No Matter What (109 page)

“Of course I’ve fucking tried, Reece!
 
I spent those first few months doing nothing
but
trying but she’s not saying anything.
 
I don’t know what he did to her but something’s not right.
 
They’ve got Ethan and it isn’t like
India
to totally ignore Michael for no good reason when it comes to their son, and now
he’s
started asking questions I can’t see how she can carry it on for much longer.”

“Well, she’s stubborn so she’ll carry on with it for as long as she can.”
 
Reece went to the fridge and took out two beers, handing one to Kenny.
 
“Look, do me a favour will you?
 
Just try and talk to her again.
 
Please?
 
I’ve tried talking to Michael but he won’t say anything other than what we already know.
 
Just like her he says there’s nothing more to it than the affairs but I’m just not getting it.
 
I know they both did things they shouldn’t have done, but ...”

Kenny looked down at the ground, only too aware that his relationship with
India
had always been a major factor in her and Michael’s break-up.
 
He was also aware that Reece had always known it would be.

“Kenny, I don’t care what happened with you and my daughter, ok?
 
Not anymore, we’ve all moved on.
 
Except
India
, and she needs to start doing that because I’m not sure she has.
 
Not totally.
 
There’s something holding her back and I want to know what it is because she needs to face up to it.
 
She really does.”

Kenny sat down, removing Ethan’s teddy bear from behind his back and placing it next to him.
 
“I can’t promise anything.
 
I don’t even see her that much at the minute, she’s so busy working.”

Reece sat down opposite him.
 
“It’s good for her, working on ‘Covert One’.”

Kenny looked up at him.
 
“Is it?
 
Personally I think she should have taken some time off.
 
She’s been working almost non-stop for three years, she needs a break.”

Reece shrugged, sitting back in his chair.
 
“She’s doing what she thinks is best.
 
She’ll take time off when she’s ready.”
 
He looked over at Kenny.
 
He looked distracted.
 
“Is everything ok?”

“Everything’s fine.”
 
He put his beer down on the table and sat forward.
 
“But she’s never going to be mine, is she, Reece?”

“What do you mean?”

Kenny sighed, running a hand though his hair.
 
“She’s never going to commit to me.
 
Not in the way I want her to.
 
We’ve known each other for sixteen years and … and if it was ever going to happen it would have done ... sorry, you don’t need to hear this.
 
I don’t know why I’m talking like this …” Kenny got up and grabbed his jacket.
 
“I’d better get going.
 
It’s getting late.”

“Kenny ... come on.
 
Sit down.
 
You obviously
need
to talk, and I’m happy to listen.
 
Really, I am.”

Kenny turned round and sat down on the arm of the sofa.
 
He did need to talk. He really needed to talk.
 
For some reason.

“All these years I’ve been in love with her, Reece, but, she’s never really loved me back.
 
Not the way
I
love
her
.
 
And I thought, I really thought that we’d just, y’know, be together by now.
 
I thought that, once she was over Michael, it would just happen.
 
But it hasn’t, and I don’t think it ever will.
 
Not now.”

Reece found himself feeling sorry for the man in front of him.
 
For all those years he’d done nothing but love his daughter and no matter how stupid and confused his actions had been over the years as far as
India
was concerned, no matter how wrong some of the things they’d done had been, all he’d ever done was love her.

“You don’t know that, Kenny.”

Kenny nodded.
 
“Yeah, I do. You don’t get as close to someone as I’ve been to
India
and not get to know them inside out, and I know her, Reece.
 
I know what she’s feeling.
 
And I know she’s never gonna love me like I want her to.”

“So why do you sleep with her?
 
Why continue to do that when you know how she feels, when you know she could just let you go at any minute?
 
Why continue to do that to yourself?”

“Because I can’t walk away.
 
Not until I have to.
 
Not until she makes it clear that she doesn’t need me anymore.”

“She’ll always need you, Kenny.
 
Even
I
can see that.
 
But you’re making life so hard for yourself, and for her too.
 
This relationship you two have, it isn’t good for either of you.”

“But I need
to be
in
her life, Reece.
 
I can’t leave her alone, I can’t do it.
 
I can’t stop being her friend.”

“I’m not saying stop being her friend, Kenny.
 
I’m just saying, stop blurring the lines.
 
For both your sakes.”

Kenny knew every word Reece had spoken was true, and he’d had no idea what had made him open up so much to
India
’s father but he was glad it was off his chest.
 
He’d needed to talk.
 
He’d needed to say how he really felt to make himself understand what it was he needed to do.

“She’ll fall in love again, and it’ll kill me, Reece.
 
It’ll hurt like hell ... Jesus …” He felt tears start to blur his vision and he quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
 
Sixteen years of wishing and hoping, of having her and letting her go and never being able to get her back, it was just all too much.
 
The realisation that she’d never be his was just too much for Kenny to take in, even though he’d known, in the back of his mind for so many years, that this was how it was always going to be.
 
He just hadn’t been able to face up to it, until now.

“I just can’t bear the thought of never being able to touch her like that ... never being able to hold her, make love to her ... we felt so good together, Reece.
 
So good ...”

Reece felt a little uncomfortable listening to Kenny talk about
India
like that but the poor guy had obviously needed to say it, he’d needed to get it out.
 
He just wished he could tell him something that would make him hurt less, but what could he do?
 
What could he say?

Kenny pulled himself together, pushing a hand through his black hair as he looked at Reece.
 
“I’ll talk to her, ok?
 
Don’t worry.”

Reece smiled at him.
 
When all was said and done Kenny Ross had been in his life just as long as
India
had, and in some strange way he felt almost like the son he’d never had.
 
He wished he could find happiness just as much as he wished his daughter could.
 
It seemed almost cruel that the two of them couldn’t find that happiness together.
 

“You’re a good man, Kenny.
 
I’m just sorry I couldn’t have seen that sooner.”

Kenny smiled back, standing up and putting on his jacket.
 
“If we could all turn back time there’d be a hundred things we’d change, Reece.
 
And anyone who says otherwise is lying.”
 

***

India
loved the fact they were in a 24 hour diner in the middle of
Los Angeles
at ten past one in the morning and that nobody was batting an eyelid.
 
She loved the fact they were dressed in scruffy jeans and t-shirts eating burgers and sharing french fries and that it all felt like something ordinary people would do.
 
But more than anything she was loving being in JJ’s company.
 
He was so different to anyone she’d ever met before.
 
So down-to-earth and grounded.
 
He knew how to make her laugh and he listened as she told him all about her crazy arrival in
Hollywood
and her less-than-conventional family.
 
She felt about sixteen again, and it was a great feeling.

“You’re either an amazing actor or you’re genuinely interested in my going on about Ethan,” she smiled, suddenly aware that she’d been talking about her son for the past ten minutes without letting JJ get a word in.
 
“And I can’t imagine for one second that you’re in the least bit bothered about my soon-to-be four year old son’s reading ability.”

JJ smiled, looking at her.
 
“I love watching you talk about him.
 
Your whole face lights up, you become so animated, so alive.”

She felt almost shy as her eyes met his and she looked down at the table for a second.
 
“He means the world to me, JJ.
 
He’s the only man in my life who hasn’t lied to me in some way.
 
To think that I never really wanted kids ... to think I might never have had him ...”

JJ reached out across the table and took her hand; an almost reflex action that he’d had no control over and she looked back up at him.
 
But she didn’t let go of his fingers as they touched hers.
 
Not for a few seconds, anyway.

“I’m sorry ... I didn’t mean to ...”

She smiled at him.
 
“It’s ok.
 
Really.
 
I just don’t want any attention brought to us, that’s all.
 
I’m having such a great time.
 
I don’t want anything to spoil it.”

“Are you really?
 
Having a great time, I mean?”

She nodded, playing with the last of the burger on her plate.
 
“It’s been good.
 
I haven’t had a night like this in so long.
 
Not since me and Kenny used to hang out, back in the old days ...” She trailed off, wishing she hadn’t mentioned Kenny.
 
She hadn’t wanted to mention Kenny.
 
He wasn’t even on her mind.

She looked up at JJ again.
 
“You’re like a breath of fresh air, Joe.
 
You really are.
 
I’ve needed something like this, something different ... something real ...”

She looked down again, aware she was rambling but the long night was starting to catch up with her.
 
Looking up at him, she smiled.
 
“I needed this.
 
And, thank you.
 
I mean that.
 
Thank you.
 
It’s been a really lovely night.”

He looked down at his hand as he fiddled with the napkin by the side of his plate.
 
“It doesn’t have to end just yet.”
 
He looked up at her, their eyes meeting, and a jolt of electricity shot through him that almost made him jump.
 
“Does it?”

She didn’t know what to do.
 
She knew what was happening here, it was all too obvious now, but she didn’t know what to do about it.
 
She knew that her stomach was doing those little flips, and that her heart had started beating faster and that just looking at him was making her feel light headed, but she didn’t know what to do next.
 
She didn’t know if she was ready.

He looked back down at the table, and suddenly
India
knew
exactly
what she was going to do.
 
She was going to follow her heart, and ignore her head.
 
Just like she’d always done, because she needed someone like JJ.
 
She needed someone.

“No.
 
It doesn’t have to end,” she whispered, reaching out for his hand across the table and sliding her fingers between his, smiling as he looked up at her.
 
So he was younger than her, so what?
 
He was also very different to either Kenny or Michael and that’s what she needed more than anything.
 
Two men – that’s all she’d ever really had in her life, those two men, and it was time to break that cycle.
 
It was finally time to move forward.

They drove back to JJ’s house - a modest detached place close to
Beverly Hills
and, once inside,
India
found it hard to believe that he lived alone, it was so tidy and clean and she couldn’t help thinking how messy and cluttered her beach house was with Ethan around.
 
But she wouldn’t want it any other way.