Pretense (12 page)

Both of the girls were groggy during breakfast and on the ride to the church, but Marrell found herself very awake and tense. As with a few days earlier, she wondered what had her so frightened and shaken up. It was more than just the thought that someone would harm her grandmother.

You're afraid, Marrell, and you know it. You're afraid you'll hear something that will cancel out everything you've ever done. You 're afraid you '11 find out that this emptiness inside is real and not imagined.

"This is the turn, Marrell," Pearl said. Marrell promptly put on the left turn signal and slowed down just in time.

"I guess you didn't go with me last time, did you?" Pearl went on almost absently.

"No, I don't think we did."

Marrell was pleased at how normal her voice sounded. Her insides felt like a bow that had been strung too tightly. It was a relief to get the car parked, find their way indoors, and slide into a seat. From there the morning was a blur. Marrell was so busy trying to find something that might be threatening to her grandmother that she heard little of the sermon or singing. She read every line of the bulletin, but other than showing the year-to- date giving and listing some special needs for the missionaries, there was nothing. In fact, when the plate was passed, her grandmother put nothing in.

"Should I have put something in?" Marrell heard Delancey ask Pearl.

"No, honey, you're a visitor here. That's not expected."

"But you didn't, Grandma."

"I do one check at the beginning of the month."

For some reason, Marrell did not panic over this. It was such a normal statement, and as she looked around, everything in the room looked normal too. Marrell felt almost ashamed when the pastor led them in a closing prayer. She missed all of it.

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"Are you all right?" Pearl asked almost as soon as the man said, "Amen."

"Yes, just preoccupied."

Pearl eyed her keenly. "If you want to ask me anything about the church or the service, Marrell, I'd be glad to answer you."

Marrell stared at the older woman. Why had she thought her grandmother might be failing?

"Thank you, Grandma," Marrell said softly, smiling at her. She didn't know why, but a sudden peace filled her. She did have questions but now believed the answers would be reasonable. She didn't have to wait long to find out. As soon as lunch was over, the girls wandered off on their own pursuits, and Marrell was left alone with the woman who had raised her.

"Grandma," Marrell plunged right in, "why did you start going to church?"

Pearl was on the verge of getting up to start the dishes, but she sat back in her chair. "I'm getting older, Marrell, and I can feel my body changing and weakening."

"So what does church do for your age?"

"Nothing directly, but for the first time in my life I realized I wasn't going to live forever. I watched your folks and your grandfather die, but it never touched me like getting old has."

"I still don't understand what going to church does."

"Going to church doesn't do anything. Believing that God's Son died for my sins does it all."

It was out. Marrell had asked and been told. Her grandmother believed just as Shay did. Marrell said as much.

"Yes, I know," her grandmother surprised her by saying. "We've had some correspondence."

"I didn't know that."

Pearl nodded. "She had heard that I was going to the Bible church and wrote to tell me she finally understood what she had needed all along."

Marrell looked stricken, and Pearl's heart broke.

"I haven't been a good example to you, Marrell. I've lived my life for myself."

Marrell shook her head but didn't speak. In her mind nothing could be further from the truth. She thought her grandmother the most selfless person in the world.

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"I can't talk about this," Marrell finally managed. "Paul's not here, and I just can't."

Pearl backed off immediately. "I would never force my belief down your throat, honey. But if you want to talk again, you know we can."

Marrell thanked her and rose to clear the table. She and her grandmother worked side-by-side for the next 20 minutes but said little. Pearl's well-lined face was serene, but inside she was working to give her granddaughter to the Lord.

I've been a coward. I've been afraid to share with her. So many times I should have told her, Lord. I've failed You. Please show me how. I can't seem to get the words out. Please help me know what to say to a person whom I love this much, but who doesn't want to listen. She's afraid; I know she is. I know all about fear, Lord. You 're the only one who can take it away.

Marrell was saying something about going into Denver the next week, so Pearl forced her mind to listen.

"What day?"

"What day is good for you?" Marrell asked with relief, glad to have the subject back to something she would call normal.

"Just about any day. I've cleared the calendar for you and the girls."

"Let's go Tuesday. D.J.'s birthday is right after we get back, so if I can find something for her here, you know, something that will remind her of our visit, that's going to be easier."

"Okay. I'd like to have a cake here and give her my present-maybe the Sunday before you leave."

"Oh, she would love that. What did you get her?"

They were interrupted before Pearl could answer, so the subject was dropped. It was Delancey. She had gotten a hole in her swimsuit, one that was impossible to repair because it would only tear again. Swimming was all the girls had done since they had arrived, and this was the only suit she had. It looked as if some shopping would be in order even before Tuesday.

Marrell's life was one of adjustments and changes, so she took this in stride. She told herself to take her grandmother's religion in stride as well but found it wasn't that easy. It was nothing less than a relief to have the visit end before the subject came up again.

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Seven

Marrell stared hard at the white envelope in her bag and then reached to pull it slowly towardher. She recognized her grandmother's handwriting and for a moment was unable to move. Winging its way toward California, the airplane had a few moments of turbulence, but Marrell never noticed. Having finished with their card game, the girls were wrapped up with their books, completely unaware of their mother's turmoil. Marrell pushed her straight blond hair behind her ears and, with a shaking hand, forced herself to open the letter.

My dearest Marrell,

This letter has been a long time in coming
-
too long. And for this I am sorry. I should have told you about my faith years ago. I have no excuse to offer, but I will tell you that 1 feared your response.You've had so many losses that I

thought you would be angry with me if you learned I had

turned to God.

I know that you thought me failing when you were here for Christmas more than three years ago, but in truth, I had just come to realize my need for a Savior and was so confused about how to tell you that I stumbled around like a fool. Since then God has urged me many times to call or

write you, and each time I have disobeyed. I can disobey no

longer.

Please forgive me for not telling you right away. I am

ashamed of my shame. I resisted God for so long, telling Him

I was a good person and that surely He would not turn me

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away, but I finally stopped lying to myself. God alone says how I may enter His heavenly home. The Bible is very clear on this, and after reading the truth in that Book, I confessed to God that I needed His Son to save me.

Please do not hate this foolish old woman, Marrell. I have let you, Paul, and the girls down by not telling you before. All I can do now is beg your forgiveness.

I hope and pray that you will listen to Sharon. As I'm sure you must know, she has also seen her need for salvation. I sense that you have many questions, but I can see that fear holds you back. If ever you can gain the courage to seek answers, please call me or go to Sharon. I pray you will do so before it's too late.

"What's the matter, Mom?" Mackenzie's voice broke into Marrell's stunned mind. "You look sorta pale."

"No," Marrell said to her daughter, "I'm all right."

Mackenzie continued to look at her, and Marrell reached up to smooth her hair.

"What are you reading?"

"A letter from Grandma."

"Is something wrong?"

"No." The truth hit Marrell too late to act. "She's just telling me something that I wish we could have talked about while I was there."

"About her church?"

Marrell stared at her daughter. How much had she caught of the underlying tension that Marrell had experienced off and on?

"Yes, it is about her church."

"They're kinda weird."

"Do you think so?" For some reason her words hurt Marrell. By the third Sunday, she had started to enjoy the people.

"I don't know," Mackenzie shrugged. "I just don't like sitting there singing or trying to figure out what the man is talking about."

Her words so echoed Marrell's own thoughts on the subject of church that she was shocked all over again.
Well, what did you expect, Marrell?
she suddenly asked herself.
You and Paul have given the girls no reason to include church or God in their lives.

Marrell's eyes went back to the last line she'd read.
I pray you will do so before it's too late.
Glancing toward Mackenzie and

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seeing that she had gone back to her book, Marrell swiftly read on.

I have always hated self-righteous people, Marrell, and I'm sure you feel the same, so I must tell you that I have one prayer for you: I pray that you will search this out for yourself. Don't let your grandmother's failings drag you down. I don't have all the answers, but God does. I'm praying you will have enough questions that you will search for answers no matter what you 'we seen or how far away God seems. I know you want Paul here, and I pray that he will search as well, but even if he doesn't,Marrell, you must come to this decision on your own.

Again, Marrell, I ask your forgiveness. I have sinned against you and the Lord, and there are not enough words to tell you of my regret. Please tell the girls of my decision. I'll write to them in a week or so. I'll call you sometime next month, and if you want to talk about it, we can. If you never want the subject mentioned, I will abide by your wishes.

Please believe me when I tell you it was wonderful to see you. I'm so proud of you and the girls. You're doing a good job, Marrell, and my great granddaughters are the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.Don't spare me when you talk to them, Marrell. Tell them I've been a fool, but at 78 I'm still learning. Take care of yourself while Paul is away. I will be in touch.

All my love, Grandma

Marrell made herself breathe very slowly. The shock was receding, but she still felt like she'd been shaken by a large hand. Three years! She had made this decision three, closer to four, years ago! How could her grandmother have thought that she would reject her?

Surprisingly enough, Marrell suddenly knew she was not angry with Pearl Walker. How could she be? Pearl Walker knew Marrell Bishop all too well. With just a few minutes of conversation at the dinner table, Marrell had asked her to stop. It wasn't

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any wonder that her grandmother didn't feel she could confide in her.

Marrell started when Mackenzie laid a hand on her arm. She looked over to find tears in Mackenzie's eyes. She knew that Mackenzie had seen hers.

"Mom," she said, her voice low. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just upset because I wish I could talk to Grandma," Marrell whispered, glad that their three seats were on their own.

"What did she say?"

"She's become a Christian, but she didn't feel that she could tell me. I feel awful about that."

Delancey, who was by the window, peeked her face around her sister, and both girls listened while their mother briefly explained.

"So she's a Christian like Shay?" Delancey wanted to know.

"Yes. And we talked of it a little while we were at her house, but then I got upset. Now I wish I had listened to her."

"Do you want to become a Christian, Mom?" Delancey asked.

"I don't know, honey. Right now I'm too confused to know anything."

"If you do, Mom, do we have to?" Again this came from Marrell's youngest daughter.

"I don't know. Why do you ask?"

"Because the Christians at school are weird. They can't do anything fun."