No Deal Breakers (24 page)

She looked around to find it was still dark
out, the clock revealed that it was just after four, she knew Brian
had to work in a few hours, so she didn't want to wake him.
Carefully moving off of Brian's lap, she moved to the other end of
the couch and knelt down, taking the last step that she'd been
avoiding taking for the last several weeks. She had been bogged
down by her guilt and shame, but that was all gone now. Admitting
it all to Brian left her free to feel, to pray, and to love.

She began to pray, giving everything she had
to God, all the years of hurt and pain, all the doubts, all the
guilt over killing her child, and all of her gratitude for leading
her out at that time on that day and bringing her to Brian, for
being with her when she couldn't sense Him.

She knelt there in front of the couch praying
and crying for what felt like hours, when her tears were finally
dry and her heart was full of joy and peace instead of guilt and
shame, she looked up and saw Brian smiling widely at her. She
smiled back at him and moved to snuggle next to him on the
couch.

Suddenly she remembered telling him she loved
him as she was falling asleep the previous night, he hadn't
responded, so she wondered if he even heard. She hoped he had, it
was the first time she'd said the words to anyone outside of her
family, and she wanted him to hear them the first time she said
them to him. It had been a night of firsts.

The first time she really admitted to herself
that what she was feeling for him was more than gratitude, but
love. The first time she let herself feel that it was okay to love
and to be loved. Her first date. The first time she had ever
thought about willingly having sex with a man. The first time she
had told anyone about her baby. The first time she had told anyone
about who she was. The first time she admitted and realized that
she was more than her past.

It was a new beginning.

"How are you feeling this morning? We had
quite the evening." Brian asked, gently rubbing her arm.

"Much better than I thought I would, the
whole time I was talking last night I just kept waiting for you to
tell me to leave, but I think I finally realized you are different.
I'm sorry for doubting you all this time." He leaned away so he
could look her full on as he spoke.

"You have nothing to apologize for! With that
as your only reference for men, of course you've had doubts, fears
and insecurities. Most of the last few months make a lot more sense
now, and I'm glad I know. I just wish I could take it all from
you."

"In a way you did. You helped me to realize
that it's okay to forgive myself and accept forgiveness, I feel so
light now, so changed. I can't quite explain it, but I think I know
now what your dad meant when he talked about always taking his
problems to the foot of the cross. I didn't know what he meant by
that until I prayed this morning and gave everything to Him, asked
Him for forgiveness, and just gave Him all of the feelings and
everything that has happened to me. I just asked Him to take it,
and I left it there, it's all gone. I feel so happy and joyful,
something I can't remember feeling, the nagging guilt and secrets
are gone.

"All of that was a big, ugly barrier that
stood between us, I knew with it there I could never have any sort
of real relationship with you, or ever allow myself to fully love
you, or accept your love. Not with all the secrets and guilt about
who I was. The closer we became, even as friends, the bigger and
more consuming the guilt became. I hated hiding it all from you,
but I feared what would happen if you found out more. But now you
know all the ugliness that was my life, and all of that is gone,
and I finally feel like I could be a normal person, for the first
time in my life.

"I think a part of me will always wonder
about my baby, every August second will be hard. I'm sure I'll
still have issues with trust and touching, maybe even nightmares
and flashbacks, but my heart feels whole for the first time. All of
that last night was cathartic." He flashed her that dimpled grin
that she loved so much.

"I'm glad, I'm so happy that you were able to
find peace in all of this. It's a lot for anyone to have lived
through; I am in awe of you. I can't even imagine a fraction of
what you've experienced. It's so much to take in, I'm still trying
to wrap my head around it." She hadn't really thought about how it
would impact him, it was her normal for so long, it was a part of
who she was. A painful, horrible part, but it was part of her
story, and it was much easier to tell him than she thought it would
be, and had gone better than she could have ever fathomed.

"Do you have any questions that might help
you process it all? Now that I've gotten all the big stuff out
there, I think I can answer the little stuff."

"Actually, I have four big questions that
have been rolling around in my mind." She swallowed hard but nodded
in encouragement.

"Okay, the first two kind of piggyback each
other. How did you escape, and why then? I don't mean to sound
crass, but I'm just curious what happened to make that the breaking
point, or had you tried before?" These were actually pretty simple
and much easier to answer than she thought.

"Honestly, getting out wasn't that hard, as I
mentioned, Jack prides himself on being an upstanding criminal.
Most of the other girls had been in horrible conditions before
coming to Jack's, they were dirty, abused, under-fed, forced to
perform upwards of thirty times a day, and constantly moved around,
for them Jack was like a dream come true." She saw his face pale
and felt a shiver run through him as she spoke.

"That first night, after my time with King
they all told me how lucky I was to never have been in the
situations they had been in. Jack has most of the city in his back
pocket, so no one really asks questions; he can keep them all in
one place, and insists on better working conditions like I
explained last night, so most of the girls are completely loyal to
him and wouldn't dream of leaving." A shiver ran up her spine
remembering all of the women she had come to know and love over the
last several years and everything they had been through, they were
the closest thing to family she had before Brian.

"Sure, he took some precautions to keep us
in, but nothing like you would think, Jack's too arrogant and just
assumes that everyone else exists to serve him and that no one
would dare betray him. He was big on his punishments and assumed
that knowing how harsh the punishment would be for leaving would
keep us all in. I finally had enough.

"I knew from that first day that it wasn't a
good life, it wasn't the life I wanted, I hated every moment of it.
It started getting worse, every man more violent than the last, I'm
not sure why I always got the ones that liked inflicting pain, but
towards the end that's all any man I was with wanted." She paused
to try to steady her breathing, and prevent the tears from spilling
down her cheeks before continuing.

"The last client I had choked me, I'd been
choked before, but I actually lost consciousness a few times, and
that's when I knew I was done. I had to get out, I had thought
about it a million times, and already had a plan in place. I knew
more of the property than anyone else did, I knew where the cameras
were, so I was able to avoid them on my way out, I just waited for
someone to leave and took advantage of the open gates, as soon as I
was out I ran as fast as I could." Brian paled further, and looked
like he may be sick. He squeezed her shoulder and drew in closer to
him so she could no longer see his face.

"My plan was really stupid, my body was the
only thing I knew how to use, I had planned to work for myself,
become a free agent, or maybe head outside of Clark County to one
of the legal brothels, I heard they actually pay you there.
Ultimately, though, I decided I wanted the ability to turn down a
client, stupid, I know. But, it's all I knew.

"That's why I approached you, you know. You
looked safe, and then you treated me like a person, and you didn't
want to sleep with me, you wanted to marry me! I couldn't believe
my luck, I thought I could just keep being who I was, but with one
man. But, you made me feel again, and I just couldn't." She
shrugged and started playing with the hem of the dress she was
still wearing; they hadn't changed before falling asleep on the
couch. A touch of guilt returned on remembering how she had used
him.

She felt his arm tighten around her shoulder,
"Hey, no guilt. I already knew that last part, we were both
desperate and in need of each other. God brought us together at the
right time, and I wouldn't trade what we have for the world. Of
course I wish your life had been different, but we can't change the
past."

"True, so does that answer your
questions?"

"The first two, yes. I'm probably going to
regret asking this, but you mentioned it again a moment ago, and
I'm really just trying to get a feel for what you experienced." She
kept her eyes locked onto her hands in her lap, refusing to look at
him, she couldn't stand to see the pain and sorrow she knew she'd
find. She could feel him fidgeting, trying to word his next
question.

"Okay, well, did he, Jack, I mean…did he hurt
you? You mentioned, I just, you mentioned punishment, does that
mean he…hit you?" He finally managed to stammer out the
question.

"Sometimes. He didn't like us to have
bruises; he said it created a bad image for the clients, so he
found other creative ways to punish us. The type and severity would
vary depending on what we did." She felt his body tense next to her
and heard him struggling to calm himself as he choked out a follow
up question.

"What do you mean? Did you get in trouble a
lot?"

"Not really, my biggest issue is speaking out
of turn and mouthing back. His solution for me was to withhold
food. His theory was that if he limited what was going in my mouth,
maybe I'd learn to limit what came out of it." He gasped.

"That explains so much. For the first several
weeks you actually cringed almost every time you spoke, you would
get this look of absolute terror in your eyes, almost every time
you spoke. That's why isn't it? You were used to being punished for
it." She just nodded. She could hear the sorrow in his voice, she
knew he was crying.

"It also explains why you were so skinny, and
why you always clean your plate, even when you're struggling to.
You know you can always tell me what you're thinking and feeling
right? I'll never punish you or think less of you. I like when
you're open and honest with me." He took several deep breaths and
she could feel him moving to wipe his tears.

"I know, I may not have at first, but I do
now. I'm still learning that not every man is like the ones I knew.
I kept waiting for you to turn on me, become what I thought every
man was. I guess sometimes I still do." She flushed when she
thought of how all of this came out, when she had accused him of
cheating.

"That reminds me of my last question." His
voice was lighter, and he pulled back again to look at her, most of
the pain was gone from his features, but she could still see it
lingering in his eyes. "What did I do to make you think I was
cheating?" She felt her face get hot and she groaned at her
stupidity.

"It's really stupid now that I think about
it." She took a deep breath and pushed forward, "I was thinking
about how understanding and caring you've been about my boundaries,
not touching me and everything. How you never act like it's
difficult for you to not touch me and be…intimate with me, so it
made me wonder if you even wanted me at all. But, I remembered
seeing desire in your eyes a few times, so I thought that probably
wasn't it. Most of the men I was with were married and they and the
other women would talk about how men had needs and if they weren't
getting them fulfilled at home, they would get them fulfilled
elsewhere." She shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. "I guess I
just assumed because it's not hard for you to stay away from me,
and I've seen you look at me like you were attracted to me before,
that that meant you were having your needs met elsewhere." His
brows furrowed, and he shook his head with a snort of wry
laughter.

"Not hard? My goodness, woman, it's near
impossible! It's gotten so much worse since we started sleeping in
the same bed and you've started touching me. And those kisses." He
groaned. "Those kisses will be the death of me, especially if you
give me any more like the one you gave me yesterday afternoon." She
blushed remembering how she was so bold and kissed him on the lips,
she blushed even further when she realized she wanted to do it
again.

"I thought I was going to explode with that
kiss, I cherish every time you touch me. It's the sweetest gift you
could give me. It takes every bit of strength in my body, and
sometimes some I didn't even know I had to resist you." His face
softened and he placed his hand lightly on her knee sending jolts
of awareness through her body. "But I do, not because I don't want
you or find you desirable, believe me, I've never wanted anyone
more. I resist because I know you aren't ready, and because I love
you, and I never want to do anything to hurt you. Knowing you feel
safe and cared for is far more important than any desires I
have."

"Oh." It was the only thing she could squeak
out, at his admission her heart started racing, her hands grew
clammy, and a strange flash of electricity went through her. The
room was suddenly charged and intense.

He did want her. That had her on pins and
needles in anticipation, instead of in anxiety, and surprisingly,
she embraced it instead of fighting it. She finally felt like it
was okay to love him, to desire him and to be with him.