No Matter What (42 page)

She sighed.
 
“With the baby and everything ... oh Jesus, I can’t talk about this baby, Kenny.
 
I can’t even think about it.”

“It’d be nice to have a dad around though, wouldn’t it?
 
At a time like this?”
 
He tilted her face up and kissed her quickly.
 
He didn’t really want to think about the fact that she was pregnant either but it wasn’t going to go away.
 
There was so much they both had to face up to and it scared the hell out of him.

“I can’t even begin to think about finding somebody I don’t have the first idea about, Kenny.
 
I have no clue about him.
 
Nobody ever told me anything and right now I’m not into looking for needles in haystacks.
 
There’s too much going on without adding to it.”

He let his arm fall around her shoulders as they continued walking along the damp sand, moving closer to the waters edge, and she clung onto his waist, leaning into him as they walked.
 
She remembered how bleak this place could look in the winter, but as the sun suddenly came out from behind the dark clouds that had threatened rain, it cast a light across the sea that seemed to instantly brighten everything up and she found herself shielding her eyes from the glare.

“You said you didn’t want to think about this baby,
India
.
 
Why?”

“Because I’m scared.”

He stopped walking again and looked at her.
 
“That’s only to be expected, but there’s more to it than just being scared, isn’t there?”

She looked up at him, knowing he shouldn’t be here,
she
shouldn’t be here, she should be back home in L.A. with her fiancé, back in the house they shared, making plans for this child, for their wedding, but suddenly the thought of all that just made her want to run.
 
Terrified didn’t even begin to describe it.
 
How could everything have changed so quickly?
 
In the blink of an eye her whole perspective had changed, or that’s what it felt like, anyway.

“I just don’t know if I’m ready for it all, Kenny.
 
And being a mum ... it’s all going too fast and I should have spoken to Michael before now, before it got this far, but … how can I do that to him?”

“Do what?”

“Oh, I don’t know.
 
How can I let him know that I’m not as excited as he is about becoming a parent?
 
I thought I was.
 
I really did.
 
When Dr Goldman told me I was pregnant I really thought that was it, my life was sorted, I had it all.
 
But nothing’s ever that simple, is it?
 
Things never work out the way you think they will.”

“And what about marrying Michael?”

“I don’t know, Kenny.
 
I just don’t know anymore.”

“Have I made it worse?
 
Coming over here, seeing you ... have I made it worse?”

“No!”
 
She looked at him again.
 
“No, Kenny, no.
 
I
asked
you to come here, I
wanted
you here.”

“And you knew what would happen if I came.
 
Didn’t you?”

She said nothing for a second, looking past him to the vast expanse of sea behind them, the sun skimming off the surface, making her squint slightly.

“
India
?”

She pulled his dark glasses off his face and looked into his eyes.
 
“You knew too, Kenny.
 
You knew what would happen just as much as I did.”

“And I wanted it to happen,” he said quietly.
 
“I wanted this to happen and I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For messing up your life.”

“Kenny ...”

“No, it’s wrong,
India
.
 
This is wrong.”

“So walk away.
 
Go on, walk away.
 
Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want this and we’ll forget about it.
 
It stops right here if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me.”

He looked at her, every ounce of him wanting to do the right thing and stop it dead, right now, just like he should be doing but he couldn’t.
 
If he looked her in the eyes and told her he felt nothing, if he told her he didn’t want this, if he told her he didn’t want to touch her or kiss her, if he told her he didn’t want to make love to her - if he told her any of that he’d be lying.
 
And she’d know it.

He shook his head.
 
“I can’t do that.”

She reached up to touch his face.
 
“You’re freezing.”

He put his hand over hers, looking deep into her eyes.
 
He’d never stopped loving her, not really.
 
He wasn’t sure he ever would.
 
And what they were getting into here was going to hurt so much but if neither of them had the strength to walk away then what could they do?

“You do understand what we’re doing here, don’t you,
India
?”

She nodded, still looking up at him, his hand holding tightly onto hers.

“And you understand that I can’t leave Michael.
 
I won’t leave him.
 
But I can’t do without you.”

He knew that, he knew all of that and it hurt like hell but he knew it.
 
“I know.”

“You’ll always be in my life, Kenny.
 
You’re the one constant thing that I know will always be there and that won’t change.
 
Whatever happens, please don’t let that change.”

He pulled her close, wishing things were different but knowing reality wasn’t always that fair.
 
“I will never be out of your life,
India
.
 
I’ll never, ever leave your life.
 
And that’s a promise.”

“No matter what?”

“No matter what,” he smiled, and she smiled back, a smile that hid just how frightened she really was about what she’d just walked into.
 
Kenny wasn’t safe, he wasn’t reliable, he wasn’t anything Michael was but she needed him so much right now and she couldn’t give him up.
 
Not yet, anyway.

“Come on,” she said, her hand still clinging onto his.
 
“Now the sun’s out it’s not so bad here, is it?”

He smiled too.
 
“No.
 
It’s not.
 
Does it ever get warm though?”

“Sometimes,” she laughed.

They started walking back up the beach, towards another set of steps leading back up onto the footpath.

“Here ...”
India
said, handing Kenny his dark glasses.
 
“Put these back on.”

Without them it was easier to tell who he was and she wanted to avoid that if they could help it.
 
He slipped them back on and squeezed her hand.

“Did you ever think about becoming an actress?
 
Before all of this, I mean?
 
Had it ever been something you’d wanted to do?”
 

“It wasn’t the kind of job they guided us into in our school careers sessions.”
 
She looked at him out the corner of her eye, smiling slightly.
 
“Mind you, there was one particular movie of yours where both me and Charley wouldn’t have minded being your leading lady.”

He smirked.
 
“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, and that’s all the info you’re getting.
 
Your ego’s big enough as it is.”

He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in next to him.
 
“When we get home, that’s when it really starts to get difficult, doesn’t it?”

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder as they walked, her arm tight around his waist.
 
She didn’t really want to think about it, she didn’t want to know how she’d feel when she saw Michael again, when she’d have to pretend that this baby was the most important thing in the world to her when she wasn’t sure that she’d ever feel that way.
 
She was mixed up, confused and tired with the sudden weight of everything that had landed on her shoulders and all she really wanted to do was curl up in a corner and hide away from it all.

She stopped and looked at Kenny.
 
They had so little time left alone now and she wanted to spend that time with him in a way she may never get the chance to do once they were back in
L.A.

“Let’s go back to the hotel.”

He tilted her chin up and kissed her mouth gently.
 
“I like that idea.”

She smiled, both of them knowing these last few hours were precious.
 
Wrong, but precious.
 
But grabbing them with both hands was the only option left before reality hit them right between the eyes.
 
Kenny Ross was back in her life.
 
And
India
had no idea what that now meant.
 
She had no idea at all.

CHAPTER
23

“You’ve got to speak to her, Reece.
 
You’ve got to tell her you’re her father, for fuck’s sake, you can’t keep it quiet forever!
 
It’s getting ridiculous!
 
And you’ve got to speak to her about Kenny.”

Reece looked up at Terry, who was leaning against the wall of his on-set trailer, his arms folded, an agitated look on his face.

“I can’t speak to her until I
see
her, Terry.
 
And why have I got to talk to her about Kenny?”

“Because he was over there in
Britain
with her.”

“He was?”

Terry nodded.

“But, Michael ...”

“Michael’s back here, I know.”

Reece turned round in his chair and looked at Terry.
 
“Ok, I’m slightly confused now.
 
What’s going on?”

“I know as much as you ... I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I think Kenny still wants my sister.
 
I know he still loves her because he told me ...”

Reece held his hands up.
 
“Ok, ok!
 
Will you slow down now, please?”

Terry was up to his eyes in stress.
 
Not only was he worried about just what India was getting herself into, but he’d also managed to track Charley down to the house she shared with Jimmy Cash, thanks to one of Kenny’s contacts who’d let him know she’d regularly been seen leaving a large, gated estate high in the Hollywood Hills.
 
So Terry had driven over there, parked his car outside the house he’d been led to believe she was living in and waited to see if he could catch a glimpse of her.
 
And he’d managed to catch the very briefest of glimpses when a black Chevrolet had driven out of the gates with the back window open.
 
He hadn’t seen her close up but he’d known it was her, even with the blonde hair.
 
He’d known that was Charley.
 

He’d followed the car as it had driven into
L.A.
, into a part of the city he wasn’t familiar with and didn’t feel altogether comfortable in, but he’d wanted – he’d
needed
to see where she was going.
 

The car had stopped outside a row of what looked like old and disused garage buildings but it had been obvious something was happening there due to the amount of vehicles parked outside, and he’d watched from across the street as she’d got out of the car, a tall, dark haired, big built man taking her arm and almost dragging her inside.
 
Terry guessed they were filming in there.

He’d been back every day for the past couple of days.
 
He now knew where she was, and he wasn’t about to lose track of her again.

“Terry?”

Reece’s voice shook him back to reality.

“
India
and Kenny ... what’s the story?
 
What’s going on?”

“Why else would she want him over there, Reece?
 
When Michael’s over here?
 
Why else would she want Michael out of the way?”

Reece sighed.
 
It seemed as though his life was just one huge line-up of complications at the minute.
 
“I don’t know, Terry.
 
I was kind of hoping
you
were going to tell
me
.”

Terry just looked at him as though the answer should be obvious.
 
“I think it’s kicking off again, Reece.
 
India
and Kenny.
 
I think it’s all starting up again.”