No Matter What (151 page)

She shook her head.
 
“No.
 
I can’t.”
 
She folded her arms against her.
 
“I don’t expect anyone to understand what’s happening here, Kenny, because I’m not sure I understand it myself but ...”
 
She looked up at him, her eyes heavy with tears.
 
“I had to be with him.
 
One more time.
 
Oh God, I can’t do this …”

Kenny didn’t know what to say, what to think.
 
This was all out of control, it was insane!

“Jesus ... how can you let him do this to you?
 
After everything he’s done … what the fuck is he thinking?
 
You’re vulnerable and he’s taking advantage,
India
, can’t you see that?
 
That’s it, you’re coming home; we’re getting out of here and going back to
L.A.
 
You need to get your head sorted and it’s quite obviously not happening here.”

She let him talk, she watched as he ranted on about flight times and getting back to
America
but all the time she knew she wasn’t going anywhere.
 
She was staying right here.
 
She’d go back to The States when JJ wanted her to but until then she couldn’t face being in places that brought back memories.
 
She couldn’t face being close to where he was and having him reject her again.
 
She didn’t have the strength to cope with that.

“Kenny?
 
Can I have a word?” Reece asked, coming into the kitchen, quickly looking over at
India
.

“What’s so private that you can’t talk to him here?”
India
asked, leaning back against the breakfast bar.

Reece looked at her then back at Kenny.
 
“Michael’s here.”

“Is he now,” Kenny said.
 
“I hope you told him he’s not welcome.”

“What does he want?”
India
asked.

They both looked at her.

“What do you mean, what does he want?”

“I mean exactly that, Kenny.”
 
She looked at Reece.
 
“What does he want, dad?”

“Sweetheart ...”

“Can you just answer me, please?
 
What does Michael want?”

“He wants to talk to you.”

“Then let him.”

“What?” Kenny said, staring at
India
.
 
“You want to
talk
to him?
 
You sure that’s
all
you want to do?”

She threw him a warning look.
 
“I’ll talk to him,” she said to Reece.

Reece couldn’t help but notice that comment from Kenny and the look that had passed between him and his daughter, but he didn’t want to know.
 
He really didn’t.
 
He wasn’t sure how much more he could handle.

“You don’t have to do this,
India
.
 
I can tell him to go.”

“Tell him to go anyway,” Kenny said.
 
“Tell him to get out of here.”

“Will you stop running my bloody life!”
India
shouted.

“Well, you’re showing no signs of being able to run it yourself,” Kenny shouted back.
 
“You’re acting like an idiot,
India
; you haven’t got a fucking clue what you’re doing.
 
You’re crazy!”

“Hey, hey, come on!” Reece said.
 
“That’s enough.
 
Enough!”
 
He looked at Kenny.
 
“If she wants to talk to Michael, let her talk to him.”

“Then I’m staying with her.”

“Are you?”
India
said, looking at Kenny.

He stared back at her.
 
“Yes.
 
I am.”

She shook her head.
 
“Nobody’s staying with me.
 
Let him in, dad.
 
I’ll be fine.”

“Reece, she’s not fine.
 
She’s so far from fine you wouldn’t believe ...”

“Kenny!”
India
stared at him, the look in her eyes telling him to say nothing more to her father.
 
She wasn’t fine, she knew that herself.
 
But she was perfectly capable of handling her ex-husband, and something inside her was telling her that maybe it was time this happened.
 
It had always been heading here so maybe it was time to take control.
 
She’d known it was coming.
 
Even if the thought of it happening still hurt.

Reece looked at his daughter.
 
She was permanently tired, always sad and it was tearing him apart.
 
He’d tried to talk to JJ but he wasn’t listening to anything Reece had to say.
 
He didn’t want to talk to
India
, simple as that.
 
And there was nothing anyone could do.
 

She had Bobby cancelling work; she was refusing to speak to her children, refusing to talk to her publicity people or her management team.
 
She was shutting everything and everybody out except for a few close people and it wasn’t healthy.
 
It wasn’t right.

“Are you sure you don’t want either of us to stay with you?” Reece asked.

She shook her head.
 
“Just let him in.
 
He isn’t going to do anything else, is he?
 
I think even he knows there isn’t much else left he could do that could hurt me any more.”

“He could take Ethan away from you,” Kenny said, and both Reece and
India
looked at him as he said that.

“He wouldn’t do that,”
India
whispered.
 
“He wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Well, you’re not being much of a mother to him right now, are you?”

“That’s enough, Kenny!” Reece said.

Kenny looked over at
India
, knowing that last statement from him had floored her.
 
But if it had kicked some sense into her then he wasn’t sorry he’d said it.

“
India
... I didn’t mean it like that, babe.
 
Really.
 
I didn’t mean ...”

“It’s ok,” she said quietly.
 
“You’re right.
 
None of this was Ethan or Ellie’s fault and I shut them out.
 
They didn’t deserve that ... my own kids ...”

Reece went over to her, cuddling her close as she started crying again.

“I completely ignored my own kid’s, dad.
 
I didn’t even say goodbye to them. How did that make them feel?
 
Their own mother and I didn’t even say goodbye and now they’re thousands of miles away ...”

Reece looked over at Kenny, beckoning at him to come over.
 
He took
India
in his arms as Reece went outside to get Michael.

He stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head gently as she held onto him. “I’m sorry,
India
.
 
That came out all wrong and I shouldn’t have said it.
 
We’ll call them later, ok?
 
We’ll call them and you can talk to them later.”

She looked up at him, letting him wipe away her tears.
 
The best friend she’d ever had, and yet, for most of that time, she’d been anything but fair to him and still he stood by her.
 
He’d never left her side and she loved him so much.
 
She’d love him forever.

“I just wish he’d talk to me, Kenny.
 
I wish Joe would just talk to me.
 
I’m so miserable without him.
 
I’m so tired ...”

“I know, baby.
 
I know.”
 
He wanted to say that surely what she was doing with Michael wasn’t helping anything but he knew that was a bad idea, so he just kissed her quickly, hugging her close, looking up as Michael walked into the room, followed closely by Reece.

Reece looked over at Kenny, indicating to him to leave them alone but Kenny was reluctant.
 
He didn’t like the idea of leaving her on her own with a man who had such a powerful hold over her it was unbelievable.
 
But she wanted to do this on her own and he had to respect that.
 
Even if he didn’t think she was in any fit state to handle it right.

“We’ll be next door,” Kenny said, letting go of
India
, staring at Michael as he walked past.
 
“If you need us.”

Michael watched Reece and Kenny leave, the door closing behind them as he turned to look at
India
.
 
She still looked so fragile yet she hadn’t lost any of the beauty she’d carried with her throughout her whole life.
 
Even now, as she stood there in front of him with no make-up, her hair pulled back from her tear stained face, even now she was stunning.
 
But an air of sadness was all around her, and it pulled at his heart.
 

She looked at him briefly, moving over to the sofa at the back of the kitchen, sitting down on it, tucking her legs up underneath her, and he watched as she looked down at her left hand, twisting her wedding ring round her third finger.

“I need to say I’m sorry,” he said quietly, sitting down in the chair opposite her.
 
“All of this, it should never have got this far.
 
Everything that happened …”

“He still won’t talk to me, Michael.”
 
She continued to fiddle with her wedding ring.
 
 
“He doesn’t understand.
 
He won’t give me a chance to explain.”
 
She slowly looked up at him, and his heart broke at the pain in her eyes.
 
“I love him so much, and being without him like this ... it’s so painful.
 
So painful …”

More silent tears started streaming down her face and Michael just wanted to hold her, to comfort her.
 
He’d been able to make everything better once upon a time but this time - this time he’d caused the pain.
 
This time he couldn’t hold her and tell her it would all be alright.
 
This time everything was his fault.
 
She was right.
 
He’d done this to her and it was killing him.

“
India
, you have to believe me ...”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, Michael.
 
Please.
 
Just, don’t say it again.
 
I know you are.
 
It just ... it doesn’t make things any easier.
 
Nothing makes it any easier.”

He looked down at his clasped hands.
 
How had it all come to this?
 
How had he let it get this bad?
 
Why couldn’t he have just trusted her?
 
She’d always come back to him.
 
Always.
 
He could have been happy with that; he could have still had her by his side if he’d just been happy with that.
 
Making love to her again, even in these heartbreaking circumstances, had made him realise how much his life still revolved around her and every day the pain got worse because he’d felt it, every time he’d touched her, he’d felt her slipping further and further away from him and he couldn’t handle it.
 
But he was going to have to get used to it.

He took a deep breath before he spoke again.
 
“I’m ... I’m going to ask Layla to move in with me.
 
I thought you should know.”

She looked up at him, and for a split second - the briefest of seconds - she felt a stab of something she could only describe as jealousy.
 

 
“I thought you should know, because of Ethan.”

Just hearing Ethan’s name made the tears fall again and she looked away, out of the window.
 
They were on it now, the road to goodbye.
 
And there was no turning back.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No.
 
I wanted to talk to you first.”

She turned to look at him again.
 
“It’s really got nothing to do with me, what you do anymore, Michael.
 
I don’t care.”

And those three words cut through him like a knife.
 
She didn’t care.
 
They cut through his very soul because it gave him the answer, an answer he’d already known but had never had the strength to face up to before.
 
He’d always buried himself in false hope because the truth hadn’t been what he’d wanted to hear, but now he knew. She wasn’t coming back to him.
 
He didn’t love Layla.
 
Not really.
 
Well, maybe he loved her but he’d never been
in
love with her, because he would always be in love with the woman here in front of him.
 
It was pointless fighting that anymore.
 
But she was never coming back to him, and he was lonely.
 
Layla loved him, he knew that.
 
She loved him and she wanted to be with him and that was good enough for him.
 
It had to be.
 
It was all he had.