Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (23 page)

D
ATING IS HARD
enough! If you want to make it even harder, just put on fifteen, twenty, or fifty pounds. Like it or not, we live in a thin-obsessed world where guys have their pick of girls, so most prefer a thin girlfriend, not an overweight one. By thin, we don’t mean anorexic, just slender and fit. The clinical definition of overweight is 10 percent more than your recommended body weight. So if you are 150-plus pounds when you should be 135, you are technically overweight. Of course, what guys want should not be the only reason to look good—eating right is not about being a size 2 or 4—you want to look good for you, for your confidence and self-esteem. But since this is a dating book, not a diet book, what guys think counts as well. Besides, when you get in shape for yourself, you can be a confident Creature Unlike Any Other—your feeling good is attractive, too!

We polled dozens of college-aged guys as well as guys twenty-five and older, and they all said the same thing. They do not want to go out with an overweight girl. Call it sexist, unfair, or shallow, but it’s the truth! An average-looking slender girl has a better chance of attracting a guy than a very pretty overweight girl. Here are some comments from guys:

“There is nothing sexy or appealing about a very overweight girl.”

“Would I go out with an overweight girl? No. I would just be her friend.”

“If she’s fifteen pounds heavier because she got chunky on a semester abroad in Spain, I would go out with her because she’ll probably lose the weight. But if she’s been very overweight her whole life, then no.”

“An overweight girl is thought of as someone who doesn’t even try. Just about everyone works out—why can’t she? ”

“If a girl doesn’t like herself enough to diet and exercise, why should I?”

“I won’t date anyone who won’t wear a two-piece bathing suit!”

If you are not happy with how you look, you might want to consider doing something to change that. We are not trying to make you feel bad—and please don’t get upset as you are reading this—we just want to be honest about how your appearance can affect you socially. We want to explain why eating right and exercising can sometimes make the difference between going out on a date and sitting home alone on a Saturday night.

Courtney, twenty-nine, blew up from a size 10 to a size 16 in her freshman year and also blew any chance of dating the cute guys she had crushes on. She was nervous about school and turned to food to calm herself down. She ate huge meals in the dining hall, candy bars in between classes, and late-night
pizza. She had no dates. The only time she was with a guy was when they were drunk and she met them in their room after a party at 2 a.m. They didn’t even take her to the party—she was just the late-night hookup girl. All the guys she hung out with would say, “You’re really nice, but I just like you as a friend” or “I don’t like you that way” or “I like you like a sister.” She was so depressed she could barely study, so she ended up having to transfer to a less academically competitive school. But Courtney didn’t want to start at a new school being overweight, so she started working out and lost thirty-five pounds over the summer. In fact, she met her first real boyfriend at the gym. Her weight loss, combined with the confidence it brought her, changed her dating status for good.

Nikki, thirty, told us that when she was in college, she couldn’t get from lunch to dinner without stopping at the vending machines. She said her self-esteem was “in the toilet” and she couldn’t get the cute guys she really wanted, so she took what she could get. One guy who liked Nikki actually told her roommate to tell her that he would go out with her if she lost twenty-five pounds, so she did. But she would take off the weight and then put it right back on. She was a yo-yo dieter. After graduation, Nikki finally lost her extra weight for good through a strict low-carbohydrate food plan and group support. She realized that she had been using food to deal with school stress and social anxiety. By putting food in its proper place, she started dating and met the man who is now her husband.

Stress. Workload. Social anxiety. Low self-esteem. Not having a boyfriend. A bad breakup. Depression. Fear. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling not good enough, not smart enough, or not pretty enough are some of the most common reasons why women of all ages binge on food. Rationalizing that you
are young and have the rest of your life to lose weight and exercise is also common, especially in college. Add to that an unlimited dining hall menu, vending machines, snack bars, and deliveries at any hour—and you have a recipe for disaster. Experts say if you want to know why you use food the way you do, the answer will reveal itself if you simply stop overeating! Underneath the food are usually negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, or self-hatred that you want to make disappear or medicate with Oreos.

Find a food plan that works for you. Whatever food plan or program you choose, realize that you are going to replace food with something better, be it exercise, a new hobby or interest, dating, a spiritual way of life, or all of the above! When you are not overeating or hating yourself, you will have more time and energy to make friends, do your work, and, of course, date.

Obviously, there is no shortage of diet programs and theories out there. We think half the battle is changing the way you eat. The other half is changing the way you think. Instead of thinking that fun is a hot fudge sundae, you should think that fun is fitting into your favorite jeans and being asked out by a guy you think is cute. Instead of thinking that you can eat whatever you want now and work it off tomorrow, you should think, “No dessert now and hot body sooner rather than later.” Instead of thinking that nothing beats donuts dipped in butter cream, think nothing beats being in a bikini on the beach. Think long term. Being disciplined with food will help you be disciplined with dating, work or school assignments, time, money, and everything else. Dieting and
The Rules
are very similar in that not eating and not texting right away, for example, are both about delayed gratification.

Weight gain, not looking good, not feeling good, and even
not having a boyfriend are only short-term consequences. Long term, overweight women can lose a whole decade of dating. Why? There are a ton of guys to meet in college, but afterward, the pool of eligible bachelors dwindles drastically. So if you didn’t have any boyfriends in college because you weren’t happy with your body, then you may not start dating until your twenties and or even thirties when you finally take dieting, exercise, and your health seriously. Your friends might be engaged or married with children and you will first start going on dates or joining dating websites. Being overweight can make most women depressed and want to chase guys and break other
Rules
, too. Some of our clients in their thirties and forties missed out on having boyfriends and sex when they were younger because they were too busy hating their bodies. They had to learn everything later in life. Don’t let this happen to you!

Here are some of our favorite tried-and-true diet tips for college and beyond:

• If you can’t handle the unlimited portions and temptations of a cafeteria food plan, cancel your contract and get a refrigerator and microwave in your room.
  Buy and prepare your own healthy meals.
  
• Don’t be afraid to use a digital scale and measuring cups to portion out your food; it will keep you honest.
  It’s too easy to lie to yourself and eat three servings instead of one when you are upset about a guy or overwhelmed with work or just plain tired.
  
• If you choose to count calories, remember that not all calories are equal.
  For example, a 100-calorie apple is more nutritious and filling than a 100-calorie cookie or 100-calorie can of light beer, so make smart choices.
  
• If restaurants throw you off your diet, tell the waiter or waitress to skip the bread basket.
  Order a salad instead of a fattening appetizer like mozzarella sticks. Order grilled fish, chicken, or meat (nothing fried) and vegetables instead of a starch. Order fruit instead of dessert and drink diet soda or seltzer instead of the more caloric regular soda and/or mind-altering alcohol.
  
• When you go to parties or weddings where food will be served, eat before you leave home so you are not ravenous or tempted when you arrive.
  That way you can fill up on something healthy. Eating before you go also will free you up to mingle, dance, and be approached by a cute guy instead of being glued to the buffet table or snack bowl at the bar.
  
• When you are working, keep healthy snacks like baby carrots and apples around so you are full and don’t hit the vending machines or order something unhealthy.
  Even Jackie Kennedy Onassis carried carrot sticks in her purse to snack on when she was hungry! Her healthy habits in no way diminished her stature as First Lady and fashion icon, so you shouldn’t be embarrassed to do the same.
  
• Learn to eat healthy with a friend.
  Make sure it’s someone you trust and someone with the same point of view as you. You can call her when you feel like bingeing or when you have a feeling or problem that you might
  normally eat over. You can send her your food and exercise plan so you are held accountable for the good choices you are making.
  
• Keep a journal or a log with your daily food intake, as well as your thoughts.
  Writing down what you eat will help you stay honest with yourself. Writing down how you feel or what is bothering you will help you get it out so you don’t cover it up with food.
  
• Add up how much money you are spending on binge food,
  including pizza deliveries, gourmet restaurants, and ice cream runs—not to mention having to buy more clothes because nothing fits. Doing so will help cut any denial about how much bingeing is costing you. If it’s $10 or more a day, that’s $10 you could be spending on healthy habits like manicures and pedicures or going to see a movie. Also add up the emotional cost of being overweight—missed classes and bad grades from being hung over from late-night binges, being the last to have a boyfriend, not having a date to the prom or sorority dance, etc.
  
• Be careful about low-fat or low-calorie foods from health food stores or frozen-yogurt places.
  These treats are usually filled with sugar or sugar substitutes—they do not offer the same nutritional value that real foods do and can actually be quite caloric. These fake foods must be eaten in small portions or not at all. They have sneaky ingredients like dextrose and sucrose and are sometimes even addictive.
  
• Don’t try crash diets, juice fasts, starvation, or anything extreme.
  Don’t binge and purge or take laxatives. Don’t
  have black coffee and a cigarette for breakfast. Most diet organizations recommend a weight-reducing food plan consisting of three meals a day (1,200 to 1,500 calories) with or without a snack or two.
  
• Don’t read, study, watch TV, talk on the phone, or do anything else while
  eating
  .
  Eventually you will associate food with that activity and feel hungry whenever you are doing it. Food is not a companion or a recreational activity. When you eat your meals, sit down at the table; once you’ve finished, the kitchen closes and you move into another room or on to another activity. Separate eating from living!
  
• Weigh yourself once a week or once a month—not every day and certainly not three times a day.
  Don’t become a slave to the scale. If you gain a pound or two because of your period or water weight, you might end up feeling like your healthy eating plan is not working and use that as excuse to console yourself with food. Also, remember that weight comes off quickly the first month or two of a diet and then slows down, so don’t expect to drop ten pounds a month every month! Remember that healthy eating is a way of life. Don’t focus too much on weight loss; instead, focus on the fact that you are taking care of yourself and feel better now than when you were bingeing—not only that, but your clothes fit better and guys are paying more attention to you, too.
  

Julia, thirty-two, gained twenty-five pounds after a really bad breakup. She desperately wanted to get fit again and start dating, but didn’t know where to begin. Join a gym? Buy a treadmill? Run at the local high school? Join a matchmaking
service? Put up an online profile? She couldn’t decide. We gave Julia a food plan and told her to walk once around the block. We told her it was a great start and even though it wasn’t much, she’d start to feel the benefits of getting physical activity. The next day Julia walked two blocks, and then ten, and then a mile. Three months later she e-mailed us that she had lost fifteen pounds and had signed up to run in a half marathon. She also met a cute guy when she joined a runners’ club and they are now engaged. We are big believers in baby steps. Make a decision to do something, start somewhere, and see what happens!

Let’s face it, exercise doesn’t appeal to everyone. It can be hard, repetitious, and even boring! But exercise curbs your appetite, speeds up weight loss, tones your body, and releases endorphins—all great things! Sometimes it can be your best medicine. We’ve had clients who have started seeing a therapist and asked for an antidepressant. After consulting with us and going on a sensible diet with a workout plan, the depression lifted and they didn’t even think about taking medication. Between academic or professional and social pressures, you need some kind of release; the endorphins you get from exercise can improve your mood and your whole outlook!