Nothing but Smoke (Fire and Rain) (18 page)

For a long moment, they stood there, entwined but barely moving. Nicky could practically hear Michael’s brain going a mile a minute, coming up with ways to justify or validate or otherwise intellectualize what they were about to do.

Nicky could have grabbed Michael’s dick and urged things along, but Nicky didn’t want to. He needed Michael to be the one to make the next move, the next decision. Nicky refused to be in this alone. If he was sacrificing his body at the altar of their fledgling relationship, the least Michael could do was accept his gift with enthusiasm.

“Okay.” Michael cupped Nicky’s jaw. For the first time since the doorway, his eyes met Nicky’s. They’d gone gray with emotion. “Okay, Nicky,” he whispered. “I will.”

As Michael leaned in to kiss him, he tried to silence the bleating voice in his head that screamed
run
. Feelings this intense weren’t real. They were like mushrooms or ecstasy, artificial and fleeting and left you wrung out and empty afterwards.

Michael had never been interested in drugs. Not even freshman year in college when it seemed most people were stoned constantly. No, his drug of choice back then had been Mark. His closeted, uncaring ex who always left Michael feeling so high he never wanted to come down.

There’d been no safety net, no agreement between him and Mark for Michael to hold on to, and maybe that was what made it so exciting. Now, hope for a relationship dangled just out of reach. That was almost worse than not having it at all. Because what if Michael really did fall? He’d expect Nicky to catch him, and maybe—like Mark had done again and again—Nicky would pull away when Michael needed him most.

Nicky’s mouth opened under Michael’s, and their tongues tangled. Michael kissed like he could take that control back, like he could pull in the reins on his feelings until Nicky was the one panting and Michael didn’t feel any longer like the world had slipped from under his feet.

In a quick shuffle, Michael dragged his clothes off. He couldn’t touch Nicky enough. The scruff of hair on Nicky’s chest, leading in a thin trail down his stomach. The cock jutting forward, batting against Michael’s. He pushed Nicky to get him on his back on the bed, and before Michael could get swept away, he climbed on top.

He thrust into Nicky’s hip, savoring the sensation of them together. In four years, Michael hadn’t gotten his heart involved when he had sex with a guy. Now his ribs felt too tight, like they couldn’t contain everything he wanted to give.

“But slow, okay?” Michael couldn’t handle fast. The sex would burn too bright, leave him hung over and empty.

“Yeah.” Nicky wrapped his legs around Michael’s back. Their cocks rubbed together, already familiar and yet deliciously new.

“God.” Michael ran his palm down Nicky’s back and grabbed a handful of meaty rear. He might have felt like his soul was being ripped out of his body, but he could still appreciate the very physical sensation of heat and power in his palm. “You have the greatest ass.”

Nicky’s leg hair was sparse and ended with a little tuft right behind his balls. So different from the waxed-and-groomed guys Michael knew from school and from clubs. Maybe it was his mom’s hippie influence, but Michael had always liked hair on a guy. It held their smell and tickled Michael’s skin.

Michael teased Nicky’s crease with slow passes of his fingertips. “You like this?” He eased them onto their sides, facing each other, so he could watch the emotions play out on Nicky’s face.

“Oh God.” Nicky twisted to bury his face in the pillow.

“No.” Michael touched his jaw. “Want you to look at me.”

Slowly, Nicky turned his head.

“Wanna see you when I get you open.” Michael rolled up to get supplies out of his messenger bag, flicking off the light in the process. When the room was dim, with only light filtering around the crack in the door, Michael eased back so he and Nicky faced each other.

“Now, where were we?” Michael poured some lube on his hand, taking longer than necessary so he could watch nerves battle with excitement on Nicky’s face.

“Um?”

Reaching around Nicky’s hip, Michael wiped the lube into Nicky’s crease. He teased and pressed, getting closer and closer to Nicky’s opening. “Lift your leg.”

Nicky whimpered, but cocked his knee up to widen his thighs.

Michael eased closer to kiss him gently, then reached between his legs. With a single fingertip, he pushed inside. Nicky clamped down immediately and humped at Michael’s forearm like he’d come in a second.

“Hey.” Michael swatted Nicky’s rump. “Slow down.” Now that they were this far, Michael didn’t want Nicky shooting before Michael was buried inside him. Michael needed that closeness.

“Okay.” Nicky’s forehead crumpled and he bit his lip—all the encouragement Michael needed to keep pushing.

“Now, I want you to stay loose this time. Let me all the way in.”

Though Nicky nodded like crazy, Michael doubted he’d be able to follow directions. Michael gathered a little more lubricant on his fingers and rubbed it around Nicky’s hole before slowly pressing inside.

To his surprise, Nicky’s passage stayed soft. Tight, but not the clenched-muscle tightness from before. Michael watched Nicky’s face, how his mouth was slack and his eyes kept drifting closed. Michael worked one finger all the way in.

An anguished grunt broke from Nicky’s mouth.

“You like?” Michael pulled out so he could start the process of getting in a second finger. “Want my cock up there?”

The moment his two fingertips pressed past Nicky’s muscles, Nicky clenched. Face tense, he pumped his hips like he could fuck through Michael’s skin.

“Hey.” Michael smacked Nicky’s ass harder this time, right over the spot that was still warm from his last blow. “I told you—relax.”

“Oh God.” Nicky rubbed his forehead in the pillow. His cheeks were bright pink, and he was about the most gorgeous man Michael had ever seen.

Michael tried to stay distanced, detached. He knew it was a losing fight. “Can you do it for me?” Michael worked both fingers deep into Nicky’s crease. “Soft, soft, soft…”

Nicky blew out a long breath, his body slick and tempting around Michael’s fingers, his shoulders slumping on the bed.

“That’s it.” Feeling the give in the muscles, Michael worked Nicky open. Stroking and rubbing, pulling out before pushing back inside to the knuckle. Though Nicky whimpered the whole time, he didn’t make a move to tense or thrust. “That’s so good,” Michael cooed. Most guys took ages to give in as much as Nicky was. Michael had heard way too many horror stories of guys getting hurt because they moved too fast.

“Look at me.” He understood that Nicky might be too worked up to talk, but Michael needed to make sure he wasn’t in pain.

When Nicky lifted his head to face Michael, everything Nicky was feeling was written all over his features. He was flushed, pupils blown wide, lips damp and parted.

Michael kissed him, tasting his breath.

“You okay?” Michael asked against his mouth. “Because I’m almost ready to fuck you.”

“Oh God. Oh fuck. Oh God…” Nicky’s jaw tensed.

“Here we go.” Michael turned them over, getting between Nicky’s legs. He tucked a pillow under Nicky’s hips so his knees rose between his shoulders. “Same rules. Stay loose or I’ll stop.”

Nicky nodded, gulping like he couldn’t get enough air.

“Just relax.” Michael grabbed a condom and rolled it down in a quick swipe. Then he positioned his tip against the folded skin of Nicky’s hole.

“Don’t clench.” Michael eased his cap into Nicky’s opening, watching for signs that it was too much. When he got in an inch, Nicky started to shake.

“Oh God.” Nicky’s glutes clamped around him.

Michael didn’t hesitate before landing a smack across his ass. “Hey. What did I tell you?” He knew the place Nicky was in, how Nicky needed to be told and pushed and even maybe forced a little. Michael remembered from back when he’d been with Mark. He’d been so cranked up on endorphins he’d thought Mark was a god. Michael wanted to give Nicky that excitement. He wanted Nicky to feel that way about him so that maybe Nicky would be too attached to ever push Michael away.

“I didn’t mean. Just… Don’t stop.” Nicky grabbed behind his knees to tip his ass up, damp with sweat and lube, and tempting as anything.

Michael gripped an ass cheek, cracking Nicky wide and getting his dick in place again. He used gentle pressure, slow invasions pulling those delicate folds taut. When he felt the resistance of Nicky’s muscles, Michael paused. “Just a little more, Nicky. You can take it, okay? It’ll hurt some, but you’ll like it so much.”

Nicky nodded.

“Don’t tense.” Michael knew his words were in vain, because when he pressed inward, Nicky clamped down hard. With Michael already past his rings of muscle, all his clenching did was drag Michael deeper inside.

“Fuuuuuck… So good.” Michael climbed farther on top to rest his weight on Nicky’s chest.

Nicky’s whole body vibrated. “Oh God…”

Michael stroked down Nicky’s side. “That’s it. Try and relax. Let it feel good.”

“Can’t…” Nicky gasped. “Gotta come. Gotta…”

Michael’s heart could have cracked open, that was how close he felt to Nicky right then. He wanted Nicky to feel everything. To have everything. It was totally different from how it had been with Mark, because then Michael had been the one giving and Mark had just taken.

“So good.” Michael kissed him right behind his ear, where his stubble had grown in. He tasted like sweat. “Just a little longer, okay?”

Everything in Nicky’s heart leapt to his throat—his emotions, his sadness, even the anger and regret that came in waves he couldn’t control some days. All of it was okay because Michael was inside him. Because Michael made everything bearable.

Michael arched his hips, pushing his thrusts farther, farther. The sting washed over Nicky, spreading from his hole through his dick and belly.

When Nicky finally gave in to the screaming-sinew need to tighten his muscles, Michael gasped like Nicky had ripped him in half.

“Fuck.” Michael pumped a short thrust.

Nicky couldn’t tell if it was because he was trying to be gentle or because Nicky had him caught tightly enough he couldn’t move. “I can’t…” Nicky tried to breathe, he tried to do anything, because nothing on the planet could have unwound him enough to relax at that moment. His orgasm curled in his balls, twisting through the pain and dragging Nicky higher than he’d ever been before. Michael had better move faster soon, or this was all going to be over.

“Don’t move.” Michael wiggled his hips, rolling in short thrusts more like vibration than strokes.

“I…I just can’t…” Nicky mouthed curses. He could tell from Michael’s panted whines that Michael was close too, but God, Nicky hoped he wasn’t hurting the guy.

“There. That’s better.”

Nicky must have loosened a fraction because Michael had more movement now, grinding in tight circles. Michael changed his angle, and he nailed the right spot in a nonstop twist and curl.

“Fucking hell…” Nicky pushed a hand between them to grip his cock and found that with every shove of Michael’s hips, Nicky’s dick was forced through the cuff of his fingers. Fuck, if he only had…

“Here.” Michael pushed a lube bottle at Nicky’s shoulder.

Nicky would have gasped out a joke about Michael’s preparedness, but his brain had turned to Jell-O and his body to molten lava. Messily, he got a dollop on his hand, and while he tried to get his fist between them, Michael pulled out, dripped some more lube into Nicky’s crease, and then pushed back in with an excruciating slowness that had Nicky moaning.

“Yes. Fuck, Nicky. That’s it.”

Now Nicky knew what Michael meant about being open. He couldn’t quite manage to do it on purpose, but he felt the slip and the slide, the give that let Michael’s thrusts go all the way to his center. Letting Michael in. That’s what he’d meant to do all along.

Michael slammed into him, his aim messier, and each thrust pushed Nicky through his palm full of lube and another few inches up the bed. “Yeah, Nicky. God…” Michael sounded like he was crying. His body tensed, but his hips snapped a slow, deep beat Nicky couldn’t help but feel the echo of until Nicky was coming right along with Michael. A spasm, a thrust, another spasm that started in Nicky’s ass but spread through his cock and his balls until his hand was sticky.

“God.” Michael dropped on top of him, sweaty and slick and mashing come between them.

Nicky buried his face in Michael’s neck. He didn’t know if anything had been decided, or whether they were a couple now or not. But Nicky was forever changed. He hoped like hell that Michael felt the same.

Michael shifted, pulling out in the process. He flopped onto his back. “Okay, I don’t mean to be a freak, but we should shower.”

“You’re not a freak.” Nicky didn’t push for anything. It would only lead back to a road he didn’t want to travel. Anyway, his ass couldn’t take another round of distracting Michael from leaving. Nicky landed a kiss on Michael’s lips and started getting out of bed. He was sore in odd places and wanted a chance to clean up on his own, rather than having Michael come at him with a pile of towelettes. “Can I get the bathroom first?”