No Matter What (154 page)

Kenny caught up with her as she sat down on a bench overlooking the lake and the sea out beyond that, the sound of birds and the shouts of the excited little girl at the other side of the lake being the only sounds they could hear, interrupted by the odd Metro train that ran along the back of the lake at frequent intervals.

“They’ve let this place go, really,” she said, looking out ahead of her.
 
“It hasn’t been taken care of like it used to be when me and Terry were kids.”

Kenny sat down next to her.
 
“You still miss him, don’t you?”

She nodded, still staring straight ahead of her.
 
“Every day.
 
He never saw his niece or nephew, he’ll never know them, Kenny, and he never got the chance to be really happy.
 
That’s what makes me so sad.”

“And you think he’d want
you
to be this unhappy?”

She looked down at her clasped hands, covered by thick black gloves.
 
“No. He wouldn’t want me to be this unhappy.”

“Then get stronger.
 
For him.”

She looked up and out to sea again, the sun skipping off the water, the sky unusually blue for this part of the country at this time of year.

“I can’t go on if Joe isn’t with me, Kenny.
 
I can’t find a reason to do anything anymore.”

“There’s always a reason,
India
.
 
You’ve got those beautiful kids, think of them.”

She turned to look at him, and he knew that behind those dark glasses she was crying again.

“He’s Ellie’s daddy, Kenny.
 
He’s always going to be a part of her life, but if he doesn’t want to be a part of mine then I don’t know how to handle that.
 
I fell in love with him far harder than I thought I really had and I just can’t think of him not being there.
 
It terrifies me.”

“
India
...”

“I’m scared of a life without him, Kenny.
 
I’m scared of what might happen.”

He reached out and took her hand and this time she let him.
 
“You’ve got to be strong, baby.
 
You have to be.
 
This will pass, believe me, it will.”

She shook her head.
 
“No, it won’t.
 
It’ll never pass.”

“You sound like you’ve given up.”
 
Kenny couldn’t help feeling a cold shiver run through him.
 
The way she was speaking, it was like it was coming from someone else.

“That’s what
he’s
done.
 
Isn’t it?”

Kenny looked down at their joined hands.
 
He could make her so happy.
 
He knew he could.
 
Everything he’d ever felt for her had never gone away.
 
He could give her everything she deserved, but he also knew that she’d never really love him like he wanted her to.
 
He’d accepted that now.

India
let go of his hand and stood up, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck.

“I’ve got to get out of here.
 
If I sit still for too long I think too much and I’m tired of thinking.”

“
India
, please, sit down.
 
You need to talk about things ...”

“I’ve done all the talking I can do, Kenny.
 
I don’t know what’s left to talk
about
.
 
Joe doesn’t love me and how do I get over that one, huh?
 
How do I live with that?”

Kenny got up, following her, trying to keep up because she was walking so fast.
 
“You’re not a quitter,
India
.
 
You’ve been through much worse than this and you’ve come through it all.
 
You can come through this too.”

She turned around, walking backwards as she spoke to him.
 
“No, you see, you don’t understand, Kenny.
 
Everything else had a solution; everything else had a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel, but not this.
 
This hasn’t got that, I can’t see it, I can’t find it, and I can’t live with this pain anymore.
 
I can’t live with the things I’ve done, I can’t live knowing I’m going to have to see Joe because of Ellie and knowing I can’t be with him.
 
I can’t bear seeing him with another woman, I can’t bear the thought of him touching someone else the way I want him to touch me so don’t tell me I’ll come through this because I won’t.”
 
She shook her head, still walking backwards as they headed towards the road.
 
“I won’t ever come through this because all I want is Joe.
 
He’s all I want.
 
Or I don’t want to carry on.”

“You don’t mean that,
India
.”

“Without him I’m nothing, Kenny.
 
Without him there’s nothing left.
 
I gave up so much for him and I have to get him back or it’s all been a waste of time.”

“
India
!”

Kenny tried to warn her as she stepped out into the road but it was too late.
 
She hadn’t seen the car and the car hadn’t seen her, hitting her with a sickening thud that Kenny felt somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach.
 

But
India
had felt nothing.
 
Just the peaceful darkness that welcomed her.
 
For her, the world was perfect again.
 
Because all the pain had gone.

***

“
Hollywood star
India
Walsh’s life hangs in the balance after a near fatal road accident in her native North
East England
.

The Geordie actress had just finished shooting a movie in Northumberland, directed by her ex-husband Michael Walsh, and it was thought she was
 
staying on in Britain after her shock split from new husband and ‘Covert One’ co-star JJ Foster, who is thought to be back in Los Angeles with their eighteen month old daughter.

She was walking along the coast at Tynemouth, not far from the once popular seaside town of
Whitley Bay
where she was born, with her best friend and co-star Kenny Ross when the accident happened.
 
It’s understood she just stepped out into the road when the car hit her.

She was rushed to an undisclosed private North East hospital where it’s thought she’s on a life support machine with suspected head injuries.
 
No other details have yet been released until they contact her family, which include her
Hollywood
actor father Reece Brogan.

Kenny Ross is thought to be at her bedside...”

CHAPTER 74

India
tried to open her eyes.
 
She felt groggy, a little bit light headed, and she ached all over.
 
She was aware of voices in the room as she once more tried to open her eyes but she couldn’t make out who they were or what they were saying.
 
She was aware of someone holding her hand as she finally opened her eyes, looking up at the stark white ceiling.
 
Her throat hurt and her eyes stung and she blinked several times to try and focus properly as the person holding her hand squeezed it tighter, stroking her fingers.

“
India
, baby, it’s me.
 
It’s JJ.
 
Baby, it’s Joe.”

She closed her eyes again.
 
It hurt to keep them open for too long, and she was so tired.
 
She just felt so tired.

“
India
...”

It was JJ’s voice.
 
She was sure she could hear JJ’s voice but he sounded distant.
 
Was she dreaming?
 
She felt as though this was a dream.
 
The grogginess didn’t seem to want to go away and her head felt like cotton wool.
 
She couldn’t think straight.
 
Where was she?
 
Something had happened but she was too tired to try and work out what.

“Is she ok?
 
Can somebody come and look at her, please?”

JJ’s voice again.
 
He sounded worried.

“Joe?” she whispered.
 
Her eyes were still closed but she found the strength from somewhere to squeeze his hand.
 
She was sure it was his hand holding hers.
 
She was sure.

“Yes, baby, it’s me, it’s Joe.
 
I’m here.
 
I’m right here.
 
India
, can you look at me?
 
Can you look at me, baby?”
 

She slowly opened her eyes again, turning her head until she saw him.
 
He was there, he was really there, but he looked tired.
 
He looked so tired.

“Hello, you,” he smiled, squeezing her hand again.
 
“You had me scared for a while you know.
 
You had me so scared.”

He was crying and she suddenly found herself crying too because she had no idea what was going on.
 
She was totally confused.
 
She didn’t know where she was or how she’d got there.
 
All she remembered was that JJ had left her, and now he was here beside her, holding her hand and smiling at her.

He gently stroked her hair, his fingers brushing away the tears from her eyes, bringing her hand up to his mouth and kissing it.

“You were in an accident,” he whispered.
 
“You ran out into the road, do you remember?
 
When you were with Kenny?”

“Kenny?” She closed her eyes again, trying to remember, but everything seemed so fuzzy and unclear.

“You were hit by a car,
India
.
 
You’ve been in a coma for over a week.
 
Over a week, baby.”
 
He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
 
He couldn’t stop the tears of relief streaming down his face.

He could still remember the ‘phone call from Reece in the early hours of that morning, almost a fortnight ago, telling him what had happened.
 
He could still remember the shock hitting him, knocking him sideways.
 
He’d been so far away and all he’d wanted was to be with her.
 
The past few months had just vanished into nothing.
 
Whatever she’d done, whatever had happened, none of it had mattered because he’d thought he’d lost her.

At the time Reece had called him they didn’t know if she was going to make it.
 
The news had been bad.
 
They’d told them to get over to the
U.K.
as quickly as they could and JJ had done everything on auto pilot from the second he’d heard the news.
 
He’d had to because he knew that if he’d thought about it too much he would’ve gone crazy, he would have caved in, and that hadn’t been an option.
 
India
had needed him and he had to be there for her.

When he’d arrived at the hospital with Reece she’d been in Intensive Care, hooked up to various machines that were breathing for her.
 
They’d wanted to keep her in an induced coma in order to let the swelling on her brain go down and seeing her like that had scared him.
 
Had it been his fault?
 
If he’d just stayed and listened to her she wouldn’t have been lying there all broken and damaged and clinging onto life.

He’d blamed himself, no matter how many times people had told him not to.
 
It was nobody’s fault, they’d kept telling him.
 
But he knew that it was.
 
All she’d done was love him and he’d rejected her because of something that had happened all those years ago.
 
He hadn’t been able to get his head round the fact his brother had been with her first and it had been stupid and childish because there’d been much more to it than just sex.
 
She’d gone through more than he really wanted to think about, and maybe that’s what had actually made him run away.
 
Because that’s what he’d done.
 
He’d run away, when he should have faced up to things.

Knowing that he could have lost her without telling her he was sorry, without telling her that he loved her, that had been the hardest thing to take.
 
He’d sat by her bedside every day, sleeping beside her every night, refusing to leave her.
 
Other people had come and gone; Kenny, Reece, Martha, Ray, Bobby - they’d all come to see her and talk to him, they’d tried to keep him occupied.
 
Vince and Charley were ‘phoning constantly from
Las Vegas
for news, but he hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone. All he’d wanted to do was hold her hand and wait for her to wake up, and he’d had no doubt that she would.
 
If she couldn’t fight herself then he’d been determined to fight for her.
 
He’d talked to her all the time, told her about the kids, what they’d been up to.
 
He’d told her he loved her.
 
He’d told her he loved her more than he’d ever thought possible because she had to know that.