Nothing Left to Lose (84 page)

“Agent Taylor,
my orders are to remove you by force if necessary. I’d much rather
it not come to that,” he warned.

I looked over
at Dean, shocked. “What the hell just happened?” I asked, still
confused at the turn of events. It didn’t feel real. It felt like a
nightmare was unfolding in front of me.
Maybe it is actually a
nightmare, maybe I’m still sleeping…

Dean shook his
head. “I don’t really know, Ashton. The President called me and
said that Annabelle had requested a transfer and that I’m taking
your position. I was told I wasn’t allowed to tell you until the
four guards arrived,” he replied, looking just as baffled as
me.

“But they can’t
transfer me, you need me here! She needs me here!” I cried
desperately.

“Ashton, I said
that to the President, but he said it was already done and that was
the end of the discussion,” Dean explained, shaking his head
sadly.

“Damn it,” I
growled. “Anna!” I shouted, turning to go back into the apartment
again. Another guard grabbed my other arm. I looked at him
warningly. “You’d better take your fucking hands off me if you
still want to be able to use them,” I spat angrily. No one would
keep me from my girl.

Dean stepped
forward quickly. “Ashton, just go to LA, call her later once she’s
had time to think this all through. I’ll talk to her, but for now
you need to go along with your orders. If you go against a
Presidential order, then you won’t even get to come back here when
she changes her mind again,” he suggested, looking at me
pleadingly. I squeezed my eyes shut. “Just go. I’ll talk to her.
You just do as you’ve been ordered,” Dean persuaded.

I nodded,
knowing he was right. LA was only an hour flight away from here, by
the time I landed in LA, she would have cooled down and I’d fly
back. It would be fine. A small part of me knew that it wouldn’t,
but all I had left was hope. Anna was my life. I couldn’t be away
from her, she was everything to me and she needed me to protect
her.

I turned to
Dean. “Take care of her until I get back then,” I pleaded. “You
know how important this girl is to me.”

He nodded,
smiling sadly as he patted my shoulder sympathetically. “Yeah, I
do. Don’t worry. I’ll go talk to her right now. She may even change
her mind before you get on the damn plane. You know what women are
like, temperamental beasts, and Anna is the worst of them all,
feisty little sucker her,” he joked.

I didn’t have
the words to answer so I just stalked to the elevator, pressing the
button. Two of the four new guards took my flanks, watching me
cautiously as if waiting for me to sneak an attack on them or
something.

Neither of them
would talk to me on the way to the airport. Every time I asked
anything, they just said they didn’t know. Eventually, I stopped
asking questions and rested my head on the window, feeling my heart
break a little more with every mile they put between us. When we
got to the airport, they booked me onto my plane. The timing was
perfect; I only had to wait thirty minutes before boarding. I sat
on my own with my head in my hands, praying that Dean was right and
that he could talk some sense into her before I even boarded. Out
of sheer desperation, I grabbed my phone and called her, it rang a
couple of times before she rejected it. I squeezed my eyes shut and
called her again.

Please answer,
Baby Girl!

Again, she
rejected my call within a couple of rings. The third time it was
turned off. Growling in frustration, I shoved my cell phone back
into my pocket. My hurt was now turning into anger. She knew that I
loved her; she knew that it would probably kill me being away from
her and not knowing if she was safe or not, she would know that she
was hurting me by doing this, but it was like she didn’t care.
She’d spitefully told me that she didn’t love me, when we both knew
that it wasn’t true. The only thing I couldn’t work out was why she
was doing this.

When the
speaker announced that my plane was ready to board, I called Dean.
“Hey, what’s going on? Did you talk to her? Has she changed her
mind?” I asked as soon as he answered.

He sighed. “No,
Ashton. I’m sorry, she doesn’t want you here. I don’t think she’s
going to change her mind today. She asked me to ask you to stop
calling her,” he said quietly.

I gripped my
hand into my hair roughly. “Okay, thanks for trying. I’ll give her
a day to cool off and then maybe she’ll talk to me. Watch her for
me, don’t let anything happen to her,” I begged, trying not to
imagine all the horrible things that could happen to her while I
wasn’t there to protect her.

“I will,
Ashton. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Just give her some time to
miss you, that’s all it’ll take,” he reassured me.

I nodded
knowing that, for the moment at least, it was hopeless.
“Thanks.”

When I
disconnected the call, the two agents escorted me directly to my
seat and even waited outside the door until it was closed and the
plane had taxied out onto the runway. I closed my eyes, resting my
head back against the seat as I prayed that Dean was right. I just
needed to give her time to miss me; she would miss me, eventually.
I’d just have to hope that the time apart from her wouldn’t kill me
before she changed her mind.

I couldn’t look
at him again; I couldn’t watch him leave, it was too painful. Each
step away from him actually hurt more than the one before.
Eventually, my weary legs carried me into the bedroom. I’d barely
managed to get the door closed behind me before my heart shattered
into a thousand pieces. My legs finally gave out and I slumped to
the floor, crying silently.

I felt sick; my
whole body was shaking as I sobbed and sobbed. I knew I’d done the
right thing; this really was the only way to keep him safe. But I
just couldn’t get the image of his pain out of my head. The way his
face looked so sad, so rejected, I knew I’d never be able to erase
that look from my memory. I’d never seen Ashton look scared before,
and I never wanted to see that look there again for as long as I
lived.

I heard my
cruel lie repeating over and over in my head.
“I care about you
a lot, I really do, but it’s not love.”
I kept picturing the
exact moment that I broke his heart. How his eye twitched, his face
dropped and his whole body seemed to slump when I said those words.
All I had wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him,
explain to him that I loved him more than life itself, that I was
doing this for his own good so he wouldn’t get hurt. But I hadn’t
done any of those things; instead, I’d pretended Carter was
standing there in front of me, remembering how much I hated him,
just so I could convince Ashton that this was over. I needed him to
believe me so that he’d be able to move on, be happy, and live his
life.

I sobbed even
harder when I thought about the fierce expression that crossed his
face just before he kissed me, almost like he thought that one kiss
would make everything better, or would change my mind. My lips
still tingled from the intensity of it. Staying in control and not
kissing him back was one of the hardest things I had ever had to
do, but somehow I had managed to hold onto the memory of the dream
that I had a few weeks ago. I pictured his broken face and his
groan of pain, and that was the only thing that got me through what
had just happened.

If I didn’t
love him so much, I would never have been able to cope with what
I’d just done. In time, he would get over me and be back to his old
self, his friends would help him through it, he would have his
dream job, and in a couple of weeks he’d be right as rain. I, on
the other hand, would feel this pain forever – but this was nothing
compared to living with the knowledge that Ashton had been hurt or
killed.

A few minutes
later, there was a knock at the door. I stiffened. I couldn’t let
him see me like this. I wiped my face and took a deep breath.
“What?” I huffed, trying to sound annoyed.

“Annabelle, can
we talk?” Dean asked through the door. I pushed myself up and
opened the door to see his sympathetic face. “Why did you do that
if it’s upsetting you this much?” he asked, clearly confused as his
eyes raked over my face.

I shrugged,
trying to pretend that I wasn’t dying inside. “It needed to be
done. I’m going to miss him, but I can’t give him what he wants.
He’s in love with me, and I can’t love him back. It’s better if
he’s away from me so he can move on,” I explained, lying through my
teeth.

His eyes
narrowed, clearly assessing me to see if there was some other
hidden reason. “That’s why you sent him away?”

I nodded. “I
can’t love him back; it wasn’t fair to keep leading him on. I asked
for him to be transferred so he could get on with his life instead
of staying here with an emotionless wreck,” I lied, swallowing my
grief. “He complicates things with his feelings, and I can’t be
dealing with any more complications now.”

He nodded
slowly. “I can understand that, but you need him here to protect
you, he’s the best one for this job. What with all of this Carter
stuff, we need him here to lead,” he said, trying to convince
me.

Wow, if only
he knew that is the real reason I made him leave.
“Dean, I’m
sure you’ll cope. Ashton’s not the only guard in the world. I’ve
requested you as my new near guard, I hope that’s okay with you,” I
croaked, changing the subject.

“Yeah I was
told, it’s fine. But, Annabelle, you really should think about
this,” he pleaded, shaking his head in disapproval.

“Dean, it’s
done, he needs this. You must see how he feels about me, he needs a
clean break. I’m sure he’ll call you to try and get you to convince
me to take him back, but that just won’t happen, so just stay out
of it and let him get over me. I don’t want him to keep hurting and
pining for me. I don’t want him to know that I’m missing him or
upset. He needs a clean break.” I looked at him warningly, hoping
that I made it clear and that he would help me by not interfering.
I just prayed he wouldn’t tell Ashton I was crying.

He frowned.
“Okay, I understand, Annabelle,” he admitted, nodding and looking
at me fiercely.

“Great. Well,
thanks. I’m gonna do some drawing.” I stepped back and closed the
bedroom door in his face, ending the conversation.

I went over to
the bed and flopped down on my back, staring at the ceiling,
focussing on my breathing to stay calm. I grabbed a photo of me and
Ashton from the bedside unit and looked at his handsome, smiling
face. This was harder than I thought. I knew it would hurt, but the
thought of never seeing him again felt like someone was killing me
slowly. I pushed up off the bed and grabbed a suitcase from the
closet and started to pack up his stuff, crying silently the whole
time.

When I was
done, I called my father again. There was something else that would
afford Ashton some more protection. “Dad, I think we need to put
out the truth about Ashton being my guard and that we weren’t
actually together. It’ll be better in the long run if people know
the truth, rather than thinking we’ve just broken up,” I suggested,
grimacing. I knew it would hurt Ashton more, but at least it would
keep him safer if Carter thought it was just an act. If Carter
thought we were really together, he would hunt him down.

My dad’s
defeated sigh blew down the line. “Okay, Annabelle, whatever you
think. I’ll have someone draft a statement and have it released,”
he agreed quietly.

“Thanks for
doing this for me,” I mumbled gratefully.

“I don’t
suppose you’ll tell me what this is about?”

“I’m sorry, I
can’t. But thank you for trusting me,” I replied, willing myself
not to cry anymore.

“Anytime,
Annabelle,” he answered, ending the call.

The next few
days were awful. We were splashed all over the papers and
magazines; everyone knew we weren’t ever together and that Ashton
was, in fact, a SWAT agent assigned to guard me. There were photos
of him in the paper looking sad, his eyes cold and hurt, but he
refused to comment on anything. Every day he tried to call me. I
received about five texts a day, begging me to talk to him, telling
me he loved me and that he always would. I didn’t respond. Whenever
he would call I would reject it or turn my phone off.

School was
extremely difficult. The three day guards I now had followed me
around closely, drawing more attention to me every second of the
day. Rosie and the guys asked about Ashton and couldn’t believe
that he was a guard and nothing more. I changed back into the girl
that didn’t allow anyone to get close to her. I barely spoke to
anyone and shied away from all contact with people, just like I
used to. Every night I would read through the texts that Ashton had
sent me, looking at the photo of him, and then cry myself to sleep.
I’d never felt so lonely in my life.

By the time I
got home from the airport, my head was pounding. I was so stressed
and worried that I could barely walk in a straight line. All I
could think about was if she was okay. What if Carter had come for
her while I wasn’t there?

I grabbed a cab
and headed back to mine and Nate’s apartment. When I stepped
through the door, Nate twisted in his seat and a confused frown
slipped onto his face. “Hey, Taylor! What the hell are you doing
here?”

I sighed, not
having the words to explain that my life felt like it was circling
the drain at the moment.

“Good to see
you, buddy!” he chirped as I flopped down onto the sofa next to
him. “You bring that hot little girl of yours with you again?” He
eyed the door, as if waiting for Anna to make an appearance.