Passion (13 page)

Sometime later I heard voices
in the hall outside my door.

“I don’t care that he’s sick, he almost killed her and for what,
because she went to spend thanksgiving with her mother?”

“I don’t have all the facts Captain but I’m pretty sure there’s
more to it than that, has to be. One thing I can tell you, if these two kids
react this way to being apart I think it would be homicidal to keep them from
each other.” Thanks dad. 

“She keeps asking for him, but how can I trust him?”

“You don’t worry about that Captain, I’ll deal with him.”

“Damn kids, whatever happened to carefree teenage years?”

“Captain the world is a changed place, let’s go grab some awful
hospital swill and calm down, I think we could both use it, those kids scared
five years off my damn life.”

“Margaret’s with her so I guess that would be okay.”

They walked away.

I must’ve fallen asleep because
when I woke up I was me again. I had no idea how much time had passed and didn’t
care.

I made my way down the hall looking for her room.

She was like a magnet drawing me to her.

She was asleep when I reached her room; mom and Vanessa were there
with her.

“Joshua....”

“Son.....”

They both ran crying to hug me.

“I’m fine.....” I kissed both their heads.

“How is she?”

“The doctor says she’s just slightly malnourished but we got her
just in time, a few more days and her organs could’ve started to shut down. I
don’t know what happened between you two, but my son would never let such a
thing happen.”

“I didn’t know mom.....”

“Shame on you, listen Joshua I’ve always pretty much let you go
your own way, your brain scares me, all that intelligence in one so young, but
I didn’t realize I had neglected to teach you the social graces.....you never
break the ones you love, you might bend them a little, but you never break
them....that is a broken girl in that bed.”

I felt sick. What had I done, was it really worth it, did I prove
my point.....I’d say so, but not just to her, I’d proven something to myself as
well.

“Can you two leave us alone for a while?”

“Son....”

“It’s
alright mom, it’s going to be alright.”

She’d come to me, I have to
remember that, before all this happened, she’d come to me, to take back what’s
hers she’d said. I held on to that.

That’s right, I was as much hers as she was mine. I’d forsaken
mine, almost destroyed it.

They left and I approached the bed.

She was so pale and small; I felt my gut twist in agony as I
looked at what I had inadvertently brought about.

I’d read her diaries, I knew what her life had been, had Paula
ever betrayed her like I did, was I now the new monster in her world?

No I couldn’t think like that, she’d come to me, she hadn’t given
up on us.

I’d missed a few steps though, my dominant nature had not only
over shadowed her, it had almost crushed her.

I climbed onto the narrow hospital bed with her and carefully drew
her onto my chest.

With my hand in her hair and the other holding one of hers, I felt
whole for the first time since I’d climbed out her bedroom window the day she
left.

“I’m sorry......”

Josh

I held her all night while
she slept; her father had come into the room and given me a hard look before
leaving again.

The hospital staff had tried to get me to leave but I’d frozen
them out, let them fucking try.

My father’s influence had put an end to their interference though
and soon I was fast asleep with

her in my arms.

I awoke sometime later to a screeching voice. At first I couldn’t
make out what the person was screaming about but I eventually caught a few
words.

From what I could piece together I figured it was Paula out there.

The door opened and this bleach blonde harpy came into the room,
all motherly concern.

I was off the bed before she could get the first word out. 

I crowded her until she backed up out of the room, the Captain and
my family watched me like I’d gone around the bend, maybe I had.

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“Wha...who are you?”

I leaned into her so I could whisper in her ear.

She turned sheet white before she pulled back to look me in the
face.

“Well....fine, I’ll just come back later then.”

“Don’t bother; you can see her when she’s well enough to decide if
that’s what she wants.”

“Joshua what the hell is going on, you’re being rather
presumptuous aren’t you, that’s Carrie’s mother....”

“Yeah and you’re her father, and I’m her soul mate and we each in
our own way let her down. I’m fixing my shit starting now, and that means no
one gets near her again.” 

“Boy.....”

“Captain I’m not doing this here with you, not while she’s lying
there like that but I will tell you this, one day you should ask your daughter
about her life with her so called mother.....”

“I don’t know what lies Carrie told you......

“Carrie
doesn’t lie, she’s the most honest fucking person I know, and she didn’t tell
me shit, I read it in the diaries she’s been keeping since she was ten years
old you bitch.”

I knew I was losing my shit,
partly due to guilt and partly because I knew that most of my lamb’s issues
stemmed from her treatment at this bitch’s hands.

I turned to the Captain next.

“I fucked up, but we got a shit load of work to do, you can either
work with me or against me, but know this, no one will come between us, no one,
and before you go casting blame know that this was always bound to happen, she’s
always been on a collision course with disaster, you’re partly to blame for
that too, not because you didn’t care, but because you didn’t know.”

“What the hell are you talking about son?”

“Not here Captain and I’m not leaving her so it’ll have to be
another time.”

“Paula you better start talking.” He pulled her down the hall by
her elbow.

“You okay there son?” Dad came over to me as the others left the room.

“I will be....dad I fucked up.”

“How so son?”

I’d never shied away from telling my parents anything, why start
now.

“Carrie pissed me off and I....I reacted badly, I might’ve gone
too far. She made this comment about some guy she met in Europe; looking back I
can see that it was just a joke to her...but at the time.......”

“Knowing you son, I know you wouldn’t be able to see the humor in
something like that. Does she have any idea what you feel for her?”

“No, not really,...I’ve spent so much time trying to get her to
see that side of me, the side that she’d have to put up with for the rest of
her life, that I think I neglected to show her my heart.”

“Joshua, son, you’re like your grandpa, old before your time, you
don’t think like a teenager, it might be hard for a young girl to understand
your more...... intense ways.”

Yeah my father knows I’m a dominant fuck, the thing is, this isn’t
a bedroom persona, this is who I am, and I’m honest enough to know it’s who I’ll
always be.

I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt my lamb again, but I can
promise that I’ll never let her come to this ever again, not by my doing or
anyone else’s.

She slept fitfully off and on for the rest of the morning.

I read to her, sang to her, and throughout it all I held her.

My family and her dad were in and out all day until the Captain
had to go to work. We exchanged a long stare before he left.

He got the picture, I wasn’t going anywhere, the funny thing is
Carissa thought I was overbearing before, this shit was only going to make it
worse.

Now I
knew how weak she really was, I was going to be even more of a dick, my
protector shield was in place, she needed me, I needed her. We just had to meet
halfway.

When she finally awoke we
just stared at each other until she broke down in tears and almost tore my
fucking heart out of my chest.

“Baby, don’t, I’m sorry little lamb, I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t
know, didn’t realize.”

“I hate you.”

She said this even as she clung to me.

“I know I’ll make it better.”

“You promised.”

I felt my own tears start to fall....fuck for the first time in my
life I felt like a seventeen year old boy.

“I love you lamb, I’ll never hurt you like that again....but you
have to stop running away.”

“I didn’t leave because you whipped me Joshua; I left
because......you shouldn’t be trying to control me.”

I held her closer; her words were soft and weak, her body still
fighting to come back to itself. The doctors say it’ll be a while, maybe a few
weeks, but as long as she keeps a steady diet she should be back to normal.

This was a conversation best left for when she was better.

“We’ll talk when you’re feeling better okay, just know that I’m
not going anywhere, ever again.”

She fell asleep after that.

Josh

I’d had my parents get our
work from school so we could keep up with our classes while she was in here.

There was no way I was leaving her; we spent our days reading and
completing assignments.

She was being kept until her vitals were back to normal and they
were sure she was on the mend, my dad had a lot to do with that I’m sure
because these days they were quick to kick you out of the hospital bed.

“Are you ready for your shower?”

She’d been getting sponge baths from the nurse but this was her
third day here, although she was still weak, she insisted on taking a shower, I’d
told her the only way that was going to happen was if I was there to take care
of her

We haven’t had any heavy discussions as yet, everything has been
kept light, but we both know that we needed to have that talk; so far it’s just
been about school work and lighter things.

Every
night I held her as she slept, watching over her until sleep took me away as
well.

I helped her up from the bed
and into the bathroom; she was being shy all of a sudden.

“Stop that baby; I’ve seen you naked before, there’s nothing to be
shy about.”

I took the back of the gown from her grasp as she held onto the IV
machine with the other.

Peeling it off first one arm and then unhooking the bag from the
machine to remove the other I almost fell to my knees at what I saw.

She got into the shower stall and turned on the water quickly
while I hooked the saline bag back up, never taking my eyes from her body.

I started to run the washcloth over her back and that’s when I
fucking broke.

With the shower running, I pulled her down on the floor of the
stall into my lap as I cried.

“I’m so sorry baby.....” Her fucking body, not that she’d had much
weight to begin with, but she was healthy before, I could count her ribs now,
her hip bones were pronounced, and her vertebrae were shooting through her
skin.

She felt like a starved kitten under my hands.

What the fuck had I done, when I’d decided to keep myself away
from her, I’d never expected this. I expected her to push back hard, to show me
that she was tough, but eventually she would realize she couldn’t live without
me.

I’d obviously underestimated the weakness of her psyche and in
doing so had almost killed her.

“I’m so sorry lamb...I promise you, never again, no matter what.”

I took one of her malnourished hands in mine and brought our
joined hands to my chest over my erratically beating heart.

“I want you to listen to me, as long as I live, no matter how mad
I might become, I will never not be in love with you, never, please hold on to
that. 

I’m sorry I hurt you like this, there are no words to justify what
I did, no excuses good enough, but I will make this up to you, just please
baby, don’t ever do this to yourself again. I love you little lamb, others
might not understand, they might think we’re too young to know, but I know, I
know I’ll never love anyone the way I love you, and believe it or not, I know
from this, that you love me as much as I love you,....just please baby....don’t...”

I couldn’t finish as she turned her head into my neck and cried,
heart hurt, gut wrenching sobs that shook her poor emaciated body like she was
about to break apart.

I
folded her slight form into my arms and held her as she cried out her sorrow
while the water poured down on us.

I had a lot to do, after we’d
finished in the shower I’d changed her gown for one of my t shirts and had them
change the sheets on her bed.

I slow fed her the burger I’d had Matt sneak in for her, they didn’t
want her eating too much too fast, but she wanted it and I figured if I gave
her little bites every few minutes it should be okay.

There was no repeat performance from Paula and Captain had been in
and out the last few days, he seemed to be getting better at trusting me with
her again, but I knew that relationship needed to be rebuilt as well. I’d been
a total dick to him.

Don’t be fooled, I’m still the same Joshua, I’ve just been putting
shit in perspective, I’m always going to be dominant, that’s who the fuck I am,
but I’d learned that as tough as she pretended to be, it’d been a con, she was
tough yes, with everyone else, but with me, it was another story, just as she
was the one that could break me, I was her one weakness as well.

I was going to have to be careful of her tender heart in the
future.