Pieces of My Heart (39 page)

‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’

‘Yeah. I want to see if she’s OK,’ Sarah said, and went to get her coat.

44

When we arrived at the clinic Denise told us that Ali was in her room and had just come from a session with Mary Boland that had gone well. She was much calmer. Denise looked better too – less traumatized.

We found Ali sitting up on the bed, looking tired, pale and very red around the eyes from crying.

I hugged her. ‘How are you, pet?’

‘I’m OK. Sorry I gave you a fright last night. I just completely lost it.’

‘So you’re not going to try and kill yourself?’ Sarah asked.

‘No. I was just upset when I found out about Emily. She was a really good friend. I still can’t believe it.’

‘It’s terrible,’ Paul said. ‘The poor girl.’

‘Everyone’s in shock. It’s never happened here before. It’s just so awful.’ Ali was trying not to cry.

‘It’s horrendous. Poor Emily,’ I said.

Sarah’s phone beeped for the millionth time that morning. ‘Turn it off,’ I snapped.

‘I can’t help it if everyone wants congratulate me on my performance.’

‘Oh, was the play yesterday? How did it go?’ Ali asked.

‘Well, your little room-trashing episode meant Mum and Dad missed it because they were here playing nursemaid to you.’

‘I’m sorry they missed it but my good friend died so of course I reacted badly.’

‘I can see that from the state of your room.’ Sarah looked around at the ripped posters and broken chair. ‘I can’t imagine you smashing up furniture. It’s very rock and roll.’

‘I just couldn’t believe Emily was gone.’

‘Well, she was pretty messed up. With the shitty father and the mother who couldn’t cope with it all and then the hopping and the self-harm. She had no family and no quality of life. Who’s going to fancy someone who jumps like a lunatic and has scars all over her? I don’t blame her for topping herself – I would have.’

‘She just couldn’t see a life after here.’

‘Well, you’re lucky because you have zillions of people wanting you to get better and supporting you and waiting for you to come home.’

Ali nodded. ‘I know I’m lucky.’

‘Guess what?’ Sarah changed direction.

‘What?’

‘Bobby’s mother was in here, like, years ago. She had bulimia but they totally cured her. You should see her – she looks amazing. Maybe I could introduce you to her when you get out of here. She’s really cool and super-glamorous. I met her last night and she thinks I rock.’

‘She sounds great. I’d love to meet her.’

Sarah’s phone beeped again. ‘I need to go and answer these calls. Everyone wants to talk to me about the play. They all think I totally nailed the part.’ She bent over to give Ali a kiss. It was the first time she’d done that in ages. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling better. Hang in there.’

‘Thanks for coming in and I’m sorry Mum and Dad missed your play.’

‘Yeah, well, hopefully none of the other freaks in here will top themselves. I’ll call you later. Dad, can you give me the keys? I’ll wait for you in the car.’

Paul handed them to her and she left. Then he said, ‘Listen, Ali, after what happened yesterday I want you to know that you can come home if you like. You don’t have to stay here.’

I held my breath and prayed she’d say no. I really wanted her to stay and continue getting better.

‘To be honest, Dad, when I woke up this morning I wanted to run as far away from here as I could, but after talking to Mary I know that would be the worst thing to do. I have to stay here, face this, deal with it and make sure I don’t end up like Emily.’ She began to sob. I climbed onto the bed and held her. ‘We were going to help each other get better. We were going to support each other on the outside.’

‘I know, Ali.’ I tried to soothe her. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s such a terrible thing to happen – but, you know, as Sarah said, Emily had very little support and you have lots. We’re all here to help you.’

Ali sniffled. ‘I know Mum and I do feel very lucky. I just can’t believe she killed herself. I feel that I let her down. I tried talking to her but I couldn’t lift her out of her depression. She just kept saying, “I can’t do it, Ali, I can’t make it in the real world.” I told her she could lean on me. I told her I’d help her, but it wasn’t enough. If only I’d seen the signs maybe I could have stopped her. I should have seen this coming.’

‘Ali, you could never have prevented this. You have to remember that Emily was very damaged. She had an incredibly difficult childhood where she was told she was worthless every day. She had no self-esteem or confidence whatsoever. She was extremely sensitive and fragile.’

‘If only she’d seen a way out, a future. I tried to get her to think about life after the clinic, when she was cured and we could have fun together, but she didn’t believe me. Now I’m scared I’ll find it hard too on the outside.’

‘Ali, Emily didn’t have any foundations to lean on or any support group. You’re different. You have a mother and father who adore you, a sister who loves you, and a grandfather who thinks you’re the best thing in the world. You’re bright, beautiful and a lovely person inside and out. You have everything to live for. You mustn’t let this set you back. You have to use it to drive you to get better and get your life back. Emily didn’t make it because she didn’t see a future. You have a glorious future ahead of you. I’m here to hold your hand every step of the way. You must keep fighting, Ali.’

‘I felt so strong yesterday, but now it’s as though I’ve been punched in the stomach. It’s such a struggle all the time, Mum.’

‘I know it is, pet. But every recovery takes lots and lots of small steps. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and on the days when you want to give up, you grit your teeth and keep going. Look at your dad. After he was shot, everyone said he’d die from loss of blood. When he survived after eight pints of transfused blood and ten hours on the operating table, they said he’d never have full use of his legs again because of where the bullet had touched his spine. But he went to rehab and physio and he did his exercises every day, even when he was almost fainting with pain, and he got better and now he surfs ten-foot waves. You have a choice, Ali, sink or swim. Do you want to end up like Emily or do you want to live a life full of love and laughter? If I could make you better I would, but I can only prop you up. You have to choose to get better and fight for your life back.’

‘I’m trying, Mum, I really am. I want to make you proud of me and I’m sorry to put you through all this. You lost your own mum when you were my age and then Dad got shot and now I’m causing you all this pain and I never meant to – I never meant to hurt you. I saw Emily’s mother this morning walking out of Emily’s room. She was bent over, wailing with grief, clutching Emily’s sweatshirt. It was horrible. I went over to tell her what an amazing daughter she had and she just said, “They’ve taken my soul, there’s nothing left.” ’

I gulped back tears.

‘And it made me realize how awful it must be for you and Dad to see me in here and be so worried and I uh … uh … uh …’ she sobbed ‘… I just really want to get better. I want to come home and be a daughter and a sister and friend again, not a sick and miserable human being.’

I hugged her. ‘You don’t have to be sorry. We made some really bad decisions when you were small. You’ve made us proud every day of your life. We love you more than words could ever express. You are not to worry about us because we’re fine.’

Paul came over to the bed, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. ‘I want to show you something.’ He rolled his shirt up to show Ali the big scar where the bullet had gone through. ‘Every time I look at this I smile because it reminds me of how lucky I am. I survived. I got better. I have a great life. I have a wife and two beautiful daughters. There was a moment just before the operation when I thought I was going to die, but something in me said, “No way. I’m not ready to go. I want to live for fifty more years. There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to see and experience.” I still feel that way. I know you’re a fighter, because you’re my daughter, and we Mullens never give up.’

‘I l-lo-love you guys so much.’ Ali put her head in my lap and bawled. I held her tight and Paul wrapped his arms around both of us. We all cried, tears of grief, tears of love and tears of hope.

45

When I told Sally about missing the play and Sarah being upset and feeling left out, she offered to take her out for lunch and make a fuss of her. I thought it was a brilliant idea and I knew Sarah’d be thrilled.

She flounced into the kitchen with the phone in her hand. ‘That was Sally calling to invite me out for lunch. Just me, on my own. She’s taking me to the cool new Japanese restaurant, Dashi. It’s supposed to be incredible, like Nobu.’

‘Wow! Lucky you.’

‘Mum, I know it’s a pity lunch because you and Dad humiliated me in front of the whole school, but I’m cool with that.’

On the day of the lunch, Sarah changed six times, eventually deciding on a very tight pink dress with black tights and sky-high heels. I thought the dress was far too short but I bit my tongue and told her she looked lovely.

‘You’ll knock them dead in that.’ Charlie whistled.

‘Thanks, Charlie. Apparently all the celebs go to this restaurant, so I want to look my best.’

‘Well, you look great,’ I lied.

‘You so skinny.’ Nadia stared at Sarah’s teenage waist. ‘You lucky girl. I getting big now. Customers will be noticing soon. I haff to gife up working.’

‘You’re not even two months pregnant, Nadia. You don’t need to give up anything except maybe moaning,’ I commented.

‘Maybe if you stopped eating so much you wouldn’t be getting fat – I saw you scoff down a whole box of Milk Tray last night after three helpings of apple crumble and ice cream,’ Sarah said.

‘I eating for two now. I haff big hungry baby in here. I thinks it a boy. Boys are hungry babies. I fery tired too. I go for rest now.’ Nadia slunk off for yet another nap.

‘She’s eating for more than two.’ Sarah snorted. ‘There must be a football team in there – or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child.’

‘Leave Nadia alone. She’s having a difficult first trimester,’ Charlie said. He’d been reading
What To Expect When You’re Expecting
and was now an expert on pregnancy.

‘How many trimesters are there?’ Sarah wanted to know.

‘Three.’

‘You’d better order a crane to take her to hospital at the rate she’s eating – she won’t be able to get out the front door.’

‘Actually I was thinking of having a home birth. I think it would be nice to have the baby in a warm, friendly environment with everyone around to witness it. We’ll need to get a birthing pool.’

‘Charlie, are you seriously suggesting that we all stand around and watch Nadia push a kid out of her? You’ve really lost it this time,’ Sarah told him.

‘It’s the miracle of life.’

‘Charlie,’ I snapped, ‘if you want to have a home birth in your apartment, go ahead, but don’t expect us to turn up.’

‘Ava, my kitchen will be too small for a pool, so I’ll need to borrow yours.’

‘No way.’ I wanted him to get the insane notion out of his head.

Completely ignoring me, he continued, ‘The standard pool size is seventy-six inches by sixty-five. That fits two people comfortably, so I’d be able to get in with her.’

‘Charlie, there will be no water birth in this house, and I can tell you right now that neither I nor my children will be witnessing Nadia’s labour.’

‘I was thinking of inviting Sally, too. Sure she’s practically family …’ he continued, oblivious to the steam coming out of my ears. I walked out before I strangled him and gave Sarah a lift to the restaurant to meet Sally.

As we were driving, she asked, ‘Is Charlie serious about Nadia having the baby at home?’

‘The scary thing about Charlie is that he’s always serious.’

‘You have to stop him, Mum. It’s obscene.’

‘I’ve never been able to stop Charlie doing anything. He’s a law unto himself.’

‘Well, I’m not going to any birthing freak show, so you can count me out. Besides, I’ve decided not to have kids.’

I couldn’t hide my surprise. ‘Why?’

‘All they do is cause hassle even when they seem to be perfect, like Ali. Look at you and Dad. You’re both physical and emotional wrecks. Where’s the fun? It’s just worry and stress. No thanks, it’s not for me. And if when I get old I suddenly decide I do want one, I’ll adopt.’

‘It’s up to you but I wouldn’t rule out having children just yet. I admit it can be very stressful at times, but being a mum is the best thing about my life. You forget all the bad times when you experience those moments when you’re so proud you can’t breathe.’

‘Are there many of those?’ Sarah seemed doubtful.

I smiled at her. ‘Lots.’

‘Really?’

I nodded. We pulled up outside the restaurant.

‘See you, Mum – and don’t worry if I’m not home tonight. I’ll probably just jet off to LA with Colin Farrell or some other celebrity I meet in here.’

I watched my beautiful sixteen-year-old strut into Dashi, flicking her hair as she went.

Much to my relief, Sarah didn’t end up flying to LA to hang out by a guitar-shaped swimming-pool with a bunch of rock stars or actors: she went to Bobby’s after the lunch. I was dying to know how it had gone, so I called Sally to get the lowdown. I was eager to find out if Sarah had opened up about feeling neglected and how she felt about Ali being in the clinic.

‘Brace yourself, Ava, it was an eventful afternoon.’ Sally proceeded to give me a blow-by-blow account …

Sarah plonked herself down at the table and looked around. ‘Where are all the celebs? I thought it’d be full of famous people. I don’t recognize anyone here.’

‘The writer June Goodhall is over there.’

‘Writer? That’s hardly exciting. I’m looking for movie stars and rock bands – even a soap star would do.’ Sarah scanned the room again.

‘Why don’t we order? Maybe someone “cool” will arrive later.’

They ordered their food and a bottle of wine, then Sally asked Sarah how things were going.