Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (22 page)

Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie’s face was severely burned. The doctor told Maurice that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Maurice offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
toches.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin!

One day, she was alone with Maurice and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the
naches
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Moshe is a member of Babylon synagogue. One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Commack synagogue to ask him for help. “Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I’ve nothing left but the clothes I’m wearing.”

“Do you have a letter from your own rabbi attesting to this fire?” Rabbi Goldman asks.

“Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately, that was also lost in the fire.”

One day, Moshe is crossing the street and gets knocked down by a car. Although he was only slightly hurt, an ambulance is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Moshe and a pillow under his head and asks, “Sir, are you comfortable?"

Moshe looks up and says, “Vell, I make a living!”

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a ten-ton truck and landed up in the hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggled to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.”

“What does she read?”

“My life insurance policy.”

Beckie and Lou decided to take their little son, Sam, on his first visit to the beach. Dressed in his little swimming trunks and hat and bucket and spade in hand, Sam happily played at the water’s edge as his mother and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents’ horror, a huge wave crashed down on Sam and then dragged him far out to sea. As neither Beckie nor Lou could swim, Beckie began to wail and cry, “Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"

Suddenly another huge wave cast Sam back up on the sand at his parents’ feet. Beckie inspected her son, then quickly looked back toward the heavens and said, “He had a hat!”

Eighty-four-year-old Morris is hit by a car and lies bleeding on the pavement. A policeman arrives on the scene and seeing the state Morris is in, immediately calls for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrives first. He bends over Morris and asks, “Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

Morris lifts his head, opens his eyes wide, turns to the crowd that had gathered around him, and says, “Here I am, laying here dying and this
shmendrick
is asking me riddles!”

Morris walked into a lawyer’s office for some advice. Before he started, however, he quite rightly asked the lawyer about his rates.

“How much do you charge for advice?”

“A hundred and fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the solicitor.

“Isn’t that very expensive?” asked Morris.

“Yes,” replied the solicitor, “and what was your third question?”

Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box. “How old are you?” asked the prosecution lawyer.

“I am,
kinahora
[may I be protected from the evil eye], 82.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I am,
kinahora,
82 years old.”

“Please just give a simple answer to my question,” said the lawyer. “How old are you?”

“Kinahora,
82,” replied Abe.

The judge then intervened and said to Abe, “If you don’t want to be held in contempt of court, you will answer the question and only the question.”

The defense lawyer then got up and said to the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask the witness?” and turned toward Abe.
“Kinahora,
how old are you?”

Abe replied, “82.”

Some thieves broke into the Joint Israel Appeal offices. They got away with over $1 million in pledges.

A member of the jury is about to be sworn in but he tells the Court that he is deaf in one ear. The judge tells him, “You really can’t serve on the jury.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can only hear one side.”

A policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle in Queens. They are unmistakably Chassidic: skullcaps, long sidelocks, prayer shawls, the works. He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong. After a long ride during which they go on to Forest Boulevard and then
on
to many side roads, he can find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.

“I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you have made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be doing perfectly. How do you do it?”

“HaShem
is with us,” they reply.

“That’s it! Now I’ve got you!” exclaimed the policeman. “Three people on a motorcycle.”

Harry and Freda get stopped by a police car. When the police officer gets to their car, Harry says, “What’s the problem, officer?”

Officer: You were going at least 65mph in a 50mph zone. Harry: No sir, I was going fifty.

Freda: Oh, Harry, You were going seventy.

Harry gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken brake light.

Harry: Broken brake light? I didn’t know about a broken brake light!

Freda:Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that brake light for months.

Harry gives Freda a really dirty look.

Officer: I am also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt.

Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Freda: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Harry turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your damn mouth!”

The police officer turns to the woman and says, “Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Freda replies, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Michael and Hetty, an elderly couple, are on vacation in Vermont when they decide to take a drive into the countryside. Hetty is driving when she gets stopped by a traffic policeman. The officer comes up to the car and says to her, “Madam, did you know you were speeding?"

Hetty turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”

Michael yells back at her, “He says you were speeding.”

The policeman then says to Hetty, “May I see your driving license?”

Hetty turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”

Michael yells back at her, “He wants to see your driving license.”

So Hetty gives the officer her license.

The policeman looks at the license and then says, “Ah. I see you are both from Asbury Park, New Jersey. I spent some time there many years ago and I’ll always remember the time that I went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.”

Hetty turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”

Michael yells back at her, “He says he thinks he knows you.”

It is midnight and a cold night in Roslyn when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewelers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognizes him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.

“Did you have an accomplice?” the judge asks him.

“What’s an accomplice?” asks Morris.

“A partner,” replies the judge. “In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?”

“Of course, what else?” says Morris, “Who can get reliable help these days?”

Moshe and Bernie were in court and standing before the judge.

“Why can’t this case be settled out of court?” the judge asked.

Moshe looked up at the judge and said, “That’s what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered.”

Shlomo’s business had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new Mercedes convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealers, he decided to take it out on a spin on the highway. Soon he was driving at 80mph with the wind blowing through his hair. “This is brilliant,” he said to himself and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror showed him a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him.