Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) (9 page)

I can’t help
the giddy smile on my face as I snuggle into my pillow. I hate the sterile
smell of the hospital, but I hope to fall asleep. I want to get out of here and
home to Austin. I am so consumed in my Austin bubble I don’t notice when Ryan
walks through the door until he speaks. “Hey Ryles, I mean Rylee.”

I am shocked to find him standing here so distraught, but I really
have nothing more for him. “What do you want Ryan?”

He shuffles forward with his hands in his pockets and his
head low. “Rylee, I um, well I wanted to make sure you are ok and I want to apologize.”
Looking into his eyes, I can see the distress and decide to listen to what he
has to say.

“Ok, well I am fine. Apparently dehydration, exhaustion, and
stress are a bad combination.” He looks at me with concern and confusion.

Ryan seems unsure how to proceed so I urge him along. “Say
what you need to Ryan, I am tired.”

He motions toward the chair silently asking if he can sit,
and I oblige. “Rylee, there is so much I want to say to you. Things I have
tried to say for years. First, I need to apologize for that night. I was a
coward and took the easy way out. You deserved better. You always deserved
better.” I am intrigued by the genuine tone in his voice but choose only to
shrug my shoulders.

“Ryles, shit I’m sorry, old habits die hard. Rylee, I screwed
up with you. I heard every word you said tonight and, I want you to know, you
are wrong. You were always enough. There was never a time you were not enough.
It was me. I changed when we moved to Houston. I became consumed with the fame
and money that came with my starting role. You were so busy between school and
planning the wedding, I don’t think you saw it. You always supported me and I
resented that you weren’t consumed with the things I was. When Cami came along,
I liked that she was obsessed with my position and money. She wanted me for
what I mistakenly thought was important.” He pauses to assess my reaction, which
is one of disbelief at this point.

“I realized my mistake shortly after I married her and had
the marriage annulled. It became clear that the unconditional support, love,
and understanding you gave me were what were important. I messed up so bad Ry.
I tried reaching out to you several times only to be met by the force of nature
that is the boys who protect you. Jeremy, Bode, and even Eric made it abundantly
clear I would never get near you. I tried calling, showing up, and even sent
flowers a time or two.”

He notices the shock on my face as I process this new
information. “I had no idea Ryan, I really didn’t.”

He gives me a shy smile before continuing, “You can’t blame
them. I would have done the same thing. I didn’t deserve a second chance. I
still don’t deserve it. But, true to form, you are here listening to me ramble
when you should throw me out. You are truly the best Ryles.”

I stare into his eyes to see a broken soul. All this time I
thought he walked away from me and never looked back. I am not surprised J and
Bode didn’t let him near me, but I am pissed they didn’t at least tell me about
it. “Ryan I don’t know what to say. Thank you for being honest with me it means
a lot.” I mean that, the fact he is sitting here bearing his soul shows me I
wasn’t wrong to love him once upon a time.

“I always said, if I ever had the opportunity, I would beg
you for another chance. However, lucky for you I heard the last of your
conversation when I walked in. I assume you were talking to Austin,” he pauses
and I nod. “If he can make you smile and your eyes light up like that over the
phone, while you are in the hospital, you must love him.”

The thought of Austin makes me happy, and I smile giving a small
head tilt that confirms for Ryan that I am in love with Austin.

“Well, if he ever screws up or you need a friend I will be around.
Considering he made you fall in love with him without ever taking you on a date
I will have to bow down to his mad skills,” he says with a wink.

It is hard to fathom that in a matter of a few hours I have
gone from despising the man in front of me to acceptance where he is concerned.
I loved Ryan, and we shared a lot of wonderful times I can let take over my
memory of him now. I have done what I came here to do. My past with Ryan can be
just that, the past. It feels like a burden has lifted from my heart leaving me
free to move forward.

I reach out and squeeze his hand. “I can tell you one thing,
Ryan, you definitely made things a lot harder for Austin. Mad skills, or not, I
have put him through the ringer. I actually came here looking for you. I had it
in my head that if I could confront you I could move on. I really had no idea
how this would turn out.”

Shock and a little mischief flash in his green eyes. “You
were looking for me huh? I guess I will take that as a good sign.”

I can’t help laughing and feel a little relief as Ryan’s
bravado returns. “Ryan, I appreciate you coming here and telling me everything.
I am glad I can leave here and leave my hatred for you behind.”

His face falls slightly at the mention of hatred. “I will
take that for now, but I won’t let it be another four years before I see you
again.” That statement seems odd, but I will chalk it up to the long night we
have all endured.

“We’ll see Ryan. Only time will tell.” He stands up and
kisses my hand just as Bode walks back in.

“Ryan I told you to stay the fuck away from her,” Bode yells
as he rushes towards Ryan.

“Bode, let it go. He came here to apologize and give me the
answers I asked for.” He turns to look at me and Ryan gives me a mock salute as
he makes his way around Bode and out of my life.

Bode eyes me suspiciously, “Are you sure everything is ok?”

 Letting out the breath, I didn’t know I was holding I nod, “I
am fine. You and J, however, have some explaining to do. But not tonight
because I am exhausted and need sleep.”

The guilty look on his face tells me he knows exactly what I
am referring to. Instead of pushing anything he sits down in the chair, turns
on the television, props his feet up on my bed, and tells me to sleep.

I am
released from the hospital the next morning and Bode takes me back to the cabin
to gather my things. We don’t talk much. I am still reeling from the fact he
and J kept so much from me. As much as I would like to ask Bode about it, my
brother was the ringleader, and the one who needs to explain.

After a shower and a light lunch, Bode and I head for the
airport. I managed to get on an earlier flight home. I chose not to tell Austin
wanting to talk to Jeremy and bury the past for the last time. I will be ready
for more with Austin when I show up on his doorstep this time.

Bode’s silence in the car is making me nervous. No matter
what happened in the past I adore Bode, he is like a brother. Unable to let
things stay awkward I speak up, “Hey, you ok Bode? You are way to quiet.”

He glances over at me, “Yeah baby girl, I’m ok. I have a lot
on my mind, and I was a little afraid you weren’t speaking to me,” he says with
a slight smile.

I place a reassuring hand on his leg. “Darling, I will always
speak to you. I mean, you are my bestie and all, you know,” I squeeze slightly
causing his leg to jump.

He smiles before a slight sadness seems to cloud his strong
features. “Yeah besties,” he mumbles under his breath.

I decide to let that go unsure of what the issue is. “Are you
sure you don’t want to come home with me,” I say hoping he will reconsider. I
don’t like leaving him here alone in the funk he seems to be in.

He takes my hand off his leg and places on the console
between us. “No Ry, I need to stay here and clear my head. I will see you in
New York though.”

He is referring to the draft, which is two weeks away and the
equivalent of my Super Bowl. “All right, if you are sure I guess I will let you
stay.”

After hugging Bode goodbye, I walk away with a heavy heart. I
can tell something is off between us, and I do not think it has anything to do
with Ryan’s revelations. I board the plane taking my seat next to the window and
hope I can get a little rest on the way home. My eyes close to visions of a
future with Austin, one that just might come true before the day is over.

A brutal nine hours later, I am finally home and waiting for
a chance to clear the air with J before heading over to see Austin. I settle on
taking a hot shower to rid myself of the day’s travels and change into my black
yoga pants and a blue V-neck t-shirt. Descending the stairs, I find J sitting
on the couch watching basketball. I swing through the kitchen and grab a couple
beers before taking a seat in the recliner to his right.

I hand J one beer, and I can tell he is trying to avoid this
conversation. He looks at me crookedly, “So, how was your trip?”

Not eager to argue with my big brother I humor the banter. “It
was fine. You know, a dinner out, some clubbing, a night in the hospital. All
good things,” I say with sarcasm.

At the hospital mark, J’s face twists and his nonchalance
disappears. “Ry, I am so glad you are ok, but I won’t apologize for keeping him
away from you.” I can see anger mixed with pain in his eyes, and I know J would
never do anything to hurt me. J is without a doubt the one person in the world
I can count on. I have known that since I was seven.      

I take a deep breath to consider how important this part of
the past is to my future. “J, I don’t expect you to apologize for keeping him
away from me. I would never expect that. What I don’t understand though is why.
When you knew how much I was hurting, you didn’t at least tell me he tried to
contact me. I spent the last four years believing he walked away without ever
looking back. You could’ve told me.” As I finish tears well in my eyes, and my
voice cracks. I am a little surprised just how hurt I feel. I can’t say knowing
Ryan tried to reach out would have changed anything, but I think I deserved to know.

Jeremy gets up, takes a seat on the arm of the recliner next
to me, and pulls me into a hug. As I cry my eyes out, he strokes my hair and quietly
apologizes. “I am so sorry baby girl. I didn’t want to give him the chance to
hurt you again. I never thought knowing might change your perspective. You were
the best thing to ever happen to that shitbag. It never occurred to me you
needed the reassurance.”

I hear the sincerity in my brother’s voice and I realize that
I am the one who allowed Ryan to ruin parts of me. It is time I take
responsibility for that.

I breathe through the sobs and squeeze J tight trying to calm
myself. I can tell he is watching the end of the game over my head and I can’t
help chuckling, boys and their sports. The truth is, I don’t care what he is
doing, he is here, and he always has been. I wipe the tears from my face as I
pull away from him and he smiles his reassuring big brother smile, “I love you
baby girl.”

I smile back, “I know you do, and I still wish you would have
told me, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m not sure how to overcome the
feeling of not being enough sometimes, you know.”

He looks at me with acceptance, “Ry, of course I know how you
feel. I lived our childhood too, but at some point you need to realize that our
parents were pieces of shit and nothing in the world we did would have ever
pleased them. I won’t say I don’t have a few down days myself, but those only
come if I think I will disappoint my real family: you, Bode, Eric, or my
teammates.”

He takes a deep breath running a hand through his hair as I
ponder how to respond. Then he continues, “Ry, we were never the problem, we
were always enough. They were the ones who didn’t deserve us, they were not enough,
hell they weren’t anything. So please stop giving them control over our lives.”
With that, he chugs the rest of his beer and walks to the kitchen.

I take a few moments to compose myself before repeating his
performance of slamming the beer and walking into the kitchen. Jeremy is
standing with his hands on the counter and head hung low as I walk up and put a
hand on his tense shoulder. “Thank you J, you are right as always, and I am
sorry I made you go through it again. I love you more than you will ever believe
and am so grateful I for you.”

He stands stone still before finally raising his head and
giving me a small smile. “I love you too baby girl, now do you have time for
one more beer before you go off chasing the pretty boy QB?”

I nod, “Absolutely!”                    

J and I end up splitting a six-pack and laughing at re-runs
on television. I have missed spending time with my brother. He is the one who
keeps me grounded. Before I realize it, it is almost ten o’clock and I haven’t heard
from Austin. I grab my phone expecting to find a message or two, but am shocked
to see none. I guess he is just expecting me to come by like I said I would. I
am still surprised since my original plane was scheduled to land hours ago. I
thank J for the talk, give him a big hug before grabbing my flip-flops, and
head for the door.

J is watching Boss tonight so I grab my keys and my purse and
head out to the garage. Climbing into my car, I am incredibly nervous because
this short ride will change everything. I check my appearance in the rear-view
mirror, and despite the growing bags under my eyes, I am satisfied with my
appearance. With a deep breath, I pull out of the garage and head towards my
future with a smile in my heart for the first time in years.