No Going Back (31 page)

He bends down in front of me, encouraging me to look at him. “Listen baby. Nothing could ever make me not love you. NOTHING. You own me. I will love every inch of your body. Especially if it represents the son you are about to give me. How could I ever not love you? You’re my everything. But I think that was your water that just broke and not your bladder. We need to go. It’s go time.” He stands up and places both hands out to help me up.

He’s right. The first contraction hits me as we are making our way out to the car. The unexpectedness of it makes me double over, and it takes me a minute to regain my bearings. Of course Seth was by my side the whole time. This whole pregnancy he’s been amazing. Come hell or high water, there was no way he was missing any part of this whole pregnancy.

We are placed in a secluded room where I’m told to put on a gown and lay on the bed. They hook straps around my belly that track my contractions and the baby’s heart rate, and then they hook up my IV. It doesn’t take long for me to request my epidural. I’m a fucking wimp when it comes to pain, and this shit right here is painful. I know Seth is scared shitless of me, but it doesn’t push him away. If anything, he’s only kinder and more sensitive to my needs. It almost makes me want to fucking slap him. Dude, quit being a sap! But once the epidural sets in, I appreciate his extra tenderness. He sings me to sleep while playing with my hair, only for me to be woken up to what feels like two minutes later by the midwife between my legs examining my cervix.

“You’re so close Mallory. The baby’s head is crowning. I’m going to go ahead and massage around the cervix to help with tearing as we wait for Dr. Gregory to show up. She should be here very soon, but whatever you do, don’t push. You might feel the urge, but hold back, okay? We need to wait for her if we can.”

“Okay,” I tell her and then look to my right where Seth is bent over my bed, holding my hand and playing with my hair with his free hand.

The doctor walks in and while getting all gloved up wants to be all chatty. I want to tell her to shut up because the urge to push this kid out is so overwhelming right now. I just politely nod my head as she chats away, but on the inside I’m screaming at her with fire coming out of my eyes.

“Okay Mallory. I know you can’t feel the contractions, but the machine shows us when they are coming. So when I say push, you push with everything you have in you. Got it?”

“Uh-huh,” is all I’m able to get out as the nurse to my left instructs Seth to pull my right leg up and hold it back while she does the same on her side. I’m fucking on display for everyone. Thank God today isn’t a day when they have their students wanting to watch the action. I’ve heard about that happening before and I’m not sure I could actually agree to it. It’s not that I’m modest, but hello, I don’t want the whole world seeing my crotch flipped inside out.

“When I say push, I want you to push until I count to ten. Alright. Push. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Good job. You’re doing great.”

“Did I just freaking shit? I swear to God that’s what it felt like.” How fucking embarrassing.

“It’s perfectly normal Mallory,” the nurse to my side reassures me.

“Pretty sure shitting your pants isn’t normal,” I mumble, slightly embarrassed by the fact that instead of pushing a kid out I just pushed a damn turd out.

Seth quietly chuckles and I whip my head at him, giving him the dirty eye. The laugh on his face dissipates instantly and he’s back to resting himself as close to me as possible while firmly holding my leg back, never letting it waver.

“You’re doing so good baby. I love you so much. You are so close. Just a few more pushes…okay baby. You can do this,” he encourages me. I don’t know what I’d do without him by my side. He’s simply amazing.

“Okay,” I grunt as I’m told to push one last time and give it everything I have and not stopping until she tells me too. I feel so drained once I’m able to stop straining from all the pushing and relax my head back and breath.

Seth looks at me with tears in his eyes. “You did it baby. You really did it. Congratulations mommy. I love you so much.” He bends down to kiss me before looking to the area between my legs where they are holding my now crying baby.

“Congratulations guys. It’s a healthy baby boy!” the doctor announces.

I can’t hold the tears back any longer. I never thought having a baby would be an emotional experience. Painful, yes, but never emotional. But knowing that I will soon be holding a baby that has been growing inside of me for the last nine months and that I managed to push out while taking a crap on the side, is a beautiful feeling. I’m overwhelmed with joy.

Seth walks over to where the nurses are cleaning him up and he watches their every move. His protectiveness is already on high alert. While he’s over there I’m stuck lying in this bed, having to push one last time to get the rest of the shit, I mean all the after birth, out. After I’m all cleaned up and sitting up I watch as Seth walks my way, holding our little guy with such pride. I hear him talking to him and it just melts my heart.

“Hey little guy. I’m your dad. I’m so glad you are finally here…you have no idea how long I have waited for you. I love you. Are you ready to be the next rock star in the Jordan family?” He looks down at me before kissing our son on his forehead. “It’s time for you to meet your mommy Axel.”

I eagerly grab him out of Seth’s hands. “Hey sweet child of mine. I’m so glad to finally meet you,” I say before lightly kissing his forehead.

Shortly after Seth hands me our son, Derek and Jesika eagerly rush in to meet the new little guy. Jesika seems a little off, but I don’t think much about it.

“Hi little guy. I’m your aunt Jes. You’re cousins are going to love you. You are so cute with your little chubby cheeks.” She coos at him before she looks at me. “How are you feeling? How’d it go?”

“It went as good as it could pushing this chunk-a-lunk out of my cootch. By the fucking way, I took a shit while doing so.” I glance over at where the guys are standing. “Sorry Derek, I know you didn’t care to hear that.” He just shakes his head at me. He knows me far too well to expect anything different from me. Jesika is rather quiet as she stares at Axel and slides her finger up and down his little arm. “Seth baby, will you go get me something to eat from like an actual place and not this hospital garbage? I’m starving.” I am really hungry, but it’s more of an excuse to shoo the guys away long enough for me to get out of Jesika what’s bothering her.

“Of course babe.” He comes over giving me a kiss before he bends down and kisses our son as well. “You take care of mommy while I’m gone little fella, okay?” He’s so adorable the way he’s embracing this whole being a father experience. It’s almost surreal seeing him this way.

As soon as the door closes I turn to Jesika, not wasting a single second. “Alright. Spill it.”

“How’d you know?” She grabs the chair from behind her and scoots it forward so it’s closer to my bed.

“You’re my best friend. I know when something is wrong or bothering you.”

“Right. Okay, well, here’s the thing. When we showed up I made a pit stop at the bathroom. I told Derek to just wait for me in the waiting area, which he did. But when I came out of the bathroom standing across the hall on the opposite wall was Remington.”

“What the hell?”

“I know, right? What the hell would he be waiting on me for? Anyways, I could tell he was very hesitant to talk to me. He wasn’t his super confident normal self. He kept shifting his weight and fidgeting with his hands in his pockets. He wasn’t talking, so I asked him what he wanted. He said started off by saying that he loved Jake and how Jake was so much like him. I wanted to argue, but how could I with everything that had happened? I had absolutely no ground to stand on to suggest otherwise, so I kept my mouth shut and just listened. He said that Jake came to him a couple months before he died with a letter. A letter that he was supposed to give me in case Jake chickened out in telling me the truth. He said he’s been holding onto that letter for over two years and thought it was time I read it.”

“Well, what does it say?” I’m curious to see what else Jake might have kept hidden or why he did what he did.

“I haven’t opened it yet. I’m scared. I knew I needed you to be with me because you’re the only one who has been by my side through all of this. I mean, I’m sure Derek would be great and I plan on telling him whatever this says…but I just need you for the initial read through because I feel like I’m fucking about to open Pandora’s box.” She may very well so be opening up a whole can of worms or maybe not.

“That’s possible Jes, or maybe it’s the closure you desperately need. The answers you find yourself wondering about sometimes. Even if it’s bad, it will put to rest the not knowing. I’m here. No matter what, we will get through this together.” I give her a reassuring smile.

She takes a deep breath as she pulls the folded letter out of her pocket. She slowly unfolds it as I watch with anticipation. There’s two pieces of paper and she flattens it out on her leg before she angels it up to read. Letting out another deep breath she starts reading aloud.

“Dear Jesika…”

The End

In the End
Preview

Keep reading for a glimpse into Jake’s letter.

His novella,
In The End
, a prequel to
Moving Forward
,

will be out late Summer/early Fall 2013.

Preface

*Warm Up*

They say the moment you know you’re going to die that your life will flash before your eyes. I never really believed that to be fucking true until the moment it happens.

You see, I grew up my whole entire life basically thinking I was invincible. I wasn’t a pansy ass kid, I was fucking tough as nails. It wasn’t just a physical sense of invincibility I felt, it was with all aspects of life in general. I thought I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and never have consequences to answer for.

As I’m tightly bracing myself for the inevitable impact that’s most definitely going to claim my life, I pray that I can form some sort of invincibility shield around Jesika. If only I could do that to her heart as well.

In an instant my childhood and everything surrounding my mother flashes by — so quick I pay no mind to it. In fact, I pay no mind to any of it until the piece of my life I have been missing comes into play.

Even though my world is ending, I can’t help but smile on the inside as all these memories that now I realize were precious take over. They aren’t all butterflies and rainbows, because God knows I’ve made some mistakes — mistakes I’ll never get to answer for. But I try not to dwell on the bad as I hear the screeching of tires and the crunching of metal taking over. So many memories flood my mind that I try to relish each of them one by one.

“I love you Jesika. No matter what you hear. Know I always loved you.”

Dear Jesika,

I want to start off by saying that no matter what, know that I’ve always loved you and will always love you. I’m not even sure you’ll even see this letter, but I had to put all this shit that’s in my head somewhere. Mainly in case I puss out, because even though I put it off that I’m fearless, in all reality losing you is the only thing that scares me to death. I honestly can’t even handle the thought and therefore the reason I’ve been pushing this off. I no longer can do that, so I’m writing it all out — trying to make sense of some of it, if that’s even possible.

As I’m writing this letter to Jesika I can’t help but revisit so many memories we have shared… so many good times.

Round One

*Saw You First*

Is that all he’s fucking got? He calls that a fucking upper cut? That shit was weak. Wizz-eak! He didn’t even follow through. You must follow through with every single punch or kick you put out. Just because you connect doesn’t mean you immediately pull back right after. That isn’t going to do a damn thing to your opponent…well besides make them come at your ass with everything they have because all you did was give them a fucking love tap. I’ll show this joker how an upper cut is supposed to feel.

Lights out!

“Give it up for Jake *Triple Threat* Reynolds. This is his second win of the night…another KNOCKOUT!” The announcer says as he grabs my arm and yanks it up in the air along with his. I hate that damn nickname that I now carry around. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what the meaning behind it is, it’s just I’ve never been a fan of nicknames in general.

I scan the crowd knowing that Holden should be here for by now. He’s usually always front and center. I like to call him my number one fan. I’m not really sure what it is about me fighting that pumps his ass up. It must be the fact that he gets to watch me sometimes get my ass beat. Doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I’m sure he enjoys it. God knows he could never get a hit in on me. We used to have our little boy childhood spats growing up, but for the most part we’ve always gotten along. It could be because we envied each other. He grew with the country boy lifestyle. Always able to play any sports he wanted or not play any at all which ended up being the case the older he got. He is what some might call a computer geek.

When he’d come over to my house he thought it was like living out some fucking fantasy or something. I think with time he realized how I didn’t have a damned say so in anything whatsoever and his envy turned more into pity.

I quickly see him standing up cheering me on. I can see how proud he is. He’s the only family I ever have come to any of my fights. I like to keep it that way. I could give a rats shit about the rest of my so called family. For all I cared to acknowledge, Holden is my only family. It’s not like I’ve ever known my father, and my mom, well, I lived with the lady my whole life and I don’t even know her. That’s not a mother. I give Holden my winning smile before my attention is drawn to the left of him. He never brings anyone with him. I mean never. This has always been as much of an escape from reality for him as it is me. But I’ll be damned if he doesn’t have the most beautiful chick standing right next to him; pretending to actually be excited. How cute. I have to meet her. There’s no way her and Holden are an item. He’s never mentioned being interested in anyone to me. Maybe he’s afraid that if he did, I’d somehow screw it up. I am known to get around. It’s possible that some may call me a girlfriend stealer. Hey, it’s not my fault that these chicks are quick to drop their panties for me. It’s not like their pussy boyfriend’s will actually say something to me about it. Heaven forbid they actually have to back up their shit talking mouth. That’s all that’s in this fucking piece of shit town anyways. Fake ass shit talkers.