On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20) (34 page)

After the ceremony ended, Chelsea made her way through the crowd to find John. He was standing near the back row of chairs with a box tucked under his arm. When he saw her coming his way, he smiled broadly, causing all the weeks of heartbreak to fade into the background of her mind. As she reached where he was standing, she considered moving in to hug him, but when he made no such move, she stood frozen. Since seeing him from the platform, the entire time she tried her best to figure out what he would say to her. Her thoughts ranged from
he just couldn’t live without her
, to
he’d like to continue dating until they could figure this whole thing out
. Once, she even imagined him proposing, right there on the lawn. Never did it occur to her that he would not take her into his arms. All scenarios included them embracing.

“I suppose you can sue me for breach of contract. I know I’m not supposed to be here, but I wanted to drop this off.”

Her heart plummeted. With his words, that tiny little flicker of hope was extinguished. “That’s kind of you.” Chelsea quickly looked down, hoping to blink away the tears welling up in her eyes.

“You can’t imagine how proud I am of you. You did it!” Since seeing her waiting for her name to be called, he could only regret coming. It would be more difficult than he anticipated, and already, he felt that sinking feeling of knowing he would have to walk away. No matter the difficulty, seeing her one last time would be worth whatever it cost his heart.

“I wouldn’t have made it without you.” Her words were true. Without him paying for her last year, she would not have stayed. Borrowing such a tremendous amount of money for something her heart was no longer fully in seemed a waste to her. If the final interview with John had not
gone so well, she’d already decided that going home was what was best. But that day with John changed the entire course of her life. Without him, she would already be back home in Oklahoma, with no idea of what she would be doing.

“Sure you would have. You’re a smart and resourceful girl. You would have found a way.”

For a moment they both stood quietly. Finally, breaking the silence, she admitted, “I’m sorry I left the way I did. I just couldn’t stand the thought of a long good-bye. I wasn’t so sure I could do it.”

“I understand.” At first, he was pretty angry about it, but after a few days, he accepted that it was what she had to do. Over the next few weeks, he channeled all of his energy into her graduation surprise, but after that, he fell entirely to pieces. When all the arrangements were finalized, and he found he had nothing left to focus on but her absence from his life, it was all he could do to get up and face each day. Since that time, he did what he always did to push his feelings aside, he worked at a maniacal pace, causing everyone around him to wonder what was going on. Not even with Mark or Irene had he been able to open up about Chelsea leaving. Not once had he expressed her loss aloud. Doing that would make it all the more final.

“I see your family came in. Tell them I said, “Hi.”

Nervously, she tucked her hair behind her ear. “I will.”

“How are your mom and dad?” Chelsea had sent Louise a note just the week before, letting her know that she was hurting, but making it through.

“They are both doing all right. I was up there two weeks ago.”

“I’ll miss them.” She regretted saying that. It was a mistake, because no longer was the statement through her lips when tears sprang to her eyes.

Seeing how upset she was, and that she was blinking away tears, John quickly handed her the gift, hoping to redirect her line of thinking. It was in that moment that he realized the best thing for them both was for him to leave her alone. No matter what excuses his mind came up with to see her, he would never do it again. It wasn’t fair to her, and he was quite certain he couldn’t stand another encounter with her in which he
was not able to hold her. Since seeing her smile at him all he thought of was drawing her into his arms and feeling her next to him.

When she took the box, she asked, “Should I open it now?”

Waving his arm, he said, “No. Wait ‘til later.” Behind her, he could see her entire family looking on in curiosity. Using that as his way out, he said, “Well, I see your family is waiting. I won’t keep you.” Leaning in, he brushed her cheek with his lips.

The kiss was exactly as he did early on before they became real. When he drew so near to her, the familiar scent of his aftershave awakened the deepest sense of longing she’d ever known. Without considering the effect of such an act, she reached up and touched his cheek. Her fingers lingered there for some time. With her hand on his skin, he stood as if frozen, his face near to hers. It was a surprisingly intimate moment. Moving slightly, he touched his cheek to hers, and when he did, she heard him draw in a sharp breath. Then he quickly took a step back.

“Thank you for coming,” she whispered.

Nodding, he said, “I’m glad I did.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and took another step back. Unwilling to say good-bye, he instead said, “I hope you change the world, Chels.” With that, he turned and began walking to his car.

She watched him as he strode away. He had a certain swagger about him, the kind of gait that only a man of confidence can carry off. Chelsea smiled. He loved her, no doubt about it. By his hesitation when she touched his face and with his heavy sigh when he moved away, she was certain he did. With that conviction gripping her heart, tears began pouring down her cheeks, and soon her mother was by her side, hugging her tightly.

A two day drive back to Tulsa with a car load of kids was exactly what Chelsea needed. Bouncing back and forth between the two minivans, she found both families to be loud and crazy and just the distraction she needed from her broken heart. They played every travel game they could come up with and sang silly songs. It was the best two days she’d had in over a month. When they finally did reach home and Bobby and Macy dropped her off at her parents’ house, she regretted not taking
them up on the offer to stay with them for a while, as their house would allow for little time alone with her thoughts. She dreaded the silence she would encounter once home, knowing all she would focus on would be the absence of John from her life. Their end had left a gaping hole in her life and heart and future. Without him, she found nearly nothing to look forward to. To a much greater degree, she was becoming the same reclusive, lifeless person she was after her break up with Tuck. No matter how she tried to convince herself that she would not die of a broken heart, still she felt certain she was dying.

As Chelsea was unloading her bags from the van, she picked up the box that John had given her, and without looking at it, quickly handed it to Bobby.

“When are you gonna open this thing?”

The kids had asked at least a dozen times during the drive. For a child, the idea of an unopened gift was simply unacceptable. They begged and pleaded, still Chelsea refused to even shake the box. Admittedly, she was curious. It was the size of a clothes box but too heavy to be clothes. Plus, it was doubtful John would buy her something to wear. There toward the end he’d figured out that clothes did not please her much. If she could wish for anything, she wished he could’ve folded up her piano and stuffed it into the box, but that too seemed unlikely. Often during the ride home, with her eyes closed, she allowed her fingers to play the air, reminiscing how John would sit next to her as she played and whisper, “Sing for me.” His words seemed nearly seductive, causing an ache for him to arise within her. Even during the ride, the sound of it in her head stirred up the same feeling.

With tears springing to her eyes, she shrugged. “I’ll get around to opening it eventually.” Chelsea’s hesitation came from the fact that opening the gift would be the last act of
them
, the final moment, and she wanted to have something left to look forward to. It may take her years to open the box, and if it did, it was no one’s business but hers.

“You’re driving us all crazy.” Bobby smiled and headed into the house with the box and one of Chelsea’s suitcases. Since the family arrived in L.A., he could see how devastated she was by the split with John. Truthfully, as much as he was against their relationship in the beginning,
Bobby found he was surprised when he learned they were over. From the way they looked at each other and acted at Christmas, he really believed they would marry. He may have even hoped a little bit. Christmas in Breckenridge was something he could easily get used to. And someday, he had hoped to fly on John’s jet.

One person who was elated about the news was Tuck, although he didn’t seem as surprised as Bobby would have expected. Bobby noticed, for the first time in a very long time, Tuck seemed excited about something other than Lucy. He cared for Tuck, and over the years, he’d even come to feel a bit sorry for him. Even though he was the one who messed things up with Chelsea, the price he had to pay seemed too high for anyone to withstand. From the moment Tuck learned Chelsea was coming home, he was already planning how he might win her back. Often he ran scenarios by Bobby, most of them too preposterous to work. They ranged from showing up on a horse to climbing into her window late at night, in hopes that it would remind her of the old days when he was brave, or rather, stupid enough to do such a thing. Whatever Tuck tried, Bobby decided as he watched Chelsea slowly make her way up the steps to the house, would not likely make a difference, at least not for a very long time.

Once inside, Chelsea made her way up to her old room without much enthusiasm. When she walked in, the first thing she did was put the gift box in the top of her closet and move a pillow in front of it. The last thing she needed was to see it every day. Not even bothering to put her clothes away, she flopped onto the bed and curled up to go to sleep. Though it wasn’t dark yet, all she wanted to do was close her eyes and forget. It was her favorite pastime, sleep.

Chelsea had been home for nearly two weeks when Bob and Gail finally sat down with her and asked what her plans were. They were both worried, though only her mother really understood the reason Chelsea slept all the time and sat around in her pajamas when she was forced to come out of her room. Clearly she was depressed over John. During their talk, Gail and Bob politely suggested that, for her own good, Chelsea begin searching for a job. In their town there would not likely be jobs
that would interest her, as most of them were retail or food related. But Tulsa was less than an hour away, and they thought it would be her best place to start. She halfheartedly agreed to begin the search soon.

Sleepy, and though they hadn’t even had dinner yet, Chelsea decided to go back up to her room to bed. On her way up the stairs, she heard her father ask how she possibly made it through school as lazy as she was. Chelsea was too tired to even smile at his comment.

Once alone in her room, she sat on the side of the bed and stared sadly at her nightstand. There amidst the cupcake wrappers, empty ice cream containers, and foil from chocolate bars, was her charm bracelet and locket. Each night they were the last thing she looked at. Still, she’d not unpacked her photos of John. Her heart was too raw and tender to see his face. Somehow she knew if she looked into his eyes, she would lose the small grip she had on life as it was, if she did indeed have a grip on life at all. So far, the only time she’d left the house was to go to church, and that was because her parents insisted.

While at church, she saw Tuck, and the silly grin on his face made her smile. He was always such a big, sweet goof. Actually, he was a very bright guy. From what Bobby told her, he’d been able to turn the farm around after his father passed. For the past few years, he’d been running the place and doing so successfully. That was quite a feat in the current economy. Her own family’s farm was far from doing well. Once, her father voiced his concerns that they could lose the place. It only added to her depression. Falling over, she rested her head on her pillow and sighed. Oddly enough, as blue as she felt, she rarely ever cried. Even when she tried to work up a good round of bawling, it never came.

Her true struggle was in finding a new normal. Back at home, she felt she had no place to belong. She knew she needed to find a job, but doing what? She considered something in the line of social work, but she knew that dealing with abuse and removal and placement of kids was nothing she was cut out for. So far, the only place she ever excelled was in giving money away at KI. And since she had less than two hundred dollars remaining, that would be a short-term career path. Not only was she heartbroken, she was aimless, drifting on a cloud of naps and cupcakes.
Soon, she would have to come up with a plan, but as much as she prayed about it, no answer came.

Deciding to join the family for dinner, Chelsea didn’t stay long. Excusing herself, she went back up to her room. This time, she heard her father ask, “What are we gonna do about our little moonshine?” It was what he called her when she was sad. He once told her, “You still shine but just not as brightly.” Since she was a little girl that name would make her giggle, but now, she could hardly even manage a smile.

Falling asleep before nine, she slept fitfully. At just after midnight, she awoke with a start. While she couldn’t remember the dream, it had something to do with John. Even the faintest memory of it caused her to cry. Sitting upright in bed, she prayed for peace, but peace never came. In the weeks since she was apart from John, she felt no real sense of peace, not ever. In letting him go, she anticipated some reward from God, some supernatural “Atta girl, Chelsea.” Instead, she could do nothing but wonder why she didn’t fight for him.

Sliding out of the bed, she walked over to the closet, moved the pillow, and reached for the box. Holding it to her chest, she rested her chin on it and once again wondered what was in it. She’d saved it for an emergency, a time when, if she didn’t have something of John to hold onto she would surely go crazy. This was that moment. It was like breaking the “in case of emergency” glass. Taking the box over to her bed, she switched on the light and sat the box on the edge of the bed. Untying the smooshed bow, she draped it around her neck. Then she lifted the lid. Inside, she found a photo album. Lifting the album from the box, she opened the front cover and found the first photo to be of a house with a
For Sale
sign in the front yard. It may have been the one she showed John when they were home for Thanksgiving. They’d passed by it so quickly, she couldn’t be certain. It was a greyish/blue color with thick white trim. Turning to the next photo and so on, it was a diary of remodeling the house. Each room had a before and after picture. Even in the midst of her sadness and loneliness, she could hardly help but smile. He’d bought her that house so she could walk into town for ice cream. He remembered! At the realization of the depth with which he loved her, she began to cry even harder than before.