Positively Yours (17 page)

And suddenly Beth was calm. She finally had what she'd been longing for: someone who was happy for her and telling her she could do this. She hugged him back. She never would have imagined her dad would be the first person she'd confide in, or that he would take the news so well, but as he made her a sandwich and they sat up for hours talking about the baby, Beth realized she had made a mistake in not trying to be closer to him earlier. He hadn't sent her to boarding school to put
distance between them; he had done it out of desperation. But she was an adult now, and should have made every possible effort to see him and spend time with him. She knew it would take a while for them to get to know each other properly now, but they would. And Beth was lucky to have him: she had no one else.

‘
CIARA RYAN RANG
again.'

Erin Delany sat down at her desk and looked at Paula. The two women worked well together, because, while Erin was slightly more organized, Paula was the calmer and more relaxed of the pair. They balanced each other well.

Unfortunately for Paula, though, Erin had been on terrible form recently, and over the last two weeks Paula had been lucky even to get a hello from her, let alone any friendly banter or conversation. Of course, Paula didn't know that ever since Erin had found out that once again she wasn't pregnant she'd been taking her frustration out on the world. She'd barely been able to bring herself to care about work, family or friends. She'd been too busy swinging between heartbreak, and outright annoyance and anger. Life was so unfair, she thought. All day long she passed mothers and their babies, children running along the road, pregnant women smiling as they smugly rubbed their swollen bellies. She just couldn't stick it, it was so unjust.

‘You need to calm down. This will happen for us,' John had insisted the night before, over dinner. Erin had barely spoken to him all week. Everything he did drove her mad. He just wasn't as committed to it all as she was, she thought.

‘Here's a cup of coffee, let's just lie on the couch and watch
TV tonight. A quiet relaxing night in is what we need.'

Erin gazed at the cup, then pushed it aside.

‘You know I'm off coffee. I'll have a quick cup of green tea, and then I'm off to the gym. I read somewhere how weight can affect fertility, so I really need to start going to the gym more than once a week.'

John sighed.

‘What does that mean?' she asked, annoyed at his attitude.

‘It's just that you've barely talked to me the last two weeks, and then the only times you have it's all been about yoga, or green tea, or ovulation, or my sperm count. It would be nice to discuss the news, or work, or – God forbid – something frivolous, like what new movies are out. I'd love just to talk about something fun.'

Erin stood up, and started to put her coat on.

‘I'm sorry you think I'm so boring, but while your head is thinking about films, music and irrelevant stuff, my head is trying to work out my cycle, find out which food will help us conceive, and calculate our fertility levels. It may not be fun, but it's a lot of work and stress.'

‘It shouldn't be that hard,' John replied automatically. ‘Every day people get pregnant without even trying to.'

Erin felt like she had been slapped in the face. She felt he was mocking all her efforts to help them conceive.

‘Well, if I had a partner who cared it might not be so difficult.'

John looked into her eyes for a long time. His expression was so sad. Finally he walked across the kitchen and tried to put his arms around his wife, but she shrugged him off.

‘I'm going out. Enjoy your night of TV and relaxing.' And with that Erin was gone, once again leaving John home alone.

And now Erin found herself in work, after a bad night with John and with a whole day stretching ahead of her.

‘Is there a problem with Ciara Ryan?' asked Paula.

Erin had been avoiding Ciara as much as she could the last fortnight. She didn't mind working on their new kitchen but she just couldn't face talking about baby nurseries, cots and playrooms with her client. She knew it would break her heart.

‘I'll ring her later,' she replied, as she closed the door to her office and rested her head in her hands.

As she looked around her small office, bursting with floor samples, bathroom fittings, curtains and catalogues, Erin knew she was so lucky to have her own business, to be in charge of her own career. But to her, as every day passed, the things in life that she knew she should be grateful for – her kind husband, her beautiful home, her great job – all paled in comparison with what she really wanted: her own child.

Paula knocked on the door and handed Erin that day's post. Erin opened some bills, and then a large envelope postmarked Norway. She peeled it open and out fell a large catalogue. It was from the Norwegian wooden furniture company that Erin had been telling Ciara about. She hadn't been able to find a copy of their brochure to give her, and so had contacted the company and asked them to send out another. Erin flicked through the pages filled with hand-crafted tables, chairs and beds, but it was the nursery furniture section that made her freeze. She couldn't look at it. She closed the book after opening a page that showed a happy couple smiling as one of their children lay in a cot and the other sat on a wooden rocking horse. I can't do this, she thought.

She walked out of her office and went looking for Paula. Her friend was busy on the phone to a builder, but eventually wrapped up the conversation.

‘I need to ask you a favour,' said Erin.

‘Sure,' said Paula kindly.

‘Can you drop this catalogue and some curtain samples in to Ciara and Mark's house? And while you're there, can you also find out if they have made any decision on the couches for their new kitchen?'

‘Are you sure you don't want to talk to them yourself?' asked Paula.

Erin was never so sure of anything in her life. She needed to distance herself from Ciara Ryan and her bump. She didn't want to spend weeks talking to Ciara about babies.

‘I am,' replied Erin. ‘I just don't have time to spend all my day talking to Ciara about nurseries and playrooms.'

‘Are you OK?' asked Paula.

‘I'm fine,' said Erin, returning to her office.

Erin knew she should offer Paula more of an explanation for her odd behaviour, but she didn't want to. Ciara Ryan would be disappointed too, but Erin didn't have time for her feelings. She had more important things to worry about.

But later, as she watched Paula head to Donnybrook to meet Ciara and Mark Ryan, Erin did feel a twinge of regret. Her behaviour had not been professional. She knew she wasn't acting like herself, but then her perfectly organized and planned life was not going according to plan, either, and she couldn't cope.

‘
SO YOU'RE NOT
going to drink at the hen party?' John asked Erin as he buttoned his shirt, put on his tie and got himself ready for another day at the office.

Erin was brushing her long brown hair as she watched him look at her in surprise. Tonight she was going to her friend Amy's hen party. The girls had been at school and college together, and afterwards, while Erin had been happy to get married and lay down her roots at home in Dublin, Amy had got the travel itch and had spent her time living in one continent after another. Erin had thought she would never settle down, but then Ryan Sincock had come along, and after a love affair that began in Byron Bay, Amy had rung home to say she was engaged and would be getting married in six months' time in Dublin. Erin had been so happy for her friend, and so impatient to see her. It had been a long time since they had caught up. But now that Amy's hen was only hours away, Erin didn't want to go any more. She wasn't in a celebratory mood, and she certainly didn't want to give up her healthy eating and drinking diet just so she could attend the hen.

‘I will allow myself two glasses of wine, but honestly I need to stick to this new diet, especially since I should be ovulating tomorrow, which means it's the best time for us to conceive.'

John didn't look too happy, but said nothing. Instead he put his coat on and kissed Erin goodbye. Just as he was leaving he turned and said: ‘Amy is your best friend. She flew home from Africa that time you were really sick with your appendix, and when we got married she travelled back from New Zealand, even though it took almost two days to get here. She's a good friend, the least you could do is forget about your own troubles tonight, have a few glasses of wine, relax and enjoy being out with the girls.'

Erin said nothing. She knew what John was saying was fair and true, but the stubborn side of her refused to give in. If she wanted to get pregnant she needed to take the whole thing seriously, and that required willpower and focus.

‘I can relax without getting drunk,' she replied curtly.

‘Really?' he said, his look deadpan. ‘You haven't been relaxed in a long time.'

Erin was about to fly off the handle, but John closed the door before she had the chance. She was furious. She was going to start another day annoyed.

Erin was on bad form, and after a quick meeting with some clients in Bray she'd decided she wasn't in the mood to be around other people, and so she'd rung Paula to let her know that she would work from home today. The beauty of her job was that it was possible to open her laptop and work on anything from sketch proposals to ordering materials, all from the comfort of her own home.

After a quiet, but productive morning, Erin was just taking a break when she heard the doorbell ring. She opened her front door to find her dad standing there.

‘Hi, pet. I didn't know if you would be around today, but I just wanted to ring the bell in case you were. I plan to spend a few hours in the garden. I can let myself through to the back.'

‘No, Dad, come in this way. Do you want a cup of tea
before you start?' Erin offered, putting her arms around him. It felt good to be hugged back.

‘I never say no to tea!' replied Paddy Walsh, as he set down his gardening gloves and favourite hand trowel.

Paddy loved gardens: from planting flowers to trimming trees he had a fascination with the outdoors. Erin's family home had a massive garden that was immaculately kept, which Paddy prided himself on. But recently he had taken to offering his gardening expertise to his daughters.

‘John doesn't seem to be keeping a close enough eye on those hedges,' he'd said to Erin recently. ‘Does he not care about the layout of your back garden?'

Erin didn't want to admit that, while she and her husband thought it imperative to have a house with a good-sized garden, neither of them knew much about shrubs, compost or landscaping. And so before she knew it, her dad had offered to call once a week to get their garden in order.

‘If we start working now, then by the time the summer comes we will have this place in great condition,' he'd said to the couple. Neither John nor Erin thought the place looked that bad, but Erin suspected the project was as much about her dad keeping busy as anything else.

‘Ever since your father retired he's been at a loose end, but it's great now that he has your place to keep him focused and energized. And, to be honest, I'm delighted to get him out of the house for a few hours each week!' said Mary, Erin's mum.

Her dad's offer of his services to Alison had been slightly less well received.

‘But we only live in an apartment,' her sister had pointed out, at a recent Sunday lunch.

‘Ali, no job is too small. I will start with planting some nice hanging baskets, and by summer we will have that small balcony packed with colour and beautiful plants.'

Alison hadn't been entirely convinced, but had said nothing; none of the girls ever wanted to upset or insult their beloved dad.

And now Erin was getting used to coming home from work to find her dad pruning shrubs, or bent over the large border.

‘I think I'll work on those roses today,' said Paddy, as himself and Erin sat down to enjoy a cup of tea.

‘You're the expert,' replied Erin, making Paddy smile.

‘How's Mum?' she asked, as she offered her dad a biscuit.

‘She's got her hands full today! Alison asked us to mind baby Sophie while she goes to meet some friends for lunch and gets some shopping done. But your mother is only too delighted to help. Sophie is a pet, and your mum adores showing her grandchild off to all the neighbours. The house was packed when I left!'

Erin felt herself tense up. Her parents adored their three grandchildren, nothing made them prouder. She felt like such a failure for not being able to give them more. They knew she wanted children, but she would never admit to them the huge pressure she and John were under. Erin adored her two nieces and wild nephew, but at times she avoided calling in to see them, as every time one of her sisters hugged or kissed their children it reminded her how bereft she was. She used to spend hours with her sisters discussing how many children she would have, what schools she preferred, what names she liked, but now she avoided those conversations. What use was picking out a good school if you had no child to send to it?

‘Are you OK, pet?' asked her dad. ‘You've been awfully quiet recently, and we haven't seen yourself and John together in our house for weeks.'

‘I'm fine,' replied Erin automatically. ‘We're both busy in work, that's all. Someone has to pay the mortgage on this big place!' she added, trying to lighten the mood.

Her dad didn't say much, but just studied his youngest daughter. She looked tired and lonely.

‘This house is great, and between your good jobs and hectic lifestyle you two certainly seem to have it all. But you know, pet, sometimes life is like a garden. People want to have an immaculately manicured lawn, full beds and all the flowers in bloom, but what they don't realize is that in order to sustain that perfect garden they need to work really hard. They need to spend months planting, pruning, cutting and weeding. They need to get their hands dirty. Nothing comes easy in life, we all need to put time into something in order to make it work. And a good relationship is so important.'