Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (14 page)

The three key guidelines to issuing commands

1. If you are going to give a command, think first whether you are
prepared to make sure it is carried out. Remember that the
difference between a command and a request is that you are
not prepared to give in or do it yourself.

2. Commands work best when you have your child's attention.
Call her name and wait until she is looking at you before you
tell her what you want.

3. Allow her time to comply. Children always test out their parents
to see if they really have to do a task. Don't be impatient.
Always give your child time to begin the task before you jump
in with another command.

A new approach based on these guidelines is not difficult to learn. Keep your
commands short and use language your child can understand (this applies at almost
any age).

First, you must beware of using ineffective commands - a trap that so
many parents fall into. These are the types of command to avoid:

• vague

`flooded'

• question

the sort that start with `Let's' and `We'll'

plea.

Avoid vague commands

Look at the following example:

'Put your toys away.'

This command is too vague. It doesn't specify what needs to be done. Unless
you spell out exactly what you want, how can the child be sure she's obeying
you?

A clearer message might go like this:

'Put your toys away. I want the dolls in the box and the bricks in the jar, and
I want them both under your bed. I will be back in five minutes.'

This is far more effective.

Avoid `flooded' commands

These are the sort that give too much information at once, such as:

'I want you to put your toys away now. Don't mess around as usual, leaving
things around for me to pick up ... And don't come down till you've done
it! I've told you three times and this is your last warning.'

Giving one command vaguely is bad enough, but this parent goes on giving
more and more instructions. I call these 'flooded' commands because the
information just keeps on coming. A lot of it is irrelevant. Stringing different
ideas together in this way will confuse the younger child. The verbiage
doesn't clarify the instruction - only dilutes it.

Avoid flooding your commands with comments such as:

'If I have told you once I have told you a thousand times.'

'When will you learn? Eh - answer me! When will you?'

Instead:

'Toys away now! I will be back in five minutes'

is usually sufficient.

TIP FOR SUCCESS

Always pause a little before commanding, so as to be clearer about
what you are going to say. Then be succinct.

Avoid question commands

Here are some examples of question commands:

Parent: 'Are you going to hang your uniform up or not? Let's get it over with
now, shall we?'

Child: 'No!'

Parent: 'Are you listening to me? Are you going to do as you're told?'

Child: [silence]

Parent: 'Why are you acting like this? Do you want to make me cross?'

Child 'Don't know'

Have you lost sight of what the task is? This child clearly has. The classic
mistakes here are mixing questions and commands together. I know that
parents use questions like this to develop their children's reasoning skills and
get them to reflect. But don't do it when you are trying to give commands.

A command is not a question. You want it done and you want it done now.
So turning it into a question is redundant and confusing. This parent has got
the child thinking about Mum's feelings rather than focusing on hanging up
his uniform!

I suggest 'Hang up your uniform' will be more effective.

Avoid `Let's' and `We'll'

'Let's tidy the crayons away. C'mon, we want to be a good boy for Mummy,
don't we?'

'Let's brush our teeth now, shall we?'

'We'll get dressed on time this morning, won't we?'

Phrases like 'Let's ...' and 'We'll ...' are fine as long as you intend to join in
and they aren't just commands in disguise. Many parents say, 'Let's' and
'We'll' when what they really mean is 'Do it.' They are then puzzled and
annoyed when their child expects them to take a hand or do it for them.

TIP FOR SUCCESS

If you actually think your child may need help, make it clear that
help is available if she asks for it. For example:

'Do your teeth, sweetheart - if you have problems, just ask me.'

Avoid plea commands

`I would be very grateful if you would stop kicking!... Please.'

Never mix up a command with a plea. Be straight and to the point.

Pitfalls and new approaches

Use the space below to jot down any pitfalls - ineffectual ways of
giving commands that you recognise in yourself.

As a reminder for the week ahead, write down an alternative
approach.

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

• Get your voice right - sound serious and firm. But avoid sounding
angry or aggressive, or getting agitated and red in the face. This
will make your task harder. Why? Well, from the child's point of
view, getting uptight and agitated suggests that you are already
cross with her. And if you are already cross, why should she try to
please you by doing as she is told?

Frequently asked questions

Q_' This all sounds a bit dominating and bossy to me.'

A: You're right. If this were your main way of communicating with your
child, then it would be oppressive for him. I am only suggesting that you
use the right tools for the job at the right time. There are times when you
have asked nicely and politely, and been patient, but to no avail. A child
defying you in this way won't be moved or helped by more of the same. I
am suggesting that you have to act firmly and decisively.

Q. `My child gets upset with the "new" me and that makes me feel guilty.'

A: Being firm can upset you and your child, particularly if you are
experimenting with new ways of issuing commands. But maybe we need to
tease out the issues here. If you have set limits in an appropriate way there is
nothing to feel guilty about. If you are still feeling guilty, then don't show it
to him. It's a mixed message.

But what if you are still feeling guilty about your child's reaction to the limits
you set?

Ultimately it is not your limits that are being tested, but your resolve. In
other words, your limits are not at fault; what your child wants to do is test
your ability to enforce them and then stick to your guns. This is
Negative-Attention Trap territory! If you are finding this test of your resolve
hard to bear, then there are a couple of things you can do:

1. Gather support around you, so as to help you feel better about seeing
your limits through to the end.

2. Check out some new motivators (see Step 1) that enable you to
prevail when the going gets tough.

Q. `What about negotiation, and what about listening to children?'

A: Listening and negotiating are often taken to be the same thing. They
aren't. I am not suggesting that you should never negotiate with your child.
But if a task must be done and done now, negotiation doesn't come into the
equation. Asking politely, waiting and trying again are all forms of
negotiation. Only do these things if you are really prepared to negotiate -
which means you are prepared to concede on the right terms. If it's not
negotiable, don't negotiate.

Listening, however, is crucial at all times. I urge you, even when you are
in the midst of giving commands, to listen to your child:

• Give him your full attention.

• Don't interrupt or speak over him.

• Demonstrate that you have heard and understood.

But unless something you have heard has swayed you, simply say, `I
understand what you mean [what you are saying] but I want you to clear this
mess up now [or whatever]. We can talk about that later.'

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

After you have been successful in following through a command,
explanations about the stand you have taken can go a long way
towards defusing any bad atmosphere. In my experience children
of all ages value and respect the fact that you take the trouble to
talk it over with them, even if they don't show it. `Talking it over'
should not be about getting them to like or agree with your
decision, so avoid renewing any argument about it. The aim is to
model how respect is shown to individuals, whatever the
differences between them.

Welcome back. You're working hard. You are:

• organising Special Times

running the Home Points System

• praising like crazy

• ignoring attention-seeking

• delivering effective commands.

The good news is that there are no exercises in this section; the only task is
reading.

Today we investigate the causes of task wars. You will:

1. read about why ADD children struggle emotionally and practically
with routine tasks

2. discover a new way of understanding the mechanism by which you
and your child get into conflict over tasks.