No Matter What (149 page)

As she spoke to him again her voice was quieter, but the tone of sadness mixed with hate was still very much there.
 
“You took the one thing I love and you ripped him away from me.
 
You tore the centre out of my world and I will never, ever forgive you.
 
He’s gone, are you happy about that?
 
Is that what you wanted, Michael?
 
Is it?”

“
India
, please ...”

“I wouldn’t sleep with you so you told him and now he’s gone and he won’t even talk to me.
 
He won’t let me explain and you did that, Michael.
 
You
did that and I’m in so much fucking pain I can’t even describe it.
 
I hurt like I’ve never hurt before and you did that so I hope you’re fucking proud.”
 
She shook Kenny’s hands off her arms, still staring at Michael.
 
“You got what you wanted.
 
You got the result you were after.
 
So go and say goodbye to Ethan and get out of this house.”

“
India
, I’m sorry ...”

“Sorry?
 
You’re sorry?
 
You think sorry is going to bring my husband back?
 
Do you?
 
Do you think being sorry will make it all ok again?”
 
She turned away from him and Kenny took her in his arms, holding her tight as she let more silent tears fall down her face.
 
She wanted to shut the world out again, she wanted to close her eyes and not open them until JJ was back in her life because when she closed her eyes the pain eased a little.
 
When she was asleep it didn’t hurt so much.

“Come on, Michael,” Reece said, knowing he had to stay strong here.
 
He had to handle this carefully so as not to scare Ethan, despite the fact he wanted Michael as far away from his daughter as possible.
 
Seeing her like that had shaken him but he had to handle this very carefully.
 
“Ethan’s down in the playroom.
 
You can say goodbye, then I think it’s best that you leave.”

“I need to see she’s ok, Reece.”
 
Michael hadn’t been prepared for what he’d just seen.
 
He knew he’d hurt her.
 
The second he’d told JJ what he knew he’d hurt her.
 
But he hadn’t expected her to be quite so out of it.
 
He hadn’t expected to see her like that and it scared him.

“Does she fucking look ok?” Kenny shouted, knowing that if he wasn’t holding
India
he’d have laid him out.

“Ok, Kenny.
 
I’ve got this,” Reece said, hearing Ethan’s excited voice out in the hallway downstairs.
 
“Ethan’s down in the hall now so let’s just keep it calm, alright?
 
Just look after
India
, and I’ll take care of this.
 
Come on, Michael.”

Michael looked at the broken image of his ex-wife.
 
She looked so small and vulnerable as she stood in the arms of her closest friend, someone who, for eighteen years, had been willing to fight for this beautiful woman, and it looked like he always would be.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,
India
.
 
You have to believe that.
 
I didn’t want to hurt you.”

She turned to look at him, still holding onto Kenny.
 
“No.
 
You never do, do you?”

She walked back into the bedroom, away from a man she didn’t even want to look at anymore, going into the en-suite bathroom and looking in the mirror.
 
The image staring back at her shocked her.
 
Her eyes were red, her face tired and drawn and pale.
 
She had to pull herself together, she knew that, but she just didn’t have the energy.
 
She didn’t have the will or the fight.
 
She just wanted her husband back and he wasn’t here, so what was there left to go on for?

She ran the cold tap, splashing the icy water over her face but none of it made her feel any better.

“Are you ok?” Kenny asked, leaning against the doorpost, his arms folded as he looked at her.

“What do
you
think?”
 
She pushed past him and went back into the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed, a sudden wave of emptiness washing over her that made her clutch her stomach as yet more tears started streaming down her face.

“
India
…” Kenny sat down next to her, taking her hand.

“I don’t even know what I’m crying for anymore, Kenny.
 
I don’t know what’s going on in my head, I’m so confused … seeing Michael …”

She closed her eyes and let the tears fall, feeling Kenny’s fingers tighten around her hand.

“You should get some rest,
India
.”

“Like I’m going to be able to sleep.”

“I’ll stay with you.”

She looked at him.
 
She didn’t know what she’d do if he wasn’t here.
 

“Come on, lie down.
 
You look shattered.”

She lay back on the bed and he lay down beside her, pulling her into his arms as she snuggled in against him.
 
He felt safe and familiar and warm and she needed that right now.
 
She needed to feel safe.

“Close your eyes, baby, come on.”

He stroked her hair, kissing her gently as she closed her eyes and all he wanted to do was keep her protected, shield her away from everything that could hurt her because he loved this woman.
 
He’d loved her for over eighteen years and that was never going to change.
 
If only things had been different all those years ago; if only they’d all known then what they knew now.
 
But he had a feeling that, no matter what, there was one thing she would never change.
 
And he knew, in his heart of hearts, that that one thing was Michael Walsh.

CHAPTER 71

  
India
drove through the Northumbrian countryside which, even in the cold March sunshine, looked stunning, peaceful and calm, something she’d been herself for the past couple of days.
 
Calm.
 
And she didn’t know why, considering everything was falling apart around her.
 

She listened as the satellite navigation system told her to turn left at the next junction and she made her way along the narrow winding private road that led up to a modest-sized barn conversion.
 
Parking the car she got out and leaned back against it for a second, closing her eyes as she took a long, deep breath, running her hands through her hair and walking towards the front door, ringing the bell, taking a step back as she waited for it to be answered.

When it opened she moved forward again, waiting for the second he looked at her.

“
India
!”

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah … yeah, of course you can.”
 
He stood aside and she walked past him into the large, cosy living room.
 
“I didn’t …”

“Expect to see me?
 
No.
 
I can’t imagine you did.”

“Are you … I was going to ask if you were ok but, that’s a stupid question really, isn’t it.”

She said nothing, just looked around the room, her hands in her pockets.
 
“Layla not with you?”

“She had to go back to The States.”

“You must miss her.”

He didn’t reply.
 
“
India
…”

She swung round to look at him.
 
He looked tired.
 
She could see his face much clearer now he’d lost the beard and he looked exhausted.
 

“I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered.
 
“I wasn’t even sure I could look at you again.
 
I didn’t want to … you hurt me so much and I still miss my husband like crazy but, I had to know …” She turned away from him, taking her coat off and throwing it over the back of a chair.

Michael watched her as she walked around the room.
 
She seemed lost, and so alone.
 
He’d never wanted this for her; he’d never wanted to see her like this, yet this was what he’d done.
 
All his own work.
 
Nothing to be proud of.
 
He’d destroyed her life and at the same time destroyed his own.
 
Great job.

She turned back round to look at him.
 
“You know, I should hate you.
 
I told you I hated you and I should mean that.
 
I should want to hurt you like you hurt me, I should want to put you through as much pain as
you
put
me
through.
 
I should want to kill you, that’s what I
should
be feeling.
 
But, do you know what, Michael?
 
Do you know what the cruellest, most insane thing is?”
 
She shook her head.
 
“I don’t feel any of that.
 
Not really.
 
I hate what you
did
.
 
I hate that you had to go there and do that and make Joe leave like he did, I hate that you did that.
 
But I don’t hate
you
, and God help me I should.
 
But I can’t …” She felt sick and so tired but she had to do this.
 
Even though it was hurting like hell.
 
“I can’t because I look at you and I know – I
know
that you’re in there somewhere, the man I fell in love with, you’re in there, and that man never meant to hurt me.”
 
Tears were stinging the back of her eyes and she looked up at the ceiling, blinking them back as she bit down on her bottom lip, but she couldn’t stop them from falling.
 
Six years of pain were suddenly being unleashed and she couldn’t stop it.

Michael felt his heart breaking as he looked at her and he tried to come towards her but she held up her hands and stopped him, shaking her head.

“No, please.
 
Don’t.
 
What’s happening here, it’s probably the single most agonising thing I have ever experienced and I am so confused, so fucking confused, Michael.
 
I miss Joe so much, I really do, and to know that he doesn’t even want to speak to me is something I just can’t deal with.
 
But then I look at you, and I remember everything we had and how I felt about you and it feels like a part of me is being ripped away and that pain is excruciating, and I don’t understand …”
 
The tears were streaming down her face but she didn’t care anymore.
 
She hadn’t wanted to cry, she hadn’t wanted to show weakness around him but she was tired now.
 
Tired of it all.
 
Everything was such a mess anyway.
 
How much worse could it get?
 
“You … you have a hold over me that is so strong, Michael, so permanent, and I think you know that … you know that and you used that and … Jesus, what am I doing here?”

“
India
…”

She sat down, looking past him out of the window.
 
The feeling of emptiness and despair that was ever-present now was overwhelming her.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said, her voice a whisper.
 
“I don’t.”

He looked at her.
 
She’d lost so much weight, she looked so much younger, but so tired.
 
She looked worn out, and whose fault was that?

“I think we need a drink.”

She looked up at him with the eyes of a confused and frightened child and he felt his heart break all over again.
 
He loved this woman so much yet he’d broken her completely.
 
And all he wanted to be able to do was put her back together.

She watched him walk away into the kitchen, then she stared down at her clasped hands, at the
JJ
tattoo on her left wrist.
 
She’d got that done when she’d only known him for a matter of weeks but even then she’d known she was going to fall in love with him.
 
She’d known he was going to be so important to her and now he was gone and it wasn’t just Michael’s fault.
 
If she’d told the truth from the start he’d have had no ammunition.
 
She
was to blame.
 
She’d stupidly kept secrets from JJ, she’d handled things so badly and now he was gone and she felt like her world had ended, that’s the only way she could describe the dark feeling that engulfed her.

As she looked around the room, her eyes fell on a pile of newspapers on the chair by the fire and she got up and went over to them, even though she had no idea why.
 
It was as though something was making her feel the need to see what was there, something she couldn’t explain because she had no interest in the news.
 
She had no interest in anything except JJ.
 
He was the only thing she cared about, the only thing that mattered.