No Matter What (153 page)

She grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe and went into the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face and quickly cleaning her teeth.
 
Every day she woke up hoping to feel a little better, a little more alive but those feelings never came.
 
She needed JJ to function properly.
 
She needed him in her life so that she could carry on because, without him, there was nothing.
 
Everything was pointless and she just felt numb.
 
She was stumbling through day after day and it was exhausting.

She dressed quickly and went back out into the living room, where Kenny was now sitting on the sofa by the window, looking out at the cold but sunny city as it started it’s busy working day, the traffic streaming across the
Tyne
Bridge
as rush hour got into full swing.
 
India
remembered it well; running to the bus stop every morning because her and Charley had usually slept through their alarm.
 
It had always been hectic; they’d always been in a panic every time they’d left the flat, worried they were going to miss the bus, but never a day had gone by when they hadn’t laughed over something or someone on their way to work.
 
Those days had been so easy and carefree when she thought back to them.
 
Look at what they’d both been through since then.

“Hey, you,” Kenny smiled, hoping to get a smile back.
 
But she hadn’t smiled in so long.

She went over to the window and stood in front of it, looking out.
 
“It’s so strange being here,” she said quietly, folding her arms as she watched the Metro train in the distance carrying commuters through to their places of work in Sunderland and South Shields.

“Is it?” Kenny asked.

She didn’t turn round to look at him.
 
“Yes.
 
It is.
 
I don’t feel as though I fit in anymore.
 
This isn’t my home now, is it?
 
I don’t belong here.
 
But I don’t belong in
L.A.
either.”

“Of course you belong in
L.A.
 
That’s your home, you love it over there.”

“I don’t belong anywhere if he doesn’t love me, Kenny.”

Kenny looked at her, getting up and going over to her.
 
“Come on.
 
Come and have a cup of tea.”

“I don’t want a cup of tea.
 
I want Joe.”

He turned her around, taking her cold hand in his.
 
“You have to get stronger,
India
.
 
You have to, babe, because you’re scaring me now.
 
I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“I don’t like
being
like this, Kenny.
 
I don’t like the constant pain and the uncertainty and the not knowing what I should do.
 
I just know I can’t take the hurt anymore.
 
I can’t do it.”

Kenny didn’t like the way she was talking.
 
The tone of her voice, so monotone and lifeless, it was frightening.
 
She’d almost shut back down again once Michael had left for L.A., she’d gone back into that bubble she surrounded herself with, that cocoon that nobody could penetrate.
 
Michael had managed it, for a while, and although Kenny would never understand what had really gone on there between them, he understood that it was over.
 
Whatever it had been, whatever had happened, it was over.
 
She was moving on from him, but it was quite obvious she couldn’t move very far without JJ.

“
India
, look at me.
 
Come on, look at me.”

She looked up at him, still holding onto his hand.

“You handled Michael, didn’t you?
 
That whole situation, you got through it, so you must have the strength in there somewhere, you must have.”

“I’m just so tired, Kenny.”

“I know, baby, but you’ve got to start fighting.
 
You have to.”

“My husband’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want me anymore.
 
What is there to fight for?”

“
India
… just tell me one thing.
 
You and Michael … what happened, do you … do you still love him?”
 
He didn’t know why he’d asked that, he had absolutely no idea, it had just come out.
 

She looked at him, a look of utter, gut-wrenching sadness passing across her beautiful face.
 
“I’ll always love him, Kenny.
 
And no matter how many people tell me that’s crazy or wrong, I will always love him.
 
But we can’t be together.”
 
She looked away, her grip on his hand tightening.
 
“Not anymore.”

Kenny felt like crying, the sheer weight of her despair was seeping through into him.
 
He couldn’t even begin to work out what was going on in her head, all he knew was that he just wanted her to be happy again.
 
He needed to see her pull out of this.
 

“JJ … he’ll come round.”

“Will he?”
 
She looked at him again.
 
“Because, you know, I’m not sure that he will.”

“Then fight for him,
India
.”

“Kenny, I can’t.
 
I can’t do it, I’m so tired ...”

“Fight for him,
India
!
 
Stop giving up, this isn’t like you.
 
Get back to
L.A.
and show him how much you love him.
 
Fight for him, for Christ’s’ sake!
 
Staying here, making yourself ill, it’s really not helping, honey.”

“I don’t know what else to do, Kenny.”
 
She looked at him, fresh tears streaming down her face.
 
“I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, baby ...”

She collapsed into his arms, sobbing like a child, and all Kenny could do was hold her.
 
And then, almost as if someone had flicked a switch, she pulled away from him and stood up, wiping her eyes.

 
“I need some fresh air.”
 
She began walking over to the door that led out into the hall.

“Hang on!
 
You’ve had nothing to eat, not even a cup of tea.
 
You need to rest …
India
…” Kenny knew she shouldn’t be going anywhere on her own.
 
She was in no fit state.

“I don’t want anything.
 
How many times do I have to tell you?
 
I need to go for a walk, clear my head.”

Kenny looked at her, trying to get his head around everything she did now because her behaviour was so erratic these days.
 
But she shouldn’t be going out alone, he knew that much.

“Come and sit down,
India
, please.
 
We can call the kids.
 
You can talk to Ethan ...”

“It’s two in the morning over there, Kenny.
 
Nice try.
 
I’ve got my ‘phone, you can get me on that.”

“I’ll come with you then.”

She swung round.
 
“No, Kenny!
 
Stop treating me like a five year old!”

“I’m worried about you,
India
.
 
Have you got any idea how irrational your behaviour is these days?
 
Can you not understand why I’m reluctant to let you out of my sight?”

“I’m fine.”

“Jesus, talk about fucking stubborn!”

But he was fast resigning himself to the fact that he couldn’t predict anything that was going on in her head anymore.
 
It was impossible.

“Let me come with you,
India
.
 
Please.”

“I don’t need babysitting.”

“Just let me come with you, Jesus …”

She went out into the hallway, putting on her jacket and hat, throwing his jacket at him as he followed her.

“I’ll take that as an ok then, will I?”

“You’re not giving me much choice.”

He took her hand again, pulling her close, stroking the hair from her eyes.
 
“It
is
going to be alright you know.”

“Is it?”

He nodded.
 
“I’ll make sure of it.
 
Now, come on.
 
Let’s go get some fresh air.”

***

It was a bright but cold morning as they walked along the beach.
 
They’d driven to Tynemouth, just a mile or so away from the coastal town of
Whitley
Bay
where
India
had been born, because she’d felt a need to be there again.
 
She just wanted to walk around places where the memories were happy; places that made her feel safe.
 
They’d been here back in ‘97, just after Michael had proposed.
 
She always seemed to come here when she had things to think about - when she needed a dose of reality.

At this time of year and at this time of day it was so peaceful, calm even.
 
The morning sun was casting a glow across the vast expanse of The North Sea, making it feel warmer than it actually was and
India
dug her hands deeper into her pockets as they walked.
 
The sun was low in the sky, as it always was this time of year in this part of the world, and she’d covered her red and sore eyes with large wrap-a-round sunglasses to shield them from the sunlight, pulling her hat farther down.
 
She wasn’t deliberately trying to disguise herself but at the same time she didn’t really want people to see her in this state, because she knew the paparazzi were out and about, even here in this small and insignificant seaside town.
 
After all, she was one of the biggest stars to come out of the North East of England in a long time and people were obviously curious as to what was going on in her life, and just why she was spending so much time back in her place of birth.
 
They wanted to know about her and JJ but she was saying nothing.
 
She didn’t know what to say anyway.
 
She didn’t know what she could tell them when she had no idea what was happening herself.

“It’s very quiet here,” Kenny said, looking around him.
 
The only other people about were dog walkers and the last of the morning traffic.

India
said nothing and Kenny tried to take her hand but she pulled it away.

“No, Kenny.”

He held his hands up in surrender, putting them back in his pockets.

“You know, we really
should
think about going back to
L.A.
”

She looked at him.
 
“I don’t want to go back yet, ok?
 
I know the kids are over there and I miss them more than I can tell you but, I just can’t go back there yet.
 
I can’t be where he is if he doesn’t want me.
 
It hurts too much.”

“What if he never comes back,
India
?”

She stopped walking and looked at him, feeling yet more tears prick at the back of her eyes as he said those words.
 
“I can’t think like that, Kenny.
 
I can’t do that.”

“
India
, baby, I didn’t mean to upset you ...”

“Then why say it?
 
Why say that?”

“Because you have to start to face up to reality.
 
You have to.
 
You can’t carry on like this, it isn’t healthy.
 
You have to start thinking of others, there are people worried sick about you, including me.
 
India
…”

She turned round and started running back up the stairs away from the beach. Kenny ran after her, trying to catch up with her.

“
India
... come on!
 
Wait!”

But she carried on running, across the still fairly busy road to the lake on the other side, a place where she’d used to come with Terry as a child.
 
A place where they’d gone fishing for tadpoles on Sunday mornings, fed the ducks or gone out on the boats.
 
It was quiet today; just a young mum with a pushchair throwing bread at the ducks and for a second
India
’s heart ached for her own baby girl, who was about the same age as the one she was looking at now.
 
Part of her just wanted to be able to do normal things like this with her kids.
 
What was so wrong with wanting that?
 
She wasn’t ungrateful for the fame she had and the life it had given her but sometimes she just wanted to be
India
again.
 
India
the mum.
 
India
the wife.
 
With JJ at her side. That’s all she wanted, and she’d give up all the fame, all the money, if only he would come back to her.