Pieces of Paisley (38 page)
I still take the day off and go visit my mom. I tell her about seeing her without any details that we spent the night together, but when I woke up she was gone.
“Jake, I have to tell you something. She is engaged.”
“No, she didn’t have a ring. I looked.” Hell, I felt her hands on every inch of me.
“I made her take it off at dinner. It was crushing her. I told her to take it off and see how she felt without it . . . to be the real Paisley. Guess where that led her? To you. She doesn’t love him like that, Jake. He is her friend, her safety guard so she doesn’t have to feel anything. She is yours in heart and soul. What are you going to do?”
A huge part of me wants to say fuck it and not do anything, but I made that mistake once and paid dearly for it. “How long until the wedding?”
My mom grins at me, “Five weeks.”
“Well then I guess I have five weeks to come up with a plan,” I high-five her and go home to start expediting some things.
Chapter 42
Paisley
I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
I hadn’t heard from Wayne since the morning before I left and he picks now to call me. I was snuggled in the arms of the man who owns my heart and I had to sneak in the bathroom to have this conversation.
He is drunk, “You still coming home tomorrow?” I can hear the bitterness in his voice. I don’t want to hurt him, but how can I leave Jake again?
“Is there a reason I wouldn’t?” I want to ease into this and create the least amount of pain I can.
“You mean you didn’t have a reunion with the love of your life?” I can hear the pain in his voice. It hits me then, I am a cheater. I don’t love Wayne like that, but we are in a committed relationship. I just fucking cheated on someone, and I swore I would never be that person. The majority of my pain comes from knowing somehow I had betrayed Jake. I never told him I was getting married, never told him about Wayne and I didn’t have my fucking ring on. I just did the lying by omission that I accused him of. I held that sin over his head the last seven years, whenever I went to the place in my life I allowed myself to miss him, to yearn for him, I reminded myself about his lies. I just did the same fucking thing.
“I will be home tomorrow, as scheduled. Nothing has changed.” I know he hears the lack of emotion in my voice. I feel dead . . . deflated. I have nothing left in me to give to anyone. I just ruined the one thing in my life that I had passion about. I can’t tell him what a horrible person I am. He has a daughter and I am no role model. Leaving him this time will kill me and nobody will pick up the pieces.
“Are you sure?” His voice has taken on wariness.
“Yes, I will be there.” I can’t tell him I am sure, at this moment I am not even sure when I can take my next breath without the excruciating pain that is radiating through my body. I hang up without another word and look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I am vile, horrendous, and the worst type of person there is. I am no better than Kara in this moment, she brought so much pain and betrayal into my life, and here I am doing the same thing to Jake and Wayne. I want to believe that if I tell Jake the truth, we can work it out. I know that isn’t the case, his whole outlook on me will change and I know I can’t handle seeing him hate me.
Walking into the bedroom and seeing him curled up with my pillow from the spot I just left about kills my resolve. I want to get right back in the bed and hold on tight, never letting him go. That is not an option now. I kick myself mentally for allowing things to get so out of control with us, but all it took was one touch, one kiss and he awakened me. In his arms, in his life was the one place I could exist and now I don’t have that option. I try and find my clothes, but my shirt is destroyed from my antics last night. I shove it in my purse and pick his shirt up and slip it over my head. I inhale and rub the material against my cheek, catching the tears I didn’t know I was shedding. I leave him a note, explaining the best I can that I am not the right one for him, and hope he can truly find the one that is worthy of him. It will kill me to leave, but his happiness is my only solace. I have to believe he will go on.
Once in my car I allow my emotions to overcome me. I wail, long loud sobs and have a hard time catching my breath. I wipe my face and nose with the back of my hand and then down my skirt. I need to get back to the hotel, gather my things and pray there is an earlier flight. I can’t handle a face to face if Jake decides to come after me this time. Turning the key in the ignition the radio is blaring from last night, I had turned it up to drown out my nerves from seeing him again. Rascal Flatts is singing, ‘Here Comes Goodbye,’ and I don’t know how I made it the thirty miles to my hotel. I rush in and grab my suitcase, calling the front desk to see if there is an earlier flight. Luckily, one leaves in two hours and they get me switched. I throw everything in my suitcase, and jump in the shower. I hate washing him off of me, but I scrub and scrub, somehow thinking that will make me clean. I wonder if my father felt like this every time he cheated on my mom, is this why he finally left. I guess blood is thicker than water because I have become the cheater, the person always leaving. I was always afraid of being left, and it is always me doing it. I become sick in the shower, throwing up over and over and doing nothing but sobbing during the process of purging my soul. I don’t even promise myself I will be a better person, I don’t think I have that in me.
I dress in my jeans and shirt, I throw the clothes I wore yesterday away, but can’t bring myself to trash Jake’s shirt. I fold it and place it in the bottom of my carry-on bag after inhaling him one more time. I have to go home and face my reality, and make a decision if I will lie to Wayne or tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they lie. He never said this would be a deal breaker, just when I walked down the aisle that was it. I feel like getting on the plane will be it for me. I check out of the hotel and on the way to my car, I pass a man smoking. “Can I bum a cigarette from you?” I ask him. He obliges and lights it for me. One drag of the nicotine in my lungs has me hacking and choking on my saliva. I walk to my car waiting on the calm to come over me that a cigarette always helped. Instead, Krista’s face pops in my head and her words haunt me. I let her down, I went about this the wrong way and instead of honoring her memory and wishes, and I feel like I just killed them along with her. It is time to put both to rest.
I don’t get any peace from my mind on the plane, and I arrive to Wayne waiting at the house. “You look like hell, Paisley. What happened to you?”
I look up at him and with tears brimming in my eyes, I tell him. “I saw him.” Those are the only words I utter, and he is engulfing me in a hug while I soak the front of his shirt with my tears. I don’t have the words to destroy one more life.
“It will be okay. Are you sure he is your past?”
“He is my everything, but he has to be my past. It would kill him if he realized the deception I just caused.” I tell him without words what he needs to know. He just nods at me and holds me tighter.
“You know there is always a way. Love conquers all.”
“Not the kind of love I offer. I always put conditions on it, I taint it, and I won’t do that to him.”
“Paisley, I was an ass before you left. I am putting my feelings before yours, and I want you to know we will always be friends. No matter what. I am a bit skeptical about our future, but I want to put our pasts behind us and build our future if you are still willing. I can’t promise you love, or a whirlwind romance, but I can give you stability, friendship, and a sure future.” I allow myself to be swayed in a decision I am not sure of one more time as I agree.
Chapter 43
Jake
Relationships are eternal. The 'separation' is another chapter in the relationship. Often, letting go of the old form of the relationship becomes a lesson in pure love much deeper than any would have learned had the couple stayed together.
I have officially unloaded the last box from the moving van and am awaiting the arrival of my new furniture. Little Ms. Laura and I made fast work of deciding colors, hiring painters and packing up my meager belongings. Just three weeks after the most miserable morning of my life, I am almost settled. We are missing a vital occupant in our house, but all in good time that will be remedied. The focal point in my mind was a godsend and I scoured the Internet until I found it. I can’t wait for Paisley to see it, and realize this is her home. I refuse to let doubt cloud my mind, I am on a one-man mission, and I won’t fail.
I don’t have all my plans finalized, but within the next ten days, I will. I have no choice and I want her to have no choice but to choose me, to choose the life she deserves to have. I know why she ran without her ever having to tell me. Once my mom told me about the ring, the best friend back home, and I took into consideration everything she has been through, and I knew she loved me. I just can’t wait until she realizes I am her happily ever after. Without each other, we are a shell of ourselves and together we are one. I know there is a possibility I can fail at this, but I can’t dwell on that because I simply cannot imagine life without her.
The next days are a flurry of activity . . . unpacking, arranging, and buying many new frames. I have stopped hiding from my past and it is proudly displayed throughout my home along with many blank picture frames and empty spaces for us to fill together. Laura knows something big is happening, she just doesn’t know what. I have held off telling her our plans because I needed to talk to Mick and Lisa about them, not for their approval really but to give them a heads up what will be happening in our daughter’s life. Plus, if you tell a nine year old what is happening to far in advance, you will never get a moments peace.
Right now I feel the void that Paisley feels every day. I want to call a friend of hers to get some help with my plans, but I have nobody to call. I am not sure her mom will be down with my intentions, and I don’t want anything to ruin them, but I could use some help on the inside, instead I have to be meticulous about every step and hope there are no delays. I find myself lost in thought as I stare at a picture of her sitting on that ratty couch, holding a wine cooler, the night of her seventeenth birthday. It was before the shit hit the fan, and she was happy. Really happy . . . and you can see it. She is staring at the camera, which I was standing behind, beaming at me and the love emoting from her face still can bring me to my knees.
Laura comes up behind me, “Daddy, what you doing?” she startles me out of my memories.
“Just looking at pictures.”
“Why do you have that girl everywhere? Is she going to be my new mommy?”
“Maybe, baby.” I don’t want to give her too much hope, “That girl is another one I love, besides you. Is that okay?”
“If she gives you that goofy look on your face, it is okay. Why don’t I know her if you love her?”
“It is not that easy to explain, sweetpea. Sometimes adults are difficult but I am hoping to work it out.” She gives me her best ‘duh’ expression before running up to a picture of Paisley and I when we got engaged.
“You were so young, Daddy. And she is really pretty. I want her to fix my hair like hers.” I miss that innocence of having the utmost faith in life. Her biggest issue is what flavor ice cream she will eat, and that makes me happy. It means we have done our job keeping her happy and grounded.
“Yep, Daddy was young, and so was that girl. Sometimes we have to grow up to realize what we want in life.”
“What is her name?”
“Paisley.”
“I like it, but I want to call her Mommy since I call you Daddy,” I don’t know what I did to deserve this trusting little girl, but I hope I keep doing it.
“Let’s not rush things, Laura. We have to get her to agree to come back here with us?” I realize my mistake when her eyes get big, and she hops up and down with excitement.