Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (17 page)

• encouraged every effort he has made

supported him in his attempts to get organised

• been patient when it counts.

This week you will:

introduce penalties for behaviour you want to see less of

• clarify your expectations for good behaviour

keep the HPS in charge.

Targeting the `less-ofs'

Your HPS chart makes it clear that you encourage and reward the things your
child does more of. Now you must spell out the behaviours you want to see
less of or not at all. You know that nagging has never produced change, and
never will. Nagging is useless with ADD children, but the HPS combined
with your beefed-up skills of assertiveness will reap the rewards you are
looking for.

Key action 1 - list the `less-ofs'

Introduce `less-ofs' in the same way that you set up the HPS at the start, with
only `more-ofs'. So, first on a sheet of paper, make a list of less-ofs. Not too
many but enough to get started - say four or five. The same rules apply as
with more-ofs. Include only those behaviours that you are certain he or she is
capable of stopping if motivated. Things like:

Less-of behaviours

1. Interrupting me on the phone after I have warned you
once

2. Using the F word at any time

3. Punching your little brother at any time

4. Climbing over the fence into next-door's garden at any
time

5.-n

Be specific. So don't say things like `Stop being rude' or `Don't be immature'.
I know this is precisely what you do want, but this is our old enemy the vague
command. This kind of catch-all wording casts you as a dictator because you
haven't spelt out exactly what you want. This will alienate most kids. It
smacks of `I and I alone decide what rude or immature is', and from your
child's perspective it means you claim the right to make up the rules as you go
along.

To overcome this, list only those behaviours that are observable and
specific. For example, 'You will be in the house by four o'clock after school
unless you ring first.' And swap vague comments like 'Be polite to my
friends' for specific guidelines like 'Say hello when you answer the phone,
not "What?".'

Key action 2 - make the less-oft chart

Here is a new chart that I want you to draw up. Fill in the less-ofs column
with the items on your list.

Quite a daunting prospect for an ADD child, isn't it? So proceed with
caution.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Let your child know why you are highlighting this
change-directed behaviour.

Keep the penalties low. You don't want him going massively into
debt - especially not at the start.

Key action 3 - put it all together

The final step is setting up a way of recording the balance at the end of the
day, after points have been earned and lost. See the chart below, which
combines the charts on pp.67, 70 and 122.

MORE TIPS FOR SUCCESS

• Reward immediately. Remember, behaviour that is reinforced
immediately has the best chance of being repeated. Recognise and
reinforce a positive behaviour right after it occurs, especially if it is
one that has been recently added to the chart. I know I've said this
before, but I can't overemphasise its importance.

Don't nag to get things done. Let the HPS do the work.

• Calculate points daily. Make time to go through the points earned,
lost or spent each day. Ensure that your child is there when you do
it. It's good for fairness. It's good for his arithmetic skills.

• No loans.

Don't fall into the trap of engaging in debates and deals to do with
the chart. ADD children are bright - they will frequently try to
talk you out of a fine and convince you that they did right and you
have got it wrong. Don't argue the toss and don't strike up
elaborate deals such as 'OK, not this time, but you must do twice
as much homework on Thursday to make up.' How would you keep track of all these extra demands, anyway? Stick to the rules
you agreed and take points away with no further discussion.

Avoid a lot of negativity about penalties by holding family
meetings to revise the chart - especially if there is a big issue to do
with a particular less-of behaviour. Have some fun. Appoint a
chairperson who can bring the meeting to order. Take minutes and
wear hats. Have a tea break with a treat to make the atmosphere
warm and nurturing. But also make sure the business is done and a
new agreement is reached that stops silly arguments and niggles.

• Get him to spend, spend, spend. It is a sign of success and an
incentive for him. As always, give him plenty of opportunities to
spend his `cash' and get rewards and privileges.

Frequently asked question

Q. `Do I use the same ideas with a younger child?'

A: Yes. The same rules apply. If you are using tokens, taking them away is
the way to spell out that some behaviours have to stop. Explain clearly why
you are doing this and what your child needs to do in the future to prevent
it.

FINAL TIP FOR SUCCESS

Don't forget, praise and recognition are powerful motivators. Take
every opportunity to praise your child. Changing is tough!
Hopefully this is second nature to you by now. But I thought I'd
mention it, just in case.

This chapter contains all you need to know in order to get your own way
with your child without resorting to threats, aggression, screaming or losing
your temper. It teaches you the effectiveness of the `Time Out' routine, which
will give you:

1. winning strategies for head-to-head confrontations

2. a clear procedure when flash-points occur.

Decide on your strategy

If you have ever felt on the brink of becoming uncontrollably violent with
your child (and who hasn't at some time?); if you have ever screamed abuse
and said things you felt guilty about afterwards; if you have ever felt you have
tried everything and have reached the end of your tether - then this chapter
is for you. Having a strategy to handle such situations is important, because
we are all prone to losing our temper when under a lot of stress. Parents
lashing out physically or verbally is especially confusing for ADD kids
because they are constantly being told to control themselves and be less
impulsive.

Throughout this programme there will be occasions when your child will
throw down an unmistakable challenge: 'I won't do it and you can't make
me.' This kind of defiance isn't unique to ADD children, but it is more common with them. At times like these your child requires a swift and
appropriate reminder that you are in charge.

By the way, I am not saying you should never smack a child under any
circumstances. I am a realist, not an evangelist, and there are occasions when
a smack can be appropriate. For instance, stopping a wilful toddler who
doesn't understand the danger of traffic with a swift smack on the hand
followed by a simple explanation is effective. But the fact that smacking
works in these circumstances does not mean it is suitable for the majority of
situations. If it looks like becoming your main method of trying to control
your child's behaviour, I suggest that something is going very wrong.