Read Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating Online
Authors: Ellen Fein,Sherrie Schneider
Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Love & Romance
Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (27 page)
Q: How do you get a guy to pick a day for the date? Sometimes I feel like I have to say when I’m available just to stop the conversation from going around in circles.
A: Many women ask this question. Invariably when a guy calls or texts to ask them out, they go back and forth so much that the women just want to say, “I’m free Saturday night!” But
The Rules
way is to let him say it no matter how many exchanges it takes, lest you seem too eager. So here’s how to handle it: If a guy says, “Hey, want to go out sometime?” you should just say, “Sure, that sounds good.” Then when he says, “Okay, when you are free?” you should say, “Well, when did you have in mind?” He might say. “How’s tomorrow, Tuesday night for drinks?” Of course, being a
Rules
Girl, you would have to say no to a last-minute date: “So sorry, but I already have plans.” He might say, “Then how’s Wednesday night?” You have to say, “Actually, work is really crazy this week!” Then he will probably say, “Okay, so how’s your weekend?” You say, “The weekend is good,” but not any specific date. Then he says, “Okay, how’s your Friday night look?” Then unfortunately you have to say, “Actually I may have plans Friday night.” Then when he says “Saturday night” you can finally say, “Sure, Saturday night would be great!” No matter what, don’t mention the night of the week—he has to bring it up. Remember, he has to fish and hunt, otherwise it will be too easy and he will get bored.
Q: We went on a couple of dates—it’s been going really well. But I have an upcoming business trip and am going to be out of town for a while. How do I keep the flow going so this break doesn’t disrupt our relationship? Can I text him when I get back?
A: You don’t—and no! A guy keeps the flowing going, not you. If you go away on a business trip or vacation, you are gone! If you contact him, it might seem like you are not having any fun on your trip. If he contacts you, you can chat for five to ten minutes before you have to go do something better. Don’t text him photos of the beach or the sunrise. Don’t buy him a T-shirt, you are so busy! Even if your trip was lousy—you got food poisoning, it rained, the plane was delayed—don’t contact him.
You should not contact him when you return either. He should be marking down the day you return and nailing you down for a date. Let him meet you at the airport or show up at your door when you arrive. If he wants to, he will figure out how to stay in touch and see you again!
Q: The guy I like asked me a week in advance for a date—more than enough time! I agreed to go, but I didn’t hear anything else from him for the rest of the week leading up to it. Can I text him to reconfirm? What if he doesn’t give me the specifics (where and when) until that day?
A: No, you cannot reconfirm! You are too busy to even notice that he hasn’t given you the details. If he doesn’t tell you specifics until the night before or day of, oh well. Just be prepared to go and if he blows you off,
have a plan B. Confirming shows way too much interest—and weakness.
Rules
Girls don’t need to do it; they are cool and go with the flow. Even if you are the type who confirms everything—plane reservations, manicure appointments, lunch with your BFF or your mother—don’t do it with a guy!
20
Rules
That Bear Repeating
- Don’t talk about
The Rules
!
In this sense,
The Rules
are kind of like
Fight Club
. You definitely shouldn’t tell any guy you are dating or want to date that you are doing
The Rules
or how they should be dating you in order to comply with them. He has to figure it out himself! Furthermore, you don’t need to tell any of your girlfriends about them either if you don’t want to. In fact, if you don’t think your girlfriends will be helpful, encouraging, and supportive, we don’t think you should. - What if you just found out about
The Rules
?
If you’ve been texting a guy nonstop and just found this book, it’s not too late! Don’t worry that he’ll think you’re uninterested or rude if you suddenly cut your interactions down—he’ll just think you’re busy or out with other guys. Haven’t you ever gotten suddenly swamped and had no time to write back to your girlfriends? Pretend that’s the case now, even if it’s not! Whatever you’re doing now, whether it’s seeing him too much, going away with him for too long, or responding to
his messages too late,
cut back
. Start doing
The Rules
today—see what happens! - Rules
for turning a friend into a boyfriend.
If a guy isn’t asking you out, he’s not romantically interested. But if you want to know for sure, you might mention that you are thinking about putting up a profile on
Match.com
and see how he reacts. Is he encouraging, or does he try to talk you out of it? You can also start being too busy to text him back or to hang out and see if that makes him miss you and possibly ask you out. If none of these subtle tactics work, you can casually ask him if he likes you as a friend or as more than a friend so you know once and for all! We think it’s okay to ask this question for clarity, but if he says he likes you, you still need to do
The Rules
on him after that, even though you are such good friends. If he says he doesn’t, you can just move on; there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend if he’s not interested in you. - Rules
for the mature woman.
If you’re older or consider yourself “old-school,” then some of
The Rules
are probably easy for you to master, like not reaching out to him first and not sleeping with him too soon. Some of them might not even apply, like rarely writing on his wall and video chatting with him only once every three times he asks. But all that this means is that you must work harder on other changes that could be preventing you from meeting Mr. Right. Here are our best tips for a woman divorced, widowed, or who never found her Prince Charming to being with: Don’t stay home with a book, knitting, or your flatscreen! Get out there and socialize, even if you have to go to a singles party alone. Be youthful about your attitude and appearance. Grow
your hair a little longer and wear big hoops, a short skirt, and heels—long hair and hot outfits can shave ten to twenty years off your age. Think positive! You are a CUAO—any man would be lucky to meet you! - Rules
for same-sex relationships.
With all the attention paid to gay marriages today, you may forget to pay attention to how to
behave
in a same-sex relationship. There are still
Rules
, they just promote a little more camaraderie and mutuality; there’s some more balance. The
spirit
of
The Rules
still applies: you should never show all your cards, pursue anyone relentlessly, or erase all boundaries. - How do you compete with all the other
Rules
Girls out there?
You don’t! You’re looking at dating the wrong way if this thought crosses your mind.
The Rules
aren’t about trying to win against other
Rules
Girls or even non-
Rules
Girls. They’re about attracting the man right
for you
. You have to put a little faith in it and trust that he’ll find you! Worry more about weeding out buyer bewares, and ultimately staying with Mr. Right. - If he doesn’t call, text, or otherwise get in touch with you, he’s not that interested.
Period! No excuses! - If he’s dating others, you should, too.
It’s not exclusive until he brings it up and a discussion is had. If he’s got a chance to choose someone else over you, don’t you want that opportunity as well? We think so! - Avoid certain words and language.
Don’t talk about your needs, your long-term plan, or what you deserve. Don’t use words like “nurturing,” “relationship,” “bonding,” “commitment,” “serious,” or anything that reminds you of a wedding. Keep it light—you don’t want to scare him off too quickly! - Don’t be jealous if his ex-girlfriend texts him or writes on his Facebook wall.
As long as he’s not the one initiating contact and making an effort to continue the friendship with her, you have nothing to worry about! - Act as if you have no idea how cool Mr. Cool is.
If a fraternity president, varsity team captain, VIP, or even a celebrity is interested in you, it’s best to act like you don’t know who he is. Don’t gush and say things like “I’ve heard so much about you!” or “I can’t believe you’re talking to me!” These reactions will make you sound like a groupie, not like a
Rules
Girl. The trick is to act like he is an average Joe. Remember, he is used to women spoiling him by fawning over him, hanging out with him whenever he asks, and becoming close with his awesome friends. That’s why these heartthrobs get bored and move on.
The Rules
still apply! Because these guys can get any girl they want, they want the girl who appears uninterested. - The first and second dates can be on any weeknight, but the third date (and pretty much every date thereafter) should be on a Saturday night.
If he keeps asking you out, but not for the right date, keep turning him down with “Wow, that sounds great, but I already have plans” or “During the week is really crazy” until he gets the hint and asks for Saturday (date night) night. It might take a few exchanges for him to figure it out, but anything is better than accepting a casual during-the-week date or offering up Saturday night to him on a silver platter. Remember, guys love a challenge! - Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
This
Rule
is plain and simple and is not to be broken! You want to be with a guy who is thinking about you
enough to plan in advance—that’s a guy who is ultimately going to want to be exclusive and commit to you. Sure, spontaneity can be very fun, but don’t confuse a spontaneous guy with a guy who might just be bored or might have had another girl cancel on him. Besides,
Rules
Girls lead busy lives; of course you’ve already made weekend plans by the time Thursday rolls around! If he asks you too late in the week to accept, don’t reprimand him. Just say that you wish you were available! - Stay calm if he teases you.
He may text you to hang out on short notice and write back, “Okay, Ms. Popularity” when you tell him you already have plans, or he might say something like “I’ll take you to Nantucket this summer, if we’re still dating then…” Guys love teasing, even if they really like you! Don’t get paranoid or angry—just ignore him. He probably expects to get a rise out of you, and it’s best if you surprise him by doing the exact opposite—don’t react! - Don’t meet him halfway. If he won’t travel to see you, then you just don’t see him.
Don’t worry about being rude or selfish—the
Rule
is that he should arrange his schedule around you. Tell him you just can’t get away. Tell him you’re super busy and can meet only near your office or in your neighborhood. You’ll actually be doing him a favor by making him excited about seeing you! He’ll realize right away that he’s going to have to work hard to see you and you aren’t just going to fall into his lap like other girls who might have spoiled him in the past. - Stop dating him if he skips your birthday or the holidays.
How a man behaves on these occasions (and
other special ones, like when you get a promotion) is a good barometer of how he feels about you. A guy who really likes you won’t hesitate to change his plans to be under the mistletoe with you on Christmas or to ensure that you’re his midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve. He not only remembers your birthday, he wants to spend it with you and make it special. Such instances are just another time when the guy who likes you will plan in advance. In fact, he might plan something special for no reason at all! Regarding gifts,
Rules
Girls are
not
gold diggers, but we are looking for romance. Jewelry is the most romantic gift of all, but flowers, a stuffed animal, a book of poetry, or a weekend getaway—all these show he cares about you, too. If you once mentioned you like Beyoncé, maybe he’ll take you to a concert. He’ll give you his varsity jacket or have a star named for you. He’ll buy you a greeting card and write a love note inside it! It’s never about the cost—just the thoughtfulness and meaning behind it. Also take note of how he signs his note. “Love” and “xoxo” are preferable to “best” or “yours truly.” And in the end, all you have to do is say thanks! Guys who are crazy about you don’t need a special thank-you—it is their pleasure to shower you with love. If he gives you a gift card to the bookstore with a card signed “sincerely” and expects you to gush over it, he may not be the guy for you. - Don’t live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
We understand that dating today has become much more casual than it was when we first wrote
The Rules
. But we stand firm in believing that you shouldn’t move in with a man until you’ve set a wedding date.
Living together is not a trial period for either of you to see how you really feel about the relationship, and it’s not a solution that’s going to fix your relationship or force him to commit either. He might just be a time waster looking for someone to split the rent! Besides, how can you play hard to get when you’re literally available every moment of every day? You can’t! Furthermore, don’t just show up at his place with a flatiron and feminine-hygiene products unless he specifically asks you to and clears out space for you; otherwise he might feel like you are invading his space. Not bringing your laptop or phone charger will also help you end your time with him first because you’ll have to go home to get on with your day! - Don’t tell him what to do and don’t expect him to change or try to change him.
Men like to feel in control—the average guy wants to spend his time with a girl who makes him feel good or better about himself. He doesn’t ever want to feel emasculated or inadequate! Don’t push plans, fashion styles, or hobbies on him—and don’t try to break him of his bad habits. Men never
really
change; either accept his annoyances and flaws or find someone else. - End a relationship or stop seeing someone you like but aren’t crazy about.
We think you should go on a couple of dates with a guy to ensure that you really know how you feel about him. But as soon as you’re sure he’s not for you, you can just tell him that. Say, “I think you’re super fun, but I just don’t feel a spark,” or “I’m sorry, I don’t think we are on the same page.” You shouldn’t keep dating someone you don’t want a future with—it’s not good for either of you, and it’s not fair. - Be easy to be with.
The Rules
are about playing hard to get—but once you’ve got him, they’re about being easy to be with. Take the energy you put into being a mystery, and now put it into being a pleasure. Be kind, considerate, and patient. A
Rules
Girl is one who goes with the flow! That’s not to say that you should let him win every disagreement or always get his way; you shouldn’t. But take care to think of his side of a situation and he will do the same for you.