Positively Yours (15 page)

‘Christ,' Tom said, putting down his oversized wine glass. ‘Don't say you're quitting your job.'

Beth felt her body tense. Why did he think everything was to do with work?

‘No, I'm not leaving Burlington, you'll be glad to hear.'

‘Well then, if it's not a work problem, what could possibly be this important?' Tom said, getting impatient.

‘There is more to life than work, you know,' she replied, trying to lighten the mood. But Tom did not look impressed.

‘What is it you want to tell me?'

He'd always been a straight-talking man, and now was no different.

Beth put her hand on top of his.

‘I'm pregnant.'

There was utter silence. Beth and Tom stared at each other, and time seemed to stand still. In the distance she heard someone open a bottle of champagne, and she caught a man at a nearby table complaining that his potato gratin was overdone. She could hear noises all around the restaurant, but at their table there wasn't even the sound of a pin dropping.

‘What did you say?' said Tom eventually. His tanned face suddenly looked a good bit paler.

‘I'm pregnant. Seven weeks pregnant.'

Tom broke eye contact with Beth and gazed into the distance. The look on his face was one of utter bewilderment.

‘How is this possible?' he whispered.

It wasn't an actual question, more an expression of shock. Suddenly he looked right at Beth.

‘Is it definitely mine?'

Beth gasped. She felt her heart thump as she looked at the man she had loved and been faithful to for over a year.

‘How dare you?' she managed to reply, fighting back tears. ‘How dare you even suggest that? This might be shocking
news, but don't insult me with that question. You know what kind of person I am, and you know I would never cheat on you, or anyone.'

Beth couldn't believe how this conversation had gone. She'd known telling Tom the news would be hard, but she'd never imagined the man she was loyal to would suggest she'd slept around. She was crushed, but more than anything she was annoyed.

‘I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, it's just that this is a complete shock to me,' said Tom, taking a sip of wine. ‘I didn't mean it.'

Beth noticed his hand was shaking. She had never seen the strong and powerful Tom Maloney so unnerved. She took a deep breath and decided to try and forget that he had suggested the baby wasn't his. They were in the middle of a very packed popular restaurant. Now wasn't the time for a big argument. They just had to sit down and talk about the baby.

‘OK, I know this is a big shock. I still can't believe it, either. But it's true I'm pregnant, and you are the father.'

Tom suddenly looked around at the nearby tables.

‘Keep your voice down,' he said. ‘God knows who might hear you.'

Beth looked around, but recognized no one.

‘I know it's not what we planned, and most people don't even know we are a couple, let alone soon to be parents! But somehow I'm pregnant, and I'll be showing in another few weeks. This is big news, and I suppose eventually people will find out. We'll just have to get used to it.'

‘So you plan to go ahead with all of this?' he asked.

All of this? Beth didn't know what he meant. She looked at him questioningly.

‘I mean there are other options, you know. We should seriously think about them before we go ahead with telling people.'

Other options? Suddenly Beth knew exactly what he meant. Abortion. The thought made her freeze. He couldn't be serious. But suddenly Tom's mood changed, and he began enthusiastically telling her about a friend of his who got caught out while having an affair, but had taken care of it after a weekend trip to the UK. Beth felt a stranger was speaking, not the man she loved.

‘But we're not having an affair, so why would we need to do that?' Beth asked, her voice unsteady but loud. She was furious.

‘It's just, you know, I never wanted this. I've done the whole babies and nappies and late nights before. I don't want to do it again. You've always known that.'

‘It's not like I secretly planned this. We got pregnant by accident. It happens.'

Tom said nothing. Beth looked at the two uneaten plates of food.

‘Trust me,' said Beth, her voice softening. ‘It's been a huge shock for me, too. I haven't been able to think, eat or sleep since I found out. But we just have to deal with it.'

‘We don't. This thing can be taken care of.'

‘This thing?' she said, once again feeling her blood pressure rise. ‘This thing is a tiny little baby, our baby. It may not be planned, but it's not something to be ashamed of, either.'

But as Beth talked she could see Tom straighten his back and clench his fists. It was something she had seen him do a million times in board meetings when he wasn't getting his way.

‘If you're not going to get rid of this baby, then what do you want me to say? Are you expecting me to bend down on one knee and propose? For us to announce our love to the world and begin life as a happy family? That was never the plan. You know that. And what about work? Have you told anyone? This news could ruin us.'

Beth looked at Tom as if he was a stranger. This couldn't be the man she was about to have a baby with.

‘I'm not expecting a diamond ring. You know I can buy myself any jewellery I want,' she said angrily. Tom knew money and material items were not something Beth had to worry about. She earned great money, and was self-sufficient. It was support and love she craved for. ‘And no, I've haven't told anyone in the flipping office.'

Tom looked at Beth, seeing again the hard-talking self-assured woman he knew and worked with. He seemed to soften.

‘I didn't mean it like that. It's just, you know me, I'm at a place in my life where work – and of course a little fun – is what I want. It's what I've worked towards. And spending nights pacing the floor with some screaming infant is not my plan. And I know it's not what you want, either, so let's leave ourselves open to all the options, and try not let this mistake ruin our relationship.'

Beth looked at Tom as he began eating. He hadn't once asked her how she felt, or when exactly the baby was due. Suddenly she felt trapped. She needed to get out of the restaurant.

‘I need to go home,' she said, as she reached for her handbag and put her black cardigan on.

‘What?' said Tom. ‘OK, let's go and discuss this situation more in my place. We've a lot to talk about.'

‘No,' she said. ‘I want to go to my own apartment.'

Tom said nothing. ‘Oh, it would be handier to go to mine. I've got golf with some new clients at 8 a.m. and my clubs and gear are all in Dalkey. So let's just go there.'

‘Golf? I've just told you I'm pregnant and all you care about is golf?'

Tom looked impatient. ‘Beth, I've told you how I feel about this. I don't want a child. I already have two children, and that's plenty.'

Beth looked at him in disgust, and for once felt huge pity for his ex-wife. How could she have had two children with a man like him?

She knew they needed to talk more, but not tonight. She grabbed her coat and made for the exit, and as she pushed through the doors and walked out on to the street Tom hurried after her.

‘There's no need to make a scene. Listen, we're both in shock. Maybe we both need a night alone to think about it all, and we can talk more about this tomorrow. OK?'

Beth knew it was not a suggestion but an order. She put her hand out and hailed a taxi.

Tom gave her a kiss on the cheek as she got into the back of the car, but she didn't kiss him back.

As the taxi drove off Beth saw Tom standing there alone on the street. He seemed relieved Beth and their problem were safely heading off in a different direction from where he was going. She felt she was going to be sick. It had been a horrible night. And as the taxi sped to Sandymount she sat shaking in the back of the car. She had never been so annoyed, disappointed and alone in her life.

Beth walked into her apartment. It felt cold and empty. She put on the heating and turned the TV on, but she still felt so alone. Tom had broken her heart. She had rehearsed everything she had planned to say to him, but nothing had come out right. It had all happened so quickly. She'd known he wouldn't be over the moon with the unexpected news, but she had never expected his cold, clinical and heartless response. And his even suggesting abortion had completely shaken her. It still all felt unreal.

This can't be happening, Beth thought. She wanted to go back to her old life. She had only been pregnant for seven weeks, but already she could divide her life into the
old and new version. The carefree years were over. The grown-up part of her life was really beginning. She didn't know what to do. She could accurately tell people which were the best shares to invest in, she could name the heads of every financial institution in Europe, but now she felt helpless. Could she persuade Tom to be happy about having the baby? And if not, could she really have it on her own? How would she manage? And how could she tell people she was having a baby with a man who wanted her to abort it?

She hadn't told most of her friends about Tom, so it was going to be hard now, to confess to them about him and their unexpected baby. Beth was suddenly filled with such regret. I shouldn't have let our relationship be so secretive and under wraps, she thought. So what if he is divorced? I should have made him come out with my friends. Should have brought him to dinner at my dad's, should have told everyone in work. If I had done all of that, then being pregnant wouldn't be such a problem now. How did I let myself get into this situation? she asked herself.

Suddenly her phone rang. It was Tom. She ignored his call. She had nothing to say to him. He had made it clear how he felt, and now no matter what he told her she could never forget what he had already said, and how he had made her feel. Beth had been shocked and upset when she'd first realized she was pregnant, but then the last few days she had started to feel a little excited, and more and more interested in what was happening inside her. She hadn't been quite ready to shout her news from the rooftops, but at least she had begun to see that being pregnant wasn't so bad. As a little girl she had dreamt of becoming a mum, and even though that dream had been on hold for many years, it was coming true. Even though it was not happening in exactly the way she planned, it was still a little bit magical. And she was so annoyed at Tom for
spoiling that excitement. For making her feel this baby was a big problem and a mistake.

She caught a glimpse of the diamond bracelet he had given her. She pulled it off her wrist as she sat down and took off her shoes. She had been feeling physically exhausted the last few weeks, and working long hours hadn't helped. But tonight she felt mentally exhausted, too. She made herself a cup of tea, but instantly felt sick from the smell of it. She felt nauseated all day every day. She hadn't actually vomited much, and she knew she was lucky, as some women were really unwell for weeks, but it still made everyday life hard. She poured herself a glass of water instead, and sat down at her round glass kitchen table. It was 10 p.m. on a Friday night, and she was completely alone. She could hear the two lads from the apartment above her having a party. They were always having parties. She sat listening to the music and the sounds of a good night. She didn't mean to, but she started crying. So this is what I have ahead of me, she thought. While everyone else will be out partying, or playing golf, I will be stuck in this apartment trying to raise a baby on my own. She tried to picture where a crib would fit, or how she would lift a buggy up the communal stairs, and suddenly felt claustrophobic. I can't do this. I can't do this on my own.

She felt her heart race and sweat pour down her face. Suddenly she wanted out. And Tom's get-out plan of action came back to her. Maybe with another man and at another time this would work, but it isn't going to now, so maybe I should end it, she thought. Take Tom's advice and book myself a flight to England. No one knows I'm pregnant. She hadn't even had the nerve to tell her father yet, so no one would ever know. She ran through the logistics of it. She had plenty of holiday time to use up, and if she rang some clinics on Monday she was sure she could find someone who could help her.

For a second she considered it. But then she thought of her
little baby, the lower case o, and felt horrified. Even if no one else knew, I would, she thought. Even if no one ever found out, I would know for ever. How could I even think about it? I don't agree with abortion. How could I even consider ending a little baby's life? She felt disgusted with herself. She began crying again. She cried and cried, gulping back air and tears. She felt like the worst person in the world. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to have this baby, her baby. ‘I'm so sorry,' she said over and over to her little o.

Eventually she dragged herself to bed, but it took hours for her to go to sleep. She kept reliving the night over and over in her head. From Tom's heartless reaction to her moment of madness in thinking she could do away with her baby. She pulled her duvet up over her head, trying to block out the bad memories. Her mind raced, but as the hours passed and the party above her ended she finally came to a conclusion. Tom might have let her down, but she was going to have this baby with or without him, and even though she knew nothing about being pregnant, labour or raising a child, she would learn. She dreaded so much of it, and knew her life was about to change completely, but something deep inside her was saying she might just be able to do it.

‘
I STILL LOVE
you. We can make us work. But you know how I feel about this baby.'

Beth gazed at Tom Maloney as they sat in his big living room. Tom had a CD of his favourite classical music playing in the background, and a large gas fire glowing. As he sipped on a glass of red wine, she noticed how the scene looked like a perfect romantic night in. But, as she gulped back her glass of water and tried to ignore her constant nausea, she realized how far from idyllic the situation was. They had both avoided being alone for almost two weeks, ever since that fateful night at Peploe's. Beth would never forget what Tom had said. She had ignored his phone calls and text messages. In work neither had wanted to talk about it, but even so Beth had found excuses to be busy whenever Tom came near her. But when he had suggested they sit down and talk properly in his house after work one night, she'd known she had to agree.