Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (16 page)

Now you are ready to help your child manage the routine tasks he has to do.

RECAP

• Most things-to-do aren't optional - they have to be done. This
may lead to conflict - possibly quite a lot. However, resolving the
difficulties concerning your child's attitude to things-to-do will
boost his self-esteem and lower the tension between you.

In Step 8 you will:

be shown how to draw up a task schedule - there are six key
actions involved.

learn to defuse conflicts over jobs you want your child to do

• build his self-confidence by helping him to manage tasks more
effectively.

These strategies combined, will:

• stress his strengths rather than his weaknesses

• limit the conflicts between you.

Targeting things-to-do

The solution to all the problems thrown up by things-to-do is to get your
child organised. To do this you will need to:

• break down each task into a simple sequence of steps that he can
follow

• put it into writing and get it on display; if your child can't read
fully, try little diagrams to show what needs to be done

give him support and back-up for those times when his mind starts
to wander

• add the tasks to your HPS so that they can be noticed and your
child rewarded when he has achieved them.

Start today: Draw up your schedule

Taking the sting out of things-to-do for you and your ADD child starts with
designing a schedule.

Key action 1 - list the things-to-do

Make a list of the tasks that are causing a problem every day.

Problem things-to-do

1. Getting up on time

2. Putting school uniform away

3. Being ready for bed at 9 p.m.

4. Tidying room

5. Brushing teeth

6.-,s,

Key action 2 -pick an easy one

To start with, set yourself up for a quick win by choosing a task that you are
committed to changing right away but that is also one of the easiest. It will
help you and your child if you score a goal easily first time. For some parents,
this might be tidying his bedroom; for others, getting up on time.
Remember, only one problem at a time - you are not going to solve
everything at once.

Key action 3 - draw up the schedule

Draw up a schedule that describes how the task in question would ideally get
done. For example, if tidying his room is a problem, it might look like the
one Martine drew up for Dominic.

Dominic's schedule

Every Saturday I clean my room. I watch TV until 'Live
and Kicking' finishes at 10 a.m. Then, upstairs in my room:
I find any dirty washing - clothes, bed sheets and pyjamas
- and put it outside my door.

I put away all of my things from the floor into the
crate under my bed - ready for Mum to hoover.

Next, I empty my rubbish bin.

I put any books away on the shelf - so Mum can clean.

I pull the bed together.

I put dirty cups in the kitchen.

Final look - does it look better? Yes - great!

Worth 50 points

It should contain all the things that need to happen and the order you want
them done in. Dominic hasn't learned to tell the time yet, so Martine has
drawn a clock face to help him be clear about what to do when. (Don't forget
to use pictures if your child doesn't read yet.)

Now this child knows exactly what he should be doing whenever his
mother calls to him, `Dominic, how are you getting on?'

This is looking good. But the schedule might still need changes. Ask
yourself Have I written the schedule clearly? Does the order reflect the best
way to get the job done? For example, are there any gaps - periods of time
that are not filled? Martine has made sure that every minute is accounted for
so that Dominic knows exactly what he should be doing to the precise
minute. Is your schedule as precise?

Have you timetabled any free spaces? It's the natural tendency for an ADD
child to get distracted and dawdle. So plan for this in your schedule. Give
him slots of free time (five minutes long) and encourage him to use it. This
will make going through the schedule less arduous for him.

Key action 4 - discuss it with your child

So far, so good. The next step is to discuss the schedule with your child. I
believe in consulting (which is different from telling) the child about any
changes that are being made in his life. Only if his parents involve him will
he have a chance to show them how bright and creative he can be. The tricks
at this point are these:

1. Emphasise that you are doing this to help him with his ADD. This
means that you are not blaming him for all the rows and problems
you have been having. It shows that you want the two of you to sort
out the ADD together.

2. Encourage him to change the schedule you have made. This way you
will have captured his interest; he is part of the plan; and you can
include him in discussions if things don't work out.

Key action 5 - make a final draft

With all these suggestions in mind, draw up a final draft. Martine's looked
like this:

Every Saturday I clean my room. I watch TV until 'Live
and Kicking' finishes at 10 a.m. Then, upstairs in my room:
I find any dirty washing - clothes, bed sheets and pyjamas
- and put it outside my door.

I put away all of my things from the floor into the
crate under my bed - ready for Mum to hoover.

Next, I empty my rubbish bin.

I put any books away on the shelf - so Mum can clean.

I pull the bed together.

I put dirty cups in the kitchen.

Final look - does it look better? Yes - great!

Worth 50 points

You have now taken the first step towards organising your on or daughter.
You will notice that Dominic's schedule now has a tick box in it. Every day
that the task or tasks get completed more or less as set out, Dominic earns a
tick. Why? Because you have to demonstrate that you notice when your child
is succeeding, and that success must be transferred as points to the HPS so
that it can be rewarded. I cannot emphasise enough that you should build in
small incentives for getting things right.

Key action 6 - target the rest of the things-to-do

The final stage is gradually to target each of the different problem areas and
design new schedules for them. As Dominic achieves progress with one,
Martine introduces another - this is her action list:

Draw up the problem list. Choose one problem.

Write up the schedule. Revise it.

Discuss it with your child.

• Display it widely around the house.

• Record success and transfer as points to the HPS. Give incentives.

• Remember, praising success is especially powerful when it comes
to getting results.

Nov please flick back and re-read 'Task Peace' on page 106.

Frequently asked questions

Q- 'But will my child follow the schedule?'

A: That's difficult to predict. In most cases one should not expect things to
run smoothly at first, but perseverance with this approach works for most
people after ten days. Step 9, 'Home Points System: Part 2', explains how
you can deal with non-compliance.

Q'Doesn t this approach take the spontaneity out of life?'

A: To some extent, yes, but remember it is your child's spontaneity that at
the moment is causing so much frustration. And every piece of research and
every bit of evidence on ADD suggest that organisation, timetables and
routines worked out with your child are all-important. It's true they don't
make for spontaneity, but they will make for a quiet life. And the sense of
being trapped will pass, for you and your child alike. You have to be clear
and have routines if you want her to overcome the problems presented by
this condition.

Q 'How do I explain this to my child?'

A: Emphasise that you both have to follow the programme and that it will
benefit both of you. Above all be positive. Your child is unlikely to welcome
this change, so it is important that you describe the routine in positive terms,
emphasising the ways in which it will be helpful. For instance, 'When we
keep to the times set out, I can have my breakfast at the same time as you,
and you can get to school on time without us ending up in a bad mood with
each other.' This underlines the fact that you will be as affected by the
routine as she will be.

Q `How cool should I be?'

A: Be firm with her. Do not be pushed around by a child hell-bent on
sabotage. Use Time Out if you need to - if she tears up the schedule, for
example (see Step 10, `Time Out for Difficult Behaviours: Part 1').

Still turning the pages! That's excellent. Consider yourself an expert - even if
you have adapted the programme to suit your own needs in some way or cut
a few corners. Reading this much means that you know what works and can start
educating others. Go for it.

Step 3 introduced you to the Home Points System. So far, you have been
using only one half of its potential. I now want to show you the key actions
you need to undertake to get even more out of this powerful tool. Now you
introduce a new element to the HPS: an agreement that points earned can be
lost if simple and basic expectations are not met.

`Less-of' behaviours

`Less-of' behaviours will generally be the things you have moaned about a
couple of hundred times. The version of the Home Points System that you
have been using up to now has encouraged you and your child to find ways
of earning rewards for maintaining `good' behaviour and completing tasks
effectively. Hopefully, he has earned and you have given some rewards.
Ideally, he is reaping the benefit of scoring high points. Over the next pages
you will radically change the HPS. It will start to reflect the need for your
child to think about others and accept that he cannot have everything all his
own way. He is ready for this challenge because you have:

• strengthened the bond between you

• rewarded him for just being him

praised him through the roof