never.”

I swallowed and flinched at his gruff voice as I prised my tired eyes open to look at him. The sadness in his eyes joined the rest of the pain and intensified it. My tears blurred his handsome face and I reached out to touch him, to feel him if I couldn’t see him. His thin beard tickled my palm and I couldn’t help but smile at the sensation when he pressed his hand against mine and held it tight against him. “The only time I can remember their faces is when I’m high.” I winced at my own honesty and turned away from him.

His grip on my face was gentle as he turned me back to look at him. He swallowed heavily and closed his eyes for a single second, as if needing to find the courage from somewhere. “Who, Alice?”

His fingers were in my hair, softly stroking. Calm crept inside me and I sighed as my eyes closed once more. “All of them. My family. The only people I have ever loved, Carter.” I opened my eyes and gazed at him. “They’re all dead. All of them.”

He gulped and I watched him snap his teeth together, his jaw trembling under the fierce compression. “Then sleep, Alice. Dream of them.”

I smiled and nodded. And then I did as he asked. I slept and I dreamed of them. Of their screams in the night, of their pain, of skin peeling away from their burning bodies, of Josh’s tears, and the last word he ever muttered – “Mummy!”

I woke with a start, screams ricocheting around my skull. But it wasn’t those that woke me, it was the wet, sloppy tongue in my ear that did.

“What the…?”

I shot upright, my eyes widening on a Labrador puppy who was adamant he gave me a welcoming kiss as he climbed up my chest and his tongue tried to cover the whole of my shocked face.

“Ahh, your birthday present.”

I turned my face to Carter who was lying behind me on the bed. My mouth fell open when I realised I was upright and the duvet was around my waist, exposing my bare breasts to Carter’s gaze. Yanking it up, I scowled at him when he lifted his eyes back to mine and away from my chest. “What?”

“The dog,” he said casually as he grabbed hold of the pup. “My present for your birthday.” He frowned at me as he slipped off the bed. “You did say you wanted one, didn’t you?”

“Well, yes, but…”

“Then, sorted. I’ll train him myself, and he’ll forever protect you.” He tipped his head. “From Grant.”

“What? I don’t need protecting from Grant!”

His eyebrows lifted as he pulled on a pair of jeans. It was only then I realised he had been wearing nothing but boxer shorts – tight boxer shorts. When I shot my eyes upwards, a smug smirk tipped his lips but he said nothing about my blatant perusal. “It didn’t seem that way when you took his call.”

I wasn’t sure if I was angry at his assumption or embarrassed by the way my eyes kept wandering down to his body. His abs were perfect, six strong grooves of defined muscle that made my mouth water. His pecs were solid boulders and his sharp hipbones flanked a soft trail of dark hair that tempted my eyes a little lower.

Shaking my head at my thoughts, I glowered at him. “You don’t understand.”

He shrugged then settled on the bed beside me. I wished he’d cover himself up. “Then make me understand. Your family is dead. Your reaction to Grant’s call. You were scared, Alice. I know that fear, and I saw it in your eyes.”

“It’s not like that.” My mouth was dry and the young pup was trying desperately to transfer his saliva into my mouth. Carter grabbed hold of him and placed him on the floor.

“Alice, I know we hardly know each other. But I’d like to think we’re friends.”

I nodded. “Me too.”

“Then let me help you. I can listen. And believe me, I understand your grief, the pain of it, the way it consumes you daily. The agony of so much guilt that sometimes it hurts to breathe.”

His pain was crushing and my sadness for him swamped me. “I know,” I whispered. I reached out for him and he smiled when I lay my hand on his cheek. “But you have no idea of the agony of guilt. It wasn’t your fault Elizabeth died.”

Her name from my mouth caused him to wince but he said nothing about it. “And it wasn’t your fault your family died either.”

Dropping my hand, I shook my head. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

“Alice, you can’t…”

“My mother, Mary Ellen Bird. My father, Henry Bird. Billy, William Bird, my little brother,” I whispered as I stared at the floor, wincing as my heart opened to this man I hardly knew. “And my son, Joshua Henry Redman.”

I caught Carter tense with the last name. The familiar hatred began to bubble inside me.

“They are all dead because of what I did.”

Carter was quiet for a moment. The hangover that had suddenly decided to surface made my eyes water but I brushed it aside.

“Tell me,” he asked softly.

Curling my arms around myself, I squeezed my eyes closed. “I fell in love with Niall Redman when I was eighteen. He was caring, gentle, and he loved me. My family loved him as their own and Billy looked up to him like a brother.”

Carter was silent. I knew he daren’t move or speak in case I decided to stop. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t ever stop. It had been too long, and the tide had finally reached the shore.

“I married him on my twentieth birthday.”

“You’re married?”

I nodded. “Yes. We were happy. Very happy. Then I found out I was pregnant and life was perfect.” I sighed. “And then it all went wrong.”

I felt Carter slip his hand into mine, his fingers threading through mine before he gave me a tight squeeze. “It’s okay, Alice. They’re just memories. They can’t hurt you.”

I laughed bitterly. “But they do. Every damn day.”

“What happened?”

“Niall was such a physical man, active, always needing to do something. He was only happy when his body was sweating and working.” A tear slipped free and I brushed it away. “He built me a house. It was the most perfect house; everything I ever dreamed of. He involved me in everything and together we made that house a home.”

“That’s how you learned to renovate this place?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” My heart grew heavy and I sighed. “One day Niall was working on the roof. It was raining heavily and I told him to leave it until it calmed, but he wanted it to be finished. He was always so impatient. He slipped and fell. And he broke his spine in three places.”

“Oh God.”

“He was never the same after,” I whispered as the chill set into my bones. “He became so hateful of everything, so angry at life, and he became a man I didn’t recognise. I tried so hard, but everything I did to help him wasn’t good enough. He was a proud man, and suddenly his wife was wiping his ass for him.”