Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (19 page)

I got Delia to describe in detail what had happened. This is what she told
me:

'Lily's [Jamie's eight-year-old sister] friends had come over to play. They let
Jamie join in their game of rounders, but when he was 'out' he started to
play up. He wouldn't give the bat back and started to hit Lily. Everyone was
getting upset. I took Jamie inside - I told him he had until the count of three
to give it back or he would be on the Chair. He refused. I took the bat and
told him he was on the Time Out Chair. He completely ignored me. He
went straight into the garden and caused more trouble. I picked him up and
put him back on the Chair, but he would not stay. He ran upstairs. He
treated the whole thing like it was a game.'

Delia explained that she gave up chasing him when she felt her temper rising
and the desire to smack growing inside her. On other days, too, Jamie
responded in a similar way. Delia wanted more advice on what to do.

Lots of parents find their child refuses point-blank to sit on the Chair,
won't stay on it, and treats the whole thing as a joke. This kind of difficulty is
so common with Time Out that I knew exactly what advice to offer:

'When you reach "Three", you know that Jamie is going to ignore what you
say and will not go on the Chair. In the past you have chased him and got
wound up. This way he has learned that being defiant gets him lots of
attention. Next time he refuses to sit on the Chair, pick him up firmly but
safely and put him back on it. Tell him that if he gets off (and you and I
know he will), you will ignore him until he sits there properly.

'From then on, Delia, I want you to enforce CLOSE-down as firmly as you
can. By this I mean no eye contact, no communication, no persuasion;
offer no drinks, no treats - nothing - until he sits on the Chair! This
sounds extreme, but if you want to get your message across you must not
give in. And you must be prepared to keep it up for as long as it takes.

'The more attention he demands, the less he receives. If you must respond at
all simply say "I'm waiting for you to sit on The Chair!"'

I added:

'When Rick comes home explain the situation and get him to back you up
by enforcing CLOSE-down too. You can act as normally as possible with
other members of the family. But until Jamie sits on the Chair, for him
nothing changes.'

I advised Delia that few children push the limits beyond an hour or two at
the most. Exceptionally, the stalemate can carry on until bedtime. I reassured
her that she and Jamie could end the day with stories and cuddles, but she
should tell her son that if he played up again the next day he would go on the
Chair again.

Delia asked me, `What do I do if he ups the ante by threatening to hurt
himself or me or destroy something in the house? I can't ignore that, can IT

I agreed with her that there are times when you have to act. You have to
prevent your child hurting himself or others. However, I still suggest you try
to avoid smacking. All too often this can make things worse. Here are two
other ways to regain control of the situation, and a word on smacking - for
the times when you think it just can't be avoided.

I also suggested to Delia that when things have calmed down she should let
Jamie know she understood how upset he had been. She might, perhaps,
offer him a drink as they talked things over together.

Remember:

• It is all right to be understanding and caring

But it is wrong to be apologetic

And Delia should not give up on her request that Jamie sits quietly for a time
on the Time Out Chair. When he has calmed down, she should tell him
gently but firmly that she now wants him to sit on the Chair so that his Time
Out can come to an end. If he refuses, she must start the procedure again until
he does.

RECAP

• Once you have started Time Out you must follow through. If your
child refuses to sit on the Chair, ignore him until he complies. If
you have a partner or relative helping you with childcare, he or she
must back you up and follow the same line as you.

• If your child looks as though he may harm himself or others, do
not attempt to ignore it. Act! Take charge of the situation in the
way that feels most appropriate and comfortable.

• Remember, after a tantrum has been contained, you must reinforce
Time Out. Persist until your child complies.

Delia took my advice, and at our next meeting she told me the difference in
Jamie was remarkable. Within thirty minutes of taking this firm line on
ignoring, he sat on the Chair and the Time Out followed smoothly through
the stages.

Frequently asked questions

Q. `How do we use Time Out with behaviour problems that happen in public?'

A: The simple answer is `Don't'. Using Time Out with an audience of
strangers places you in a vulnerable and weak position. It is hard to appear
in control while struggling with your feelings of embarrassment. Your child
may pick up on this and use the opportunity to become the boss.

QQ 'So how do I cope with problems in the supermarket, at children's parties,
restaurants and so on?'

A: I recommend three simple strategies for behaviour in public.

1. Before you go into a potentially difficult situation such as a visit to a
supermarket or restaurant, take time to sit down with your child and
spell out clearly what you expect from her. Get her to repeat back her
understanding of what she has been told.

2. Tell your child what reward or privilege will follow her compliance
with your expectations. This acts as an incentive for good behaviour
and positively reinforces the success you may have.

3. Be crystal-clear that there will be a comeback for bad behaviour
when you get home, and spell out what it will be. For example,
throwing food in a restaurant would mean:

• points off the Home Points System

• plus five minutes on the Chair.

You must, of course, follow this through on your return home. Failing to do so will send out the message `It's all been forgotten' or `I
don't really mean what I say.' This will leave her confused about
what to expect in the future.

Q_`My child has just broken a treasured possession. How can I use Time Out to show
how angry and upset I am and punish her?'

A: Quite effectively - let's look again at the instructions of the Time Out
recipe (page 129). The deed is done - so no point in counting to three! Tell
her straight, 'I told you not to touch that. You have broken it and Daddy is
very upset. You will sit on the Chair until I tell you to get off.' From then on
follow all the advice from instruction 3 onwards.

Q `Can I use Time Out for not doing something?'

A: Yes. Very often your child may defy you by not doing a job you asked her
to do (e.g. not tidying up). Time Out is useful here as well. Follow
instructions 1-6 as usual, and when she gets off the Chair lead her back to
the job you have asked her to do and say, `Now I want you to put your toys
in the toy box!'

Q:'I am concerned that Time Out may upset my child. Should we attempt to patch
things up afterwards?'

A: You're right to have these worries. Although preferable to physical force,
Time Out will upset your child and the advice I always give is to look for
ways to make things up between you after you have used it. Encouraging
small gestures that your child can do to please you, such as drawing a card
or picture, is often helpful. It gives you a chance to dispel any atmosphere or
tension that may have built up and, most important, it gives you an
opportunity to praise. Surprisingly, children are happy to do this, probably
because it puts them back in charge of their lives again and lets them control
the process of making things better between them and their parents.

Time Out really appropriate for older children?'
Q Is

A: There is no doubt that Time Out proves to be very effective with younger
children because the learning happens in their formative years. If you are
using Time Out for the first time with a child of seven or older you must
respect the autonomy and reasoning that she had already gained. Go for
punishments that have more meaning for an older child, such as:

• loss of freedom - e.g. grounding her in her room, no friends allowed
home

• loss of privileges - e.g. deducting HPS points and pocket money.

Reserve the use of the Chair for those occasions when you need to make a
special point about her behaving immature.

For older children the length of Time Out can be extended on each
occasion that you have to use it - e.g. six minutes for a six-year-old plus two
minutes added for every time she goes back into Time Out. You can also tell
an older child that she can end Time Out when she herself decides that she
can control her behaviour.

Q 'How do we manage to stick at Time Out?'

A: I understand how tempting it can be to give up when progress seems
slow However, in the heat of the moment, when you are being tested to the
limit, it is very easy to underestimate the progress you have made. You may
be tempted to give up at just the point where it is really beginning to work.
At such times it can be all too easy to undermine all the hard work you have
put in.

How to avoid smacking

The key to not falling back on smacking and threatening is to make use of
the right motivators, which I hope you have been finding useful since Step 1.
Replacing the old mental messages with new empowering ones can directly
influence what you do when you are under pressure. Perhaps you would
benefit from another read of Step 1. You might want to review your
motivators, or use your regular ones more frequently.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

Here are the ideas I have used to imprint restraint on to my mind when it
comes to smacking:

As a parent I am a role model for my child.

Aggression, threats or physical force all model impulsive behaviour
- something that we want to see less of.

Smacking shows my child that I am out of control, not in control.

• If smacking worked I wouldn't have to keep doing it.

• Hurting my child damages our relationship.

• I know a better way!

Try the anchoring exercise on page 48, with these or with ideas of your own.

`You did then what you knew how to do. When you knew better, you did
better.'

Maya Angelou

There are no more tasks or strategies. The previous eleven Steps are it.

I know that not all of you will have worked through everything, but for
whatever you have managed to put into practice, well done! Allow me to be
the first to pat you on the back.

In this chapter we look back at what you have learned, take stock of what
you have achieved, and consider what difficulties you may still be facing. We
shall also look at setting goals for the future and explore ways you can get
more help and support if you need it.

In detail we will review:

• the aims of ADDapt

• how ADDapt works to shape your interaction with your ADD
child