Oppressed (22 page)

“
Do you know what you’ve
done?”

“
Yes,” I said. When I had
woken up this morning Lucus had already left and I had decided to
tell Maman that under no circumstances would I ever see Edmond
again. I no longer wanted to live in the home he had given me nor
did I want to keep any of the gifts he had presented me with. I
wanted to move back in with her and find a way that would allow me
to support myself.

“
Emilie!” She screamed.
“This café is cold!” She ignored my response and began her daily
crusade against Emilie.

Emilie walked in with her head low and
lips trembling. I could feel her nervous energy as her hands shook.
Her blue eyes were watery but not a single tear fell onto her soft
cheeks.

“
Maman.” I tried to get
her back on topic.

Emilie was so nervous that she
accidently knocked over the cup of café au lait as she reached for
it.

Maman rose from her chair. “Emilie!
You clumsy fool! You’ve ruined the new carpet! Why do I keep you?
Why? I probably do so out of pity because I know if I sold you back
into the market no one would be stupid enough to buy
you!”

Her lack of humanity and compassion was
revolting and I could no longer keep my mouth shut. I stood up.
“Emilie, it’s okay, I’ll clean it.”

“
You’ll do no such thing! What’s
gotten into you?” Her eyes rested on me. She studied me carefully
and I could sense her disgust as she took in the sight of my cotton
dress and loose waves. I no longer had the desire to wear any of
the dresses Edmond had bought for me, so I had had a seamstress
make me a few simple dresses which were way more
functional.

Emilie looked from Maman to me, unsure of
what to say or do. I motioned for her to leave before Maman started
screaming at her again. She left and the air in the room became
silent and I knew I had to stand up for myself once and for
all.

“
Maman, did you hear what I
said? I no longer want Edmond’s protection. He’s cruel and he
killed Antoine. He KILLED Antoine!”

Her delicate face convulsed, her eyes
widened and her thin lips spread out in a hard, disapproving line.
“Antoine should have known his place,” she said quietly.

“
Known his place!” I
screamed. “Known his place!” I couldn’t believe she was defending
Edmond. “Is that all you have to say? You’re friends with the
Duparts! Is that what you’re going to say to them at the funeral?
He should have known his place!”

“
Yes, Cecile, he should have
known his place and you should learn to accept yours as well.” She
was eerily calm as she stepped closer to me. “The whole
neighborhood is talking about you and the visitor you had over last
night. Have you no self-respect? Have you no appreciation for all
that Monsieur Edmond has done for you? You’re freely giving
yourself to his cousin.” She stepped closer and closer and with
every step her voice became lower and lower. “Can you not see the
shame and humiliation that you’ve brought on yourself and on me?
Allowing his cousin into your home? Weeping in the streets over
Antoine. Dancing like a savage and running around without your
protector. You’re a disgrace. Have you no shame?”

I took a step back. “No. I see no
shame in trying to defend myself. And I’m not freely giving myself
to anyone. Nothing happened.”

“’
Defend youself’?
Don’t be a
ridiculous spoiled child. You cannot defend yourself. Have you
forgotten who we are? Monsieur Edmond came over this morning and
was kind enough to assure me that despite your unacceptable
behavior he still wants to be your protector.”

“
But…” I desperately wanted her
to see my point of view; to somehow show her that no longer having
Edmond’s protection wouldn’t mean the end for me. I closed my eyes
and said the words again, hoping that maybe this time she would
understand. “I cannot and will not be his placée. Can’t you see
what he’s done to me? Can’t you see that he’s taken all that I can
give? You’re supposed to be my Maman. You’re supposed to protect
me.”

I felt her thin fingers take hold of my
hair. My eyes snapped open as her delicate hand slapped me across
the face with such force that it set my cheek ablaze.

“
Let go of me!” I tried to
free her hand from my hair but the more I struggled the tighter her
hold became.

“
Know your place, Cecile. I’m
begging you.” Her tears started and her attempt at composure
evaporated. “Know your place!” She slapped me repeatedly until my
cheeks became swollen and numb. Tears of pain, frustration, and
mortification ran down my face and shock left me paralyzed. “I am
trying to protect you but you’re not making it easy! Do you know
how dangerous it is out there? Do you understand what is about to
happen to us? Rumors of war are everywhere! Do you have any idea
what that will mean for us? Do you think those Yankees will show us
any compassion? Any mercy? To them we’re no better than the common
slave! Do you think they see beyond the color of our skin? ” Her
shrieks became deafening. “We’re going to lose EVERYTHING if we’re
not careful! All that we’ve worked so hard for!”

Unable to take the screams any longer I
forced myself to move and pushed her backwards which temporarily
disorientated her. “I know rumors of war are everywhere. The whole
city knows, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to live in fear like
you, Maman. We can’t live in fear. We have to stand up for
ourselves every day and in every way we can,” I said, channeling
Antoine. “Each and every one has the right to life, not only people
like Edmond.”

“
Why won’t you listen! Why can’t
you just
listen
, you spoiled ungrateful child!” she hollered through wild
sobs. “Why can’t you understand that the world is what is it and we
have to accept that?”

“
I can’t live a life based
on lies. Why can’t you understand that? Can’t you respect that? I’m
losing my very soul.”

She closed her eyes. “You don’t have
the luxury to choose what kind of life you want to live, why can’t
you understand that, Cecile? Why do you refuse to
understand?”

“
Because I don’t believe
that’s true. I don’t believe I’m supposed to live life like a
prisoner. What is the point of being free in name only? What’s
purpose of living under an illusion regardless of how beautifully
constructed it is?”

Her eyes snapped open. “You’re flawed,
Cecile. You’re lucky you’re beautiful because otherwise you
wouldn’t have a chance in this world.”

“
Flawed?”

“
You think and feel too
much. Your emotions are going to lead to your downfall.”

I laughed. “Think and feel too much? I
think and feel too much? That’s a flaw?”

“
Yes.”

“
No. It’s people like you who
don’t think and feel
enough
. You sit around and pretend that everything is
okay. You force smiles and look the other way when you see the
slave coffles on the street or the starving Irishmen on the
corners, because it makes you uncomfortable. You sip your
champagne, wear your fancy Parisian dresses, yet you loathe what
you see in mirror because you’re not happy. By not thinking and
feeling you add to the problem by feeding the very lies that keep
this sick system running. How can you stand there and tell me that
I think and feel too much?” I was out of breath by the time I
finished my rant.

“
Emilie!” she screamed. “Emilie,
get in here right now!”

“
Why are you bringing her into
this? This is between you and me.”

Emilie stumbled in the room with her
head hung low. She furiously cracked her knuckles and when she
spoke her voice was faint and frightened. “Madame.”

Maman viciously grabbed Emilie’s tignon
and yanked it, along with a fistful of Emilie’s hair. “Do you want
to be like her?” she asked.

“
Maman, let go of
her!”

“
Do you want to be like
her? Do you?” she asked again. “Do you?”

Bitter tears streamed down Emilie’s face
as she tried to free herself from Maman’s grasp. She glanced at me
desperately. Her eyes met mine fully for the first time, begging
for help.

“
Maman, I’m asking you let go of
her!”

“
Don’t think you’re any
different. Don’t think this can’t be you! This
is
you!” she sneered as she roughly let
go of Emilie.

I froze at her words. “What do you
mean? What are you saying?”

She stared at me silently through glossy,
tear-filled eyes.

I looked at Emilie carefully
for the first time ever and something both remarkable and
completely terrifying happened. I saw myself. I saw the shape of my
eyes and the slant of my nose and the slightly round, soft cheeks I
secretly despised. “
Mon Dieu
… She’s my sister, isn’t she? And you’ve known all along,
yet you…” The words wouldn’t come out.

“
Stop. Please stop, Cecile. I
don’t need your judgment. Where would she have gone? To the pen?
Your Papa gave her to me after her Maman died. She’s lucky I was
kind enough to take her in.
Dieu
knows his white wife couldn’t stand the sight of
her around the home. Her life could have turned out much
worse.”

I glanced at Emilie, who was trembling and
shaking violently.

“
Kind? Kind? You think you’ve
been kind to her?” I asked incredulously, trying to understand the
reasoning behind her words. I was horror-filled as I realized that
the life I lived was one full of contradictions and twisted
truths.

“
Yes. I’ve been very kind.
Others have it far worse.”

“
Now I know why you’ve been so
cruel to her all of these years. You despise her because you can’t
stand the fact that you’re not special. You HATE the fact that she
reminds you of Papa and the fact that he has many other MISTRESSES-
both slave and supposedly free!”

She let out a huge sigh and pointed to the
door. “Get out! Get out! Get out! Go back home! This isn’t your
home! You’re no longer welcome here! Either go back to the home
Edmond provided you with or live on the streets! You are no longer
my problem! I’ve tried and I’ve tried to help you see the light,
Cecile, but it’s not working. Nothing seems to get through to you!
Get out! Get out!” Her voice was hoarse through her sobs. “You’re a
disgrace.” She fell to her knees and held her head in her hands. “I
don’t know where I went wrong with you.”

“
Fine, Maman! Have it your way!”
My temples madly throbbed and my cheeks ached but none of it
mattered. All that mattered was I had set myself free. I ran out of
the parlor and towards the front door. I no longer cared about what
she thought or making sure her reputation was left untarnished. I
was half-way out the door when I heard Emilie’s desperate
voice.

“
Please take me with you,”
she said softly.

I turned around and really looked at
my sister for the first time in my entire life.

Her eyes were wide and pleading and
her lips quivered in fear. I saw myself in her. I could have been
her. “I can’t stay here any longer either. Please help
me.”

I extended my hand for her to take. I
knew there was no way I could leave her even though I was unsure of
where I was going or how we would survive.

She eyed my hand as if it were some
foreign object. “It’s okay,” I said.

Her hand fell into mine and together we
ran down the street, not caring if we had no idea where we were
headed or how we would get there.

“
You’ve done it, Cecile!
You’ve done it! Now embrace your position as Voodoo Queen and fill
the hearts and minds of the people with spirit!” Bade
whispered.

“
Where do I start?” I
asked.

“
Your Tante. Go to your
Tante Celeste’s home and start there! There are hundreds of
desperate, spiritless people who flock to her for help. Help those
who are too weak and scared to help themselves!”

“
What if I can’t? What if?
What if?”

“
Enough what if’s! Enough
doubt! The time has come!”

“
Okay, Bade.” I pushed my
doubts aside and was determined to finally take the path I was
meant to follow.

Chapter
Twenty-Three

The Road to
Freedom?

Cecile LaNuit’s Home,
Rue de
Rampart

New Orleans, 1853

“
Who is this?” Justine
gave Emilie the once over from head to toe. “Has Monsieur bought
you another slave even after what you did last night?”

I could tell she wasn’t pleased at
that idea because a new slave would challenge her superior position
within the household. The number of divisions within Creole society
was so absurd that sometimes I felt like slapping every one until
they all woke up and realized that we all had blood pumping through
our veins and hearts that beat in our chests. Was I insane for
thinking this way?

“
No,” I said. “This is my
sister, Emilie.” It was the first time I had said those words out
loud and it made me feel odd. There was something vastly unnatural
about the whole situation, no matter how common it may have been.
There was a moment of silence and the three of us stared at one
another, not sure what to say. Emilie nervously cracked the joints
in her knuckles and gave Justine a shy smile. I finally spoke.
“Justine, please gather your things and make sure that the cook is
sent home for the day.”