OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (4 page)

I am completely nervous about Keith turning up. He's on the plane now. I can't sleep for worrying about it. What have I started?! I was so desperate to meet him that I hardly thought about anything or anyone else. That was WRONG and MGK-style horrible. I didn't even think that I now have another person to buy for at Christmas!

OMG – I'm naturally starting to think of others. This is what maturing feels like.

I'll go to Boots on Boxing Day. They always have half-price smellies gift sets. I'll tell Keith I wanted to meet him first before I bought him anything. You have to actually meet a man before you can buy him aftershave.

When I say aftershave I'm not talking anything by Dior or Gucci. I mean Lynx.

Bet MGK buys him something posh. She says she can smell how much money someone earns by their fragrance and she can sniff out a man's ENTIRE personality! She was preaching to us all in Maths once like some kind of stinky love goddess. She reckons any guy who wears Beckham Intimately for Men is the opposite of Beckham. They are usually poor and look dreadful in tight underpants.

Gran has that advert of Becks in his knickers hung in her kitchen. She says she nearly dropped her scrambled eggs when she saw it first but now it gives her “a natural lift” every time she boils her kettle.

How would David Beckham feel about being near a Berwick-upon-Tweed tea towel that has a beetroot stain on it?

I could use any Christmas money I get to buy Keith something really impressive and designer.

No. It's the thought that counts.

Keith just landed. I checked online. He is IN THE COUNTRY. HE IS HERE!

I don't feel any different yet. I thought I would feel excited. I just feel…

I feel nothing really.

Except for a weird feeling in my lip.

I'M GETTING A COLD SORE. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE. My dad is going to meet the world's scabbiest, most contagious daughter.

I know things like that aren't meant to matter but they do.

Time is going very slowly.

No, Mum – strangely enough I don't fancy Coco Pops at this present moment.

Why do adults try to make you eat? Like food solves anything. How can 2 bits of toast and Marmite calm you down? I am going to puke.

Just had 2 bits of toast and Marmite – feel less sick.

Text from Goose:

Goose has called his gecko “Freak”. That's sweet.

That's really sweet.

Goose does just like me as a person. Just life, lizards and, I think, my lack of actual breasts get in the way. Why can't things just WORK OUT?!

What if Keith hates me? What if it's a total disaster? What if Gran makes him one of her “left-over pastry fun flans” and he decides that this is all not worth it. People have felt very extreme things after being exposed to Gran's flans. For all I know some people have left the country because of them. He could be one of them.

Gran has just called my mob for the weirdest conversation ever.

That was helpful in no way whatsoever.

And what's all this about not picking up on signals? I can totally tell everyone is cross with me! I've already written it here. It's fairly OBVIOUS. Nathan is currently going through his entire “Angry” playlist on his iPod. He has “Happy”, “Sad” and “Angry” playlists only. They are the only emotions he feels apart from “hungry” and “sleepy”.

Keith is getting the train here and doesn't have a mobile. He could arrive at Gran's at ANY TIME.

Just rung Gran. He is not there yet.

He is still not at Gran's yet.

Gran has just rung me to ask me to stop calling her. She promises she will call me the moment he arrives.

I think I might have left an important Science textbook at Gran's. I might go over there.

Rang Gran again to tell her I was coming over to get my book. OMG! OVERREACTION!

She shouted, “You've never shown an interest in Science before. Why now?” I told her I had a sudden need to find out about biological things. Gran said, “You have a sudden need to be there first when someone might need a rest.” Then Mum piped up in my ear behind me with, “Harsh but fair.” Thanks, everyone, for their sensitivity in this issue of MY REAL DAD ACTUALLY TURNING UP. Mum is just punishing me for making her terrible past her present. I've read her diary – I know it was bad.

I've READ HER DIARY! HER TERRIBLE PAST!!! What the HELL AM I DOING?!

If I were her I'd give me RAW bacon sandwiches.

Got to think of something else – when are your feelings just not as important as other people's?! I don't want to be a pushover sappy-fest but I don't want to cause anyone actual head-mess pain! HOW CAN YOU TELL? Where do you learn this? I need to learn how to get what I want and not upset people at the same time.

I can't think.

I actually WANT to do schoolwork now.

I had a quick look at the Science exam syllabus on the Net just to take my mind off things. It's full of stuff like natural selection, how your genes affect you and how the fennec fox has evolved to its desert environment. Actually these ARE things I DO need to know about NOW.

The fennec fox can probably wait. He can't help me understand my dad. He just has a big brush and eats other people's cold chips.

Rob just explained that after a long flight you need to freshen up and have a little rest. Only Rob ever talks sense. He's from Guyana and understands long-haul travel. It's not a small bottle of Chardonnay and a mini tube of Pringles on easyJet for 2 hours, Mum!

Nathan has a point. Rob is perfect. What am I doing?!

Too late now.

And I need to know.

Gran yelled down the phone that she is doing some final checks. Mum said, “I bet she's hiding her valuables.” I WENT MENTAL. I shouted down the phone, “Give him a chance, will you? It's been 14 years – he might have changed!”

Gran said, “I'm sorry, Hattie, but I can guarantee he hasn't. Men like that don't! You can't go from Keith Richards to Cliff Richard in one lifetime.”

When I asked, “Men like what?” Gran said, “Your dad could fit an antique nest of tables in his suitcase!”

Antiques?!
Gran has no antiques. Her furniture is called stuff like “Knutstropper” and comes flat-packed!

Gran sighed and start muttering stuff like, “Oh, I can't argue with you, Hattie. I've tried to protect you from it all but you had to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, you know! You need more life experience before you start doing things like this!”

So I shouted, “Yes, I'm glad you finally agree! That's why I'm going to leave school and go travelling!”

Everyone went mad then. Rob told Mum to calm down.

I'd only go travelling to Norfolk but I just wanted to scare them all.

At least an argument passed some time.

Keith still isn't here. Gran says trains are a nightmare on Christmas Eve. People have to stand FOR HOURS and the buffet car runs out of stuff at Luton (that's miles away from anywhere northern!). Apparently, Brian from the pensioners' club went to stay with his family in Glasgow last Christmas and ended up having to share his fruit cake with a starving nun, 2 soldiers and a woman who cried all the way from Doncaster because her boyfriend had dumped her and she had to spend Christmas with her parents. Gran always says, “Trains are like living through a war, Hattie – you're never the same after. You carry the scars of public transport with you.”

This from the woman who seems to think I'm making too much of a fuss about my real dad turning up!

Keith is still not here. I'm watching
Toy Story 2
to pass the time.

OMG – that was just the weirdest experience ever.

How do I even write what I feel when it's such a … I don't even know.

That was a TOTAL mistake. WHY DID I WATCH
TOY STORY 2?!
Jessie the cowgirl being dumped at the side of the road always makes me cry.

TYPICAL! Gran didn't ring to warn me and Keith just arrived at the house! I was a mess about abandoned toys but he thought I was crying over him! He gave me this crap half-hearted limp hug and said, “I understand, Hattie – it's a lot for a girl of your age to take in!” I couldn't tell him I was sobbing because I was having flashbacks to when my brother squashed “Mr Fluffyton”, my teddy, in a milk bottle and sent him down the river on what he called an “epic pirate voyage” (TEDDY TORTURE). I must have looked and sounded about 5 years old. Keith probably now thinks I'm the most immature girl ON EARTH. Then I did start to sob properly because it was just all too much in my head. I couldn't even stop. Then Mum said, “You know what, Hattie, this is a lot for you to handle. How about Keith goes to Gran's for a nice long rest and he comes back tomorrow after he's had a good night's sleep and you've had a chance to just … calm down a bit?”

This made me mad because it was mainly
Toy Story 2
I was crying over, I think, but when I tried to speak I just did that totally embarrassing crying-snorting thing and Rob said, “Yes – I think that's a really good idea, Hats. It would be a lot for anyone. You're not being silly.”

Keith sort of looked confused and nodded and Rob drove him back. Mum came over, started hugging me and said, “I did try to tell you, Hattie.” I was so angry I pulled away and shouted, “This isn't about you – it's about ME and
Toy Story 2
.”

She looked puzzled. I don't blame her. I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL BUT IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

So apparently me and Keith will talk tomorrow. I've only waited for 14 years. What's another 24 hours?!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! It's another day of nerves and feeling sick.

I think I might write to Disney and complain. They should NOT make films that make people cry.

It was all just such an anticlimax. I thought I'd feel this big rush of … love but it just felt like … bad PMT.

Honestly, right now I feel sadder about Mr Fluffyton than I do about Keith. Mr Fluffyton was a teddy pioneer of the high seas. Well, of the Derwent river. I don't feel anything for Keith. What was I expecting? Perhaps Gran was right.

I do feel something! I feel a bit…

Patronized. Thank you, Dimple, for the EXACT word. BY EVERYONE.

Rob has just been up. Am I OK, PUMPKIN? He only uses “Pumpkin” when he's really worried.

I love Rob. That makes things harder now – not easier.