On Paper (44 page)

"Trust me, I get it," she smiled. "Come on, let's get you settled."

The apartment was small, but it wasn't as bad as I had expected. I had pictured cracker box. This was more cozy and eclectic. The entry was narrow and led into a tiny square room with a couch, a chair and a TV attached to the wall. Erin had it decorated in grays and yellows and it felt warm and homey.

A tiny kitchen, about the size of my parent's pantry sat just off the living room. One person would have trouble in there. This must be why people in New York ate out all the time.

"My room is here," she said, her hand on the doorjamb. "And you are over here, next door," she said pointing to the door on the other side of the television. I moved to take a look and couldn't help but smile when I saw that my room was about the size of the kitchen. I didn't mind though. It was perfect. There was a double bed with soft linens and a tiny dresser crammed in beside it.

"The dresser makes a good desk," Erin smiled.

"Thank you for letting me stay here. I appreciate it. I love it," I smiled.

"Well, it takes some getting used to, but it works. Why don't you get settled and then we can go grab some food and get to know each other," she suggested.

"Yeah, okay," I agreed.

Erin left me to examine my tiny room and I was grateful to have the moment to take it all in. I was here, in New York. I'd jumped. I felt optimistic and excited about it. I grabbed one of my suitcases and hauled it up to my bed. Might as well unpack and settle in a little. Having my stuff out would help me feel more at home.

It didn't take long to empty my suitcases. And there wasn't much room to decorate, so once it was put away I sat down on the bed, my back against the wall as I looked around my new home. It's funny, it made me feel like I was truly starting a new life. So much of what I knew was so far away, my safety net was gone. The only person I knew in this city was Erin, and I had known her all of an hour. I ignored the small voice inside that reminded me that there was one other person in New York that I knew quite well, or had, once upon a different time.

Work started in two days. I was anxious to get there and dive into it. There was so much changing and the logical side of me needed to see it all in person so I could put it all in its new proper place.

When it came to the roommate lottery I was pretty sure I'd hit the jackpot. Erin was really easy to get along with and we seemed to have a lot in common. We'd spent those first two days getting to know each other. She took me around the city, teaching me how to use the subway and what places to steer clear of.

She'd worked at McLean and Matthews Publishing for over a year now and she seemed to really like it. She gave me the low down on some of the people I'd meet and a little heads up on the way things went. I liked having the information. It left me feeling prepared.

We ordered pizza on Sunday night and ate it on the couch in our yoga pants and socks, watching romantic comedies on Netflix and talking about our favorite books. I loved book talk, and someone who was willing to talk with me about the characters like they were real people, living through real situations was gold in my book. Because, let's face it, if a book is good then those characters become real. You live with them and through them. You mourn with them, you laugh with them. Each one is made up of parts of us, it's why we latch on and highlight and feel completely abandoned once we reach the last page.

Erin had that same fire in her when it came to reading, so there was an instant bond. I only wished that Lily could be here with me. I think she would have liked Erin too.

The nice thing about working with your roommate is that you don't have to walk into the new job alone. You already have a friend. I remember when I was in first grade and I had had to change schools. I had walked into my classroom that first day scared to death that I wouldn't make any friends. Everyone seemed to have their group already and they were all chattering, a few casting curious looks my direction, but nothing more. I had wanted to cry and run back out into the hall to find my mom. I didn't want to start a new school. I didn't want to have to make friends with these new kids. But then a girl with dark curls and a blue sundress pranced over to me and introduced herself as Lily McCandless and asked if I wanted to be her friend. It had made the rest of the day easier. She had been there for me from day one.

Now it was Erin walking me in and showing me where the HR office was and promising to come find me for lunch later. It took a lot of the pressure off and let me just enjoy the excitement of starting my first grown-up job.

This was my adventure. My beginning. And I was going into it my eyes open to every possibility.

I WAS ADAPTING
to my new home. My nerves had started to settle and the crowds around made me more excited than nervous now. I wanted to submerge myself into the whole thing.

I stood on the busy sidewalk, people rushing past me, each one on a mission. New York was a city of individuals. What I mean is each person seemed to exist in their own bubble. Or rather, it was as if each person was the star of their own movie, surrounded by millions of side characters and extras. You could get lost in the crowd in an instant. It was an odd sensation. A little bit lonely, but also empowering.

Suddenly, I was hit with a memory. Sitting with Keaton on that bench back in San Francisco looking over the bay, he'd told me about how he liked to explore, how he liked to get lost in place he didn't know. The recollection made me smile and for the first time I felt like I had found a place that I wanted to get lost in. I wanted to explore, dive in, all alone. I smiled as I looked up and down the street, taking in the faces of strangers all with a set destination. Maybe they were getting lost too. Maybe this entire city was home to transplants like me, trying to be brave, trying to find themselves by getting lost.

It was an awfully Hallmark way to think, but I was okay with that. I stepped into the flow of pedestrians and I began to walk. I had no plan, no destination and the idea thrilled me. I slipped my earbuds in and turned on Lily's New York playlist. It made me feel like I was in my own music video and a few songs in I wondered if I had a big goofy grin on my face as I imagined it. Then, I remembered where I was and realized no one would care if I did.

I walked for an hour, up and down city blocks, wandering into little shops and checking out street vendors. Erin had warned me about them, telling me that I'd be jaded before long. But for now it was all new and exciting and I soaked it all up.

It was late afternoon before I started back towards the apartment. And as I walked I had a mini revelation. This past year had been unlike any other in my history. I'd experienced more in that short time than I had in all of my 23 years. I had changed. I had let go. I had learned so much. And as I reflected on it all I realized something else.

I've learned that you can survive a broken heart. What's more you can even emerge a better person for it. I never would have believed that had you told me this a year ago. After all, I've always felt more comfortable on the safe side. Risk and broken hearts never felt worth it. There was too much to lose. I always feared that I would lose myself.

I never imagined that could be a good thing. Losing myself. I never imagined that I would meet someone like Keaton Harris. Someone who challenged me, pushed me, made me step off of the curb and away from the sidelines and live fully. Live without fear or regret, without questions.

I had lost myself. I had lost the old me and that wasn't such a bad thing. I had lost myself in him and now that he was gone from my life I still carried all of those new pieces of myself with me. I still carried
him
with me. I still felt him every single day. Perhaps I always would.

Maybe it wasn't about the heartbreak or surviving the pain that made you emerge better, but the person who had moved you so deeply that you could no longer live without the marks that they had made.

The thought made me smile and the fact that I could smile, even as my heart still ached for him, told me that no matter how ugly the ending, the journey had been worth it. It's possible that some people aren't meant for lasting roles in our life. Sometimes their presence is swift, yet so meaningful that it changes your whole world into brilliant color.

Who would have thought I would have this attitude? Certainly not the girl who had left that hotel room without so much as a goodbye. That girl hadn't expected a shattered heart could heal. No way could her kind of patchwork healing lead her here, to this city, to this new brave adventure. Sure, I would have had the adventure without him probably, but I don't know that I would have learned to embrace it the way that I did now.

I walked through my new city, lost in my own revelations and grabbing hold of the adventure that had found its way into my spirit. Today was about getting lost and learning who I was on the way back.

HAVE YOU EVER
had that moment where you see a ghost from your past somewhere far from where they are supposed to be? That moment where your heart leaps from your chest, your breath catches as you start to call out their name only as you realize you must be seeing someone else? Seeing them in a stranger because you just miss them so much? After all, it couldn't be them.

It couldn't be
her
.

Only it was. It wasn't the ghost that had been haunting me since the moment she walked away. She was real. Flesh. Blood. Pure laughter. She was standing next to another girl, sipping on coffee and laughing -- head thrown back laughing. The sound rained down on me, a mixture of joy and whimsy and I closed my eyes soaking it in.

I wanted to go to her. I would have gone to her. But shit, she was happy. So unlike the last time I had seen her. That simple fact held me in place, a voyeur, an observer -- a stranger.

Seeing her there, from afar, I was struck by her beauty. My memory had not held up to the reality. Memories had dulled the images in my mind, self protection probably, because seeing her now, I was overtaken with a powerful ache in my chest that I was sure would end me if I had to survive much longer without her.

I needed to go to her. I wanted to find out why she was in the city and tell her all of the things that I'd been aching to tell her. I wanted to go to her now and purge every emotion vibrating through my body.

Something stopped me. It was that smile on her face. The one that sparked in her eye, the way she clutched her stomach as she laughed.

I leaned forward, my elbows on the table as I watched them talk. She was different. Different, but exactly the same. Different from the girl who had walked out on me in Seattle, more like the girl I'd been dumbstruck by in San Francisco.

I loved seeing her that way; so alive, so free. But it was followed by a sinking realization. She was happy without me. It's not that I wanted her to be falling apart like I had been, I wanted more for her. But the idea that she'd moved on, that she'd let us go, cut me deep. Because now I was in it alone.