No Matter What (41 page)

But, even as he said the words, he knew that wasn’t going to happen.
 
What they’d done had brought old feelings back to the surface and to close the door on them now was an act that would take a strength neither of them had right now.

“You know we can’t do that, Kenny.”

It was no use fighting it.
 
She was right.

“I’m so scared,” she whispered, and she was, she was terrified.
 
Terrified of what was going to happen now.
 
In a matter of days she’d become a mess for reasons she wasn’t sure she could explain and letting Kenny Ross back into her life like this could be the worst thing she’d ever done.
 
No, it
was
the worst thing she’d ever done.
 
They worked as friends but this way they were dangerous, they shouldn’t be anywhere near each other like this.
 
And they both knew that.

He could see the stress in her face, the hours of thinking things over that must have been going through her head was so evident in her eyes and he hated that things had to be this way.
 
All he wanted to do was love her and yet that was such a complicated thing to do.

He kissed her open mouth gently, loving the taste of her.
 
He’d never forgotten that taste.
 
She reached up and touched his face, her fingers running over his rough, bearded jaw line, his dark hair falling down over his eyes.

“I just want to be with you, Kenny.
 
That’s all.
 
I just want to be with you.”

And, for the time being, that was all she was going to do.

CHAPTER 22

Michael had called her as soon as he’d got back to
L.A.
and just hearing his voice had made her feel sick with guilt.
 
There was no way she didn’t love that man, no way he didn’t mean the world to her and she just hoped that he hadn’t picked up on the stress in her voice.
 
How could she do this to him?
 
How could she hurt him so badly when all he’d done was love her?
 
And if he found out about Kenny being here - she didn’t even want to think about that eventuality.
 

Almost as soon as Michael was off the ‘phone she got a call from Terry.

“What are you playing at,
India
?”

“Hello to you too.”

He sighed.
 
“I’m sorry ... are you ok?”

“I’m fine thanks.”

“Why’s Kenny over there?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not to me personally, no.
 
But I think you should know how this is going to look if Michael finds out.”

“And are you going to tell him?”

“No.
 
Of course I’m not.
 
I’m not really intending to bump into him if I can help it.
 
But there’s something you should know,
India
.
 
Kenny ... he’s still in love with you.
 
He told me as much.
 
And I really think you should know that.”

India
didn’t say anything.
 
Maybe she’d always known he still loved her but to have somebody tell you that he’d actually said the words ...

“
India
... what’s going on over there?
 
I’m your brother, I know you, I know this isn’t normal behaviour for you.
 
Why didn’t you just come back with Michael?”

“I wanted to spend a bit of time here, Terry.
 
It’s been good, seeing the old place.”

“You’re spouting crap again, sis.
 
You and Kenny ... what’s going on?”

She looked up as Kenny came out of the bathroom.
 
He hadn’t stayed the night.
 
Neither of them had thought that was a particularly good idea, even if they were both staying in the same hotel.
 
But he’d come to her room almost as soon as the sun was up.

“
India
?”

“There’s nothing going on, Terry.”

She looked at Kenny as he leaned back against the wall, pushing his dark hair back off his face.

“I’ve got to go.”
 
She wasn’t really in the mood for the Spanish inquisition from her brother.
 
That could wait until she got back to
L.A.

“Look,
India
... just take care, will you?
 
And be careful.
 
Please.
 
Whatever you’re doing ... just be careful.
 
I love you, sis.”

“I love you too, Terry.”
 
She put the ‘phone down and looked at Kenny again.

“He knows, doesn’t he?” Kenny asked.

“I think he’s got a fairly good idea, yes.”
 
She got up and went over to him, kissing him quickly.
 
“Look, he’ll be distracted by this Charley business, he won’t care what we’re up to, not really.”

Kenny circled her waist with his arm, pulling her closer.
 
“It’s not really Terry we should be worried about though, is it?”

“He won’t say anything to Michael.
 
They’ll be lucky if they even see each other in the next few days.”
 
She reached up to kiss him quickly again, then tried to walk away, but he pulled her back for a longer, deeper kiss.

“Are you sure you want to get into this, baby?”

He slid his hand up under her t-shirt, touching her skin, the feel of his fingers making her break out in goosebumps.
 
“I don’t think we’ve got much choice, Kenny.
 
Do you?”

He shook his head.
 
“No.
 
I don’t think we have.”

She pulled away from him and went over to the wardrobe, grabbing her coat, hat and gloves.
 
“Come on.
 
I haven’t come back to the North East of England to sit in a hotel room.”
 
She smiled at him.
 
“Even if I
am
with you.”
 
She threw his jacket and hat at him, still smiling.
 
“Come on, put those on.
 
You’re going to need them, because I’m about to show you my life before
L.A.
”

***

Both of them were about as disguised as they could be and in a way they were grateful for the freezing cold weather because it meant more layers to hide behind. Kenny wore black jeans and army boots, a black jacket, a hat pulled down until it almost hit the top of his dark glasses and a scarf wrapped around his neck and, because of the beard he was sporting at the minute, he was practically unrecognisable.
 
India
was dressed in combat pants and biker boots, a khaki three-quarter length parka jacket, her hair pulled back into a low ponytail and a black beanie hat covering her head.
 
She had on very little make-up, which made her look much younger than she actually was.
 
Maybe they’d just about get away with this.

It was a cold January day and
India
could remember days like this, when she and Charley had taken ages to get ready for work because they could never find anything warm enough to wear that still made them look good.
 
She remembered those days like they’d happened only yesterday.

People were few and far between as
India
got out of the car, locking it and walking round to Kenny, who was putting his dark glasses back on.

“So …” he said, looking around him,
 
“... where are we?”

“This is a place called
Tynemouth
.
 
We used to come here during the school summer holidays, me and Terry.
 
Mum used to bring us sometimes, but it was mostly our
Nan
.
 
The beach always used to be packed here in the summer.
 
You couldn’t get moved for people ... come on ...”

She took his hand and they ran across the road, down over the grass verge and onto the footpath overlooking the beach and the
North Sea
, taking shelter behind the small row of shops and the amusement arcade.
 
She so badly wanted him to put his arms around her and let her snuggle into him but maybe that wouldn’t be wise, given the circumstances.

“Down there, on that beach, is where my brother honed those football skills of his,”
India
said, looking at Kenny and smiling.
 
“Ok, soccer skills, I keep forgetting.”

“I can see you as a bit of a tomboy growing up,” Kenny said, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched against the cold breeze.

“Well, having a football mad brother meant I was never far away from anything sports related, and Terry used to use me as goalkeeper a lot.
 
I guess I was never really a girlie-girl.
 
It was never me.
 
Not then, anyway.
 
I’m kind of getting used to the dresses a lot more now though.”

They walked along the path above the beach until they came to some steps that led down onto the sand.
 
The biting wind was so far away from the warmth of
L.A.
, the place
India
now called home, but she’d never forget her roots.
 
So many people made that mistake and she was determined not to do that.
 
This was where she’d grown up, where she had memories and history and it had been too long since she’d been back.
 
It had been far too long.

Kenny took her hand and helped her down the last couple of steps, reluctant to let her go, even when they reached the bottom.
 
The only other people on the beach were much farther up the coastline, walking dogs; surely they wouldn’t even get a second glance.
 
They just looked like any other couple taking a winter morning’s walk.
 
So he kept hold of her hand and she seemed in no hurry to let go.

“Do you ever wonder about your dad?” Kenny asked.
 
“Your real dad, I mean. Do you ever wonder what he’s like?
 
Where he is?”

India
stared straight ahead of her, hundreds of memories of summers spent here in this place suddenly flooding her head.
 
Despite the more than dysfunctional family she’d grown up in they’d had some happy times too.
 
And the man she’d called dad for all of her life had been a good man, most of the time, even if he wasn’t her biological father.
 
Things hadn’t been so easy as her and Terry had grown older though.
 
The relationship between him and their mother had deteriorated steadily as the years had gone on, and they’d eventually ceased to really care about their kids, leaving Terry and
India
to fend for themselves but that hadn’t been a bad thing in the long run.
 
They’d learnt to stand on their own two feet fairly early on, giving them the confidence to make something of themselves and not follow in their parents’ messed up footsteps.
 

If she thought about it, in the past few years, she
had
sometimes wondered where her real father was.
 
Did she look like him?
 
Did she have any of his personality?
 
Was he even still alive?
 
Just fleeting thoughts, every now and again, and probably due to the fact she’d been embarking on this whole new life she now had.
 
She’d thought about a lot of things over the past few years.
 
Her real father was just one of them.

“I suppose I
have
thought about him, now and again.”
 
She looked out to sea, focusing on a boat way out in the distance.
 
“If he’s out there, though, and he knows who he is, why hasn’t he come looking for me?”

“Would you see him?
 
If he
did
try to get in contact?”

She looked at Kenny and shrugged.
 
“I don’t know.
 
I hadn’t really ever given it any serious thought before.
 
I mean, you hear so many stories about people getting in touch just because you’re now famous and wanting you back in their life, don’t you?
 
Just because of what you can give them.
 
It’s such a minefield, Kenny.
 
Especially now, but ...”

They stopped walking and he turned her round to face her.
 
“But what?”

“Nothing.
 
It doesn’t matter.”

“No, come on,
India
.
 
Part of the reason I’m here is because you wanted to talk and I’m here to listen.
 
I know you’ve got a lot on your mind right now, so, maybe it’ll help just to get it out there.”