Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (25 page)

Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, “We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months’ time we’ll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?”

Harry replied, “In about three months from now.”

Moshe the farmer had made out a will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his three sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He thought this was fair.

Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were seventeen cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned rabbi. After much thought, the rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making eighteen cows. Then the rabbi gave the oldest son nine cows, the second son got six cows and the youngest two cows. There was still one cow left over, so the rabbi took his cow back home with him.

Angela was nearing sixty and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.

Immediately Moshe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, “I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world.” and “I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb.”

Finally, she called on Moshe who still had his hand in the air.

“I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ,” said Moshe.

Angela was shocked but still gave him the $50 reward. As she did so, she said, “Well, Moshe, I’m very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” Moshe replied as he pocketed the money, “I really think it was Moses, but business is business.”

Harry was walking down Madison Avenue and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesman in a coat and tie approached him and politely asked, “Can I help you, sir?"

“Yes,” replied Harry, “I would like to buy a pound of
lox."

“No, no,” responded the dignified salesman, “you mean smoked salmon.”

“OK, a pound of smoked salmon then, and make it wild salmon.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a dozen
blintzes."

“No, no, you mean crepes.”

“OK, a dozen crepes.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”

“No, no, you mean pate.”

“OK,” said Harry, “A pound of pate then and I’d like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday”

“Look,” retorted the indignant salesman, “we don’t schlep on Shabbes!”

Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.

“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”

“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still shopping.”

“Oy Vay!”
says Morris, “I hope she’s not shopping!”

Moshe says to his friend, “My Sadie and I, we are always holding hands.”

“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.

“Because if I let go, she shops.”

Beckie is out doing her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she goes up to one of the assistants and asks, “Excuse me. Can you explain the differences between all these toilet rolls, please?"

“Of course,” he replies. He points out
one
brand, “This is our best because it’s as soft as a baby’s kiss. It’s $1.50 per roll.” He picks up another roll and says to her, “This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but gentle and it’s $1 a roll.” Then, pointing to the bottom shelf he tells Beckie, “We call that roll our No Name brand, and it’s 50c per roll.”

“Give me the No Name,” says Beckie.

One week later, Beckie goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant.

“I’ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.”

“Why?” he asks.

“Because it’s rough, it’s tough and it don’t take crap off anybody!”

Harry had some shopping to do at Macy’s department store. He walked into ladieswear, went up to the lingerie counter and quietly said to the women behind the desk, “I’d like to buy a bra as a present for my wife.”

“Of course, sir, what type of bra would you like to buy?” she asked.

“What type?” replied Harry. “Do you mean to say there is more than one type?”

“Of course. Let me explain,” she said and began to show Harry bras in a variety of shapes, sizes, colors and materials. Harry looked bewildered. “There’s no need to be confused,” she said, “there are really only four types of bra.”

When Harry asked her what the four types were, she replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type and the Jewish type.”

Still confused, Harry asked, “What are the differences between them?”

The saleslady answered, “The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Latest inventions from Chelm, Poland:

A waterproof towel

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

A solar-powered torch

A book called “how to read”

Waterproof tea bags

A pedal-powered wheelchair

A full index for a dictionary

Did you hear about Moshe, who was sexually inexperienced? One day, he went into a bookshop and bought
How to Hug.
Later on, when he started to read his latest purchase, Moshe realized it was Volume 7 of the
Encyclopedia Britannica.

It’s true. You’ve heard the joke about the Jewish mothers who want to be buried at Short Hills Mall—so they can be sure that their daughters will regularly visit them? Well, these mothers had better start thinking again about where they want to be buried because scientists claim to have discovered a drug to combat the Jewish vice of shopaholicism. Those who took the drug found that their shopping impulses were reduced by at least 50 percent—whether they were shopping in malls or via the Internet or TV shopping channels. The drug is normally used to treat depression.

It’s true. Research has shown that women have just 72 minutes of shopping with their man before he starts to lose interest in the exercise. Women will happily spend 100 minutes roaming from shop to shop until something catches their eye; men, however, treat shopping as a project. Instead of looking around to compare prices, they know what they want and where to get it. So, for you Moshes and Sadies out there, it’s a good idea to get your joint shopping expedition finished within 72 minutes of arriving at the shopping center. Then, to avoid any fights, go your own separate ways. That way you’ll stay married longer!

Sadie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched. She said to the technician, “I have always hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?"